Sunday, May 31, 2009

That's my network



You know those Verizon ads where the group of people follows the person with the cell phone wherever they go and always makes sure they're connected and well taken care of?

Yeah. That's how I feel about you guys.

I can barely read my last post. That was such a deep dark feeling. I'm sure to go there again... but it feels good to know that if I do, I have my network to make sure I'm taken care of.

You guys are the best!!!

---

There was one comment in particular that seemed to get everyone in a very protective huff.

Oh I laughed and cried so much at your wonderful loving responses!!!

First of all, let me say that yes, this blog is "self absorbed and egotistical". If you read in the sidebar over there on the right, it says, "This is an adventure in self-discovery..."

Secondly, all of us are "self-absorbed and egotistical". We live our lives trying to be happy, nurturing ourselves and the ones we love, doing our best to stay alive or keep those we love from harms way, and so on. All of us are doing our best to serve our own, or those we love's, best interests.

But allow me to address this person's issue with the line in that post:

I actually thought, before Gentleman Jack came over, "Well, if we did work out, I might lose some readers."


I suppose I wrote that because sometimes I feel that people come to read here purely for the drama.


I wondered, "Would people want to read about a drama-free, happy life?"

I don't know but I often think that you all come to read here for one of 3 reasons:
  1. "Whew! I'm so glad to see someone suffering more than me!"
  2. "Wow. This person is going through the exact same suffering as me!"
  3. "Whoa. I'm glad I'm not suffering as much as this person."

Here's the thing I've forgotten: We're all suffering all the time.

---

Last week in yoga, the class centered on compassion.

We went through a mantra with three different mudras:
  1. Focusing on compassion for those who suffer more than me.
  2. Focusing on compassion for those that suffer the same as me.
  3. Focusing on compassion for those that suffer less than me.

It reminded me of a line from A Course in Miracles where it states that we believe that there is a "hierarchy of illusions"; meaning that there are levels of suffering.

Doesn't it seem like most of us are all suffering all the time? I mean, I've been in so many positions in my life: financially set and financially poor, fat and thin, ugly and pretty, married and single.... and I know for a fact that I didn't always choose happiness. I know for a fact that even then I wanted something to be different.

Does it really matter who seemingly has it better, the same or worse than us when even they will have something that they want to change?


---

So, I choose a happy, drama-free life.

I do realize, however, that even in that choice, there will be still be something that I will want more or less of. I am surprisingly human.

And being human, there will be something that someone else will relate to. There will also be some people who just don't get me.

I'm gonna aim for it anyway.


I deserve it. We all do. Whether we get there or not, I say:

Aim high.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Not me

I'm going to vent.

I need to finish off masturbation month with the winner of the contest and one more sex toy review but I am going to put that off til next week.

Right now, I am in a very dark place. I will be spending time with Gem tonight - thank GOD - because honestly, I am not sure I can go through another night like last night.

I know this will pass. I know I will be ok.

In this moment, I am NOT ok.

I've blogged over and over again about accepting who I am right now. So... here is the ugliness in all it's glory.

----

I am feeling very manipulated. Again.

Gentleman Jack and Soldier are definitely two different people. But I feel like both of them decided early on that it was much easier to shield their hearts from hurting.

Both of them seemingly fell hard for me early. Then later backtracked like it was too much for them.

Both of them pulled me in with sweet words and dreamy landscapes of paradise and a beautiful loving relationship that could be.

Both of them had stories of relationships that didn't work out (like we all do). And both of them said something to me that made me know, at a gut level, that I should give up. But do I give up? Hell no, I'm apparently too much of an optimist. I apparently think that everyone deserves a chance.

Both of them said to me that they couldn't possibly give me "what I deserved."

What the FUCK am I supposed to do with THAT?!?!?!?!?!?

If you KNOW that I deserve more and you KNOW that you cannot give it then WHY oh FUCKING WHY pull me in and act like you're so strong and willing to try, only to tell me later, "See? I knew I couldn't possibly be here for you the way you should have someone here for you."

