Somewhere during this time, my husband and I began exploring the idea of an open marriage.
Neither my husband nor I had much experience outside of each other with regards to sex. We visited a few swingers' bars and seriously contemplated the idea. He had no problem with me flirting with other men... or even kissing other men in front of him.
I felt like I was pushing boundaries with him. "What if I did this? Would it anger him? Would it make him finally show his love for me? Does it turn him on to see me with another man? Does he even care? Aren't I lucky to have a husband who doesn't get jealous? Or is that a bad thing?"
We also took a trip to Mexico with two other couples that we were extremely close with. One night during the trip, the 6 of us found ourselves naked and exploring each others' bodies. I'd instigated it by taking my clothes off and convincing the others to follow suit.
I wanted to seduce. I wanted attention. I wanted sex. I wanted to revel in everyone else's sexuality.
My husband thought it was the most erotic experience he'd ever had. The more I seduced, the more I felt wanted. The more wanted I felt, the more I desired my husband. The more I desired my husband, the more he responded to me.
I couldn't get enough sexually. I worked with men who basically dripped testosterone and shared much about their sex lives with me. I was hit on and flirted with. Our work environment became a haven of sexual energy. I was throwing it around everywhere and it felt damn good to be the queen.
K and I also began discussing the topic of sex more. Just as we'd discussed every other topic from music to TV to computers to food, we discussed sex matter-of-factly. I learned much about the explorations between he and his wife. I even remember him telling me about analingus and my reaction of pure curiosity.
"You've never had that?" he asked me one day at lunch.
"No, I can't imagine. Does it feel good?" I pondered.
"Well," he smiled in a flirtatious way, "If you ever want to know what its like, let me know."
We giggled. I knew he was joking, just as the rest of my co-workers joked with sexual innuendo around me. I thought nothing of it.
Frankly, when I think of that time in my life, I recall that it felt good to get a response from *anyone* to my natural sexuality. We do get what we give away...so the sexual energy was coming back at me threefold. This was a new power to me and I'd yet to understand how to control or harness it.
One day, I had a question about a project that K was working on in a lab office. I called into the office and began to ask him the question.
Something seemed off. I hung up the phone and went into the office where he was working alone.
"What's wrong with you?" I punched him playfully in the arm. "Why did you sound so funny on the phone?"
He shrugged off the question and attempted to maintain his composure as my teacher.
"Seriously," I continued, "Something's wrong and you can't hide it from me."
He looked up at me with sad eyes. "T... I don't know how to tell you this but... I care for you. A lot. And... I think I'm falling in love with you."
I stood there, mouth open, catching flies, and didn't know how to react to him. I remember thinking, "Who... me?"
I don't even recall if I said anything to him. I vaguely remember him saying something about us having lots in common, how we have fun together, and other things that seem like a blur.
I went home that evening and cried to my husband. I felt so awful for K. I thought he was happy in his marriage. Surely things weren't as good between them as I'd always thought. I couldn't shake the feeling that K must have felt miserable. Maybe his wife was horrible to him? Maybe he wanted out of his marriage?
My husband took me in his arms and held me. Then he looked into my eyes and said, "I can't blame the guy. I had a crush on you when we worked together too."
to be continued...