Saturday, May 30, 2009

Not me

I'm going to vent.

I need to finish off masturbation month with the winner of the contest and one more sex toy review but I am going to put that off til next week.

Right now, I am in a very dark place. I will be spending time with Gem tonight - thank GOD - because honestly, I am not sure I can go through another night like last night.

I know this will pass. I know I will be ok.

In this moment, I am NOT ok.

I've blogged over and over again about accepting who I am right now. So... here is the ugliness in all it's glory.

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I am feeling very manipulated. Again.

Gentleman Jack and Soldier are definitely two different people. But I feel like both of them decided early on that it was much easier to shield their hearts from hurting.

Both of them seemingly fell hard for me early. Then later backtracked like it was too much for them.

Both of them pulled me in with sweet words and dreamy landscapes of paradise and a beautiful loving relationship that could be.

Both of them had stories of relationships that didn't work out (like we all do). And both of them said something to me that made me know, at a gut level, that I should give up. But do I give up? Hell no, I'm apparently too much of an optimist. I apparently think that everyone deserves a chance.

Both of them said to me that they couldn't possibly give me "what I deserved."

What the FUCK am I supposed to do with THAT?!?!?!?!?!?

If you KNOW that I deserve more and you KNOW that you cannot give it then WHY oh FUCKING WHY pull me in and act like you're so strong and willing to try, only to tell me later, "See? I knew I couldn't possibly be here for you the way you should have someone here for you."

"But you're so amazing. I can see why so many are drawn to you. I can't even look in your eyes without divulging my entire life and soul. You see right through me. I feel so safe with you. I am so happy to have had this chance with you...."

Blah Blah blah ad nauseam. Both of them said it. Both of them wanted me to hang on... long after because "It can't be all or nothing!" or "Promise me you'll always be my friend no matter what!"

AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! FUCK THE BOTH OF THEM AND THE WHITE HORSES THEY RODE IN ON!!!!!!!!

I'm so amazing that I scare men off? I'm so attractive and magnetic that they can't resist coming in, wrapping my heart in a big shiny gold box and then saying, "Ooops. Sorry. I mean to tell you that I'm really an ass. I can't help it. Ya see, I've been hurt so many times that, though I want to love you, I'm simply, not capable of it. And you're so wonderful and I never want to not know you... I'd love to have you forever as my friend... but I'm just not what you deserve. And I'm sure that I will hurt you one day. And I really don't want to be the bad guy..."

So.... both of them did things to make me feel as if I was the one to call it off.... only to figure out later on, that maybe it was their plan to sabotage the whole thing anyway.

Or perhaps I'm simply stuck in victim mode right now. It will pass. This I'm sure.

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Other ugliness:

I actually thought, before Gentleman Jack came over, "Well, if we did work out, I might lose some readers."

What the fuck is that too? I actually laughed out loud when that thought came into my head. If that's how my mind works, then I will shut down this blog. I WILL SHUT THIS DOWN!

I do not choose this SHIT anymore. I am OVER this drama.

I also figured out, the entire time I was with Gentleman Jack, that I'm still in love with Soldier. Most of the time he was here, I was wishing it was Soldier or thinking, this is what my weekend in October with Soldier should have been like.

But I thought, "I'm gonna try this. This feels nice. And I will move past this memory stuff about the Soldier and really see Gentleman Jack as different and better. We will spend more time together and I will eventually fall for this man. He is worth it. He is different."

Ha! I say in the face of all the love in this world! You keep toying with me. Teasing me with what could be greatness and then you rip it out of my still gripping hands. I'm left standing there saying over and over again:

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

Well I give up. I am done. If I didn't have my kids, I would end this shit. End it once and for all. I am over loving people, giving a crap, wanting to heal and inspire and be patient and ignore my fears and hope above all hopes.

I am SO over this life. I am just done.

34 comments:

  1. T:

    I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much right now. It's good that you're giving a voice to these emotions. We've ALL got ugliness that lives inside of us - it's important to be able to recognize it when it bubbles to the surface.