"But you're so amazing. I can see why so many are drawn to you. I can't even look in your eyes without divulging my entire life and soul. You see right through me. I feel so safe with you. I am so happy to have had this chance with you...."

Blah Blah blah ad nauseam. Both of them said it. Both of them wanted me to hang on... long after because "It can't be all or nothing!" or "Promise me you'll always be my friend no matter what!"

AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! FUCK THE BOTH OF THEM AND THE WHITE HORSES THEY RODE IN ON!!!!!!!!

I'm so amazing that I scare men off? I'm so attractive and magnetic that they can't resist coming in, wrapping my heart in a big shiny gold box and then saying, "Ooops. Sorry. I mean to tell you that I'm really an ass. I can't help it. Ya see, I've been hurt so many times that, though I want to love you, I'm simply, not capable of it. And you're so wonderful and I never want to not know you... I'd love to have you forever as my friend... but I'm just not what you deserve. And I'm sure that I will hurt you one day. And I really don't want to be the bad guy..."

So.... both of them did things to make me feel as if I was the one to call it off.... only to figure out later on, that maybe it was their plan to sabotage the whole thing anyway.

Or perhaps I'm simply stuck in victim mode right now. It will pass. This I'm sure.

---

Other ugliness:

I actually thought, before Gentleman Jack came over, "Well, if we did work out, I might lose some readers."

What the fuck is that too? I actually laughed out loud when that thought came into my head. If that's how my mind works, then I will shut down this blog. I WILL SHUT THIS DOWN!

I do not choose this SHIT anymore. I am OVER this drama.

I also figured out, the entire time I was with Gentleman Jack, that I'm still in love with Soldier. Most of the time he was here, I was wishing it was Soldier or thinking, this is what my weekend in October with Soldier should have been like.

But I thought, "I'm gonna try this. This feels nice. And I will move past this memory stuff about the Soldier and really see Gentleman Jack as different and better. We will spend more time together and I will eventually fall for this man. He is worth it. He is different."

Ha! I say in the face of all the love in this world! You keep toying with me. Teasing me with what could be greatness and then you rip it out of my still gripping hands. I'm left standing there saying over and over again:

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

Well I give up. I am done. If I didn't have my kids, I would end this shit. End it once and for all. I am over loving people, giving a crap, wanting to heal and inspire and be patient and ignore my fears and hope above all hopes.

I am SO over this life. I am just done.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Ineffable

Ineffable: Incapable of being expressed; indescribable or unutterable.

It seems silly for me to even try to blog about something that I have no words for.

Gentleman Jack is....

*sigh*

You know all the good words in the dictionary that make you feel like the sky is bluer and the air is fresher and the grass is greener and the birds are full of music and you feel like a cheerleader that is running around on too much sugar and caffeine and you want to yell to the world: YAY ME!!!!!

Yeah. That's Gentleman Jack.



But...

*sigh*

I called it off.

I know that I could fall for him. We could have an amazing perfect relationship.

But:

We're both single parents.

We both have excellent co-parenting relationships with our ex-es.

Our children adore the other parent in their lives.

We WANT our children to continue to have the other parent in their lives.

Neither of us has the desire to move.


I'm sure many of you are saying, "Come on! Its only 3 hours away!"

We couldn't stop touching for the entire 18 hours we spent together. We were both so caught up in each other that we KNOW we'd want this so badly...

Why go through the torture when both of us have 4 year olds at home? Neither of us would consider leaving our towns until our children are grown.

14 years of this?!?

And he's so afraid that he might hurt me at some point because he's scared to fall, worried about getting hurt again, concerned about the future, frustrated with the distance and feels so very protective of me.

I thought he wasn't scared.

Turns out we both are. So, in order to stop the pain that's sure to come from longing or frustration or one of us wanting to give up, I decided to cut it off while it's still early. This way, we can move past this and into a wonderful friendship that will endure this distance between us.

I told him that I needed space and he's asking, "How long?!?!"

