Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Affair, part 5

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Late summer/fall 1998:

That was it, wasn't it? That was my chance to stop things before they progressed. *sigh* I knew that but thought I could control myself anyway. What trouble could I possibly get into as a devoted, married woman?

Whatever casual flirting that occurred between K and I was kicked up a notch. I found myself teasing him mercilessly just because I could.

I had been a head-stuck-in-the-books-sweat-pant-wearing-weight-gaining college student for 3 1/2 years. Now I was a sexy and intelligent IT professional who excelled at what I did. I felt desired and unavailable. I was heady with power. It felt wonderful to feel wanted again.

My husband tried to meet my ever-expanding sexual demands. We were having sex but I wanted to have it more often and try new things. He was tired from traveling or busy around the house and I became more and more disillusioned with him. I remember asking him often if his "to do" list included me.

I did not want to have an affair but this teasing and flirting, this new sexual power, could not be contained. I was masturbating like crazy and reading and learning as much as I could. I was begging to experience more.

I was the lead singer of a band and this energy leaked into the lyrics I wrote:

I see you there
You feel my air
We know the sense of us
And we are one
When we don't touch
We are one
Intensity

Taste is so sweet
You know my heat
My ebb moves your flow
And we are one
Almost too much
We are one
Energy.

---

October 1998:

I was sent on assignment to Phoenix to do due diligence at a company we were helping. I was away from my husband for 2 weeks. K called me several times a day.

One evening in particular, his wife was out with a friend. Our conversation was the closest to phone sex I'd ever had before.

We crossed a line we said we'd never cross.

---

A few weeks later, our work group went to happy hour.

As I was about to leave, K volunteered to walk me to my car in the dark parking lot. I'd had a few drinks and had been flirting ruthlessly with K and my co-workers.

We walked and I talked incessantly, bouncing around like the silly girl that I am after a drink or two. He was quiet, smiling at my giddiness.

And in mid-sentence, he stopped me. He was shaking as he gripped both of my arms and turned me to face him. Then slowly, deliberately, he kissed me.

My breath was gone. My head was spinning. I couldn't think straight and neither could he.

We crossed a line we said we'd never cross.

Oh my... I remember that moment so clearly. You know that expression, "Be careful what you ask for"? Well, I'd been *asking* for it for a long time. Looking back, it is no surprise that things progressed the way they did. I was playing with fire and thinking that I couldn't get burned...

to be continued...

Part 6

11 comments:

  1. Ahhh...the line that we would never cross. Looks so vulnerable and small in the rear view mirror, doesn't it? :)

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  2. T, it feels familiar. I remember the feeling of being married and feeling like it would always be exactly the same. And then I remember the feeling of feeling sexy and ... seen. It's cathartic to read along. I'm not at a place where I can write my own story and maybe I never will be, but thank you for letting me forgive myself in little pieces by reading someone else's story.

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  3. This is good work yet again, T. You really are exposing a lot. It's scary, I'm sure. I've been in exactly your situation and am reliving mine. Wow. Scary.

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  4. Oh lord!
    I just discovered this series and wow! I feel as excited as guilty. I remember when this happened to me after I was engaged. Terrifying yet electrifying.
    Looking forward to part six.

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  5. You're sucking me in with this story, quite the tale so far.

    See? I knew I'd comment sooner or later!

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  6. Whoa!!
    Where did this loser come from?
    I don't get spam like this very often, are you a target sometimes T?

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  7. Just catching up now, after being away all weekend.

    Wow.

    I had an affair when I was married, too, and I can SO relate to what you've written here. A re-awakened sexually. Crossing lines. Knowing when you *should* have turned around...but not doing it.

    I can relate to it all.

    *huge hugs*

    You're a brave lady for putting all of this out there. I'm proud of you...because I know it's not an easy thing.

    Love you, girl.

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  8. I am amazed at the amount of support I have received while writing this series of posts. It also feels good, selfishly, to read that I wasn't the only one who experienced such a thing. No man is an island, right?

    We're all human and learning all the time.

    Oh and I learned two things about Anonymous:

    1) [sarcasm] This person is obviously a frequent reader and
    2) is filled with the holiday spirit. [/sarcasm]

    I'm sorry that you want to spread your sadness around but its Thanksgiving and though I am writing a series of tough posts, I am very happy and thankful for all that I've been through.

    And I'm thankful for all the love I'm receiving daily.

    Thank you all and Happy Thanksgiving.

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  9. Oh... Wounded!
    Mike the masturbater?? Ouch!
    That's the joke loser.
    Don't you realize that when you comment we have your ip address, city and personal info?
    Come on buddy, don't you have anything better to do than attack people?

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  10. I'm not entirely certain how people can be so hateful and self-righteous!
    ...and for those of us who actually know T, also know that your research is flawed.
    Anonymous, you should try a smile on...I'm guessing you don't very often.

    T, I love you, and I know sharing is not always easy, but I'm sure a little therapeutic.
    I'll be reading...AND not judging.

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!