When the ex and I were first dating, he would say sweet things to me like, "Your skin is so soft. Do you bathe in rose milk?"
Well, to a 19 year old girl experiencing her first relationship, I was swooning.
Years later, we were married and discussing this very topic:
T: "You used to tell me that my skin was soft. You don't say that anymore."
Ex: "T, it's different now. We're not newly dating and now it's... wife skin."
I've been in a very weird place since returning from Europe.
I realized that I've been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
This is completely not like me. I am a very self-aware, confident, happy person.
What the hell is happening to me?!
I really think that much of my confidence came from being in a relationship.
This "being single" thing... is new to me. I'm not sure how to do it.
It doesn't help that I've been reeling in Soldier-ville again.
I was feeling much better about it and then....
- I was surrounded by soldiers returning home from war
- There was a terrible tragedy at his former camp in Iraq
- He sent an email
Yep, you heard it. He sent an email to his "family and friends" with an update on a charity marathon we'd all donated money towards.
The marathon was to be in London, the same week I was in Europe.
He was unable to do the marathon due to an injury. I knew he was injured but still worried about running into him at the airport. It turns out, he changed his plans and vacationed in Italy instead.
While I was in Germany, Soldier was in Italy.
The pathetic part is that all I could think of was, "Who did he go with?" and "Why wasn't it me?"
Now that I've had a day to think about it, I feel that my frustration with this Soldier situation is because we are not speaking. We are not friends.
I am not even sure if he likes me anymore!
This is odd for me. I haven't been here before.
Being single AND having an ex that doesn't like me? This is completely new skin!
I was hesitant about putting up the post from yesterday.
I'm not sure why. Perhaps fear of being judged. Just... fear.
I've said before that this blog documents my explorations, both sexually and spiritually. I am not ashamed of what I have experienced with either.
I know that some people will turn away when I reveal the truth of who I am.
And that's ok.
Those that want to know more will continue to read here. Just as those that want to know me, will stick around to find out more.
I've always been a pleaser. I want everyone to like me. I'm now realizing that my wish for that... is very detrimental to my state of being.
Perhaps the reason I have been uncomfortable in this skin is because I am between shells.
A therapist once mentioned this to me:
A hermit crab inhabits a shell. Then it outgrows the shell and has to find a larger one. In the meantime, in between shells, the hermit crab is vulnerable and unprotected.
My sweet Pickle Boy told me that I will just have to accept that I have a weakness for Soldier and it may last awhile.
He's right. Why should I judge myself so harshly for mourning a man that was promised to marry me? Of course I will be sad. Of course, I will still wonder "what if."
I still don't feel like dating but I would still like a relationship. Eventually.
I recognize that I am single and I'm learning to accept that.
The relationship with Soldier can't be helped. I can't force anyone to like me or accept me. They either will or they won't.
In the meantime, I can still feel confident in the relationship I'm currently in. The one I don't have to worry about ever losing:
The relationship with my Self.
So in this new skin, I may I feel vulnerable. Unprotected. Maybe oversexed (undersexed?). Perhaps I'm a bit co-dependent. Maybe a little too much for some.
It's the skin I'm wearing right now. It's not wife skin. (Heh.) But it's my skin.
I will accept it. I will enjoy it. I will pamper it.
Maybe a nice rose milk bath is exactly what the doctor ordered.