As an admirer of women, I immediately fell in love with this photo. These are the new "plus size" models as featured in Glamour magazine. Each of the women in the above photograph wears anywhere from a size 12 to a size 16.... and they're all GORGEOUS.
Over the weekend, while fall cleaning, I found my size 14 shorts. As I held them up to me, Rose commented, "Mommy, did you wear those when you were pregnant?"
Heh. No. I actually wore them when I wasn't pregnant.
Often, when people remark about my current weight, I find myself defending that I'm thin. No one, even my children, can imagine me as heavy as I was.
But yes. I was.
Very much so.
Why do I defend?
I don't know really. Its not like I deserve any kind of medal for losing weight when people are trying to do it all the time. I guess I want to share my story and relate to the struggle in some way. I want to let people know that I worked hard to get to this place.
And no, I can't lie. I did feel blessed when I was measured at the gym last week. I'm 5'5", 124 lbs and have 16% body fat.
When the trainer told me, quite frankly, I was downright giddy. I am excited to see my workouts and eating habits leading to a healthy, fit body.
The trainer at the gym pulled up my previous assessment from 2005 when I was 15 lbs heavier. Prior to 2005, I was even 35 lbs heavier, coming down from a pregnancy where I had gestational diabetes and my cholesterol was too high.
At my last physical, a few months ago, I was told that my blood screen numbers were amazing. I now know being thinner is healthier for me.
(It was Weight Watchers that taught me how to eat better (moderation & more often).)
Though it is painful to look at these photos of me, I also remember that men found me attractive. Though my weight was not healthy for me, I still felt sexy and carried myself in a confident, flirtatious way.
It was when I was around others who look like I do now, that I also remember hopelessness and despair. Perhaps I am still projecting that on those who comment about my current weight.
Comparing is NEVER a good thing.
I guess I need to look at these old photos differently and not judge myself. I mean, if anything, the women in the above photo prove that curves are beautiful. I guess I just wondered sometimes if they looked beautiful on me.
Now, I am athletic and thin but I am still a naturally curvy girl. My guy friends joke that I swish the air around with my hips and ass when I walk by. I like having full breasts.
And I like seeing curvy women too.
Some of these girls were former "regular" models who starved themselves to stay thin. There was this model who claims she was recently fired for being fat. (No effin way! Yep. Way.)
Hey, if you're not built that way, don't freakin' force it.
Be what keeps you healthy and makes you feel good.
I know from experience that there are men that like curves and soft flesh. I know there are men that feel a woman is more feminine when she's not bony. I say HOORAY for Glamour and Dove for recognizing that curves are sexy.
(Dove is also campaigning that growing older is beautiful too. And they now have self-esteem workshops for young girls. I think someone should do this for boys too.)
Maybe the new acceptance of curves will help me to look at those old photos and smile. Maybe I can, instead, learn to accept myself for what I looked like then.
And stop defending what I look like now.