I don't know. I have to settle down again. I have felt such an outpouring of love from this man and... I know it's still there... I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his touch.

Just since I've been typing this he's sent me 4 text messages with the kindest and most loving words.


Funny how I remember writing on paper while crying; you could always see where the tears fell because the ink would smudge. You don't get the same effect on a computer screen.

The tears are falling. However I am SO grateful for this man. If I could put him in a box and save him for those days when I need to feel connected and adored and loved, I would.



But he's a daddy.

And I'm a mommy.

And it's just not going to work.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Mish Mash Mush

I'm so tired ya'll.

I'm very happy to be reconnecting at such depth with Gentleman Jack every night but dang, I need my sleep.

He's coming to see me tomorrow so I may not get much sleep then either.

I don't want to get too mushy but he's just.... WOW.

We shall see.

---

Backing out of my driveway this morning, Rose pointed out a bird on the fence.

"That's a finch." I told her.

Then I saw another one land beside it. Two chickadees: male and female.

Rose asked, "How do you know which one's the boy?"

I explained that in nature, the males are usually the most beautiful. They are competing for the female's attention. They show off, try to look their best and will fight off other males to get noticed.

It is the female who gets to choose who she will mate with.

---

Today, I met the lovely Mnemosyne from Irascible Crayons.

Somewhere during our conversation, we began talking about women and how they treat each other. That's when it hit me:

Women act just like males in the wild.

I mean seriously! We do our best to be beautiful and compete for male attention, don't we? And God forbid another woman look more beautiful that we do!!

Maybe I'm just delirious but I thought this was a big revelation.

But don't you think, even in the human world, that it is still ultimately the female who chooses who she mates with?

---

I cannot say enough about how much I enjoyed meeting Mnemosyne today.


She is such a fresh face: dark haired, blue eyed, feminine beauty. But what an old soul she has!

We did hit it off instantly. I look forward to getting together with her again soon. She lives really close to me. There is simply no reason that our little ones can't play outside while she and I drink a glass of wine and talk about relationships, life and love.

Plan on it, girl.

---

I'm sure I will be getting a phone call soon.

Every time he calls I think, I wonder what we could possibly have to say to each other tonight. Then the next thing I know, it is 3 hours later.

Last night we tried to get off the phone for an hour and a half!

I look forward to tomorrow evening when I can see how this wonderful chemistry translates to real life.

I leave you with this, Gentleman Jack's fortune from the first few days of reconnecting. He sent it to me in a text message and we've so enjoyed it:

"The most beautiful adventures are those which we do not seek."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Pushing through Panic

My first sprint triathlon is coming up in 12 days.

During the triathlon, I have to swim 1/2 mile, bike for 12 miles and run for 3.

Last week, I swam 3/4 mile in 36 minutes without stopping!!

I don't know if that's fast or slow but it was something that I'd never done before. I actually swam further than I will need to swim in the triathlon.

Then I met with my tri-buddy, KK, who helped me even more by showing me a cleaner and faster stroke than I was already using. I was happy to have her assistance. We'll be hitting the lake this weekend for my first attempt at an open water swim.

---

Tonight I swam 1/2 mile using this new stroke and after 4 laps, I felt panicked.

Instead of reacting the way I initially reacted to panic in the water - flipping over on to my back or simply stopping altogether - I kept going. I tried to focus on my breathing, calmed myself and found a rhythm with my arms, legs and breaths.

I pushed through it.

---

When I returned home, I changed into my cycling gear and took the bike out for a ride. I am trying to see what sort of nutrition my body will require to get through all three disciplines consecutively. Apparently, I didn't eat enough or eat the right things.

My legs were starting to get tired at mile 10 when I hit the steepest hill of my route.

I felt like stopping. My speed decreased dramatically from an average of 17 - 20 mph to a measly 11 mph. I was panting and in dire need of rest.

I told myself that I was healthy and strong. I thanked my legs for the piston power that they provide for me while on my bike.

I pushed through it.

