I am very familiar with this roller coaster myself.
In my comment to her, I made reference to the fact that it is truly a day-by-day decision to remain in a relationship that has an uncertain future.
But don't all relationships have an uncertain future? Isn't it an on-going choice by both parties to remain in a relationship?
In deciding every day, our decisions are based on the NOW.
There are some days when that is ok. I feel centered and focused. I am present. I am enjoying this moment. I see the good.
My perspective is clear.
Then there are other days when I don't see anything but a future filled with angst and pain. On those days I am deeply rooted in fear.
I don't want to make decisions based on fear!!
But aren't we, as humans, looking ahead most of the time? Don't we make calls on relationships and life based on the future? Is that the best decision making process?
We don't have any idea what the future holds. We have no clue what sort of judgments we are making right now that are based solely on our tiny little perception of the much bigger picture.
How is our deciding of what we think will happen - based on what we think we know - the best way to decide?
Then again, this is what we do and how we lead our lives every day.
In every moment, we are judging and making a decision based on what we know now.
This is why we cannot have regrets. Why regret what we thought was the best decision we could make at the time?
- We only knew a finite amount of information.
- We had a certain perspective at the time of "the now" or "the future", "love" or "fear".
- We laid a judgment upon the situation based solely on the past, which in effect, projects our past into the future.
In recognizing these attributes to my decision making process, I am more apt to pull myself back to the present moment.
When I feel those fears, I don't want to answer the phone when Gentleman Jack calls. I don't want to respond to his texts. I want to remove him as my Facebook friend and pretend that he doesn't exist.
Wouldn't that be easier?
I could run away from it and get used to not leaning on him anymore. He would be hurt, sure, but I would save myself a lot of pain later, right?
When I can pull back to the present moment, I recognize that he isn't running away from me. He, in fact, will reach out to me stronger when I pull away like that.
So I slow down my panicked breathing and see that my Gentleman has sent me text messages. Somehow he senses it, he just knows and he asks, "R U OK?"
I try to play it off. Surely he is tired of my moods changing like the winds. He is as steady as the land. He will not allow me to hide away with my fear. He will patiently convince me to spill my guts.
When I painfully admit these fears to him, he says, "I know how you feel."
And just like that, I remember that I am not the only one in this relationship. I am not the only one who gets scared and thinks too much.
So as long as we are both choosing each other, every day, in some form or another, this story can't help but have a happy ending.
I hope so.