However, all of us have something that we’re insecure about, right?
I have that. And I hate it. I hate to admit to insecurities.
I try to convince myself that I am completely happy with my body. I see muscle definition in my legs from the yoga, cycling and running. I can wear tank tops and sleeveless blouses because of my toned arms from swimming and yoga. My abs are looking muscular with every hour on the bike and strength from the yoga asanas. What do I have to be insecure about?
Well, in keeping with the theme of honoring how I am feeling, no matter how ugly, I will admit it:
I am happy with my body. But...
- When I’m in a beautiful yoga pose and take a glance down at my lower belly, I see extra skin from carrying two 9 lb babies.
- I live in push up bras because my used-to-be 36C cups became not-so-full D cups post-pregnancy. Once the milk was gone, *sigh*, so was the fullness.
I wasn't blessed with skin that snaps back into perfect condition. I don't like how those two areas look to me. I hate to say it but...
I am considering plastic surgery.
(God I can barely even say that out loud!)
I guess I've always carried myself with such pride at having full natural breasts when I live in a city filled with silicone perky tits.
(This is why I try not to judge. You never know when you could be in the same shoes!)
I also do my damnedest to live in a Zen state of "I am not my body."
(And if I am not my body, it shouldn't matter if I want to fix something, right?)
So I think, "Ya know, while I'm here, can't I enjoy this body?"
I don't want to be some version of a 20 year old T. I simply want to see the benefits of what I've done to keep a healthy body at almost 40 years old. And dammit, I'd like to put on a bikini for the first time in my life!!!
I also tend to think, "Well, the next guy I'm with is going to think I'm sexy just the way I am!"
But I can't say that I'm completely comfortable in my body.
I feel like a sex goddess in clothes. I also wouldn't say that my two relatively minor body issues interfere with my ABSOLUTE enjoyment of sex. Still, yeah, maybe it'd be even better if I didn't wonder if the man I was with thought my body was amazing.
He may think it or even say it... but if I don't believe it, then he can't convince me.
The worst part is the guilt I feel. Why can't I be proud of the fact that it is because of my two sweet girls that my body looks like it does? Why can't I wear this body with pride?
I wish I could.
I'm also scared... SO TERRIFIED... of going under the knife in the name of insecurity. Or is it vanity? What if the doctor really screws up my boobs just for a lift? What will people think if something awful happens to me because I was getting a tummy tuck? Will they tell stories of, "She looked fine to me but she was so insecure/vain that she had to have surgery. Now, those poor little girls..."
I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm not sure how I can afford it. I don't know how or when it's going to happen.
I only know that I do want to be naked, happy and feeling free in this skin!!!
I can only imagine the trouble I could get into with that feeling. *giggle*
"Love brings you face to face with yourself. It’s impossible to love another if you cannot love yourself. – John Pierrakos