I am a very disciplined person. When my friend Marie and I lived together, she used to make fun of me because I always paid my bills on time (obsessively so) and I would never eat another single morsel of food after I brushed my teeth at night.
These are just little things. I've noticed that since I've become a single parent, I'm not near as type A or obsessive about things as I used to be. Sometimes, I even downright rebel.
Heh. I actually rebel against my own discipline.
But see, that discipline is what has helped me have good credit so I could buy my home. That discipline has helped me to train for triathlons and stay healthy. That discipline helps me squeeze as much as I can out of each day.
The past few days I've been feeling like the day has squeezed back. I'm overwhelmed and thus, I've shut down. I'm tired. I don't want to do anything that I have to do. I simply want to be.
Perhaps that is why I didn't rap out a blog post last night on my lonely laptop. I basically sat in my bed, ignoring the glowing screen that I now sit in front of.
I, in effect, gave it the finger and went to bed.
Why am I rebelling?
I have no idea.
Maybe its because I wanted to snuggle up with my daughters last night and talk instead of thinking of something to write.
Maybe its because I wanted to get in a good hour long bike training session since I signed up for yet another 164 mile bike ride for charity in the spring.
Maybe its because I was out of town all weekend and wanted to get caught up on a few TV shows that I'd recorded on my DVR. It felt good to be brainless.
Maybe its because....
Someone really close to me is going through something that I've already experienced in my life. Something that was quite a life-changing, belief-altering experience for me and I think it will be for this person as well.
This person is asking me for advice and I feel helpless to give it. Though I don't regret it, I wouldn't recommend it. However, what can I say when I did it too? How can I say, "Don't do it!" when I can fully understand the reasoning behind it?
It has thrown me for a loop.
I honestly didn't expect long hidden emotions to come raging back to the surface. I didn't realize that I still had processing to do. I had no idea that I still felt the things that I feel about this experience.
I had long ago justified it. I had long ago put it away as something that I simply had to go through. I never dug much deeper than that. It was too painful.
And, like the metaphorical beach ball that is being held under water, it bounced right back up in my face again. Now I realize that the only way to make it go away is to deal with it and let out all the air.
I guess sometimes, I feel there is enough of me to share. So I give myself. And give. And give. To my kids. My work. My family. My friends. My plans. My goals. My responsibilities.
Then one little thing becomes the tiny straw that breaks this camel's back.
So, in the meantime, I feel like rebelling.
I'll get over it eventually.