Friday, May 29, 2009

Ineffable

Ineffable: Incapable of being expressed; indescribable or unutterable.

It seems silly for me to even try to blog about something that I have no words for.

Gentleman Jack is....

*sigh*

You know all the good words in the dictionary that make you feel like the sky is bluer and the air is fresher and the grass is greener and the birds are full of music and you feel like a cheerleader that is running around on too much sugar and caffeine and you want to yell to the world: YAY ME!!!!!

Yeah. That's Gentleman Jack.



But...

*sigh*

I called it off.

I know that I could fall for him. We could have an amazing perfect relationship.

But:

We're both single parents.

We both have excellent co-parenting relationships with our ex-es.

Our children adore the other parent in their lives.

We WANT our children to continue to have the other parent in their lives.

Neither of us has the desire to move.


I'm sure many of you are saying, "Come on! Its only 3 hours away!"

We couldn't stop touching for the entire 18 hours we spent together. We were both so caught up in each other that we KNOW we'd want this so badly...

Why go through the torture when both of us have 4 year olds at home? Neither of us would consider leaving our towns until our children are grown.

14 years of this?!?

And he's so afraid that he might hurt me at some point because he's scared to fall, worried about getting hurt again, concerned about the future, frustrated with the distance and feels so very protective of me.

I thought he wasn't scared.

Turns out we both are. So, in order to stop the pain that's sure to come from longing or frustration or one of us wanting to give up, I decided to cut it off while it's still early. This way, we can move past this and into a wonderful friendship that will endure this distance between us.

I told him that I needed space and he's asking, "How long?!?!"

I don't know. I have to settle down again. I have felt such an outpouring of love from this man and... I know it's still there... I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his touch.

Just since I've been typing this he's sent me 4 text messages with the kindest and most loving words.


Funny how I remember writing on paper while crying; you could always see where the tears fell because the ink would smudge. You don't get the same effect on a computer screen.

The tears are falling. However I am SO grateful for this man. If I could put him in a box and save him for those days when I need to feel connected and adored and loved, I would.



But he's a daddy.

And I'm a mommy.

And it's just not going to work.

22 comments:

  1. Oh T. This makes me so sad but I really do understand it. I think you have to do what is right for you and it takes such strength to call it off! I saw how excited you were about him, your eyes sparkled when you spoke of him. But you don't need pain and longing, you've had way too much of that recently.

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear this ... but it seems like it is truly what's best for your respective families.

    But damn if it doesn't suck.

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  3. I truly believe that every single person we cross paths with in our life has been brought to us for a specific reason. It's always so disappointing when a relationship that you want so badly can't function because of circumstances we have no control over. I was in the same place recently and I know it hurts deeply. BIG hug to you sweetie.

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  4. Wow, what a tough decision to make. But also very realistic. Such is the life of a single parent. We almost have to have the planets align just right to make a relationship work. You are one strong woman T.

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  5. You sound very happy and grateful to have this man re-enter your life. I agree long distance dating doesn't work for single parents, especially for two single parents. I think it's great you are both honoring your exes by not taking the kids away from your ex and moving 3 hours apart. You can still draw strength and friendship from Rascal. It's just different than a romance, but it can still be a great thing.

    btw - I can relate to this completely. I fell hard for a woman who lived in LA while I was up in Silicon valley. We tried dating long distance, and it simply didn't work. It was hard to know I had to let go.

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  6. *sigh* Making such a logical decision is hard, but I hope that I would/will do the same rather than ignore the writing on the wall. I belive when things like this happen the encounter was sent to you for the lesson. The reminder that it can feel so good and healthy... and you will feel that way again and you will be ready for it. I know you will, and with someone geographically desireable!

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  7. P.S. Thank you for teaching me a new word. I'm not very good at putting my feelings into words so this is one I will be able to use a lot!

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  8. Screw the Exes, T! If the family was so important to them, they'd still be married, right? Make a life of your own. Wouldn't your kids like to be in a loving home with 2 parents to raise them?

    Pray for the answer from God. You don't need another male friend on the list, do you. Don't you want a love, a partner, a happily ever after? I know, I'm being simplistic, and am not moving the kids to Louisiana... but still.

    Actually, some good friends of ours recently moved to back to their dream city of Pittsburgh (stay with me). The parents love it, but the kids (12 and 7) long for their friends back home in OH. It's not the kids dream city. Oh well. Your blog is full of drama and shocking developments!

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  9. Ummm...speaking from experience (and I think you know where I'm coming from), I think it's a shame that you won't at least give it a chance.

    Trust me...I know the distance seems large, ESPECIALLY when neither one of you are wanting or willing to move any time soon. I'm there...and you know that about me.

    But if it's real; if it's something you haven't felt before; if it's more than just physical...then you owe it to yourself to stop using your head and start using your heart.

