Today is Memorial Day. This is when you would expect me to put up a video or tribute to the soldiers and troops that support our country.
I do support our troops. I am grateful and give thanks to those men and women who have fought or continue to fight for our freedoms and protection. I very nearly put up a video that moves me every time but I see that I put up the exact same video last Memorial Day.
I am distracted. I have to get this out...
I haven't been in the mood to write lately.
I guess it's because I've had the kids all weekend and the only time I have to myself is after they're in bed. However, usually at that time, I'm getting on the phone with Gentleman Jack and yeah...that's been keeping me up late.
As of today, we have talked on the phone nearly 30 hours!
We've covered so many different topics. The conversation is easy. Even the silence is easy! I've learned much about him.... but I've also learned more about myself in the past week than I have in months!
I have realized that the true purpose of relationships is to learn more about who we are.
I've noticed many fears creeping to the surface.
This is a good thing because the only way to dissipate these fears is to have an awareness of them. Instead of reacting to them, which I am wont to do, I am simply looking at them and processing them as best I can.
Gentleman Jack is a very good judge of character.
He has already noticed things about my personality that well, I tend to try to hide from people.
My perfectionist tendencies...
My overachiever tendencies...
My want-to-please tendencies...
He sees right through me!
And it frightens me... because these are things that I am not especially proud of. I know that these things have been sticking points in past relationships. I feel my heart sink and wonder if he could possibly still be interested in me after recognizing these things.
When I talk to him about my fears - my fear of not being accepted, my fear of falling into old habits - he responds in a such a way that I can't help but laugh:
"I ain't skeered."
He says that to make me smile since we both grew up in a "redneck" area of the country. I get it. I understand. He isn't afraid and tells me over and over again,
"What's not to love?!"
In effect, he is helping me to accept myself.
I may continue to have those tendencies or I may not. Either way, it is simply who I am right now.
I've noticed the staggering differences between this budding relationship and my last one.
However we're both approaching it with cautious optimism.
Sometimes I wonder if I should trust him. He is over-the-top kind, open, gentle, communicative, honest...
Then I've recently recovered from another relationship where, I now realize, I felt manipulated. I did everything I could to please, mostly because nothing pleased him, and ended up losing such a part of myself.
I can't say that those fears aren't there.
But every time I feel that sinking feeling in my stomach, I stop, try to catch my breath and... I talk to him.
So far, he has responded in the most loving way possible.
I know it is only the beginning. I am taking lots of deep breaths. We will see.