It is Tuesday night and I'm at home.
My ex-husband, who still travels every week with work - and has since we were dating - is here with the kids.
Every week, he has a new schedule. Some weeks, he can watch them on Tuesday night because he is traveling from Wednesday - Friday. Some weeks, he will watch them on Wednesday or Thursday. Each week, I have to ask him which night he will watch the kids.
If I happen to need a night that he is traveling, I pay a babysitter to watch my girls.
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The ex-husband lives with his brother. I arranged this when I asked him to leave the marriage initially. The ex says he would like his own place eventually. He has never lived on his own. His brother is a bachelor who has no children.
They live like kings over there.
There is a TV in every room. My ex is a fabulous cook. My ex-brother-in-law basically has a personal chef that prepares a gourmet dinner every night (save those nights the ex is traveling). They eat steaks and seafood and drink martinis and wine while basking in their sports on every television.
Every Sunday that he has the children, he still offers me whatever they made for dinner that night when I go to pick them up.
This past weekend was baby back ribs, homemade potato salad, corn on the cob and Bourbon Peach Cobbler made in an iron skillet. Yum.
When the girls stay over there, the ex can still get up and go for a run or go to the store or do whatever errand he has to do. He can leave the kids at home because there is someone else there.
My ex-brother-in-law loves my children but has a very low tolerance of them. They also live 30 minutes away from our house.
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When I ask my ex-husband to watch the kids, above and beyond what he normally does, he volunteers readily.
Then I find out that it is his mother that actually watches the children while he goes out or enjoys a nice quiet evening at home.
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When the ex has the children on his "one night a week", he will pick them up from school, take them to dinner and then hang out at my house. Since their school is 2 miles from my house, he gets them bathed and to bed here. He's out and heading home by 9:30 at the very latest.
When my kids are around me, they are glued to my side.
In other words, even though the ex is here, he is currently sitting on the couch reading a book. Meanwhile, my children are right here next to me, asking me questions or talking to me while I try to write my blog.
And if I'm making a correct assumption here, that would mean that it is not a night off for me. Unless I stay away from my own house.
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Our divorce papers state specifically that the ex will take the children for one month each summer.
He was flabbergasted when I reminded him of that.
He doesn't think it is possible for him to watch the kids for a month. He actually asks me, "What would I do with them?" Or, "I don't think my brother can handle an entire month with them."
So when I have my surgery in 3 weeks, I have to ask my network of friends and family to assist me with my children while I recover. The ex can only watch them for one week.
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I am a very lucky girl, in the grand scheme of things. I have bragged about my wonderful co-parenting relationship with the ex over and over again. Truly, I know there is not much to complain about.
But...
*sigh*
Sometimes, it seems like his version of single parenthood looks a lot easier than mine.
Amen! Isn't that the truth! :) I could go on and on. Wait. I won't. :) It sucks the energy right out of me.
ReplyDeleteI'll see what I can arrange for one of those weekends during your post surgery! Got your e-mail today!
Big love....
I have learned that that network of friends will always come through and make all things better. I wish the men would take some of that responsibility more seriously. I am the one who currently has my daughter and grandson for a month or so. Don't get me wrong she is welcome 24/7, but her friends are there and I am in the middle of nowhere.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. I dunno.
ReplyDeleteMy parents divorced when I was 7, and I spent every single weekend with my dad. But thank God it wasn't more than that! not for lack of love for him, but he seriously wouldn't have known what to do with me and my brother!!!!
But regardless of what their divorce agreement said, there are "roles" that each parent assumes that can't be dictated by law. My mom was THE nurturer, the homemaker, the cook, the ever-present loving presence, the teacher, and also the disciplinarian. That's just what she had to be. My dad got to be the FUN weekend parent, no rules, just fun. That's just what he had to be.
I feel truly lucky in that my co-parenting relationship with my ex really IS "CO-parenting". We have a 50-50 relationship, and he wouldn't have it any other way. And while this gets in the way when it comes to something like me wanting to make plans to...oh...let's say move to another city 3 hours away...I know that having a strong bond with their dad is good for my girls.
ReplyDeleteIt reads that way to. But you, as the grafting parent, the more reliable one, will benefit in the longer term. I am sure.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't SEEM that way, T. It IS that way! I'm sure it was very similar when you were married to him as well, if you think about it. It's that way for me too, darlin. I hear ya 100%!
ReplyDeleteHis version of single parenthood IS a lot easier than yours. I can see how you could resent that once in a while. But yes, you do have it pretty good. It's all relative but I'd trade your ex for mine any day of the week!
ReplyDeleteMindy's comment cracks me up: "I'd trade your ex for mine any day of the week!"
ReplyDeleteT, I appreciate hearing the "whole" picture, which I didn't know. I honestly thought he was the perfect co-parent. Thanks for letting us see more of the truth.
I continue to be amazed about how often our blog themes overlap, by accident... I'm trying to write about my ex, too, today, as you know. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Oh, I feel your pain. My ex lost his job recently and had to take one that has him traveling and only home maybe four days each month. I felt bad for him and then found out AFTER July 4 that he was home all weekend, could have seen his son, and didn't even try. Grrr. Which reminded me that he left for several months after our divorce. What it is about certain men that makes them put themselves over their kids? Bah!
ReplyDeleteWow, on his night with the kids he's over at your house? Could that change? I guess that would be harder since they live 30 minutes away, esp. if your girls had to be at school the next morning, but it's still totally doable. Otherwise, I suggest leaving the house (even though it's your house...I know, I know) to force him to parent on his own.
ReplyDeleteI travel twice a year for work for a full week. I tell my ex that he has to take our son for the full week. He always gets this panicked look on his face...but he does it.
Our schedule changes a lot when something comes up for him. Normally he has B on Tues night and then Fri night - Sat aft, but he goes thru these spells where he wants to flip flop it all around to be able to do what he wants...and I usually say yes. I really enjoyed reading this because I don't get to hear much about other people's scheduling arrangements.
Good luck with your surgery, by the way! Wish your ex would step up and parent those weeks that you cannot.