Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Pawning off the kids for a sexcapade

Last week an anonymous commenter responded to my erotic post with the following:

"Most married women don't get to pawn off their kids every other week for their sexcapades, trust me."

In response, many of you questioned this commenter wondering if it was only married people without children who should be allowed to have sex.


Unfortunately, many people do believe this and to that I say, to each their own. Perhaps this isn't the blog you should be reading.

To me, the tone of that comment sounded like someone who longs for a "sexcapade" with their spouse.

If I learned anything in 13 years of marriage, it is this:

We all tend to lose ourselves in it.


I honestly feel like I spent a majority of my marriage begging for my husband to spend quality time with me or to have sex with me. I even wrote about husbands and sex after marriage earlier this year.

Marriage is tough. Frequently married couples start to act like roommates instead of spouses. Then you add in the stress of finances, household upkeep, children... it is very soon that things begin to slip by the wayside. And one of those things is sex.

I wanted to be one of those couples who had a date night every week. I wanted to be one of those couples who still flirted with each other in front of our children. I wanted to be one of those couples who, once the kids were in bed, would, at the very least, snuggle up together and talk at the end of the night. Maybe we could even spice up our sex life with every passing year.


It didn't happen, despite my intentions.

With every day without intimacy, our communication wavered. We both became complacent and then resentful and then.... we didn't know each other anymore.


So, anonymous commenter, whomever you are, I mean absolutely no disrespect when I offer you this unsolicited advice:

Find someone you can "pawn the kids off to" once a week or so. Have yourself a "sexcapade" with your spouse. Rebuild that intimacy that it sounds like you long for.

It may be the best thing you could do for yourself and your marriage.


  1. Thanks. You captured my situation. Nice advice, we'll work on it.

  2. After 16 yrs of marriage, Veronica and I still make it a point to have a "just us" date at least once a month. And we excel at flirting in front of the kids and embarrassing them :-)

    Sometimes people forget that maintain a marriage is work. We try to act like we're still courting one another.

  3. One of the problems in my marriage, that led to the end was the fact that my ex and I forgot to remember that we were husband and wife, first, above all else. We became so wrapped up in our roles as "mommy and daddy" that everything else - including physical intimacy - came last.

    It's important to remember that relationships require work in order to remain healthy and functional.

  4. Good Post, Casey and I are working on reconnecting in the sex dept. The little intimacies we got down it is just getting our groove back is taking some time.

  5. I think this is one of the things about being single you learn and becomes part of your life ultimately - pawning off your kids!

    You CANT do it all yourself all the time so you HAVE to find help - if you lucky you have every second weekend and if not you find friends and family to help out!

    But you learn the value of ALONE time without kids - be it for sexcapades or simple sleeping in late one morning!

  6. Could not agree more, coming out of a marriage that had no intimacy and was almost sexless, being single now makes me see how much the physical connection between couples needs to be treasured and always worked on.

  7. T - I admire you for your frankness with sex, but do you ever worry about your girls reading about your intimate moments when they get older?

  8. You have to have time for yourselves. I mean you hire a babysitter to go a movie, or on a date, or a wedding.....Then why not for sex???!!!!

    Let me tell you the roommate thing is not fun with your spouse. It's lonely.

    Rock on T

  9. And here I just thought Anonymous was a judgmental jerk. :) Maybe I was wrong.

    You've a kind heart, T.

  10. HA HA! That cracks me up. My exhusband used to say, IN COURT when we were going through our divorce, "I BABYSIT THE KIDS WHILE YOU HAVE A VACATION EVERY OTHER WEEKEND!". This is when my girls were both very young, age 2 and 4 and I was taking care of them 24-7, alone, with no money and no home. My lawyer stood up and yelled, "WELL SHE DESERVES IT!" and the judge nodded her head in agreement. It was classic. At any rate, years later now, J and I joke around about when the girls go with their dad, we can sleep naked and have sex all day every day until they come home, in all areas of the house. Aint life grand? There are some upsides to being divorced like that, ya know?"

  11. As always, thank you to everyone for your wonderful comments. It sounds like I am not the only one who agrees that sex and intimacy is one of those things that holds a marriage/relatoinship together, like trust and communication.

