Thursday, May 14, 2009

Skin


When the ex and I were first dating, he would say sweet things to me like, "Your skin is so soft. Do you bathe in rose milk?"

Well, to a 19 year old girl experiencing her first relationship, I was swooning.


Years later, we were married and discussing this very topic:

T:
"You used to tell me that my skin was soft. You don't say that anymore."

Ex: "T, it's different now. We're not newly dating and now it's... wife skin."

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I've been in a very weird place since returning from Europe.

I realized that I've been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

This is completely not like me. I am a very self-aware, confident, happy person.

What the hell is happening to me?!

I really think that much of my confidence came from being in a relationship.

This "being single" thing... is new to me. I'm not sure how to do it.

---

It doesn't help that I've been reeling in Soldier-ville again.

I was feeling much better about it and then....

Yep, you heard it. He sent an email to his "family and friends" with an update on a charity marathon we'd all donated money towards.

The marathon was to be in London, the same week I was in Europe.

He was unable to do the marathon due to an injury. I knew he was injured but still worried about running into him at the airport. It turns out, he changed his plans and vacationed in Italy instead.

While I was in Germany, Soldier was in Italy.

The pathetic part is that all I could think of was, "Who did he go with?" and "Why wasn't it me?"

*sigh*

Now that I've had a day to think about it, I feel that my frustration with this Soldier situation is because we are not speaking. We are not friends.

I am not even sure if he likes me anymore!

This is odd for me. I haven't been here before.

Being single AND having an ex that doesn't like me? This is completely new skin!

---

I was hesitant about putting up the post from yesterday.

I'm not sure why. Perhaps fear of being judged. Just... fear.

I've said before that this blog documents my explorations, both sexually and spiritually. I am not ashamed of what I have experienced with either.

I know that some people will turn away when I reveal the truth of who I am.

And that's ok.


Those that want to know more will continue to read here. Just as those that want to know me, will stick around to find out more.

I've always been a pleaser. I want everyone to like me. I'm now realizing that my wish for that... is very detrimental to my state of being.

---

Perhaps the reason I have been uncomfortable in this skin is because I am between shells.

A therapist once mentioned this to me:
A hermit crab inhabits a shell. Then it outgrows the shell and has to find a larger one. In the meantime, in between shells, the hermit crab is vulnerable and unprotected.


My sweet Pickle Boy told me that I will just have to accept that I have a weakness for Soldier and it may last awhile.

He's right. Why should I judge myself so harshly for mourning a man that was promised to marry me? Of course I will be sad. Of course, I will still wonder "what if."


I still don't feel like dating but I would still like a relationship. Eventually.


I recognize that I am single and I'm learning to accept that.


The relationship with Soldier can't be helped. I can't force anyone to like me or accept me. They either will or they won't.


In the meantime, I can still feel confident in the relationship I'm currently in. The one I don't have to worry about ever losing:

The relationship with my Self.

---

So in this new skin, I may I feel vulnerable. Unprotected. Maybe oversexed (undersexed?). Perhaps I'm a bit co-dependent. Maybe a little too much for some.

It's the skin I'm wearing right now. It's not wife skin. (Heh.) But it's my skin.

I will accept it. I will enjoy it. I will pamper it.

Maybe a nice rose milk bath is exactly what the doctor ordered.

16 comments:

  1. LOL wife skin.

    Being a pleaser is a hard place to be. I know if very well and when someone doesn't or I perceive it as so it's hard to deal with. I'm happy to say I can work it out, but its still not natural.

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  2. I think the hermit crab analogy is perfect. Changes, transition, loss, mourning, pain, reflection, growth...all these things leave us vulnerable. Being self-aware even makes us vulnerable to those who exploit our wilingness to accept critisism and consider another's opinion.

    Being comfortable in your own skin can be intimidating to some people and a turn on for others. But YOU being comfortable in it is what's imporatant. Glad you are. ;)

    ((Hugs))

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  3. You know it's the RAW you!! Very difficult. You have to take time to mourn soldier, it is natural. I know you hate it when you get fixated on it again for a while but that is part of your growth.
    As for your post yesterday, I loved it it was honest and you can say whatever you want. Keep on going, you will appreciate all of this one day.

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  4. The transition phase is really hard... and when you are faced to figure out a future that is different than the vision you had, the vision that was created by not just you, but you and someone else that is no longer there you feel a bit adrift and lost.

