Thursday, November 26, 2009

The Affair, part 7

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

1999:

Though sexually and on the surface, I was in heaven. I was being desired by both my husband and my lover. I was learning and experimenting with sex with K. As he was my mentor at work, he was also my mentor in the bedroom. I was a very willing and eager pupil.

K and I were excelling at work. Both of us were stars in our group. We were bringing in more business and working long hours and sneaking away whenever we could to have naughty, out-of-control sex in unused offices or our cars or hotel rooms over long lunches.

My husband and I decided to buy and build a bigger home. We were making good money and enjoying our lives. We appeared to be happy and successful and content.

But inside, I was DYING.

I was so very confused. I loved my husband so much. I loved him even more now. I had compartmentalized my affair so that I was the perfect, doting, happy wife.

I was also very much in love with K. He was such a perfect partner for me. We couldn't get enough of each other. We could talk for hours sometimes, even continuing conversations during sex. We laughed. We loved. We breathed each others' breaths. It was everything I thought a relationship could be. Except that he wasn't mine and I wasn't his.

Oh the longing.... The many nights that my husband would be traveling and I'd be aching knowing that K was with his wife. K would hurt just as badly admitting jealousy of my husband. But this was the life we chose. We would not hurt our spouses. Instead and most ironically, we counseled each other on how to be better mates to our spouses.

---

There were so many days that I felt as if I would keel over from anxiety. I began seeing a therapist who warned me about my very risky behavior. I also began having panic attacks and subsequently began taking antidepressants.

From therapy I realized that I had never rebelled as a teenager. I was the eldest, the maternal one, the matriarch, my mother's best friend and confidante, the one who took care of my younger siblings and made sure everyone was all right.

This was my rebellion. And though my therapist shined the light on the possibility that I could lose my job, though she reminded me that K's wife still worked very closely with us, though she pointed out that either K's wife or my husband could find out and my successful life would be over, though my health was being affected, I DIDN'T CARE.

This was MINE. And I'd be damned if anyone could take it away from me.

---

Later that fall, K and I were both offered jobs with a different company. We accepted our new jobs and soon began traveling together on a more regular basis.

My husband lost his job.

K's wife... found out about the affair.

to be continued...

Part 8

9 comments:

  1. Don't you love how anonymous commenters come by to tell you how pathetic you are... and then keep reading your blog. Heh. Me thinks someone is more interested in T's "awful writing" than someone wants to admit.

    Anyway, I haven't had time to comment on any of this series, but I've been reading... and relating. Oh, the relating. I was not married when I had my affair, but he was. I was the other woman. Ugh. Still disgusts me. It took me years to feel like I knew myself again. We too crossed lines we said we wouldn't; I too experienced health issues as a result; I too have been eaten up with guilt.

    It occurred to me, though, that I was judging and condemning myself based on one terrible mistake. And while that mistake will always be with me and will always be part of who I am, it is not ALL that I am. I've done some really great things too. Self-forgiveness is a work in progress for me. I hope these posts are helping you forgive yourself.

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  2. You know, Anonymous, there's nothing wrong with anonymity. Except when you're using it like a coward. If something about T's honesty lights your fuse, maybe you should look at your own issues and ask why.

    T, I'm following this with a lot of interest (not least because its the polar opposite of so much about myself!) Though oddly enough, I've got my own little skeleton from back when I was 19. And Jesus, that did some damage. Don't think I could write about it yet with the amount of borderline harrowing honesty you're showing here.

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  3. T, I too have things from my past that would be hard to relive.

    Now that you have just about everything out (7 of 10 I belive) let the healing begin. Someday I hope to heal myself.

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  4. Well...being someone who is actually dating somebody who is divorced and has two children of her own, that really doesn't come into play when you're in your 30's and up. I mean, if you're single and in your 30's...I'd totally expect you to have children.

    And T...being able to talk to you outside of this blog, I know how much of an amazing woman you are. You are, indeed, quite a catch.

    Screw this anonymous douchebag. He's obviously got issues that he needs to deal with.

    * hugs *

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  5. T, no matter what any of the anonymous commenters have to say, you know the truth about who you are....and so do the people who really know you and care about you.

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  6. It takes a very courageous person to share their story. And a very hurt one to cast stones. We all have a story and no story is pretty when/where pain is involved. I'm proud of you for sharing, because there's nothing easy about talking about the things that hurt. I know you will find healing, and I'm sure others will, as well. There may be readers that find strength within themselves to finally spit out the junk they've been harboring, in order to find healing for themselves because you did first.

    This is real. This is life. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. T - I appreciate your honesty. Being on "the other side" of the affair, having my husband go outside the marriage, was very difficult - but I know there was a reason for this and I've grown stronger in the process. Just as you have through yours.

    Your posts have been an opportunity for me to UNDERSTAND where my husband was coming from, and hopefully, learn and grow as well.

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  8. Thank you for sharing T. It is very enlightening for all of us.

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  9. T, ignore the moron who commented as anonymous.

    No balls. At all.

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!