    I say this to you now because you might not know it entirely yourself: You WILL be okay. I have every bit of faith in you. You will turn this into an amazing experience of self-knowledge and personal growth. Just allow yourself the ugliess first.

    Hang in there, girl.

    *huge hugs*

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  2. Wow.

    I wish I could be there for you right now, Tonya. You deserve so much better than this. SO much better...

    But I'm hoping that you feel a little bit better now that you've gotten this out of your system and into the open. Sometimes...people just gotta rant, y'know?

    If you want to talk, you know how to get hold of me...or anyone for that matter. You must know by now that this blog has created a strong support network for you. We're ALL here for you.

    xo

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  3. Oh T, my heart is aching for you. I know that you will be ok, that you will rise above this, but right now you need to feel these things. I could say all kinds of sage advice about how you can't have the rainbow without the rain and blah blah blah all that crap, but sometimes life just SUCKS. You DO deserve better, and there is someone out there who is worthy. Remember what you told me about what happened the night before Rascal came back into your life? That was real. That inspired me and helped me to realize more that before that there is that perfect love out there for all of us. You'll find it. I know you will.

    Hugs, and I'm here for you.

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  4. That was difficult to read, but I hope it made you feel better writing it.

    Here's to a brighter tomorrow.

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  5. T; I completely understand how you feel. I've been there. Thank God for our kids cuz they do get us out of bed every day and force us to deal and overcome. And YOU will. I agree with the first three commenters who all said everything I'm thinking so well. We are all here for you. Try to have fun tonight.

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  6. Well Lady T- you inspire me even in your ugliness that is not you but feels like you right now, because the fact that you can be as damn awesome as you are, but that you also have extreme states of feeling like you are having right now makes you all the more real, tender, alive, and amazing to me.

    These men you describe sound exactly like the one I just left, and I completely know what you mean about being with rascal and still being in love with Soldier- and how completely MADDENING that is. I am there too. Have a new dude riding in on his white horse, already telling his tales of the relationship that is to be, and I am enjoying it, but wishing it were the other one, but watching it carefully and cautiously... staying in tune with my own self and trying to interpret it all as entertainment. Jaded? Maybe a little, but maybe that is ok right now- for you, and for me.

    Love and support (and admiration) to you always,
    K

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  7. T:
    it sounds like you're going through one of those days where you feel like you've hit rock bottom. That means that it can only get better. You're healthy, and so are your girls.

    Let the ugliness come out.

    There will be light at the end of the tunnel sweetie. :)

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  8. T: You will survive this. Many of this have been down this road and survived. It's hard to see right now because of the darkness but there will be a dawn and a sunrise again. Remember that you have many many friends because of this blog. And you have your daughters that love you. Feel free to write me if you want. GREG

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  9. I think you are self absorbed and egotistical.

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you said your concern was that you might lose readers.

    WTF?

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  10. Oh, T...Big hugs.

    You are amazing and yes, this will pass. Be patient and loving with yourself in the meantime.

    Oh, and Anonymous: You can fuck right off.

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  11. I think anon is an ass.

    Do you think that maybe it isn't you and your take but the guys you choose? Sweets, I promise it isn't as bad as you are making out.

    WTF is right. WTF are you letting a guy , anyfuckingguy, make you feel this way??

    T its gonna be ok, hey have I ever lied to you? Be sad or angry, then let it go, Sunshine you gotta put your big girl panties on, shin up, tits out and move forward.

    Don't allow anyone else ever to chart your path or cause you to feel any certain way. Everyday its up to you to decide how that day is going to be and how you are going to feel.

    Good JuJu sexy..

    xo

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  12. Ok, anon can go fuck themselves. I'm so glad you do have your girls.

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  13. Sorry to hear that you're struggling. These thoughts you've shared aren't unfamiliar to me.

    You seem to embody the idea of "falling head over heels in love". It's not a bad thing, but it doesn't seem to be working in your favor.

