Monday, May 18, 2009
Every single mom needs one... (part 4)
A liberating end to a relationship.
I feel as if I've turned a corner on mourning. I can't even explain it.
Where I was once fantasizing about the gloriousness of the "good times" in my relationship, I am now acknowledging the "bad times" that ended it as well.
Maybe I'm seeing it as more of the reality that it was - rather than the sparkly fantasy that had my head spinning for so long.
Either way, I'm not feeling bad about it. I'm just... looking at it differently.
I feel as if I'm getting my power back.
When I think of my life, from the age of 12, I realize that I have always longed for, fantasized about, or pined away about someone.
There was rarely, if at all, a time in my teen/adult life where I didn't have some male on my mind! It was a rock star or a crush at school. It was a boyfriend or a husband. It was a friend-that-I-wished-was-more or it was a soldier.
I've spent more brain power wanting someone to love me than actually loving myself!
Something good is happening here... and it wouldn't have happened had I not gone through the pain of loss.
I mentioned before that I thought much of my self-confidence came from being in a relationship.
Now that I'm single again, it felt a little strange at first. I didn't feel comfortable. I felt insecure. Lonely. Sad.
I'm beginning to stretch my arms out to fully embrace this new skin.
The funny thing is, I've been here before. I found an old blog post from December 2007 and I even referred to it as new skin then too!
Perhaps each phase simply continues to offer more and more growth.
At this moment, I actually feel truly single.
I don't feel like I'm mourning the loss of my past relationships.
I am not presently "crushing" on any one person in particular.
I have no idea what is going to happen next.
It feels unbelievably, liberatingly fantastic!
Because when I think back over all of the loves in my life, they all came to me exactly as they were supposed to and when they were supposed to. So apparently, someone else is in charge of this thing.
All I have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.
I asked the Magic Buddha another question today:
"Will I be single for long?"
As expected, his answer was perfect:
I certainly am!
It is the month of self-love anyway, isn't it?
Every single mom needs one... (part 1), (part 2), (part 3)