    There will be stumbles, but we (I'm in that same place) will find that new shell, cozy in and enjoy. I've finally accepted the fact that I'll eventually have to move from that shell again someday as my life evolves. That really was a good analogy.

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  5. Another crab analogy: tough on the outside, soft on the inside. And they don't like being exposed (not without their willingess, that is).

    Transition...not a big fan of it myself.

    Even now I find myself still having moments of missing The Friend (who?!). I keep thinking it's gone, over with, and then it pops up again. *Sigh*

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  6. Wife skin? I love the analogy. My ex-wife's skin always smelled great, but our problem, ahem, was more than skin deep.

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  7. T,
    Love how you are thinking through your process. Love the skin your in, isn't that how the old saying goes. Embrace where you are, stay aware and all will be as it should be. Love how you think!

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  8. Bah. Soldier SHMOLDIER. He is an ass.

    And yes, Mark is right. Love the skin you're in. WE ALL DO!!

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  9. I can so relate to this T! Went thro it last year and remember feeling for the first time - I am nobodys lover, g/friend, wife, friend - I am just ME!

    While rather daunting it is also so very exciting!

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  10. I love your skin.

    Just the fact that you wrote this post -- and put it out there -- is incredibly brave. Please continue to reveal your truth.

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  11. I like the hermit crab analogy. Getting to know yourself and being comfortable by yourself is hard work. Many people aren't courageous enough to do that. I think it's great to want to please people, but it's best to do so from compassion and unconditional love, not wanting or expecting anything in return. When you attach your happiness to what others think of you, you're setting yourself up for trouble.

    Keep blogging and letting us know all about you on your quest called life unfolding!

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  12. Another fan of the hermit crab analogy! It's just so...apt.

    I really admire you for laying it all out there and saying "This is me. Like it or lump it." My first reaction to your last post was "She is so brave. I wish I could be that brave." :)

    I agree with QTMama - it's Soldier's loss. And yet, at the same time, I know that horrible feeling of not speaking to someone you were once so close with and who may or may not like you anymore. Sucks.

    Enjoy that milk bath!

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  13. I have to agree with Dadshouse. It is hard work, but I really recommend spending time with yourself. Maybe it's because I didn't have much relationship success after I divorced, so I kind of HAD to learn to love spending time alone or doing things just for me, but I think it helped me see what I wanted and what I needed. I'd like to think it prepared me to accept what was -- and was not -- in my life or part of my being...and I think it helped pave the way to finding a fulfilling relationship.

    (OK, I guess luck had something to do with that, too!)

    Be well, T. Your skin is uniquely yours and that's what's so beautiful about it.

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  14. T,

    Being single when you never really wanted to be single to begin with can be an extremely difficult transition to make.

    The good thing? You're an incredibly strong woman. And that strength is enough to get you through this tough time.

    Your readers all know how amazing you are. Sometimes one needs to take a step back just so they can look at themselves and realize what everybody else sees in them.

    Your skin is amazing...and so are you. GREAT post!

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  15. I'm exactly where you are girl.

    Love yourself and the rest will follow.

    And I love this quote:
    "If one speaks or acts with a cruel mind, misery follows, as the cart follows the horse... If one speaks or acts with a pure mind, happiness follows, as a shadow follows its source." - the Dhammapada

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  16. You know...I remember someone once asking me how (before I would perhaps reveal a bit of myself) did I know the other person would be okay with it?

    My response was, "I didn't. I told them because I did not care if it was or not."

    This attitude seems particular hard for women to grasp and I have been preaching it to QTMama for a while. Obviously, it can only go so far but every so often, if she asks if something bothers me, I am surprised and will say, "No. See, I don't give a shit."

    And sometimes I will tell her to repeat the motto. "I don't give a shit."

    The trick is to know what is really worth giving a shit about. Is this person's opinion about you *really* all that important? Sometimes it is...often, it isn't. And honestly, this is coming from a person who can be sensitive about the smallest things sometimes (can't we all?).

    I realize this is incredibly vague - like telling someone to live life in moderation without giving them any guidelines on what the hell that is. How do you decide? Do you live your life like you will live forever or live your life like you might die tomorrow? Who knows?

    Who gives a shit?

    ;)

    love to you, T.

    -R.

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