    If you haven't already the book 'He's Just Not That Into You', you should. And try to practice some aloofness with these men. Make them work for the gift of your attention. You are worth it!

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  14. Dear Anonymous:

    I usually ignore idiots like you, but hey - what the fuck, right?

    I find it amazing that you have the almighty NERVE to criticize someone for being brave enough to put their innermost thoughts and emotions out there, and not hide from the world. If only everyone could do that this world would be a MUCH better place.

    Pardon me for being so blunt, but you are completely clueless. I'm actually a little ashamed of myself for giving you the three minutes of my life that it took me to write this response to you. You're not deserving of even that.

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  15. Its perfectly okay to feel this way - conflicted, manipulated, ugly, whatever... and I do thank you for sharing because like Krista said, it makes you more real, more human, more of a fabulous blogger. Here's to tomorrow, toots!

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  16. I don't blame you for being angry ~ I've had similar feelings about somebody else, not too long ago (I could see the very same thing coming towards me, in the future: "Well, I *told* you..."). (almost) everyone else has said what I would have liked to say (much better than I would have said it).

    Oh, and I'm "Anonymous" from a couple of weeks ago (who vented about being on the "crazy" side of things - sorry about that). I didn't mean to post without my name. I'm *not* the anonymous person above...

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  17. T - this is normal which I KNOW doesnt make you feel one single bit better!

    It doesnt take the pain away or the hurt or the ugliness. It just makes it all still as painful :(

    But the thing is T you LOVED! YOU LOVED. You felt that joy, that happiness! YOU werent afraid. You embraced it and you felt it!

    Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all - I BELEIVE that!

    Mr Roses told me I was worthwhile and then said thank you for all the good times - I told him to fuck off - repeatedly - it was liberating :)

    And Anonymous person - clearly you have never loved completely to have ever felt the heart ache. Shame on you.

    And to me loosing a reader is like loosing a friend - so it is a concern for me too! If that makes me egotistical well then I get to stand next to T too - and there are worse places to be!

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  18. T, I cannot TELL you how much I identify with your feelings. If I ever hear another one of those "I can't give you the love and attention and blah blah blah you deserve" spiels from one of those "eager puppy dog, now scram" types, I will seriously slap the person foolish enough to try and hand me that kind of bullshit. A couple of things have helped me get past the very painful situations in which I have heard suchlike: 1) yes, these men (unworthy as they are) are drawn to us because we are amazing, intense, and awesome--and they just can't handle it. But the upshot is we ARE amazing, intense, and awesome. 2) we really DO deserve better; and 3) as a very smart friend recently told me, "When you meet someone who is right for you, all this dating stuff will just not be that complicated." And "right" in this sense may mean Mr. Right Now, Mr. Right Life Partner, or anything in between, but when you connect with a guy who is secure enough and in a good place to handle a relationship with you, it will just be sooooo different from this kind of crap. "Don't stop believin'"

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  19. T: I know you are hurting, and I do very much understand your pain - really, I do. But, please, keep in mind a statement a friend of mine told me when another friend killed himself: you can't escape life.

    This is one of those moments you'll look back on in coming years with understanding. Life is like this ... full of highs, as well as lows, and well, I guess this is one of those low moments.

    It's ok to feel like that, and as human beings we have to go through these feelings.

    ((HUGS))

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  20. Nope when any guy tells you this?
    "Both of them said to me that they couldn't possibly give me "what I deserved." Believe them. They're not worth of the effort. Sorry for the frustration. Evidently not a 'bug' on certain guys, but a feature! On Vac

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  21. Revelations like that suck. But they do the most for us.

    As for the guys? I've learned that when a man says he "can't" give you what you need, it's really he "won't." And when you realize that (which you did) it stings but you'll end up on the better side of it all. Who wants to be with someone who WON'T?

    Not you. Not me.

    You'll be fine. I promise.

