Monday, September 14, 2009
Don't know nothin' bout me
I can generally follow my Four Agreements and 'not take things personally' but... grrr...
This is bugging me. Maybe if I write it all out, I may not even have to publish it. Then again, I've not hidden any emotion from this blog. This is my blog and I am learning, for the first time in my life, to allow and accept my emotions - whatever they are.
On that note...
I had a few comments on my post about envy that have stuck with me.
Anonymous said that I was projecting my "past unhappiness at being single" onto my co-workers.
My co-workers aren't single and I wasn't unhappy as a single person. I was mourning the loss of my relationship. I also wasn't unhappy as a married person. I was crazy in love with my husband for the 4 years we dated and the 13 years of my marriage. That last year sucked ass but other than that, I was a happy happy girl.
Projecting? Maybe. That's what we all do. Assuming? Yeah, most likely.
Anonymous also suggested that I was being "elitist" because of my assumption that perhaps my co-workers were envious.
Elitist. Really? In the post I asked if they were envious. And then I went on to explain how I had been envious in the past.
Another commenter (who I would like to offer kudos to because she used her name) agreed with anonymous stating that "newly coupled people tend to think what they have is the greatest thing ever and want to share every detail of their perfect bliss. and those who aren't as enthusiastic are jealous and miserable."
I'm not sure that I would go that far that I assume that a less than enthusiastic response equals jealousy and misery. Maybe the post came off like that? Others had suggested that was why my co-workers responded the way they did and I only wanted to relate to it in the post.
The other commenter also suggested that perhaps I leave it at "He's a great guy. I'm very happy." Now that is great advice. Thank you.
Still... can I ask: what is so wrong about a newly coupled person wanting to gush about their happiness?
I can understand that some of the sweetness could give you cavities so I get the playful, "I just threw up in my mouth a lil bit."
That shit is funny.
I also realize that some people would rather watch a train wreck than the sunrise.
I'm just not built that way. Call me a helpless/hopeless romantic.
There really is no need for me to defend what I've written. I am writing my feelings from my perspective.
I will not convince a soul to see things from my perspective. Maybe I can come off as preachy sometimes, but it is not my intention to do that. What many may not realize is that I'm preaching to myself. We all teach what we need to learn.
I do my best to try to see things from many perspectives so I actually do take these comments to heart. I do look at myself and wonder if I came off that way. Of course I am not perfect. I am only me. Many times, these comments will turn things around in my head and I learn something else about myself.
I'm not sure why these comments have me a little off today. Perhaps it was my dream last night. But for some reason, I've noticed something....
I remember being in my funk. And I remember that funk lasting for a very long time. And I remember thinking that I needed to put on a happy face for those of you who come here. I felt bad that I was sad.
I also remember worrying that if I was actually happy in a relationship again, that would turn many of you away as well.
I also remember thinking how ridiculous both of those thoughts were.
I didn't start this blog as a sad, lonely single woman's blog. I haven't been a sad shell of a person until a man walked into my life.
I began this blog while all sappy and in love with my soldier. This blog is a document to the roller coaster of not only being single and a mom, but also supporting a man I loved through a war in Iraq. This blog has been a journey through all that I learned about myself through that relationship and others. This blog has chronicled ALL of my UPS and DOWNS of the past 2 years.
I can't worry that if I'm too sad or too happy that some of you will tire of reading my words.
I can't worry that if I want to record an amazing sexual experience that some of you will judge me.
I can't worry that the way I raise my children may be different than how others raise theirs.
I can't worry that if I choose to do something to my physical appearance that people will scoff and roll their eyes at me.
I do worry though. I've realized, however, that many of these comments or perceived judgments are coming from those of you who are reading only one post. Or perhaps a month or 3 months of posts.
YOU DO NOT KNOW ME.
Unless you've read every single post from the nearly two years of blogging, you cannot assume anything about me. Even with that, you may not know me in real life. My history. My family. My personality.
For the first time in a very long time, I am falling in love again. I want to SHARE that. I want to detail these happy moments. I want to gush and smile and be mushy.
I have always been that way. Be it 4 months into a relationship or 1 year or 12 years.
This is MY space. If it bothers you so much, if you absolutely can't take it, then this isn't the blog for you. If you must leave a comment (and all are taken seriously) please use your name so that I can go to your blog and learn more about you.
I am fair here. I am exposing myself and yes, I realize that leaves me open to criticism. Most bloggers have opinions and some are different from my own. I get it. Help me to understand your point of view. I want to see where you're coming from.
And if you knew me, you'd know that already.