Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Affair, part 1

This is the first of a 10 part series about the affair I had during my marriage. I realize that this might be uncomfortable for many to read. Perhaps you've been through this experience but from the other vantage point.

I have, unfortunately, seen infidelity from all sides and many different angles.

I feel the need to process this. It is painful but I learned much from it.

Perhaps it will educate someone on what its like to be the "other woman". Perhaps it will convince someone to think twice before having an affair. Perhaps I will turn many of you away.

Perhaps this is something I shouldn't even publish for fear that my daughters may read it one day.

I can't think about all of that. I simply know that I must write this. I must clear this...

Many of the details are foggy now but I do remember time in moments.

June 1996:

I was in my last year of college working towards a degree in Information Technology. My professors were impressed by my straight A average and suggested that I apply for a scholarship at a very large IT consulting corporation. If I won the scholarship, I'd be eligible for a paid internship as well.

I won - both the scholarship and the job.

My first day, after meeting with my new boss, he told me that he was assigning a man, we'll call him K, to be my mentor.

As we walked the aisle of cubicles meeting my other co-workers, they all began teasing me about this man K. They had me frightened that he was this mean, horrible person. His was the last cubicle in the row. I was shaking.

He turned and greeted me with the warmest, most friendliest smile I've ever seen on another person. My heart leapt.

And that is how we became fast friends.


I have never met a human being as kind and enthusiastic about life.

His enthusiasm for his job left me inspired and full of energy at the end of every work day. We would go to lunch together, now and then, to learn more about each other. We both loved music. We could talk for hours about concerts and bands. He was fascinated that I was a singer. I was eager to learn more and more about the systems we supported. He was always happy to answer questions.

I watched as he treated everyone, every single person he encountered, with so much love, always a smile, a complete happy gentleman. I noticed girls swooning as he walked by. He practically glowed and everyone noticed it.

He was the resident expert at our job and he was training me to be an expert too. I relished the new knowledge and I relished the relationship with my new friend.


At home, life was good.

I was studying constantly when I wasn't working. I'd set a goal for myself to graduate cum laude and when I set goals, nothing gets in my way.

My husband and I were ecstatic about my new job and income. We were on our way! I only had a summer and fall semester of school left and I already had a wonderful job.

My husband traveled nearly every week with work leaving me to my own devices. I was busy though. So busy, in fact, that I was hardly a wife. He took care of the house. He cooked the meals. He took care of me.

I was settled into a marriage 3 1/2 years old and, though I wish we could have spent more time together, I felt happy and content.

to be continued....

Part 2


  1. I think getting this out and showing what you learned and how you've grown, is great.

  2. Well... it's probably not much of a surprise that this is in the same vein as my own confession. But wow. Great minds thinking alike?

    I'm feeling the same way about writing mine. Maybe I shouldn't, for a whole host of reasons. But I feel like I've gotta get it out there. I'll be lagging behind you a bit, because there's no time for real writing right now. But otherwise, I'm right there with you.

    Deep breaths.

  3. Nobody's perfect, Tonya. Trust me...we've all got skeletons in our closets.

    I'm certainly not one to throw stones nor will I ever judge someone based on past mistakes.

    Kudos to you for talking about this. It certainly won't chase me away from your blog.

  4. I'm so glad you are writing about this! =) My ex had an was very painful from my standpoint, but it was most painful because it was 1 of many.

    I will be very interested to hear this side and learn. =)

  5.'s good for you to get this out there. No judgement from over here...I know what it's like to be "the other woman" as well. Not something I'm proud of, but something that I have learned a great deal from...and has, in part, made me the person that I am today.

    I'll be eagerly reading all about this. Just remember to lean on your support systems as you work through all of this.

    *huge hugs*

  6. put it out there, then if you wanna be safe take it down. Goal accomplished and daughters safe!

  7. There is defintiely something cathartic in sharing our stories. Better yet if it can help someone who reads it. It takes strength and courage to admit mistakes and even more so to grow from them.

    I also know that people have all kinds of different reasons for having affairs and some have no regrets about the damage caused as long as they got what they wanted. Obviously that is not you.

  8. I too have been on both side of that coin. Unfortunately many times over. I really don't think I started learning from mistakes until my daughter was born. I have a lot of catching up to do.
    Good for you to get it off your chest. I personally am here for the long haul. No judgment. Just support.

  9. Yup, no judgment T. :) I am anxious to read more.

  10. I've been on both sides of an affair in my previous marriage. Definitely not the highlight of my life. Good for you for having the guts to talk about it. I support you.

  11. Been on both sides's easy to judge when you have no experience in feeling what those shoes feel like. No judgment here!

  12. And you know how to keep us hanging... waiting for he next installment.

    (And I doubt it keeps anyone away from reading your blog! Certainly not me.)

  13. No judgment here T. I completely agree with CBG, nobody's perfect.

    I support you, too.

  14. Ah, the suspense! I think you are brave to be writing this, but I applaud you for your bravery. It's your story and you have every right to tell it. And it is likely that you - and we - will learn something through this story.

    (As an aside, I think the understandable fear of what your daughters will read and learn someday is its own fascinating topic - I think all of us bloggers think about this - and should.)

  15. I've had girlfriends, post-divorce, date buddies of mine behind my back. Or should I say I've had buddies date girlfriends of mine behind my back. Either way you look at it, it sucks. I chased all those people out of my life. For that reason, I'm opting not to read this post of yours. Sorry. It won't chase me away from your blog. I just don't the energy in my life right now.


Thank you for leaving me some comment love!