I'm going to vent.
I need to finish off masturbation month with the winner of the contest and one more sex toy review but I am going to put that off til next week.
Right now, I am in a very dark place. I will be spending time with Gem tonight - thank GOD - because honestly, I am not sure I can go through another night like last night.
I know this will pass. I know I will be ok.
In this moment, I am NOT ok.
I've blogged over and over again about accepting who I am right now. So... here is the ugliness in all it's glory.
I am feeling very manipulated. Again.
Gentleman Jack and Soldier are definitely two different people. But I feel like both of them decided early on that it was much easier to shield their hearts from hurting.
Both of them seemingly fell hard for me early. Then later backtracked like it was too much for them.
Both of them pulled me in with sweet words and dreamy landscapes of paradise and a beautiful loving relationship that could be.
Both of them had stories of relationships that didn't work out (like we all do). And both of them said something to me that made me know, at a gut level, that I should give up. But do I give up? Hell no, I'm apparently too much of an optimist. I apparently think that everyone deserves a chance.
Both of them said to me that they couldn't possibly give me "what I deserved."
What the FUCK am I supposed to do with THAT?!?!?!?!?!?
If you KNOW that I deserve more and you KNOW that you cannot give it then WHY oh FUCKING WHY pull me in and act like you're so strong and willing to try, only to tell me later, "See? I knew I couldn't possibly be here for you the way you should have someone here for you."
"But you're so amazing. I can see why so many are drawn to you. I can't even look in your eyes without divulging my entire life and soul. You see right through me. I feel so safe with you. I am so happy to have had this chance with you...."
Blah Blah blah ad nauseam. Both of them said it. Both of them wanted me to hang on... long after because "It can't be all or nothing!" or "Promise me you'll always be my friend no matter what!"
AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! FUCK THE BOTH OF THEM AND THE WHITE HORSES THEY RODE IN ON!!!!!!!!
I'm so amazing that I scare men off? I'm so attractive and magnetic that they can't resist coming in, wrapping my heart in a big shiny gold box and then saying, "Ooops. Sorry. I mean to tell you that I'm really an ass. I can't help it. Ya see, I've been hurt so many times that, though I want to love you, I'm simply, not capable of it. And you're so wonderful and I never want to not know you... I'd love to have you forever as my friend... but I'm just not what you deserve. And I'm sure that I will hurt you one day. And I really don't want to be the bad guy..."
So.... both of them did things to make me feel as if I was the one to call it off.... only to figure out later on, that maybe it was their plan to sabotage the whole thing anyway.
Or perhaps I'm simply stuck in victim mode right now. It will pass. This I'm sure.
I actually thought, before Gentleman Jack came over, "Well, if we did work out, I might lose some readers."
What the fuck is that too? I actually laughed out loud when that thought came into my head. If that's how my mind works, then I will shut down this blog. I WILL SHUT THIS DOWN!
I do not choose this SHIT anymore. I am OVER this drama.
I also figured out, the entire time I was with Gentleman Jack, that I'm still in love with Soldier. Most of the time he was here, I was wishing it was Soldier or thinking, this is what my weekend in October with Soldier should have been like.
But I thought, "I'm gonna try this. This feels nice. And I will move past this memory stuff about the Soldier and really see Gentleman Jack as different and better. We will spend more time together and I will eventually fall for this man. He is worth it. He is different."
Ha! I say in the face of all the love in this world! You keep toying with me. Teasing me with what could be greatness and then you rip it out of my still gripping hands. I'm left standing there saying over and over again:
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!
Well I give up. I am done. If I didn't have my kids, I would end this shit. End it once and for all. I am over loving people, giving a crap, wanting to heal and inspire and be patient and ignore my fears and hope above all hopes.
I am SO over this life. I am just done.