Sunday, July 26, 2009
at 1:43 PM
With all of this talk about whether or not I'm falling in love with Gentleman Jack, I wondered how I would feel around him when I saw him in person on Friday night. Mostly, I wondered...
Am I open to it?
And besides, I'd spent the previous few days in a complete swoonfest on Twitter!
(Pardon my continued swooning. This is when my blog is truly like a diary to me. I have to record these memories for future smiles. I love to relive this stuff.)
After joining Jack, his son and his mother for a nice sushi dinner, we were finally alone, driving out to his mother's house.
Jack was holding my hand.
We were stopped at a red light when he lifted my hand to his cheek, closed his eyes, sighed and said, "I missed you."
My heart beat a little faster and... I felt a little tug of emotion.
Later we were lying in the afterglow of sex and candlelight and my head was resting on his arm. We weren't speaking but simply staring into each others' eyes.
He had purchased my favorite scented candle for his house. The scent reminded him of me and he knew I would enjoy it when I visited.
We had spent the evening with his freakin-cutest-little-boy-I-have-ever-seen son who followed me around all night saying, "Miss T! Miss T! Look at this! Watch me! Look at me! Miss T! Miss T!"
GJ's mother, who has heard everything about me from her adoring son, wanted to meet me. She had already friended me on Facebook and found that we had much in common. We chatted and giggled and bonded and my Gentleman ate it up.
Finally, Jack and I were alone and enjoying being together in his big comfy bed.
With all of the images of the night and the oxytocin still streaming through my post-coital body, I felt that "little tug" turn in to a full blown overwhelming emotion.
I couldn't breathe.
My Gentleman, ever the intuitive man, immediately held me and calmed me. I was sobbing and I couldn't do anything but melt into his arms.
Was this it?
Was I beginning to fall in love with him?
The next morning, I woke up in a pool of sweat.
I must have had a bad dream because, though Jack was sleeping soundly next to me, I felt like I wanted to run away. I felt alone. Sad. Insecure.
What the hell am I doing?
I got out of bed and went to take a shower. As I stood there, with a gazillion thoughts running through my head, I felt arms around my waist and soft kisses on the side of my face.
He knew I was thinking too much. I tried to re-assure him that I wasn't future-tripping, as I'm known to do. No, this time it was different.
I missed him. I missed the man I talked on the phone with everyday.
What a weird feeling.
It made perfect sense to him. How the man can talk me through even the weirdest of feelings is completely amazing to me!
He understood that on the phone, we talk. A lot. We say things we feel about each other. We say things we want to do to each other.
In person, we demonstrate it.
"What the hell am I doing?" I asked him.
"You... are about to make love with a man that you love. Who loves you back. And who is one of your best friends in the whole world."
In those few words, he brought me back to the present moment again.
I wonder, perhaps, if a long distance relationship makes the falling in love process take longer.
I wonder, perhaps, if the fact that we have been through painful breakups contributes to the fear of falling.
I wonder, perhaps, if, as we grow older and "wiser", we take a little longer to build trust in someone. Maybe we're not as naive as we once were.
All I know is that in my previous relationship, I felt alone much of the time. With Jack, I don't. And even when I try to isolate myself, he pulls me close. He reminds me that I am not alone.
I feel safe.
I feel loved.
I feel accepted.
I feel respected.
I feel adored.
This doesn't feel difficult. I'm not trying too hard or working my ass off to please, as I've done before.
I am being myself and it appears, he is too.
I'm not sure what's happening. But I do know one thing:
He is definitely fall-in-lovable.