Saturday, May 2, 2009

Jealousy

While in Germany, being around my friend Lou Lou and her husband prompted a depth of thought that surprised me.

They reminded me of the early days of my marriage to the ex.

I am fortunate to have a very good relationship with my ex-husband, despite the hurts of ending a marriage. While we certainly have moments that re-enforce our reasons for no longer cohabitating or being matrimonially involved, there were good memories that still bring a smile to my face.

Even the CEO at work, who loves to analyze relationships and personalities, says that the type of man that I will be attracted to will have many of my ex-husband's traits.

"But with out the defects." he reminds me.

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One of the funniest moments with Lou Lou and her hubby was when we were watching a Manchester United soccer game in Amsterdam.

She and I had already admitted to a mutual affection for Johnny Depp. When her husband overheard us, he said something macho about how he'd promptly "kick some ass" should Johnny Depp get near his wife.

I found this amusing because every couple I know has that one person with whom they would allow their spouse an intimate evening.

"Yeah, I'm allowing her one person to be with. Me."

So as we're watching the soccer game and a beautiful creature by the name of Cristiano Ronaldo whips off his shirt in disgust during the game, Lou Lou and I both perked up in excitement.

Her hubby was none too happy (but purely laughing it off.)

But seriously folks, can you blame us?



His reaction to our interest in the two desirable, and completely unattainable, men was funny to me. Mostly because I didn't witness much jealousy in my own marriage.

Was my ex-husband's lack of jealousy a defect?

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I found it endearing that Lou Lou and her husband were so attached and loving to each other.

I had an affair while married that my ex-husband never found out about. He was so not observant and trusting that he never noticed any signs. I had even kissed other men in front of him and he did not so much as blink. We considered open marriage and/or swinging on many occasions.

Still, he knew that he was my first love and my first... well, everything. He was also gone most of the time traveling on business.

Maybe that is why he was more open-minded?

Maybe that is why, when I finally admitted to my affair, he simply stated that he understood and was otherwise unmoved?

I often found myself wondering and asking my husband if he really loved me.

Would his being more protective and more jealous have proved his love to me?

Soldier was extremely jealous. Even of the ex. I knew that wouldn't work for me either. I have lots of male friends in my life.

He'd have to get over it.

Fast.

Surely there's a happy medium somewhere.

Then again, I loved my ex for being so trusting of me. I never had any intention of breaking that trust. I take full responsibility for looking outside of my marriage, and myself, for fulfillment. I suppose it was attention-seeking behavior at its worst.

My ex-husband was exactly what I needed for that time in my life. And I think he knew that he was always #1 with me.

It was when he was no longer #1... but came second to my children, that our marriage began to fail.

Sad. But true.

Sizzlin' hot photo of Mr. Ronaldo was found here.

13 comments:

  1. I wonder if some sort of "she's mine" would have changed a thing or two.
    My husband doesn't seem a bit observant. Very trusting, at least nothing he has spoken to me about. Sometimes, it would just be easy to go off and do what I want and have that feeling back.

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  2. Stay away from that Ronaldo fellow, he definitely has a few defects ;-)

    Trust is vital in a relationship, and I genuinely believe that persistent jealousy drives people away.

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  3. I could be your ex.
    well not really but thats how I roll.
    I would so do an open relationship or swap or whatever in a second.

    I think jealousy is due to lack of confidence or low self worth issues.

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  4. Surely there's a happy medium somewhere. Yes, T...there's absolutely a happy medium somewhere.

    I was 100% trusting in my ex-wife. Totally. But I would be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I was jealous of her friendly relationships with men in her office at work.

    That didn't mean I wasn't trusting...it just meant that I cared.

    At least that's how I saw it.And I've never understood "open marriages". You either commit to somebody or you don't. Unless you're an adult entertainer, there's no reason to be having sex with somebody outside of a relationship.

    Now threesomes are something else entirely...

    Heh.

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  5. Sorry, I just don't believe that jealousy equals low self-esteem. Animals are protective of their mates too, it's a biological thing.

    I always liked a little bit of jealousy, not the crazy psychotic kind though.

    I am totally monoganous. I never understood swingers. I believe that there is something deeply wrong with the relationship if you feel the need to do that. And there is no way both partners are completely happy with it. Someone always ends up getting hurt in open relationships.

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  6. My ex husband wasn't jealous and there's a difference between trusting and just---detached. He was detached from everything that didn't directly involve him. Whatever I did while he was away was never even a thought in his head. Our marriage was all about him and when it started being about me too it ended.

    Now if the man would just leave me in peace...

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  7. T, you have NO idea how much I can relate to what you wrote. Especially when you said that it was when, "when he was no longer #1... but came second to my children, that our marriage began to fail."

    That was when mine started to fail, too. I just didn't see it at the time.

    What happened with me, after that, was in an attempt to re-gain my sense of self, I put myself ahead of both my children AND my ex-husband. It's hard writing that. Truth hurts, I guess.

    I love what you said: "My ex-husband was exactly what I needed for that time in my life." I very much feel the same way. It's another hard truth to face, but it's good to to be honest with ourselves.

    I think that a small amount of jealousy in a relationship is perfectly normal and healthy. I've done some reading recently about open relationships and while I can understand the logic that gets a couple to that point in their relationship, it's not something that's personally for me.

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  8. My ex-husbands mistrust of me was what ultimately broke our marriage up!

    It was there from the start I just didnt see it.

    Being with a man now who is sort of that happy medium - he allows me my "freedom" and space but does let it be known when he feels a little threatened - its not often or blatant but it is there!

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  9. This is an interesting topic. My wife has a couple male friends she occaisionally meets for lunch, and I like to play with a little mock jealousy, refusing to go with her to a certain greek restaurant because it's her "date" place. And she knows I have crushes on about 20 female actresses or singers, so we tease about that. But we are both very secure with each other. When the kids came along, I think we both put the kids first. I didn't feel left out because I could always bike, play guitar, read, or something to recharge myself, and would allow her the space to recharge as well. We've always been pretty much in sync with our priorities. Thanks for the insight into your relationships, especially since I can picture you with the ex at the beginning...

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  10. Oh my, Ronaldo is so HOT!!!!!

    I think a little bit of jealousy is necessary, otherwise you feel he doesn't care enough. I found out that it's also cultural. It's not OK for most American men to show jealousy, as it is perceived as a sign of weakness. Not so much for a Latino.

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  11. Lovin' your last few blog entries. Need the lowdown on Amsterdam!

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  12. You present an interesting question, should people in relationships be jealous and should they openly display their jealousy or should a healthy relationship be secure and void of jealousy because one is loving however detached to the extent that the partner does not feel that he/she needs to seek out the attention of others. Our ego wants the jealousy because it feels that jealousy validates the feelings we have while our spirit wants to love without conditions, without strife and without jealousy because jealousy is a trip of the ego and can poison a relationship. Good questions ... more to think about.

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  13. Two things:

    1) Nice photo! Seriously :-)

    2) The BF does the "mock jealousy" thing, and I love it! If it were REAL jealousy it would be a problem.

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