---

After my 11 mile bike ride, and somewhere in my 2 mile run, I had a revelation:


When I pushed through the panic in the pool, I found a comfort zone.

When I pushed myself up the steep hill during my bike ride, I found a comfort zone.

As I pushed myself to finish the last of my interval run before the rain came pouring down on me, I nearly found a comfort zone.
(Body was out of energy!)


I can push myself through the same panic that I'm feeling in this new relationship with Gentleman Jack!


I have actually learned this - this being gentle, calming my breathing, sending love and energy to the muscles of my body - from yoga. Most yoga students tend to panic in poses that feel uncomfortable to them.

A good teacher will help you to find comfort in the discomfort.

The discomfort only increases with the panic, therefore sending your breathing into overdrive and causing your muscles to tense up. This then causes even more discomfort and pain.

But if you can soothe your muscles with love, gently give gratitude for your strength, and focus on the stillness in between your breaths, you will relax into the yoga pose, the swim, the bike ride, the run...

The heart is a muscle too, isn't it?

Ah, lesson learned. I love how everything's connected.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Cautious Optimism

Today is Memorial Day. This is when you would expect me to put up a video or tribute to the soldiers and troops that support our country.

I do support our troops. I am grateful and give thanks to those men and women who have fought or continue to fight for our freedoms and protection. I very nearly put up a video that moves me every time but I see that I put up the exact same video last Memorial Day.

I am distracted. I have to get this out...

---



I haven't been in the mood to write lately.

I guess it's because I've had the kids all weekend and the only time I have to myself is after they're in bed. However, usually at that time, I'm getting on the phone with Gentleman Jack and yeah...that's been keeping me up late.

As of today, we have talked on the phone nearly 30 hours!

We've covered so many different topics. The conversation is easy. Even the silence is easy! I've learned much about him.... but I've also learned more about myself in the past week than I have in months!

I have realized that the true purpose of relationships is to learn more about who we are.

---

I've noticed many fears creeping to the surface.

This is a good thing because the only way to dissipate these fears is to have an awareness of them. Instead of reacting to them, which I am wont to do, I am simply looking at them and processing them as best I can.

Gentleman Jack is a very good judge of character.

He has already noticed things about my personality that well, I tend to try to hide from people.

My perfectionist tendencies...


My overachiever tendencies...


My want-to-please tendencies...



He sees right through me!


And it frightens me... because these are things that I am not especially proud of. I know that these things have been sticking points in past relationships. I feel my heart sink and wonder if he could possibly still be interested in me after recognizing these things.

When I talk to him about my fears - my fear of not being accepted, my fear of falling into old habits - he responds in a such a way that I can't help but laugh:

"I ain't skeered."

He says that to make me smile since we both grew up in a "redneck" area of the country. I get it. I understand. He isn't afraid and tells me over and over again,

"What's not to love?!"

In effect, he is helping me to accept myself.

I may continue to have those tendencies or I may not. Either way, it is simply who I am right now.

---

I've noticed the staggering differences between this budding relationship and my last one.

However we're both approaching it with cautious optimism.

Sometimes I wonder if I should trust him. He is over-the-top kind, open, gentle, communicative, honest...

Then I've recently recovered from another relationship where, I now realize, I felt manipulated. I did everything I could to please, mostly because nothing pleased him, and ended up losing such a part of myself.

I can't say that those fears aren't there.


But every time I feel that sinking feeling in my stomach, I stop, try to catch my breath and... I talk to him.

So far, he has responded in the most loving way possible.

I know it is only the beginning. I am taking lots of deep breaths. We will see.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Hotness

I'd like to say I'm talking about Gentleman Jack in my life but... I'm gonna save some stuff for later.


Apparently, he's not the only one who thinks I'm hot.


*giggle*

The Hot Dads have awarded me the badge of Hot Mama!



To be included in the list of awesome mamas and awarded by some damn cool dads is a HUGE honor for me!

Thanks guys!!

---

I also found out, by pure accident, that I was nominated by the wonderful Canadian Bald Guy as a Hottest Mommy blogger in the Bloggers Choice Awards for 2009!

