Thursday, April 2, 2009

Personal Porn Star

I don't smoke. I don't drink that much at all. I don't have any issues with food (other than not eating if I'm depressed). I don't really have any vices save one.

Sex.

Like a junkie who's been clean for a while but spent casual time with their dealer, I find myself craving it again. I'm in lust for pure sex.

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With Soldier no longer in my life, I am finding that what I miss the most about him is his sexual energy.

The man brought out such openness in me.

I am happy that we did not have sex when I last saw him. I'd told him for over a month that I knew it wasn't healthy for me to be with him in that way again.

But he tried.

Oh my... did he try!

I did want to... but I thought, "Next time... maybe."

I'm left wondering how to recover from that.

For instance, over the course of the year, we wrote emails to each other on a daily basis. If I go back and read them now, they sound much like James Joyce's erotic letters to his wife.

I also took photos and made my own porn videos for him.

He began referring to me as his "personal porn star".

I relished the title.

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I am a pretty practical person, for all intents and purposes. Sure, I'm open-minded but I do concern myself with how I appear to others. I like dressing nice, taking care of myself, working out, doing what I can to look good.

However, all of that went out the window when I was with him.

I would have gladly done anything he asked me to do. And I would have done it in front of or with anyone he asked me to.

Why would I give my power away like that? Or was it empowering to think about doing it?

Is it the pleaser in me? Was it just my way of daring him to go further than he'd ever gone?

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I can remember when we were together during his leave in October - I was determined to be that porn star.

I wanted him to be all up in my everything, all of him... so far down my throat that I couldn't breathe until he allowed me to... and my voice was two octaves lower for an hour afterwards...

I wanted to be dirty - the dirtiest whore that he would ever love.

I wanted to take him into every orifice that I could offer.... and I did. As much and as often as he could take it.

I loved it. I laughed in pure joy. I begged for it. I cried with every penetration, so overwhelmed with the transcendental quality of feeling him deep inside of me.

In amazement, he smiled at me and said, "You are a naughty, dirty girl."

And I wanted MORE.

It defied all logic or reason. Though it was raw physicality, I felt removed from my body. I felt fantastic and other-worldly. I felt worshiped and I wanted to be THE ONLY BODY HE CRAVED.

Was it a sickness? No one has ever brought that out of me.

Was it because his sexual energy was so powerful... and combined with mine, we vibrated at a frequency that went beyond whether or not we were good for each other?

Was it because we were together for the first time in over 12 months, after months and months of talking about it, wishing for it, imagining it, dying for it??!?

Is it just that I am at some sort of sexual peak? Was this nothing more than me pushing my sexual boundary even further?

Ironically, I think maybe it was the only area of our relationship in which I actually felt in control.

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Now I find myself in a space of defining a new sexual normal for me.

I'm not even sure how to talk about sex anymore. The bar has been raised, that is a definite.

Sex is not something that I easily give. I do have to feel a depth of connection before I will enter into a sexual relationship. Hence the reason I crave it so but will not follow through with a random offer.

I fuck from the heart.

I make love with my soul.

Then, I wonder, when I do give again, can I have a healthy sexual relationship with my partner? Will he bring out the untamed beast in me again? And if so, will I cry at the farthest reaches of my soul that my body feels such pleasure?

Not only from my pleasing, but being pleased.

I sure hope so.

24 comments:

  1. I've always heard the stories that women reach their sexual prime once they reach "a certain age".

    From my own limited post-marriage experience (where sex was a dirty word, not a dirty act), I've had better sex in my mid-30's than I EVER had in my 20's. It's because of the women I've been with.

    Mature. Experienced. Self-aware. Self-confident. Self-pleasing.

    You're in your sexual prime right now, T. I have no doubt that will continue to be the case with the next VERY lucky man who enters you...


    ....umm...I mean, enters your LIFE.

    Heh.

    LOVE. THIS. POST.

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  2. I have almost felt the same passion with a lover I had for 6 years. The connection was one I never had and never have found again. He brought out something in me I loved. I wanted to give my all, and he gave it to me.
    Our language, our random trysts, the places. There were things that I am sure we would have done more and more if time would have allowed.
    I miss him, I miss that connection that made it dirty, hot, and he made me feel so sexy!
    He knew my body, he knew what would take me to that point.
    I miss him/us!