    WHO KNOWS what will happen in one year...in two years...in four or five? Maybe one will move over the other? Maybe another arrangement can be made?

    Or maybe...just maybe...you'll end up always wondering just how happy you could have been IF...

    If you want to talk more, you know how to reach me. xo

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  10. I can understand how you feel. It's better to call it off now before things get too complicated. I know it hurts. I found someone so perfect, so complimentary, some years ago. We lived about 1 hour apart. But she called it off because of her children (getting too attached to me) and because she wasn't ready. We've remained friends to this day. You will find love again.

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  11. I can understand calling it off, because distance sucks.

    But I'm with several others who wonder about giving it a chance. I'm the LAST person to be giving relationship advice, but I enjoyed reading your posts about him, and hope that it all works for the best, no matter what that is.

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  12. Oh, T.

    I'm sorry that things took this turn.

    I guess you know my feelings on the topic - if the connection is there, then the difficulties can be worked around, if you really want them to. Having said that, though, I can totally understand calling it off, too.....long distance relationships are hard.

    Ultimately, you're the one who has to decide what you're comfortable with and what you're willing to do.

    If you want to talk, email me anytime, okay, girl?

    xo

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  13. Oh, that Rascal.

    I read your post this morning and have let it flow through my head all day. You sound very grown up -- and alive.

    It's fascinating to come back and read everyone's responses.

    This line is so beautiful: "I remember writing on paper while crying; you could always see where the tears fell because the ink would smudge. You don't get the same effect on a computer screen."

    Wow.

    You know what's right. Love ya.

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  14. Man oh man, do I get this, T. It's so so hard. The carpe diems fight with the "be realistics" while the fears and trepidations cheer and jeer from the sidelines. Hang in there. You'll figure out what's best.

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  15. Yeah I'll never quite get this one. 14 Years? If you both had shot the exs you'd be out before then. Sure the kids dictate much. But your future for the next 20 years perhaps? How much is your future happiness worth? I'm with another poster, you might as well be still married to the exs and getting at least some of the residual benefits (income, support) etc.

    I mean how long can this type of thinking go on? Anyone not within a travel radius of 1 hr. need not apply? In NYC this often means a 4-5 block radius for the infamous 1/2 hr. dash. No 'bridge & tunnel people allowed' is the oft seen tag line to many ads etc. This is just plain silly. How far are you willing to go for love?

    So I think that this is a clear recipe for monumental sexual frustration all around & disappointment & bitterness over choices made & unmade at the end of the day. You might as well tell all the single moms to put in a larger stock of batteries for their expended toy collections. It's just too hard to try and figure out how to make it all work. Yep. That's how it goes. If we all let it go that way!

    On vac.

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  16. So, just so I understand... You are calling it off so that you don't long for him in his distance?

    Can't you have an open long distance relationship and be lovers when you see one another?

    Why does everything need to be so clearly defined?

    Friendship is nice yes, but friendship is even nicer when it involves tender kisses and joyful hair pulling. :)

    I am not being simplistic either, I think this requires the opposite actually, relinquish your simplistic and black and white thinking and let your mind and heart expand to accommodate.

    But who am I to offer advice?

    I'm just saying...

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  17. You and I are leading parallel lives!

    As you know I JUST went through this! The EXACT same reasons split us up :( And it really is so sucky because you dont want it to end but there is no easy way out :(

    ((hugs))

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  18. What a bummer, but at least you guys are being realistic about it. Why get even more caught up in it if you can never be together together.

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  19. Hmmmm.... why must everyone's love interest live 3 hours away??

    That's just no good, no matter what you tell yourself.

    Proximity is probably the first consideration for a healthy, viable relationship.

    I know you'll top Rascal with a hottie from your own town, and I'll enjoy reading all about him. Looking forward to it!

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  20. I understand the logical side of your decision and as you know I'm not a single parent so take this advice for what it's worth to you.

    Sometimes life gives us writing on the wall, but we misinterpret the massage because it is our nature over-analyze things. Your decision sounds like one you should meditate more on before finalizing the outcome. You won't be able to remove the emotion and make a "rational" decision but then again I don't think you're suppose to. Life isn't about being rational, it's about being happy and from the sounds of it haven't you experienced enough unhappiness? In the end it may not turn out the way you would have wanted but to give up before trying is something you could regret.

    I'm sure you've heard "to experience great loss you must first experience great love."

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  21. I just read your blog for the first time...after reading "about" you on QTMama's blog. I felt moved to comment when I read about you and Rascal's co-parenting with exes. I have that same dynamic with my ex-husband and am so happy to have found others who do. I love, the way my girl loves her Daddy. It makes me happy to see her wrapped around him, even though she's nearly as tall as he is. My fairy-tale shattered, but hers sure doesn't have to.

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