That's kind of a big deal for a little blog like mine.

My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!

If you think I'm hot, click on the link and go vote for me. I'd love it.

---

And lastly, I hope everyone enjoys the three day weekend!!

Speaking of hot...

I'm looking forward to having some crawfish and maybe even seeing a soccer game.

I'll also be trying out my newest toy from Eden Fantasys. I get the feeling that this next one is going to blow my mind.

Have fun ya'll!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Let go of one thing...

No sooner did I click publish on my declaration of true singleness, another former high school classmate contacted me on Facebook.

The good news is that we hardly knew each other in high school. I'm not sure we ever even talked to each other though I do remember who he was.

With Soldier as a former classmate/old high school friend, there were already judgments and expectations of who I thought he was or could be.

This person has the advantage of showing me who he is now. Just as any new man would.

I think I'll call him Gentleman Jack.

---

I examined Gentleman Jack's Facebook profile as I would any other man. Hmmm...

Single dad.

Cheerful and positive status updates.

Fisherman. (I go weak for people who fish. I grew up fishing with my Papa every weekend. I know that a man who fishes has infinite patience and love for nature.)

Hot. Um. Wow.

Then the kicker...

He lives in my hometown in Louisiana.

*sigh*


But I thought what the hell and began responding to his flirtatious emails.

Shortly after, we exchanged email addresses outside of Facebook.

We began with our stories... what we'd been up to the last 22 years. We talked about our professional lives and our personal lives.

After explaining to him that I actually moved to Dallas to pursue a singing career, he replied, "When do I get the pleasure of having you sing to me?"

I love a guy who can flirt like I do.

With that, we exchanged phone numbers.

---

One of the first questions I asked Gentleman Jack on the phone was,

"Why are we doing this? You're single. I'm single. Its obvious we want to get to know each other. But you're there. I'm here."

His answer to my question intrigued me so much:

"All I know, T, is that there's someone else in charge here. I'm not scared of that."

Faith.

I wrote a post in November of traits I was looking for in a man. Faith was on that list. Along with other traits I've noticed in the 4-hour-each-night conversations I've had with him so far.

Happy.

Forgiving and accepting.

Patience.

Honesty.

Good empathetic listener.

Confident but humble.

Intelligence.

Respectful.

Good family values.

I can't say that I'm not intrigued. He seems like a big-hearted wonderful person that I'm happy to call friend. His words and his actions seem to make him a genuine, amazing man.

I look forward to evaluating this further when we go out on our first date next week.

Oh I told him about the blog too. He didn't even ask to know more.

"You'll tell me what you want to tell me when you're ready."

Nice.

---

I wonder how many relationships have sprouted out of nowhere due to Facebook?

Surely there's a study somewhere.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

T's Toybox

In honor of masturbation month, the gang at Eden Fantasys have kindly offered to sponsor my blog for the next 90 days.

Check out the link to their sexy new online magazine in my sidebar. The online magazine is a wonderful resource for articles on many different facets of sex, health and the body (including erotica and a forum). Plus you can peruse their inventory of sex toys...

*Ahem*

Speaking of sex toys...

One of the first things offered to me by Eden Fantasys was my choice of sex toys to try out and review
.

Um, twist my arm.


---

First up, the Dream massager G-spot vibrator.



What a wonderful new addition to T's Toybox.


I have never owned a g-spot vibrator before so I was curious.

The g-spot is a fairly new find for me as well, I will admit.


There is a particular position that I love...




I'm on top and positioned in just the right way that my g-spot is hit perfectly by the head of my lover's cock. I also get amazing clitoral stimulation in this position. It nearly always leads to simultaneous orgasms.

You can't beat that.

One of the first things I loved about this toy was the color. This color purple is scrumptious to me. Something about jewel tones... makes me feel all yummy inside!

The Dream massager is shaped like a woman. Nice curves. Smooth. Firm. Soft.

Some of the reviews I'd read said that there were problems with the batteries lining up. Some said they had difficulty getting it to work.

