However, all of us have something that we’re insecure about, right?
I have that. And I hate it. I hate to admit to insecurities.
I try to convince myself that I am completely happy with my body. I see muscle definition in my legs from the yoga, cycling and running. I can wear tank tops and sleeveless blouses because of my toned arms from swimming and yoga. My abs are looking muscular with every hour on the bike and strength from the yoga asanas. What do I have to be insecure about?
Well, in keeping with the theme of honoring how I am feeling, no matter how ugly, I will admit it:
I am happy with my body. But...
- When I’m in a beautiful yoga pose and take a glance down at my lower belly, I see extra skin from carrying two 9 lb babies.
- I live in push up bras because my used-to-be 36C cups became not-so-full D cups post-pregnancy. Once the milk was gone, *sigh*, so was the fullness.
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I wasn't blessed with skin that snaps back into perfect condition. I don't like how those two areas look to me. I hate to say it but...
I am considering plastic surgery.
(God I can barely even say that out loud!)
I guess I've always carried myself with such pride at having full natural breasts when I live in a city filled with silicone perky tits.
(This is why I try not to judge. You never know when you could be in the same shoes!)
I also do my damnedest to live in a Zen state of "I am not my body."
(And if I am not my body, it shouldn't matter if I want to fix something, right?)
So I think, "Ya know, while I'm here, can't I enjoy this body?"
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I don't want to be some version of a 20 year old T. I simply want to see the benefits of what I've done to keep a healthy body at almost 40 years old. And dammit, I'd like to put on a bikini for the first time in my life!!!
I also tend to think, "Well, the next guy I'm with is going to think I'm sexy just the way I am!"
But I can't say that I'm completely comfortable in my body.
I feel like a sex goddess in clothes. I also wouldn't say that my two relatively minor body issues interfere with my ABSOLUTE enjoyment of sex. Still, yeah, maybe it'd be even better if I didn't wonder if the man I was with thought my body was amazing.
He may think it or even say it... but if I don't believe it, then he can't convince me.
*sigh*
The worst part is the guilt I feel. Why can't I be proud of the fact that it is because of my two sweet girls that my body looks like it does? Why can't I wear this body with pride?
I wish I could.
I'm also scared... SO TERRIFIED... of going under the knife in the name of insecurity. Or is it vanity? What if the doctor really screws up my boobs just for a lift? What will people think if something awful happens to me because I was getting a tummy tuck? Will they tell stories of, "She looked fine to me but she was so insecure/vain that she had to have surgery. Now, those poor little girls..."
Ugh.
I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm not sure how I can afford it. I don't know how or when it's going to happen.
I only know that I do want to be naked, happy and feeling free in this skin!!!
I can only imagine the trouble I could get into with that feeling. *giggle*
"Love brings you face to face with yourself. It’s impossible to love another if you cannot love yourself. – John Pierrakos
I think if you are considering plastic surery FOR YOU then go for it!! I did it (breasts) after my third child - just to "fill them back up" and I'm SOooo glad I did! It has allowed me to wear clothes without worrying about filling out the tops or what kind of bras I would need, etc. Plus, it increased my sexual enjoyment! Like you I was happy before but since having it done...much better and NO REGRETS!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I have always loved my body, no matter the size. Just disappointed that it is not being used as it should be right now.
ReplyDeleteI have asked guys about this and the ones you WANT to be with. The ones you WANT to touch you and feel you - they are the ones who think your body is perfect - with the fat rolls and stretch marks and small boobies :)
ReplyDeleteI am kinda anti plastic surgery - but having said that I have to ugly scars on my leg so if anything I would have them fixed if possible!
Hmmmmm... I honestly don't know what to say. I'm kinda in awe that you even feel remotely insecure because you are so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI think you should really try to explore the real underlying reason why you are considering this surgery. If its strictly physical and really isn't a deeper issue than that - then go for it.
I would just be wary of falling into "the grass is greener" kinda of thinking. Perhaps deluding yourself that you'll be happier when you have the perfect tits - only to find after surgery that deep down you feel... the same sort of discontentment that you feel now.... EVEN THOUGH I think you are gorgeous and have no reason at all to feel anything less than fabulous!
I think you should save your money for your children's college education and forego the surgery. An education will benefit them more than you having a firmer gut.
ReplyDeleteI think this is all about you, T. You are beautiful...and I do agree that if you find the right man, he's not going to care.
ReplyDeleteBut, like you said, if you're not 100% confident, there's nothing that anyone can say to change that.
Who cares what anyone else will think if you go through with it? What do YOU think?
T - ultimately this is your decision that you have to make. I've certainly had my own struggles with my body, my own insecurities with the way I look, so I can certainly relate to where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteEspecially the part where you say you feel like a goddess in clothing, but out of clothing? Not so much. Child bearing certainly didn't do my body any favours, either.
However, having said that, my older sister had a tummy tuck a couple of years back. It was successful, but it's changed her body in a strange way. She's put on a couple of pounds since then, and her body shape is now...for a lack of a better word "weird". Instead of putting the weight on evenly everywhere, it's going on everywhere BUT in her "tummy zone", making the rest of her body appear unbalanced and out of proportion. I'm not sure, but I think she regrets having it done. I know that I would if I were her.
I do realize that she's only one person and that everyone has different results and that you have to do some soul searching and figure things out for yourself. The most important thing is, that at the end of the day, YOU are happy with you, no matter what.