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  3. Damn.
    Well I think that though nobody else will do the same things as he did and maybe not even be as good as he was at it that you will find someone again that can and will get the job done.

    I hope so anyway.

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  4. T, it's important to feel that kind of connection with someone. To know that you will do anything for and with that person. And I tend to think that it's not about losing power. It's empowering to experience that kind of freedom with someone else.

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  5. T, I think you will find that someone to make you feel that way again. I have faith.

    **hugs**

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  6. T, of course, you’re an addict. We all are. There isn’t a person among us who doesn’t prefer pleasure in some forms and not in others. There isn’t a person among us who doesn’t want more. (If anybody thinks they are the exception, by the way, try not taking another breath.) T, your form is no different in content than anybody else’s form. You’re doing the same thing we all do – you’re confusing symbol and source. Soldier is a symbol of your pleasure right now, but he isn’t the source. You are. You’ll take that source into your next relationship, and the form will adjust to fit it. Don’t be surprised if it looks different (it may or may not), but don’t keep your joy from yourself if the form isn’t the same. That wouldn't be becoming of a porn star. :)

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  7. Reading here always gives me a different perspective on things...or I guess, I can rephrase that to something like, you verbalize a part of my thoughts!

    (((HUGS)))

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  8. You have enjoyed a level of sexual intensity that I probably never will. I never feel jealous of this but, instead, I feel good that you have had such an experience. You are an amazing woman - not least in your ability to write and communicate so openly and honestly. I do cherish your blog :-)

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  9. I think that just as we have better "personality connections" with people, it's also possible to have better sexual connections with some people than others. Hell, it wasn't until my first post-marriage sexual encounter that I discovered that I'd only ever been having mediocre sex MY WHOLE LIFE before that. This new guy and I just had an amazing sexual connection...and we more than took advantage of it.

    And now, here I am, seeking out that connection with someone again. I may find it, I may not, but dammit, I will certainly have fun, trying. lol

    Awesome post, by the way.I appreciate your honesty - it's good for everyone - most of all, yourself. :)

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  10. Loving your 'Fuck from the heart' philosophy, of which I am also a disciple.

    BTW I have YouTubed for leaked 'Quests of T', without success.

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  11. Funny, SPD, because I have been toying with the idea of posting a video blog. But um, one that's not rated XXX.

    :)

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  12. From Quest for T, March 28:
    "Though we had sex like a couple of crazy porn stars, I couldn't reach climax for the life of me."

    Don't glorify your episodes with him, when you were left crying, frustrated and fragile.

    When you finally make love with the man you're supposed to be with, the emotional intensity will blow away the memory of the shallow porn star games.

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  13. Thanks B.

    And maybe I am glorifying… but I do miss it. I miss the fun part of it. At the time, I didn’t care if I climaxed or not. It just always made me wonder later…

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  14. T,
    We have different connections and different experiences with each person. The next person will not be the same, maybe better, maybe not, for sure different. The greatest sexual organ is the mind. Create new experiences, do not chase after the ghost of what you once experienced for if you do, you will become frustrated and no one will measure up to what you have created in your memory. Be open to the next love/sex opportunity that you have and open the the unique possibilities.

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  15. Deep breath. Gulp. Exhale. Inhale.

    It is really good when you can be in a relationship when you can be totally open to and with the other person. That's when its the best, and like your other poster said before me, the mind is the greatest sexual organ, and when its right up there, its right everywhere else.

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  16. I had a lover where we had a similar connection. Very open, willing, dirty on both our parts. We dated for a year. Then we were FWB's for a year.

    I miss her.

    Craving sex is only bad when it's a sign you aren't getting enough! :-)

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  17. I felt this way with someone for several years and welllll, we did exhaust one another eventually. We were engaged and didn't get married, but we did go on our honeymoon together (after we parted ways for a while). The thing with us was that we carried it over to nonsexual stuff and on our trip, we nearly died together scuba diving after we took a risk that seemed measured at the time, but wasn't well thought out. I do miss the sex and even more, the wide open expression of love, but we weren't a good combination for the long term. Honestly, I haven't had that kind of sex consistently with anyone since, but I have had very, very satisfying sex and the sweetest ever deep love again. I'm sure you will, too, T.
    ~krn

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  18. It's challenging to chime in here at the end and not repeat what others have said... but damn, girl. And deep breath.

