Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Perfect imperfection

I didn't mean to exhaust everyone with my over-thinking from the past few days. Believe me... you couldn't have been as near exhausted as I was. Sheesh.

Even Gentleman Jack remarked, "You know this whole thing goes a lot better when you aren't thinking so much."

Heh.

I guess you all have figured out by now that this past weekend with Jack was less-than-perfect. But less-than-perfect doesn't mean "bad".

I need to remember that.

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Last week, I was in a weird place, physically and emotionally. Allergies were wearing me out and I was trying my damnedest to stay healthy.

Subconsciously and emotionally, I think I had declared this time of year as "breakup season". After all, I suffered a break up two years ago and then last year around this same time. Isn't it funny how we allow our memories to damage the perfection of now?

Because of that, I was also worried about spending the weekend with Jack and my kids. My girls have met Jack before, however this was going to be much more quality time. I was feeling very gun shy.

*What if??? What if??*

Yeah. You get the idea.

Friday night was especially difficult for us. We'd been physically apart for 3 weeks - weeks that felt like torture for me. I'm not sure I could handle more than that length of time apart. I missed him more than I expected.

He had resigned himself to the time apart and was handling it better than I was. I read into his resignation. He read into my weakness...

*What if??? What if??*

He sat in Dallas' Friday 5 o'clock traffic (a.k.a. "hell") for a while growing more and more impatient that he couldn't get to me. Then he could sense my emotional unrest (darn him for being so clued into me!) and thought that I was less-than-happy to see him.

We reacted to each other. We were both snippy and irate and couldn't connect.... though we tried. My goodness did we try!! Over and over again til we were both spent.

Thankfully, Saturday morning brought a clearer mind and a sunshiny day. We picked up the kids from my friend Gem's place and set about our day. After a pumpkin patch and a movie, my Gentleman began admitting that he too was feeling physically unwell. We spent the rest of the day at the house, me babying him and the girls putting on a karaoke show for us.

The next morning, we enjoyed a restaurant breakfast before he headed out of town. He was still not 100% well. The drive through pouring rain and a few more nasty traffic jams had him burning up my phone with irritated texts.

I felt bad. Maybe he didn't enjoy coming to see me this time. Maybe this is it.

*sigh*

*What if??? What if??*

That Sunday night on the phone, he could hear the fear in my voice. I didn't want to talk about it but as usual, he insisted.

"Are you worried," he asked, "because we didn't have a perfect weekend? All of our weekends have been perfect so far, baby. We're allowed to have one that isn't."

But me? I can't stand it. I get fatalistic. I feel as if I've disappointed. I worry that it is surely the beginning of the end.

GJ responded, "Not me! Perfect makes me nervous. It is in the imperfect times that you really see the strengths or weaknesses. That's when you get all of the answers you are looking for."

God help me, I love that man for all that he is teaching me.
 

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And your comments on this post have helped so much! Thank you for inspiring me with your comments and your posts!


Enjoying the Precious Moments

Almost Love

Mr Man

The Woo Factor

Life of Imagined Misfortune

11 comments:

  1. How true, perfect is dangerous, perfect needs a few niggles.

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  2. "Ben Friday" is definitely a keeper. I struggle, too, with the less than perfect days. However, in the grand scheme of things a less than perfect day with J is better than all the "perfect" days out there. :) Big love....

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  3. T, I know exactly where you're coming from (especially since my last weekend with CBG had us both suffering from a nasty case of strep throat).

    Because we only get to see them such a small amount of time, we put a lot of pressure on those weekends to be "perfect". But think about a "normal" relationship (i.e. one that isn't long distance). There are plenty of moments of imperfection. We all have bad days. We all feel crappy from time to time. That doesn't make your relationship any less wonderful - it simply makes is more REAL.

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  4. Perfect makes me nervous! I love that and think it is so true. Life is not perfect, so if you don't have some bads here and there, it is not real.
    You have got a good thing going here T. Enjoy!

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  5. Rascal sounds well grounded in appreciating the perfection of imperfection. Remember you want this to be real, you want to be able to take off the rose colored glasses and see everything there is to see.

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  6. Plane Boy and I had an imperfect moment two nights ago - it was horrible for me! I couldnt freaking breathe! I was CONVINCED that this was it - that he would walk away!

    What did he do? He asked me if he could stay over! So HA! for me!

    Guys do seem to actually deal with these imperfect moments alot better than we do!

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  7. "Perfect imperfection." Love this. More than true that the times of relative tumult or imperfection are the most revealing and instructive.

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  8. Dude. Perfect Imperfection is awesome. I may have to steal that, and then not give you credit for it because apparently, that's how I roll. ;)

    On a serious note, who would you be if you didn't think so much T? You are who you are, and I think that Rascal loves you for that.

    *MUAH*

    QT

    PS - Having a martini or two does help for relaxation, just so you know.

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  9. Be happy and grateful Rascal's in your life, and enjoy your time with him. Worries and fears often don't manifest. They're just noisy distractions that cut us off from spirit.

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  10. T,
    Your posts seem to always hit me on a day that I am going through the same thing. I don't comment often but learn so much from your posts and your commenters. I really can't add much more than everyone has already said. But I do love how Rascal is so in tune to you and the perfect comment..so true.

    It's so hard not to overthink T, it really is. My mind sometimes is my own worse enemy. :)

    You and Rascal share something very special.

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  11. "I read into his resignation. He read into my weakness..."

    This comment explains probably 90% of the disagreements I have with my boyfriend. Even though not long distance, our schedule often makes it feel like it is. Next time, I will remember that phrase...we are both reading into things.

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