Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Foundation cracks and settling

"I am not one of those who dates for the sake of dating."

I have said that through my entire dating life. If we don't *click*, if there isn't a *connection*, then we simply will not date anymore. Generally, its a gradual fade because both people can tell that the chemistry just isn't there.

What I've found, therefore, is that when there *is* a connection, I will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

  • Let's talk about it.
  • Let's figure out where we're going.
  • Let's work through our issues.
  • Let us bond to one another to get through times, good and bad.

Isn't that what you're supposed to do?


I ask that question because I read the blogs of other single people. I read blogs of people who will dump the guy or girl, despite the connection, because that person doesn't fit their idea of who they thought they should be with. I hear stories about people who find a partner that seems wonderful but this partner or situation isn't as ideal as they'd prefer.

I hear all the time, especially from divorced men and women, that they shouldn't have to "settle."

At this point in my life, every single one of us has some sort of baggage or past fears. I do believe that a big deciding factor is how the aforementioned baggage is carried. None of us is without our cracks.

What happens, however, if you get far enough in to build a foundation with someone and find those cracks? Are you supposed to call the whole thing off because of a tiny crack or two?

I also don't know if I could end things with someone because the entire package or situation isn't perfect.

Does that mean that I'm settling?

Because if that's the case, then I've "settled" with every relationship I've had thus far. OK, no, maybe those relationships didn't last but they fit me just fine AT THE TIME.

I mean, when I feel a connection, I am CONNECTED. I feel that there is a chance of a future and I want to get to that place. TOGETHER.

As long as the other person is willing to work for that, then you should work on it, right?

At what point do you say, "we are not made for each other" versus "let's work through this and continue on a path together"?


  1. There is a great episode of Sex and the City on this very subject.

    Personally, I think that we all have things that we can't/won't compromise on (so, for me, being vegetarian or having cats) and things that don't mesh with "my idea" of who I'd be with but that I can deal with (for me, the fact that Jake owns a gun).

    I think that you just have to know what your dealbreakers are, and that having more than, say, 5 is unreasonable. Then take it from there!

  2. For me, that time is now. We both keep saying, lets work on this, lets keep trying, and then *nothing*
    I have since realized that we got together when neither of us were truly healthy or ok with ourselves, so the connection that we once felt was not real. We don't have the core beliefs to make forever happen.
    It is hard, sad and unfortunately the end.

  3. Well, I think you need to figure out what your 'oh hell no's (or dealbreakers) are. I also think that making a list of the pro's and con's is helpful. But honestly, when it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes I just STOP THINKING, and just BE, and let the situation grow on me. Ya know?
    I'm not very helpful, am I? Sheesh.

  4. Oh man T! We having one of our moments!

    THIS is why Plane Boy ended things the first time and its also why we got back together!

    I didnt fit his picture perfectly and he didnt fit mine! BUT now we accept that and its AWESOME!


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