Monday, December 21, 2009

What does love look like?

One of the things I've learned in my spiritual studies is that love doesn't always look like what I expect it to look like.

For one thing, everyone has a different perspective on everything. We all put our stories and our spin on every event and situation. Our stories are all based on our past experiences and upbringing so they'll all be different.

Everyone also has different ways of expressing love. Recently, I've also learned that sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let someone go.

I'm learning to question what love looks like. I forget to ask the question sometimes because I think I know what I *should* do. Sometimes I think I know what someone else *should* do too.

When I decide what I think love *should* look like, oftentimes, I find myself not feeling loved at all.

However, when I get my ego judgment out of the way and become aware of the present moment, I automatically feel love. When I can do that, I get the most surprising results....


Saturday, Gentleman Jack and I were hosting a get together at his house to watch the New Orleans Saints/Dallas Cowboys game.

(Don't get me started... I heart my Saints and I always will.)

We spent the entire day preparing the house and food. We had a blast. Just put on some good music, hand me a vacuum and watch me go!

But that night, as we both lay exhausted from the days' events, I was sad. I felt lonely.

Confused, GJ pulled me to him and held me close. It didn't help me. I could only think about how we hadn't spent any alone time together. I knew that I had to leave early the next day and wouldn't see him for 2 more weeks.

In my head, I thought that the most loving thing I could do would be to stay quiet and let him get some sleep.

I tried to do that but then I felt angry. I felt invisible. I had no idea what to ask of him. All that I knew was that I didn't have his attention all day and I wouldn't have it for much longer. I wanted his attention!

I HAD his attention but it didn't seem like enough!

I hate when I have these feelings. I cannot explain them nor from where they come.

"Be here now," GJ told me. He can always feel my struggle, even when I struggle quietly.

He's right, I thought. He's here with me. Why can't I be here too?!

I began taking deep breaths and asked the question, "How do I recognize the love? What do I do?" I needed to be in the present moment, to recognize what love looked like in that moment...

Kiss him.

Those are the words I heard and felt in my heart. So, in our spoon, I turned in the bed to face him and gave my sleepy man a simple, sweet kiss.

It was almost as if a switch was turned on. In that moment, both of our bodies came alive. In that instant when my lips met his, we were connected, wholly in the now, to each other.

It surprised both of us in the most pleasurable, unexpected way.


I cannot be angry or resentful at someone if I'm not feeling loved.

What that means is that I gave with expectation or I'm not recognizing the form of love right in front of me. If I'm expecting something then I need to put up a boundary. If I'm not recognizing love then I need to stop thinking about the past or future.

I'm learning that love lives in the present moment.

That's when I feel joy. That's when the best surprises happen. That's when my heart nearly leaps from my chest.

I love it when that happens.

"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~Dr. Seuss

"'Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul."
~Judy Garland


  1. One of the hardest things to realize is that we all love differently; but in that differentness, we can become closer. Even when we feel we've totally connected, there is often still a disconnect on some level.
    It's often because men and women sense and feel and do things differently and read our lover's emotions and actions and reactions differently than they themselves feel them.

    But, we do the best we can do; we care the best we can care; we love in the way that we sense our love needs love; and yet, we often feel that we've not quite made it. But when we meet -- it's beautiful.

  2. Wow, lovely T, do I relate! I also notice that if, during a moment of disconnect/sadness, I can make the first move and show love.... it really does magic.

  3. WOW! You were right - our posts were similar today. = ) The boundary part is what I have trouble with...but yes, love...well...recognizing and accepting the expression of love from another is quite the challenge.

    Great insight!

  4. It's all about staying in the present moment, isn't it? That's something I struggle with so much. The good news, though, is that I am struggling with it...which is a good shows that I'm being aware.

    And good for you for being aware, too. :)

  5. No, love does not always look like what we expect, does it? Ad when we can accept that, we can accept love in all it's forms much easier.

    Well said, T.

  6. What I just got out of this is that you two connect on such a level, that you were able to ask in your way and express that you were needing something. He got that in his own way. You two really do communicate so well. I think that you have what it takes to make "forever"

  7. Perfect post. Love it. Nice gentle reminder. We all need to spend more time in the moment.

  8. Great post. I especially like the comments at the end about expectations and boundaries. They are good thoughts for everybody and they really resonated deeply with me. Thanks for the reminders!

  9. "Be here now" - such simple words, but true. Live in the moment, not the past, not the future, the NOW. Rascal's a pretty smart guy...he must learn from a pretty smart girl named T! :)

  10. Love this post. Makes me think a lot about my relationship with Josh. Every time I find myself slipping into the old ways of my previous marriage I remind myself to live in the moment, not the past. It can be hard to do sometimes, but I'm learning...

  11. This is great. As I read this post, I kept thinking "if you want love, GIVE love, and it will be there." And finally your solution - "kiss him". Not be kissed. Not beg for a kiss. Not pine until he kissed you. You kissed him. You gave love. And that is the magic elixir. Great post!!

  12. T I could have written this post. I react like this when Plane Boy and I spend a weekend with friends and our alone time is limited.

    Do you know what your language of love is? Do you know what Rascals is?

    Mine is quality time. I dont need gifts or words of affirmation - I need your undivided attention.

    When I dont get it I become miserable and insecure. Plane Boys is words of affirmation and its hard sometimes to balance the two! But being aware of them helps.


Thank you for leaving me some comment love!