Ineffable: Incapable of being expressed; indescribable or unutterable.
It seems silly for me to even try to blog about something that I have no words for.
Gentleman Jack is....
You know all the good words in the dictionary that make you feel like the sky is bluer and the air is fresher and the grass is greener and the birds are full of music and you feel like a cheerleader that is running around on too much sugar and caffeine and you want to yell to the world: YAY ME!!!!!
Yeah. That's Gentleman Jack.
I called it off.
I know that I could fall for him. We could have an amazing perfect relationship.
We're both single parents.
We both have excellent co-parenting relationships with our ex-es.
Our children adore the other parent in their lives.
We WANT our children to continue to have the other parent in their lives.
Neither of us has the desire to move.
I'm sure many of you are saying, "Come on! Its only 3 hours away!"
We couldn't stop touching for the entire 18 hours we spent together. We were both so caught up in each other that we KNOW we'd want this so badly...
Why go through the torture when both of us have 4 year olds at home? Neither of us would consider leaving our towns until our children are grown.
14 years of this?!?
And he's so afraid that he might hurt me at some point because he's scared to fall, worried about getting hurt again, concerned about the future, frustrated with the distance and feels so very protective of me.
I thought he wasn't scared.
Turns out we both are. So, in order to stop the pain that's sure to come from longing or frustration or one of us wanting to give up, I decided to cut it off while it's still early. This way, we can move past this and into a wonderful friendship that will endure this distance between us.
I told him that I needed space and he's asking, "How long?!?!"
I don't know. I have to settle down again. I have felt such an outpouring of love from this man and... I know it's still there... I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his touch.
Just since I've been typing this he's sent me 4 text messages with the kindest and most loving words.
Funny how I remember writing on paper while crying; you could always see where the tears fell because the ink would smudge. You don't get the same effect on a computer screen.
The tears are falling. However I am SO grateful for this man. If I could put him in a box and save him for those days when I need to feel connected and adored and loved, I would.
But he's a daddy.
And I'm a mommy.
And it's just not going to work.