They must have fixed the problems because it buzzzzed immediately when I put in the two double A batteries.

Am I the only single woman who always has a healthy supply of double A's?

The vibration goes from low to high but even at its lowest speed, the Dream massager uses every bit of power that those two batteries can muster. At any speed, this vibrator was still quiet enough that I could partake and not wake up the house.

Well, not with the vibrating noise.

I always like to run a vibrator over my body before I really give it a go where it counts. I love to feel the vibrations over my neck, breasts, stomach, thighs... by that point I'm already in a heavy pant and ready to experience the real thing.

But in this case...

I slipped the Dream massager in and immediately enjoyed the pointed tip. Like the tip of a finger, I could move it around and find the perfect point of pleasure.

Oh my!

I'd never had my g-spot vibrated before. What an amazing feeling!

I also like to tease myself though. Every time I would near orgasm, I would slide the toy out and away and use the finger-like tip to vibrate around my clit. Then I would slide it back in and find that glorious spot again. (Isn't that what the "g" stands for?)

It didn't take long at all before I was in full, back-arching orgasm.

Then, in my exhaustion, I started laughing and singing the praises of my new toy...

My new favorite toy.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Every single mom needs one... (part 4)


A liberating end to a relationship.

I feel as if I've turned a corner on mourning. I can't even explain it.

Where I was once fantasizing about the gloriousness of the "good times" in my relationship, I am now acknowledging the "bad times" that ended it as well.

Maybe I'm seeing it as more of the reality that it was - rather than the sparkly fantasy that had my head spinning for so long.

Either way, I'm not feeling bad about it. I'm just... looking at it differently.

I feel as if I'm getting my power back.

---

When I think of my life, from the age of 12, I realize that I have always longed for, fantasized about, or pined away about someone.

ALWAYS.

There was rarely, if at all, a time in my teen/adult life where I didn't have some male on my mind! It was a rock star or a crush at school. It was a boyfriend or a husband. It was a friend-that-I-wished-was-more or it was a soldier.

I've spent more brain power wanting someone to love me than actually loving myself!

Something good is happening here... and it wouldn't have happened had I not gone through the pain of loss.

---

I mentioned before that I thought much of my self-confidence came from being in a relationship.

Now that I'm single again, it felt a little strange at first. I didn't feel comfortable. I felt insecure. Lonely. Sad.

I'm beginning to stretch my arms out to fully embrace this new skin.

The funny thing is, I've been here before. I found an old blog post from December 2007 and I even referred to it as new skin then too!

Perhaps each phase simply continues to offer more and more growth.

---

At this moment, I actually feel truly single.

I don't feel like I'm mourning the loss of my past relationships.

I am not presently "crushing" on any one person in particular.

I have no idea what is going to happen next.

It feels unbelievably, liberatingly fantastic!

Because when I think back over all of the loves in my life, they all came to me exactly as they were supposed to and when they were supposed to. So apparently, someone else is in charge of this thing.

All I have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

---

I asked the Magic Buddha another question today:

"Will I be single for long?"

As expected, his answer was perfect:

"Smile."

I certainly am!

It is the month of self-love anyway, isn't it?



Every single mom needs one... (part 1), (part 2), (part 3)

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Soccer Mom

My daughter Rose has decided that soccer's not for her.

She gave it a try in the fall and spring but she didn't seem to enjoy it as much as we'd hoped. Maybe we'll try it again in a year or two.

Meanwhile...

Since she was part of a soccer league, we were invited to attend a game by the local major league soccer team, FC Dallas. Mom, the kids and I went to a game late last fall and had a blast! Since the season has started again, one of the account executives from the team's office has been pursuing me to go to another game.

Ok, maybe not pursuing me but he has been calling about special offers available to the children in the soccer league.

I say HELLS to the YEAH!

While I was in Europe, my friends, who are huge Man United fans, kicked my love of the sport to a whole new level.

And because my hormones are raging and I'm at some sort of sexual peak, I've decided to share with you all some soccer eye candy.

