Monday, May 18, 2009

Every single mom needs one... (part 4)


A liberating end to a relationship.

I feel as if I've turned a corner on mourning. I can't even explain it.

Where I was once fantasizing about the gloriousness of the "good times" in my relationship, I am now acknowledging the "bad times" that ended it as well.

Maybe I'm seeing it as more of the reality that it was - rather than the sparkly fantasy that had my head spinning for so long.

Either way, I'm not feeling bad about it. I'm just... looking at it differently.

I feel as if I'm getting my power back.

---

When I think of my life, from the age of 12, I realize that I have always longed for, fantasized about, or pined away about someone.

ALWAYS.

There was rarely, if at all, a time in my teen/adult life where I didn't have some male on my mind! It was a rock star or a crush at school. It was a boyfriend or a husband. It was a friend-that-I-wished-was-more or it was a soldier.

I've spent more brain power wanting someone to love me than actually loving myself!

Something good is happening here... and it wouldn't have happened had I not gone through the pain of loss.

---

I mentioned before that I thought much of my self-confidence came from being in a relationship.

Now that I'm single again, it felt a little strange at first. I didn't feel comfortable. I felt insecure. Lonely. Sad.

I'm beginning to stretch my arms out to fully embrace this new skin.

The funny thing is, I've been here before. I found an old blog post from December 2007 and I even referred to it as new skin then too!

Perhaps each phase simply continues to offer more and more growth.

---

At this moment, I actually feel truly single.

I don't feel like I'm mourning the loss of my past relationships.

I am not presently "crushing" on any one person in particular.

I have no idea what is going to happen next.

It feels unbelievably, liberatingly fantastic!

Because when I think back over all of the loves in my life, they all came to me exactly as they were supposed to and when they were supposed to. So apparently, someone else is in charge of this thing.

All I have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

---

I asked the Magic Buddha another question today:

"Will I be single for long?"

As expected, his answer was perfect:

"Smile."

I certainly am!

It is the month of self-love anyway, isn't it?



Every single mom needs one... (part 1), (part 2), (part 3)

18 comments:

  1. I'm very pleased that you've turned a corner! I hope that you break in these single shoes before trading them in for a new pair. You won't know how much you enjoy them until they are truly yours.

    After one break up, I remember waking up one morning and thinking, "So *this* is what it's like to wake up and not be upset at someone or fear that they are upset at you!" It was intense relief. Didn't look back.

    big love to you, T.
    -R.

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  2. I enjoy reading about your progress... that is good stuff. Liberating. Energizing. Freeing. Hopeful. And a great big sigh of relief. yay!

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  3. Good for you, girl! Sounds like you're in an awesome place right now. May it continue and spread to those around you! (Including me. heh. Yeah...I'm selfish like that.);)

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  4. Love it! I'm so glad that you are feeling this way, so inspiring! It is true how liberating that feeling is.

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  5. This is an awesome awesome feeling T! And yes it is liberating and powerful and empowering!

    ENJOY IT!!!

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  6. "When I think of my life, from the age of 12, I realize that I have always longed for, fantasized about, or pined away about someone."

    I can identify with this statement all too painfully well.

    I think that I am still "growing up" and learning how to be single. Some days I do better than others. That ache inside of me is still there--it remains--and I just keep going back to the One with it, holding it up to Him and asking for it be replaced by something more lovely, like some dirty, rotten, diseased pigheart that was mistakenly put into the place of mine and waiting for Him to transform it.....

    Hmm. Guess I have a post to write on this topic.

    Anyway, yes, T. Thank God for the moments of clarity that can all too often seem few and far between.

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  7. What a great place to be! I'm trying to sort out how I feel about my last break up. I know I should not give someone else the power to determine how I feel but that's sure hard not to do sometimes. Glad you are there.

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  8. We are always evolving in this life and learning the lessons til we get them right... You should get new skin every couple of years.

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  9. Good for you! It's great to feel happy in whatever life stage you're in. Enjoy those good feelings.

    Oh, and keep the brasilian women's soccer team pics coming. (grin)

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  10. Thank you for expressing/validating some of my own thoughts of late. Its good to know there are others of like mind.

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  11. Good for you!

    And that Magic Buddha "Smile" answer is absolutely perfect! Seriously, you couldn't have scripted it better.

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  12. Woo Hoo! So glad to hear you have had an ah ha moment! Onward and upward!

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  13. Great stuff!

    Every woman who has spent too much time longing for someone should read this post.

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  14. Hii :) New blog - PrettyYouMayBe.blogspot.com.

    Great post!

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  15. Good for you! I'm in the same place right now and thriving in it fully. I have an awesome site for you to check out. love-yourself.html

    Best wishes and peace,

    Surfersher

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  16. This blog post - while written some time ago- resonates so clearly with me.

    I can relate to everything you wrote about always having that person that you pined for- that I would use to fill my thoughts rather than face myself and my fears and my insecurities. I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, and for the first time in my life I allowed myself to self-love- to fill my mind with my own hopes and dreams and aspirations, and to love my body as it was and to value my alone time and figure out who I really was. And once I was there, and comfortable, and READY- he came back. He sought me out, and fought for me, and now we’re in a better place than ever before and for once I KNOW that I don’t NEED him in my life- I want him in my life because I love him, I don’t love him because I need him in my life, if that makes sense.

    That was a long comment - but this blog truly touched me. Thank you so much for your insight and your honesty. It has truly changed my life. xoxo

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