"Well, what are we going to do?" I asked my husband one day. "What is our marriage becoming? Are we actually going to have an open marriage?"
I was feeling guilty that I was enjoying another lover and he wasn't. I was ready to go out and find a woman for him. I wanted to share the guilt, I guess...
"Nah," he said, nonchalantly. "Why don't we try to have kids?"
K and his wife had decided early in their marriage not to have children. I had always assumed my husband and I would have children one day. I didn't think any more about it as we were approaching our 8th anniversary that December.
I was not in a place, emotionally, to have children. I wasn't sure I even wanted to be a mother anymore. I felt too selfish.
However, I also would have done anything to save my marriage at that point. So, that summer, I got off the pill and my husband and I started trying to get pregnant.
"Please don't be stupid," my husband said angrily one night, "I'd prefer you get pregnant with my child."
My God this is painful. This is killing me to relive all of this. I can't even understand the woman that I was back then. I can't imagine my life without my girls. And I can't believe that both my husband and myself actually believed that having a child would heal all of our wounds.
That is simply not fair to my baby girls.
*wipes a flood of tears away*
K and I were still scheduled in the same town randomly for work. We would get hotel rooms next door to each other so that our spouses wouldn't know.
He knew I was trying to get pregnant so we were very careful. We weren't able to see each other often but our time together was intense, amazing, escapist pleasure. We craved our time together to escape our guilt. We reserved the guilty feelings for those times we were with our spouses.
He was especially edgy as he was doing whatever he could to repair his marriage. His wife, already insecure, needed extra attention now. I gave up more and more of him so that he could devote his energy to her. I didn't want him to lose her. He was not in the same situation as I was.
She thought we were through. My husband didn't seem to care.
My oldest daughter was conceived.
to be continued...