Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Rebelling

I am a very disciplined person. When my friend Marie and I lived together, she used to make fun of me because I always paid my bills on time (obsessively so) and I would never eat another single morsel of food after I brushed my teeth at night.

These are just little things. I've noticed that since I've become a single parent, I'm not near as type A or obsessive about things as I used to be. Sometimes, I even downright rebel.

Heh. I actually rebel against my own discipline.

But see, that discipline is what has helped me have good credit so I could buy my home. That discipline has helped me to train for triathlons and stay healthy. That discipline helps me squeeze as much as I can out of each day.

The past few days I've been feeling like the day has squeezed back. I'm overwhelmed and thus, I've shut down. I'm tired. I don't want to do anything that I have to do. I simply want to be.

Perhaps that is why I didn't rap out a blog post last night on my lonely laptop. I basically sat in my bed, ignoring the glowing screen that I now sit in front of.

I, in effect, gave it the finger and went to bed.

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Why am I rebelling?

I have no idea.

Maybe its because I wanted to snuggle up with my daughters last night and talk instead of thinking of something to write.

Maybe its because I wanted to get in a good hour long bike training session since I signed up for yet another 164 mile bike ride for charity in the spring.

Maybe its because I was out of town all weekend and wanted to get caught up on a few TV shows that I'd recorded on my DVR. It felt good to be brainless.

Maybe its because....

Someone really close to me is going through something that I've already experienced in my life. Something that was quite a life-changing, belief-altering experience for me and I think it will be for this person as well.

This person is asking me for advice and I feel helpless to give it. Though I don't regret it, I wouldn't recommend it. However, what can I say when I did it too? How can I say, "Don't do it!" when I can fully understand the reasoning behind it?

It has thrown me for a loop.

I honestly didn't expect long hidden emotions to come raging back to the surface. I didn't realize that I still had processing to do. I had no idea that I still felt the things that I feel about this experience.

I had long ago justified it. I had long ago put it away as something that I simply had to go through. I never dug much deeper than that. It was too painful.

And, like the metaphorical beach ball that is being held under water, it bounced right back up in my face again. Now I realize that the only way to make it go away is to deal with it and let out all the air.

I guess sometimes, I feel there is enough of me to share. So I give myself. And give. And give. To my kids. My work. My family. My friends. My plans. My goals. My responsibilities.

Then one little thing becomes the tiny straw that breaks this camel's back.

So, in the meantime, I feel like rebelling.

I'll get over it eventually.

12 comments:

  1. When I'm feeling tired and overwhelmed is when I give myself permission to rebel. Like you, most of the time, I am very disciplined but I've also noticed that since I've been single, I do rebel against myself more - silly little things like leaving my makeup on at night when I'm tired, going for a walk mid-day when the weather's really nice, putting off paying the bills for a day because I don't feel like it, eating a bowl of cereal for dinner when I don't feel like cooking etc. Hardly a big rebel am I!

    Sounds like you need to take some extra time to take care yourself, to nurture and love yourself. Be strong - you'll come through this.

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  2. Are we having the same week?

    Lately? I just can't be bothered to do the things I should.

    Part distraction, depression, and just...tired.

    BLAH.

    On the other hand, Jeopardy was interesting today. ;)

    love you, T.

    -R.

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  3. It's interesting how sometimes some things can come back to "bite us" like that. We think we're okay, that we've gotten past it, worked all through it, and then something reminds us that in this moment we're slightly different, and we have to deal with that particular thing to match the person that we are today.

    It happens.

    And so does rebelling. You'll get back on track. For now, just allow yourself to "be".

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  4. Well...every blog deserves a day off every once in a blue moon, T. Just don't place too much pressure on yourself, whether it's writing a blog post or providing advice. Just do what's good for *you*.

    xo

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  5. I know where you mean, I did a few century rides.

    You can do whatever you want to do!

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  6. Boy, do I get this. And I'm there again right now only I dont refer to it as rebelling but recharging. Or trying to. Sometimes it takes longer than others.

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  7. Then take the time you need for you T, we'll be here when you get back. :)

    Love you too Sweet Pea. More than RE does of course.

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  8. Being overwhelmed does indeed make you shut down. So you shut down. Except. for. kids.

    Because parenting means you can't ever shut down that part.

    But otherwise, to the extent that you can, rest. K?

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  9. It's good to give your blog the finger every now and then. I do it. (To my blog, not yours. Ha!)

    Disciplined bill paying that leads to a home purchase is indeed a very good thing. Bravo.

    As for watching a friend go through something you've already gone through - that's one of the fascinating things about blogging, for me. I see people processing stuff that I dealt with in my life years ago. I get to revisit the topic, see how someone else does it differently, maybe add my two cents. It's interesting. And you can never really say "don't do it", because you know they have to.

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  10. I so get what you are saying. The part about long hidden emotions that you had processed, then come back and literally throw you for a loop. I'm in the process of that now. And as far as your friend, that is so difficult. You can give advice, tell her your experiences, but it's true, she will do what she has to do.

    I always enjoy reading you T. Although I don't comment everyday, your posts do touch me. Take all the time you need.

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  11. gosh, it's like eating cake. when you don't eat cake for a long time, sometimes ya just got to rebel and eat the whole thing. Balance is what it's all about and breaking from something out of the norm is norm. enjoy!

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  12. I am a little late reading this, and I really hope you are feeling better T. Remember that you grow when you feel this kind of stuff. You have been growing a lot and you should be so proud of yourself. This is just one more growth spurt in your life.

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