K and I discussed every step. Neither of us wanted to leave our marriages. Both of us loved our spouses. Both of us had come from homes where our fathers had left our mothers for other women. We didn't want that. We deliberately chose against that.
We weren't going to do anything more than kissing.
Then, over time, we decided we weren't going to do anything more than kissing and groping but CLOTHES would stay ON.
Then, over time, we decided that we weren't going to go further than kissing and groping and playing with clothes off. We wouldn't actually have sex.
Then, in February, we did it again. We crossed another line we said we'd never cross.
We *kept* crossing lines we said we'd never cross. The fire was building. It was raging. It couldn't be stopped.
We made love in the den at his house.
I remember him staring into my eyes. I remember crying because I felt so loved. I remember us holding each other after, both of us spent and scared and worried.
I have learned this lesson about an affair. It is the darkness that fuels the fire. And if you decide to keep a secret from your spouse, even a little one, you will keep one a little bigger than that too. Then a little bit bigger. And even bigger. The line gets pushed further and further and soon you realize that you CAN keep secrets from your spouse. It becomes easier and easier. The next thing you know, you've gone so far that you can't even imagine how you got there.
At home, I was a sex fiend. My husband was a completely fulfilled and happy man.
He had a wife who was no longer begging for attention or sex. Instead I was happy to initiate and do whatever he wanted sexually. He didn't initiate. Ever. He could do as little as he wanted and I would have the best, most intense orgasms. I wanted to dress up in lingerie, his favorite aphrodisiac of all. I wanted to feel sexy all the time. He relished it.
He loved to watch me on stage when I was performing with my band. One of his favorite things to do was to watch other men want me. He would happily walk the bar and make bets that he would be "going home with the lead singer." He loved that I was buzzing with sexual energy and it was drawing in other men. He became even more attracted to me.
I was having sex with two men... sometimes in the same day.
At work, K and I worked so well together that we were getting recognized for our dedication and excellence. That fall, we were scheduled to go on assignment together out of town. We couldn't wait to get away to a town where no one knew us. We could be together like husband and wife.
You know that scene in Casablanca where Bogie says, "We'll always have Paris?" Well, K and I felt very much the same way and often said we will always have that first trip we took together. We became closer. We fell even more in love.
As I write this, my ex-husband called to say hello to the kids. The second I heard his voice on the phone, my heart broke into a million pieces and I was overcome with guilt. I handed the phone off quickly to my daughter and retreated hastily to my bedroom to cry. I am ready to let this go.
to be continued...