Monday, September 7, 2009

Honesty? Honestly?!

Gentleman Jack and I are honest with each other almost to a fault.

Sometimes, the things we say are not comfortable for the other person to hear. Usually one or the other of us feels hurt or discomfort but we have to share that feeling too. There have been times that I'm crying or he's upset but we talk through it and feel closer after.

Sometimes these are VERY long, emotionally exhausting phone calls.

Sometimes, I can feel my brain saying, "This is HARD!! I don't want to do this anymore! I want to hang up now!"

But we keep on until its resolved.

I like honesty. I usually tell men I'm dating,

"You can tell me anything as long as you're honest with me."

However some of these things are NOT fun to hear. Some of these things stay in my head for a while and I have to come down from them.

If I feel that way then surely he does too, right?

Is there such a thing as too much honesty?

15 comments:

  1. I am not sure, Casey and I were having that exact coversation can we be to honest with each other.

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  2. I don't know. You have to be very careful with honesty. It can lead to resentment and other ugly stuff.

    Still trying to figure that one out...

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  3. I think there's a fine line to be drawn there when it comes to honesty. I'm all for honesty, but to tell the truth, there are things about CBG that frankly, I don't WANT to know...things that aren't relevant to our relationship and that aren't a part of who he is as I know him now. I'm sure that similarly, there are things about me that he doesn't want to know either...and I think that that's okay within the context of a relationship.

    The truth can be used as a weapon in a relationship when people get hurt, so I think that it's important to be extremely careful with it.

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  4. Maybe it is like MS said honesty within the context of the relationship. I think you have to have the persons eyes you can look into and know that they are not hiding the important stuff from you. I am not sure there is too much honesty. It hurts sometimes but has to be better than a lie or a covered up truth?

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  5. Honesty is good but you must add 2x the tact, and don’t ever ask anything you don’t want to know the answer.

    My husband and I, now, have the same type of relationship. Our relationship has problems, but we figure the only way to work them out is to be honest...REALLY honest. We tell each other how it is - bottom line. So, when I ask him how he rates my body and he says "7" - it hurts like hell, but I know that I ASKED (that may fall in the category of not asking)! A counselor once told me that the #1 rule in a relationship is to "censor.” We did that for 4 years and it has led to a significant downturn in our relationship.

    There are some things that just hurt, but at least I know where he stands. He's not pretending to be anything other than real. So, IMO - honesty is good, the way it’s delivered makes a difference, and it only works if there is the freedom to talk through the hurt feelings that result (there were many about the “7” body rating!).

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  6. Yes. Mr. V has been very honest about some things that I have been a bit stunned to find hurtful (sexual fantasies I can't fulfill, issues with past girlfriends, etc.). I'm glad he's upfront but... Yeah, it's a fine line.

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  7. I think when you don't have the honesty....you come to value the importance of it. I don't have it and he is not willing to still be honest after I know the truth!!

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  8. No, but if you're telling someone something with an"agenda" — not in the interest of honest disclosure but for a reaction — then you might want to look into that.

    Honesty often means discomfort. Then it's up to the uncomfortable one to figure out what to do about it.

    Still, I'd always chose honesty; wouldn't you?

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  9. First of all, I am very envious of the communication that you two have. I would give anything to have a long heart to heart with my husband.
    Second, I agree with you, I can get over the hurt from honesty, but I can't get over the hurt from a lie or being mislead.

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  10. I prefer honesty in all situations - aside from honesty with an agenda, aka; manipulation.

    I also try to keep in mind that one person's truth doesn't always equal THE truth.

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  11. I have to go with the ever so wise Mindy here ... one person's reality (honesty) is another person's tale, ya know? It's hard, and yes, a fine line.

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  12. Good question, indeed. I do my best to be totally honest, too. Sometimes, I fear that I'm TOO open.

    Tone of voice makes a big difference. As does body language. Yes?

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  13. I think we all enter into relationships for various reasons, whether those relationships are dating, loving, friends, whatever. If you feel compelled to have exhausing phone calls, then you're probably working through issues you need/want to work through. Is it healthy to date that person? Who knows. Is going through these long honest conversations exactly what you need right now? Perhaps...

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  14. Yeah, there is such a thing as too much honesty.

    Like him telling you about all of his past sexual partners.

    If you are feeling fat and you ask him how your jeans look on you.

    If he cheated in his past relationships. How can this possibly be good if you are in love with him and don't want to even think of leaving him ?

    Honesty is a good thing, but the question you have to ask is........ what will you do when you get an answer you're not prepared for ? What if you can't handle the answer ?

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  15. Oy. This is a delicate one. The Man and I struggle with this one. I prefer honesty, but I've learned that there are some things I don't want to know; things I don't NEED to know. Echoing what Momma Sunshine said, there are things that have zero relevance to our relationship, but would be hurtful to hear. Why go there?

    BUT, if the hurtful/uncomfortable information has some bearing on our relationship, then absolutely let's get it out in the open and deal with it... as gently as possible.

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