    But to answer Anon's question of "do you ever worry about your girls reading about your intimate moments when they get older?"...

    The answer is NO.

    My entire family knows about this blog. They know what a sexual person I am. My mother skips over the erotica. :)

    And I would fully expect that my children will be reading things much worse than Mommy's sensuality when they get older. Besides, I want my girls to be just as comfortable in their bodies as well. Sexuality, in a relationship, should be celebrated not shameful.

    Just my .02.

  12. Amen sister! I think that everyone can find the time if they try. You have to make an effort and unfortunatly I know this all to well right now.

  13. Very well said, T and all so true.

    You said this about marriage;

    "We all tend to lose ourselves in it."

    I think what you described has happened to many of us.

    And after divorce we go through a process of finding what we lost; finding OURSELVES again, which includes the sexuality and intimacy we all crave but may have repressed in our marriage for all the reasons you stated.

    I agree that there is nothing to be ashamed of here if and when your daughters should ever read your blog.

  14. Great post. I completely agree that a happy sex life *should* be a healthy part of a balanced marriage! :)

  15. A very "T" post, love it: so empathetic and understanding. Good for you.

    I also appreciated how you answered the question re: your girls reading your posts someday. I get asked that a lot about my book and respond the same way: "Sexuality, in a relationship, should be celebrated not shameful."

  16. There's always a way to pawn off the kids so you can run off and have sex. Anyone not doing that is in denial. Whethere you're married or a single parent. Come on! Grandparents, aunts/uncles, neighbors for sleepovers. Get out there and get laid. It's good for you, people.

  17. The BF and I have to remember this after 3 years together and we're only 30, not married, no kids! It can be tough.

    I'm down with the "my kids will read much worse" thing. I was reading novels with graphic sex in them by the time I was 10. My mom knew all about it, and just said, "Censorship is for people who are afraid they haven't raised their children well. I trust you, and I trust the job I've done with you."

  18. It's so true. After 2 years marriage becomes work. Not saying that's a bad thing. All good things come from work. Coasting just goes downhill. I think people just think it should happen and it doesn't. Great post.

  19. SO true! There were a million reasons it didn't work with The Ex and I, but a big one was the whole roommate thing.

    Also, I love this from Homey: "Censorship is for people who are afraid they haven't raised their children well." I try to be very open with my son, but there are times I'm tempted to censor. I have to remind myself that he's a smart kid, that I've taught him well, and that he can handle it.

  20. Beautiful post, T, and wonderful discussion. Intimacy sounds easy, but we know it isn't.

    I took some heat (some of it privately) a few weeks back, for my handling of sexual issues (condom post) with my teen sons. Awareness of a parent's sexuality can be positive without it being "in-your-face" for the kids.

    Awareness and privacy are not mutually exclusive.

    Likewise, I think raising our sons and daughters to know the joy in their own burgeoning sexuality is a matter of responsibility, attentiveness to the age and maturity of our kids, and a matter of building a foundation upon which they can live their lives more freely, more naturally, and more fully than some of us were able to do in younger years.

    Brava for being proud of every bit of what you write, and open enough for your family to read - now or in the future. We don't all have that kind of family, but I admire you tremendously for that.

    Teens pose particularly touchy issues, I will say. They're easily embarrassed and you have to tread lightly, respecting their boundaries. That said, we all pass through that, and as adults, appreciate our parents for the more complete selves we are able to see. And the legacies they leave us.

    Most of us - if we're fortunate - created our children out of making love. Shouldn't we want them to know that making love is a good and natural part of life?

  21. What a wonderful post. = ) I have only commented a few times but I love your blog.

    I am married but I find a lot of value in your posts because each topic helps me look at myself as an individual - rather than having my identity completely defined as "married" and/or "mom." This is something I forgot early on in my marriage, and now I’m trying to go back and reestablish myself as an individual without dissolving my relationship.

    Keeping the intimacy on the forefront is so important. I still remember the moment my husband turned to me and said “You feel like my roommate.” We still do that sometimes, but it goes along with your post about honesty. Being able to admit that feeling to one another is an important piece that without trust and intimacy, aspects of a relationship that go hand and hand, we are unable to do.

    Again, Great post - very graceful, honest, and wise.


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