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  22. Um, Anon, get a freaking life. What kind of person kicks someone when they are down? Seriously, you are scum.

    T-I'm so sorry, girl! Head up! We love you!
    Angel

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  23. Fuck Anon.

    T, babe, you deserve someone who can fill every part of you, body and soul. You will find that person. It just isn't happening in your time. :( I've been there. It sucks. I hope you find it soon. In the meantime, know that you are an amazing, sensual, special, rocking, wonderful woman who shouldn't settle for anything less than her equal.

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  24. Reading your last 2 blogs has been a little painful for me...mainly because I have been in the same situation you find yourself in very recently. I met a wonderful man whom promised this beat down, love deprived single mom EVERYTHING only to later back out after I had fallen in love with him. I'm not sure why men do this...it's not the first time it has happened to me. I actually married a man who did it to me. He lasted 2 months before he decided that he just couldn't be a husband and a father because it was too emotionally draining on him. I would never think someone could be cruel enough to emotionally fuck with my head and my heart. but it happens to me over and over again. I just want you to know that you aren't alone in what you are feeling. My son is the only thing that gets me up in the morning sometimes because while some people might call me self absorbed and egotistical I just want to be loved, and not the love you get from a child...the love you get from a man. A lot of people that aren't single parents, can't diferintiate one from the other. I don't think men understand that we are the way that we are when we enter into a new relationship because we have litterly had our hearts ripped out over and over again. It's hard to fully trust someone. It makes me wonder if I should even attempt love anymore. It seems that everytime I finally get my confidence back and my willingness to trust again that I get my heart crushed once again. I truly know how you are feeling right now and I am so sorry. Just know that you aren't alone and you will come out a stronger woman. Women are resiliant creatures and that's why the weaker of the opposiste species is drawn to us. Keep your head held high! *hugs*

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  25. I don't know what more I can add to what has been said above. You just need to live for you and those beautiful little girls of yours for a while. What you want will come your way one day, and it will probably be so unexpected you won't know what hit you.

    Hang in there.

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  26. I wish I could come and see you and give you a big hug. I can't even begin to tell you how much I have felt the same way you have.

    As you said to me about a month ago "Vent away!!! It is YOUR blog."

    Hugs

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  27. Hanging in there....sometimes we have to go through a lot fo bad appleas to get to the good.

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  28. Geez, T, I can't even imagine what goes through some guys heads. I'd be venting too. Hopefully we'll see you on meeting night and we can maybe give you some solace.

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  29. Thanks for leaving me blog love on my blog! I could of wrote this myself. And yes, I like to think we are so amamzing that we scare guys off.

    I got one ex that ran away to war to get away from me. And another that ran away to Europe. lol

    I laugh now, but at the time it was anything but funny. Keep your head up! Great post.

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  30. Dear T, I am behind on reading all blogs but I wanted to at least read this one after reading the more recent one.

    First of all, I HEART you big, big, BIG time. And this is YOUR fucking blog so this is YOUR place to write what you want, when you want.

    As you know, I am all too familiar with the dark places and so I empathize heavily with you and send you all so much love over the universe.

    *Sigh* The Friend used that exact same line on me: I can't give you what you deserve. And my response was the same: WTF are you doing spending all this time and affection on me then and what does that statement mean anyway?

    I am sorry, T. I am sorry that you met another stupid boy who couldn't just BE A MAN. I'm sorry that you felt this horrible pain.

    You DO deserve more, but you shouldn't have been dragged through the mud in the first place.

    Lots and lots of love, girl.

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  31. You are you, not your relationship.

    Peace T.

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  32. Through this darkest of times you will find light, hang in there!

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  33. I wonder what it would be like if you cut all ties with them, most importantlhy in your head and heart? You would be making room for something healthy and good. (I am, in no way, saying it is easy!). Someone used to say to me "you deserve better than what I can give you" and what they really mean by saying that is "I am not willing to give you better than what I am giving you".

    You know who you are and what you deserve. When it feels like crap, you flush it.

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!