(Pardon my lack of maturity today. Consider it inspiration for the contest I'm having.)

We've already covered my admiration for Cristiano Ronaldo:



Then Beckham... holy underwear ads! Or abs?! Sheesh!



Oh but then there's his wife, Victoria. Wow. I'd gladly crawl in between the two of them. (Yeah, I said it. You were thinking it too.)



But speaking of beauty and soccer, check out this supposed photo of the Brazilian women's soccer team. Hello! (I'm feelin' dirty...)


And this hunk I've only just recently discovered. Yummy Seattle Sounders' player named Freddie Ljungberg (who was just in town this weekend).

Are all hot soccer men underwear models?




It may be a while til I'm cheering my daughter on the sidelines again. Maybe Grace will give it a shot next. She enjoyed kicking the ball around with me while at her sister's practices.

Until then, I'll be cheering on the sidelines where the pro's play and I'll give the term "soccer mom" a whole new meaning.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Skin


When the ex and I were first dating, he would say sweet things to me like, "Your skin is so soft. Do you bathe in rose milk?"

Well, to a 19 year old girl experiencing her first relationship, I was swooning.


Years later, we were married and discussing this very topic:

T:
"You used to tell me that my skin was soft. You don't say that anymore."

Ex: "T, it's different now. We're not newly dating and now it's... wife skin."

---

I've been in a very weird place since returning from Europe.

I realized that I've been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

This is completely not like me. I am a very self-aware, confident, happy person.

What the hell is happening to me?!

I really think that much of my confidence came from being in a relationship.

This "being single" thing... is new to me. I'm not sure how to do it.

---

It doesn't help that I've been reeling in Soldier-ville again.

I was feeling much better about it and then....

Yep, you heard it. He sent an email to his "family and friends" with an update on a charity marathon we'd all donated money towards.

The marathon was to be in London, the same week I was in Europe.

He was unable to do the marathon due to an injury. I knew he was injured but still worried about running into him at the airport. It turns out, he changed his plans and vacationed in Italy instead.

While I was in Germany, Soldier was in Italy.

The pathetic part is that all I could think of was, "Who did he go with?" and "Why wasn't it me?"

*sigh*

Now that I've had a day to think about it, I feel that my frustration with this Soldier situation is because we are not speaking. We are not friends.

I am not even sure if he likes me anymore!

This is odd for me. I haven't been here before.

Being single AND having an ex that doesn't like me? This is completely new skin!

---

I was hesitant about putting up the post from yesterday.

I'm not sure why. Perhaps fear of being judged. Just... fear.

I've said before that this blog documents my explorations, both sexually and spiritually. I am not ashamed of what I have experienced with either.

I know that some people will turn away when I reveal the truth of who I am.

And that's ok.


Those that want to know more will continue to read here. Just as those that want to know me, will stick around to find out more.

I've always been a pleaser. I want everyone to like me. I'm now realizing that my wish for that... is very detrimental to my state of being.

---

Perhaps the reason I have been uncomfortable in this skin is because I am between shells.

A therapist once mentioned this to me:
A hermit crab inhabits a shell. Then it outgrows the shell and has to find a larger one. In the meantime, in between shells, the hermit crab is vulnerable and unprotected.


My sweet Pickle Boy told me that I will just have to accept that I have a weakness for Soldier and it may last awhile.

He's right. Why should I judge myself so harshly for mourning a man that was promised to marry me? Of course I will be sad. Of course, I will still wonder "what if."


I still don't feel like dating but I would still like a relationship. Eventually.


I recognize that I am single and I'm learning to accept that.


The relationship with Soldier can't be helped. I can't force anyone to like me or accept me. They either will or they won't.


In the meantime, I can still feel confident in the relationship I'm currently in. The one I don't have to worry about ever losing:

The relationship with my Self.

---

So in this new skin, I may I feel vulnerable. Unprotected. Maybe oversexed (undersexed?). Perhaps I'm a bit co-dependent. Maybe a little too much for some.

