Monday, May 25, 2009

Cautious Optimism

Today is Memorial Day. This is when you would expect me to put up a video or tribute to the soldiers and troops that support our country.

I do support our troops. I am grateful and give thanks to those men and women who have fought or continue to fight for our freedoms and protection. I very nearly put up a video that moves me every time but I see that I put up the exact same video last Memorial Day.

I am distracted. I have to get this out...

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I haven't been in the mood to write lately.

I guess it's because I've had the kids all weekend and the only time I have to myself is after they're in bed. However, usually at that time, I'm getting on the phone with Gentleman Jack and yeah...that's been keeping me up late.

As of today, we have talked on the phone nearly 30 hours!

We've covered so many different topics. The conversation is easy. Even the silence is easy! I've learned much about him.... but I've also learned more about myself in the past week than I have in months!

I have realized that the true purpose of relationships is to learn more about who we are.

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I've noticed many fears creeping to the surface.

This is a good thing because the only way to dissipate these fears is to have an awareness of them. Instead of reacting to them, which I am wont to do, I am simply looking at them and processing them as best I can.

Gentleman Jack is a very good judge of character.

He has already noticed things about my personality that well, I tend to try to hide from people.

My perfectionist tendencies...


My overachiever tendencies...


My want-to-please tendencies...



He sees right through me!


And it frightens me... because these are things that I am not especially proud of. I know that these things have been sticking points in past relationships. I feel my heart sink and wonder if he could possibly still be interested in me after recognizing these things.

When I talk to him about my fears - my fear of not being accepted, my fear of falling into old habits - he responds in a such a way that I can't help but laugh:

"I ain't skeered."

He says that to make me smile since we both grew up in a "redneck" area of the country. I get it. I understand. He isn't afraid and tells me over and over again,

"What's not to love?!"

In effect, he is helping me to accept myself.

I may continue to have those tendencies or I may not. Either way, it is simply who I am right now.

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I've noticed the staggering differences between this budding relationship and my last one.

However we're both approaching it with cautious optimism.

Sometimes I wonder if I should trust him. He is over-the-top kind, open, gentle, communicative, honest...

Then I've recently recovered from another relationship where, I now realize, I felt manipulated. I did everything I could to please, mostly because nothing pleased him, and ended up losing such a part of myself.

I can't say that those fears aren't there.


But every time I feel that sinking feeling in my stomach, I stop, try to catch my breath and... I talk to him.

So far, he has responded in the most loving way possible.

I know it is only the beginning. I am taking lots of deep breaths. We will see.

17 comments:

  1. I think it is awesome that he is a great judge of character. You are awesome and he knows the good and bad about you. He is able to go in eyes forward and still wants 'YOU'!!!
    I am so glad to hear how much you are seeing of yourself and realizing past mistakes and taking the time to adjust and move forward.
    You are growing so much, it is great.

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  2. Just take it one day, one conversation at a time.

    The good to realize that even if Rascal isn't "The One"...you're still able to have those warm, fuzzy, positive feelings about someone. It's there...just let it in.

    I *know* how hard it is to face those fears...but when you do, it is absolutely worth it.

    **hugs**

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  3. Wow. Yes, I agree both of our posts have that "relationships-revealing-much-about-ourselves" quality. This really resonates with me; "The only way to dissipate these fears is to have an awareness of them. Instead of reacting to them, which I am wont to do, I am simply looking at them and processing them as best I can."

    And thank God for our blogs - and blogger friends - to help us with this processing.

    Great post, T.

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  4. Wel all you can do is be yourself show him the true you and see how she flys!

    Good luck sexy woman.

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  5. So exciting! Fill me in on it when we get together Wed. Can't wait by the way!

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  6. If you just stay honest and sincere with each other everything will surface in time - good and bad.

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  7. * Feelings of warmth, happiness, JOY, and understandable trepidation, yet TONS of giddiness for you, T. *

    That sums up what I am feeling and thinking right now.

    And to find someone who sees who we are truly as we are, who accepts us, who knows our fears and doesn't leave us...yeah, that is pretty damn powerful.

    I am praying that this leads to something long and lasting for you, T. Truly, I am. Much love to you.

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  8. I'm SO happy for you! I understand the "not feeling like writing" mood. I haven't been in that mood lately.
    But I can tell you that just like everything else, I agree with what you say about this. :) Jason immediately did that for me; he could see through the BS right away. The stuff that I could hide from others and had been for YEARS, he saw it right away. He pointed out those things in such a loving way and so I immediately felt safe.
    I also found that us having similar backgrounds helped a lot. :) My W. Texas tendencies can be embarrassing for some. LOL!
    Something he always told me was "I'm not afraid
    Nothing you can say will make me walk away" Oddly enough the song "Easier" by Joe McIntyre sums up a lot of the beginning of our relationship. :) *sigh* I MUST SEE YOU SOON! I'm writing a book that I didn't intend on. :)

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  9. T, this is a great post. I must go read more about Rascal ...

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  10. Aw T!! He sounds super cool :)

    Nothing wrong with a little caution!!!

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  11. He may be here just to remind you that you are worthy. Accept what he says and what you feel and take it day by day. We are all worthy of that acceptance.

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  12. Sometimes I wonder if I should trust him. - this line stood out. That trust question is more about you than him, don't you think? i.e. you're the one questioning trust here. Maybe there's something inside yourself that you need to learn. And maybe interacting with Rascal will help with that awareness.

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  13. The fact that you're talking openly about your fears shows a lot of strength. What vulnerability.

    (And, wow, you two haven't seen each other for how long?)

    At the end of the day, you want to be with someone who loves you for your strengths -- and your weaknesses -- yes?

    xoxo

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  14. News Flash! Maybe, just maybe, He wants a grown up real relationship that is honest and satisfying without games and just plain and simple just accepting each other for who they are and where they have been.

    Just what you have been looking for!

    Dont label it just go with it...

    Peace

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  15. T, you are inspiring me! This is the scary stage of relationships, when all the abandonment issues pop out to bop you on the nose...it's sooooo scary for sure...the deep breaths are hard to do, but it's so good. If you haven't read When Love Meets Fear by David Richo, I highly recommend it. He has "practices" that help with those fears when they arise to keep them from paralyzing us or ruining our chances at happiness. I'm hoping to have the chance to practice them in an actual relationship before too much time passes.

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  16. Well, you know about my issues with fear in relationships...we've discussed them and they're well documented. The fact that you're aware of them and want to tackle them as they come is already one step ahead of what I did back in February.

    All you can do is take it as it comes. Try it...see if you like it...and take things from there.

    It doesn't have to be the end-all-to-be-all. He doesn't have to be "THE ONE".

    Just enjoy life, T...that's all you NEED to do. One day at a time.

    xo

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  17. Oh T, this is so loverly to read.... it puts a sweet smile of hope and happiness on my face. As much as I never want to go thru the cycle *yet* again, as hard as it is to face the end of a relationship, as awkward as the transition thru the in-between spaces can be, these moments of self discovery and growth and learning about yourself that come as you too are getting to know someone new are refreshing!

    I love it. I'm excited for you. I'm excited for myself because you have reminded me of something I get to look forward to. I was dreading dating again, but not so much now.

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