**hugs**
I love these comments. It is interesting to hear so many points of view.
ReplyDeleteI don't not feel beautiful. And I had no problems with my body when I was heavier other than wanting to be healthy. I do feel that its more me wanting to fix something that feels a bit broken to me. My stretchmarks don't bother me either. I call them my tiger stripes. Heh.
And for the record, I already have college funds for both of my girls. AND a wedding fund. So, we're ok there.
This is just.... for me.
But keep the comments coming! I can't wait to hear what the men have to add.
Maybe you could spend the money on a pair of glasses instead, if you can't see how gorgeous you are.
ReplyDeleteI have the same worries, actually. My boobs are already dropping badly and I wonder how bad it will be after having children. I'm happy with everything else on my body but that and I would seriously consider plastic surgery. I wouldn't need them any bigger, just up where they ought to be, you know?
ReplyDeleteHm. Have been ruminating on this post a lot since I read it last night, because I've been thinking about this issue, too. The last (and final for quite awhile) man I dated made some parting comments about my body that keep floating around in my head... about how he was so proud of himself that he'd "grown" to a point that he could find me so sexy regardless of the stretch marks and drooping breasts from 2 children. My brain knows that a) he's a bastard who was just hitting below the belt, and that b) I want to be with someone who loves me and doesn't care about that sort of thing. But I also want to be comfortable with my body for ME.
ReplyDeleteFunny though... if I were giving advice to a friend? Like you, T? I would wish for you enough love to embrace your WHOLE self for you are, on the inside and the outside. And those parts of your body are the way they are because of your beautiful little girls.
No good answers here, I guess. :)
You guys are great.
ReplyDeleteThe men (and women) that I have been with since giving birth to my daughters have been nothing but complimentary about my body. But the men have pointed out to me that I hide my belly. And I do! It just doesn't look attractive to me.
They haven't said, "I don't like the way you look." They have said, "Why don't YOU like the way you look?"
So... yeah. This is for me. And it is strangely liberating to realize that.
I want to do this for me!
I can understand the feeling and the struggle. I am overall happy with myself and my body, but the ta-tas are a sticking point for me. I have really considered a "lift", although I know it would involve implants and that is why it is a sticking point. Mine are naturally large and I don't want to be part of the fake crowd. But, my good friend pointed out, you wouldn't be trying to get something you didn't already have, you are just restoring. It is a very personal decision and I don't think anything to be feel bad about either way!
ReplyDeleteI will absolutely do botox when I start to get wrinkles, and if I wasn't happy with some extra skin/sagging, I'd get surgery to fix that, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping the fact that I don't want to have kids will mitigate some of this for me.
My girlfriend is the same as you. She is in absolutely fabulous shape, and I think her body is fantastic. But she says that she doesn't like that her breasts aren't what they were before kids and she has extra skin from carrying two kids. But if she told me she wanted plastic surgery I'd tell her she's crazy!
ReplyDeleteI'd be lying if I didn't say that if I had the money that I wouldn't get lipo.
ReplyDeleteYou do whatever makes you happy, T. I think you're gorgeous both inside and out just the way you are...but only you can decide YOUR happiness.
xo
Funny you write about this now, I have been mourning the postponement of my boobjob since Memorial Day! I promised myself, shortly after getting divorced 2 yrs ago, that I would get down to my goal weight (lost 85lbs to do it), pay off all my debt, AND save the $10,000 for a lift. And I did it! This was the year I was going to do it. I started to schedule appointments, and guess what, the economy started to get REALLY bad and friends and family started losing jobs. I just couldn't spend the money I had saved, knowing it would make me unable to help them if they needed me, or to help my son or myself should something happen to my job. Worst part, a good friend just got hers, and I have to say, they are beautiful. The thing she said that stuck with me most, is that she feels, for the first time in 10yrs, that she is back living in her own body, not someone's mother's! She did it for herself, to feel like herself, and now, remarkably, looks more like herself! I say, go for it! I will, as soon as the economy starts to turn around!
ReplyDeleteWe are behind you T, we just want you to be happy and if this surgery does it then I say go for it.
ReplyDelete**hugs**
I have a gf who, like you, is a tri-athlete and takes immense pride and care in her body. About a year ago - she was six-months into her divorce then - she showed me her breasts and said, "I hate how saggy they are from having the kids." I looked at them and thought they looked beautiful.
ReplyDeleteShe went ahead and had the surgery. She showed them to me a couple weeks ago. I personally thought her other breasts were just as beautiful - but there was no denying how happy her new ones made her.
She always said that it just didn't feel right to have "ugly breasts that she couldn't do a damn thing about" when she worked so hard on her body through training.
Whatever makes you happy T. It's a big decision. But every woman I know who's had the surgery was very happy with it.
I'm OK to stick with push-up bras!
I'm with Depot Dad, having seen you in the flesh - you are hot hot hot. As always, I appreciate your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI am not even going to read the other comments - I have a very good stand on this in my mind (for myself). I think about this issue every morning and every night.
ReplyDeleteIf I had the money I would be there yesterday! I had 4 pregnancies in 5 years time. My stomach now resembles a bowl of punched down bread dough. I can literally pull inches worth of skin away from my frame... it is really really bad!
Why would I do it? Because it would make me happier... the side effect it would have on my man is a bonus ;)
Is it necessary? no. Would I go without food for it? no. Is this something I can hide rendering it unnecessary - yes.
But if I did have the money I would do it. NO QUESTION.