    You are so incredibly powerful. I hope you know that.

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  19. I'm with SMS, but I think B Just B had a very valid point too.

    I do wonder if I will ever again have the intensity I shared with an ex, but it was intense accross the board - in and out of the bedroom and that wasn't always a good thing.

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  20. it's so much fun to read your blog. I know a lot of people equate vigorous, happy, frequent sex with porn because that's often where they first see it if not experience it. Sex is like anything else expressive that we can do. We can do it with so many tones and shades and variations but to lots of folks it's mostly porn. So be it. You are such a passionate and sparkling person and you will find also someone to share the quiet valley sex, the calm lake sex, the sex after lawn work, the empty nester sex. It just keeps going as long as you want it to.

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  21. You know what I was raised under the impression that sex wasn't important and that it wasnt important in relationships. It is SO important and for me, I love being in the position with my guy where I am what he wants in that way...and that I am what he wants in all ways. But when the other stuff is slow, the sex is always there to help make up for it a little until we sit and connect in other ways. (this was really long and wordy, sorry)

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  22. You've got some textbook sexual compulsion dynamics. Anyone who's worked through therapy for sexual compulsion would be able to spot the red flags that abound.

    The desire to be degraded isn't healthy and nobody actually loves it. :) The compulsion to be so engrossed in sexual activity isn't healthy, either.

    Libido certainly does tend to increase in ladies as they mature, but what you describe repeatedly in your blog isn't "high libido". It's "emotional medication via sex and fantasy". There's a lot to explore in that arena, and you've surely got many years of exploration left. But at the end it's all frosting and no cake, and nobody can live on frosting and stay healthy.

    You get a lot of sunshine and encouragement in your blog comments. You don't get much confrontation or challenge or criticism. That's too bad 'cause I get the impression you're one of the rare folk who are actually interesting in finding their own flaws and improving on them. When everyone's blowing sunshine up our arse, though, finding out about our flaws becomes really tough, and the motivation to improve things is a lot harder to generate.

    It's been a real treat reading your blog! I wish you the best and I will surely check in here & there in the future. But there's not much good I can do here and it's tough to see the cyclic sexual stuff get reliably praised and enabled.

    I wish I could write without the elitist self-righteous overtones, ugh. Ah, well, that surely makes it even easier to discard the words I write, and continue with what it is that ya do on your blog. And I think that's kinda what you're looking for here. I'm out of place here and I always have been. But it's still been lots of fun, and now & then there were really enlightening things that I got a lot out of. Thank you for writing! Keep doing it! You're an excellent writer, without any doubt, and you should keep using and developing that talent.

    Take care, T! Meditate more and masturbate less. What you're looking for isn't found via orgasms, though that's where it's most often sought. ;)

    I don't happen to know where it is found. I just know the places where it ain't.

    Enough rambling. Thanks again for all the blogging! :)

    Scott

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  23. I love this post, T, because it is real and honest and raw and I can understand it.

    I love your phrases:

    I fuck from the heart. I make love with my soul.

    Yeah, sister. You deserve to be quoted on those.

    You're awesome, T. Thanks for being so damn fucking real.

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  24. i just found your blog via modernsinglemomma, i think.

    i am at such a different point in my life. separated 8 months ago, on my way to divorce with a 4 month old and a 3 year old in tow...yet i feel like i could've written this about my now ending marriage.

    my husband isn't good for me, not really. yet we had such a sexual connection. he said it was the best sex of his life, and i'd have to say the same. i craved him. i would have and did do anything he asked.

    its hard being at this point in my life. i have an infant and yet i find myself craving sexual intimacy again. it's hard to resign myself to the fact that its going to be a long while before i get to that place again. it also makes the temptation of my ex that much stronger.

    sorry, i'm rambling. but thank you for being so open and honest.

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