Thursday, December 10, 2009

"And my husband lives next door..."

When my ex-husband and I initially bought a home together, we were excited. We were thrilled to be first time homeowners and live together like a real married couple!

After living together less than 6 months, the house next door went on the market. We thought about buying it.

We seriously considered buying the house next door for my husband.


We loved each other but we also got on each other's nerves. One of our earliest fights was because he didn't like the way I cooked my oatmeal. I didn't like that he sat in front of the TV all day on Sunday. He didn't like that I wasn't as neat as he was. I didn't like that he couldn't pay his own bills.

You get where I'm going with this?


My friend D and his girlfriend are celebrating their 7 year anniversary next month. It is the longest relationship he's ever had before. He's lived with numerous girlfriends prior to dating this girl and finally, when he was single, he bought his own home.

His girlfriend had her own home too. She was a single mother of teenage children who have since all left home.

Both D and his girlfriend still have their own homes. They have scheduled Wednesday night date nights and they spend every weekend together.

It works for them. They each have their own homes, their own space and their own lives. He believes this is what is attributing to the length and success of their happy relationship.


We always hear (and say) that the best relationships are those where you're able to maintain your own identity. Isn't part of that identity your home?

I often wonder whether or not Gentleman Jack and I could ever live together as my house is filled with estrogen and his is filled with testosterone.

I would hate for him to think he'd have to take down his prized trophies from hunting and fishing.... and I'm sure he'd have something to say about my chakra wall chart.

Maybe that's why our relationship has gone so well so far. We each have our own homes, our own space, our own lives and our own identities. I don't feel a need to stifle or change who he is and he doesn't stifle or attempt to change me either.

We're each free to nurture ourselves and devote time to each other in addition to that. We each feel whole and happy in our lives but then when we're together, we're together. Every time is special.

Hmmm.... maybe when we finally end up in the same town together, we can get a his and hers duplex like the one in the picture?

I can see me explaining that to our friends and family, "Oh yeah. My husband lives next door...."

Hey, its OUR normal.

"The best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."
~ Unknown

I found the above picture on this guy's photostream and I was in love.


  1. It's funny...sometimes I wonder what will happen when the day comes that CBG and I live together. I worry that we'll get on each other's nerves since we're both really used to having so much space of our own. This is the first long-term relationship I've ever been in that I've actually had this much space, and much of the time, I enjoy it.

    I'm hoping, though, that when the time comes for us to be together permanently, that we'll be able to work through the difficulties that will no doubt arise.

    And you're right about "normal" - every couple needs to define their own version of what that is.

  2. The only man I ever lived with was my ex husband - for 14 years.

    It's been eight years since my divorce and since then it's been just me and the girls and until recently, I could never even imagine living with a man again. Now though, I can see it working. ;)

  3. Ummm, my ex husband and I couldn't live that close together. And my ex boyfriend and I lived four doors down from each other for over a year. I'm glad to be a few miles away now as I pull myself together. There's something to be said for a little space.

  4. I'm very much into figuring out a compatibly for the home. I know that the next person I will be with, I will need to adjust.

    My first marriage, I was so young that I grew into my identity.

    And space between me and the ex, has been critical to regaining a normal life.

    But I'm having to say, that being that far away from someone would get difficult after awhile. When you come home to a empty house wishing they were there to great you. Or you getting home waiting to great them when they arrived.

  5. That's why I always laugh at those who try to explain normal to me. Whose to say that their version of normal is MY version of normal??

    Cuz you damn well know my version of normal is not everyone else's version of normal. :)

  6. Most people can't afford to live by themselves entirely. The big drawbacks are not being able to watch whatever you want on TV...but if you're living with a roommate you don't get the big pro of sex on tap. I'd rather give up Cake Boss than sex with my sweetie!

  7. Too funny. And I think there may be something to say for the "house next door" in certain situations.

    And in others, that would be an ocean, and much too far.

  8. If oatmeal could keep a marriage together, then here's a wedding gift:

    Sorry it's late. :-)

    I agree the best relationships are ones where you keep your own identity. As for living situations - my ex and I live 3 blocks apart. It's great for the kids.

  9. I have friends who were married for many, many years, and were mostly miserable. They decided to divorce and he moved out when they separated. And then... they realized how great they were together when they weren't *always* together. They're still married (happily, this time) but live separately and have no intention of moving back in together anytime soon, if ever.

    Whatever works!

  10. That is funny. I was talking to a girlfriend whose husband didn't want to leave the house during their separation (oh, this is sounding so familiar! :P), and she said, "And what happens when you start dating? Are you going to say, 'Now I have to go home where I live with my ex-wife'?" That pushed him out the door. I realize, likewise, that I can be very civil to Soon-To-Be-Ex Mr. Llama but only when not forced to live under the same roof.

    Be well, T.

  11. Diana and I share the same thought: Hollywood Movie in the making!

  12. Plane Boy moved houses this weekend and I have been thinking alot about moving in together.

    I think you are right though - we get to go home and recharge and be alone for a bit!

    I still would love to wake up next to him everyday though!

  13. My husband and I could have lived in different states and still have gotten on eachothers nerves. :)

  14. I know for a fact if we had enough room for my wife and I to have separate bedrooms, she'd do it in a heartbeat.


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