Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Affair, part 3

Part 1
Part 2

1997:

My husband and I fell into a DINKS (dual income, no kids) routine. We luxuriated in our new status as middle income. We spoiled ourselves rotten.

I joined the gym at work and frequently worked out with K and/or his wife. He helped me with weight training and she helped me with running. I was soon working out 5 days a week (and not dropping an ounce of weight... grrr...).

We decided to remodel our home ourselves. Whew! That, in itself, is something that could divorce a couple! We fought our way through the summer, survived and were very happy in our like-new home.

I was fast becoming a star at work. I also enjoyed working with my co-workers and, as I worked with mostly men, I was enjoying the attention I was receiving. It was attention that I felt I wasn't receiving at home.

My husband was traveling all the time and his drinking became a larger sore spot for me. I began worrying about him more since my attention was no longer on completing school. There were many nights that I slept in the spare bedroom because I couldn't stand the smell of alcohol on his breath. I'd even left him a few times in attempts to convince him to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

I was never strong enough to stay away.

I loved him so badly that it hurt me. He kept much of his emotion to himself or else he drank it out. I wanted him to be healthy and strong so I did what I could to keep him that way, sometimes angering him in my quest to quell his drinking. He even began drinking in secret and keeping other things, like money issues, secretive as well. He did not like confrontation.

I attempted to overlook the drinking as best as I could, though the trust was gone. I felt I owed him for supporting me through college. I would have done anything for him. I wanted to keep him alive. It felt like my duty as his wife to do so.

He was a good man with a flaw that I could not understand.

---

December 1997:

I only point this out because, well, it seemed like a turning point in my marriage.


We were to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. I was excited to reach that point. 5 years was a huge deal to me - especially considering that I'd left him a few times already due to his drinking.

I'd planned out a week's worth of surprises to be delivered to my husband's office. I couldn't wait for that weekend to celebrate with him.

To my disappointment, he acted as if the entire event was an afterthought. I believe we decided to go to dinner that night. Other than that, it wasn't even a noticeably different day.

I remember feeling extremely sad. I remember thinking that he didn't love me. I remember feeling unimportant. I remember thinking that I'd tried and tried and that he would never love me as I needed him to.

I remember then wondering if my marriage was over.

Perception is everything, isn't it? I now wonder if I was looking for a reason to get away....if I was looking for a sign of his love, already convinced that it wasn't there.

to be continued...

Part 4

8 comments:

  1. Reading your posts about your affair has really got me thinking about my previous marriage. Your ex husband sounds a lot like mine. There's a lot that I've never told anyone... Maybe someday I'll have the courage to relive it and process it. I just don't know that I want to go there yet.

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  2. This feels like it must be quite traumatic to relive it all - is Rascal reading this?

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  3. @Mommy Taylor - you mean there's another husband out there like mine was? Hmmm... sorry to bring up painful memories.

    @Niki - Whew girl. Thanks for the hugs. I definitely need them.

    @DadWhoWrites - it is extremely traumatic to relive. Rascal is not reading this but he's very aware that I'm processing it. I've told him much of this story. He's staying out of my way as I fight this dragon... on my side and cheering me on all the while.

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  4. There's never a single reason, for many of the things we do. Good things, and those we come to regret.

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  5. I almost want to wait to read any more, so that you keep posting and I have MORE to read at once. :)

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  6. I can totally understand feeling unappreciated in your marriage and needing/wanting to feel that again.

    The part I cant understand is the betrayal of the friendship you formed with the wife. When this happend to me, THAT was the bigger betrayal for me. Not that my husband was cheating on me with my best friend but that my FRIEND (or someone I had believed was a friend) had used and manipulated me and my husband for her own selfish desires. Not that that is what you did and the nature of your friendship with her was different as well, but still...it throws in another element to the affair when you are also friends with the wife.

    You know I love you T, and I commend you for opening up about this very difficult topic. I am intersted to know your thoughts about that aspect though.

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  7. @BigLittleWolf - Thanks. You are so correct. We all do what we do based on what we know at the time.

    @QT - I'm writing as fast as I can!!

    @Mindy - *sigh*

    This is one of the most painful aspects of this topic. I mentioned briefly, in a post from a year ago, that I still have dreams about K's wife. I still have the nightmare that I am somewhere that he is, and we're not even together, but she walks in and sees me and I'm left trying to explain that NOTHING IS HAPPENING! Its an awful feeling.

    I wasn't as close to her as I was to her husband. And the intention wasn't there. I didn't *use* her or *manipulate* her. It was never my intention to have an affair. As you continue to read this, you will see that I had the chance to turn away but unfortunately, chose not to.

    I'm sorry that this is bringing up that pain. Believe me, I would rather the pain be far from me right now too.

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