Thursday, October 29, 2009

Learning to love my ugly



After writing the tear-laden post last night, Gentleman Jack called, as he normally does.

I was feeling better, after venting all of those ugly feelings, and he was in a very good mood. He was sharing his thoughts about a member of his family and how thankful he was to have me in his life. Again, he reminded me how much of a positive influence I am.

I started bawling.

I confessed everything I wrote in yesterday's post. How could I let him go on about my strength and beauty when I felt so ugly?

"I knew something was wrong!" (Grrr... he always knows. I can't hide from him!)

Then he soothed me, "Baby, you are human. Nobody expects you to be strong all the time. My mind makes up shit about you too when I don't hear from you! Its normal that doubt will creep in. The difference is that I make an ass out of myself by asking you questions about it. Even though I know everything is all right, hearing you say it makes it all better."

Funny. He sees himself as an ass when I think its amazing that he can be so open.

So... maybe its not so ugly after all? As Love Coach Rinatta reminded me in yesterday's comments, I need to look at those fears and soothe the little girl that's throwing the tantrum instead of getting in her face and calling her ugly. How can expect him to love those parts of myself if I don't? And how can I ever fully love him if I don't fully love me?

I also realized that if I hide those fears from him, then I am shutting him out and I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt him that way. He deserves more of me with every day that he gives so much to me. Part of what keeps us so close is that we share so much of ourselves with each other.

Mutual vulnerability creates intimacy.


"I can't say that I won't get defensive if you're doing that," he confessed, "Because, I am human too. I'm not perfect. But baby, we always talk through it. We always get past it. That honesty and communication is what makes our relationship so amazing! We can get through anything as long as we keep doing that."

I can barely type that without the tears welling up again. Damn I love that man. Seriously... he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best."
~ Marilyn Monroe

And he deserves the best of me because he handles my worst so well.


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Thank you all for stepping up in the comments to that last post. What an insightful group you are! You all teach me so much.

Mostly, you teach me that I am not alone and that speaks volumes! Thank you for helping me to heal.

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Happy Halloween!







Some of my fave Halloween couples...

5 comments:

  1. I thought yesterday's entry was fantastic. It was very, very honest.

    I believe that Besos is a lot like how you described yourself - I often find myself telling her, "Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling...and not necessarily how things really are."

    She read yesterday's entry and said she understood why I sent it to her. And I am reading today's entry and I understand how it applies to me. I think Rascal is doing a fine job of calming you and I should take a page from his book.

    Thank you, from us.
    -R.

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  2. I love the MM quote and use it often. You are a beautiful person, T - even in your vulnerability. I'm glad that Rascal sees that too. We should all be so lucky to have a man like that in our lives cuz I think we can all relate to having those feelings sometimes.

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  3. What I find funny is how Rascal see's himself as an ass and we as women see ourselves as ugly. I guess we aren't so different after all if we are honest.
    That thought kinda helps me.

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  4. Relationships bring up a lot of emotions, good and bad. They are a great way to help us take a good hard look at ourselves. Sounds like yours is a good one. Good for you to have so many awarenesses!

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  5. Showing my vulnerability is my least favorite thing to do. Ok...I basically never do it. I'm happy that you put yourself out there like that. I know how hard it was. The fact that it turned out good for you, makes me think mayb, just maybe, I can do it more. Maybe.

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