It's the skin I'm wearing right now. It's not wife skin. (Heh.) But it's my skin.

I will accept it. I will enjoy it. I will pamper it.

Maybe a nice rose milk bath is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Single. Bisexual. Triathlete.

1)

I've had sex with women.

As a matter of fact, I've had sex with nearly the same amount of women as men.

(Not many of either.)

However, the encounters with women were for fun experiences but not long term relationships.

Does that make me bisexual?

I haven't actively sought out women to have sex with. These women are my friends. And some of them are married. My being with them was something that was discussed and approved before it occurred.

A few of them have told me that, after having sex with me, their married sex lives improved.

I wonder....

Could it be that we forget our sexiness when we're married?

Maybe they felt more comfortable exploring their sexuality because they are already in the security of a heterosexual relationship?

Perhaps the experience with me allowed them to feel sexual but didn't take away from the relationship with their husbands?

I can't explain it but their sex lives improved while I stayed:

Single.


---


2)

I'm curious about this term bisexual.

I posed this question on Twitter after reading this article on Blogher:

Do you think bisexual means you don't have a relationship preference for either sex? Or does it mean that you just have sex with both sexes?

@bnroberts
said:

"Most bisexuals I know actually prefer one sex, but enjoy sex with either, or both at same time"


@dbllife205
said:

"for me the term means, that I like to play with both sexes, although I prefer one to the other for LTRs"


Mindy at SingleMomSays said:

"I think the word itself suggests it is a sexual thing"


Pisces Hanna chimed in to say:

"I think there's 3 types of bisexuals: 1- people who really don't have a preference (or who like everyone), 2- people who are on the way to being gay, 3- nymphomaniacs."

She also directed me to the trailer for the movie Outrage. The movie documents many American male politicians who consistently vote against gay rights but are actually gay (bisexual?) themselves.


It was on the SexyRunners website that I saw this Kinsey scale about the continuum of human sexuality:

0- Exclusively heterosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual


Are the lines for sexuality just getting more and more blurred?

I wonder if sexuality is questioned as much in other countries or if this is a puritanical American thing?

Do we need a label on it in order to feel more comfortable with the idea of sex?



At the very least, it seems that many women have an attraction to other women but may have never acted upon it. I even know a few men that may have bisexual attractions.

I sometimes have sex with women, but prefer a man for a long term relationship. I love cock.

But if there's a label for me, would it be:

Bisexual?



---


3)

Speaking of labels, I have less than 4 weeks until my first sprint triathlon.

I am excited about securing the label triathlete to the list of labels for T.

Aaaannnnddd to pull all of this together, I offer the following pic:




Heh.

I swear I'm going to get this t-shirt.

Neither my family nor my bi-curious or heterosexual
friends wouldn't be surprised at all.

Honestly.

Are you?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Victim or hero

When I'm not feeling well, like the past few days, I tend to get very depressed.

I mean, when does a working single mom get to be sick?

The entire time I'm lying in bed, I'm thinking "I should be working" or "I should be doing laundry" or "I should be paying bills" or "I should go get the kids".

I need to stop shoulding on myself!

All that I really wanted was for someone to take care of me, do those things for me or at least tell me that everything would be ok.

I guess we all go through times when we feel victimized or resentful of our situations.

But it passes. Right?

---

There is a lady that I work with who sways from playing the victim to playing the hero with no in-between!

I feel bad for her. She is an unmarried, 59-year-old, miserable cat-lady.

The thing is, I think you can be an unmarried, 59-year-old, happy cat-lady, can't you?

She just isn't. She sucks energy out of a room and drags everybody down. The guys who office near her say that she's either complaining or talking like she knows everything.

She always wants to be right.

I wish I could help her but I can barely tolerate being around her too. I can't stand when she comes in my office because she won't detect the social cues of "Ok, the conversation is over now." Instead she will stand there and stare at me until I actually say, "Ok, the conversation is over now. I need to get back to work."

She takes everything personally. She will literally walk the office and tell everyone when something good happens to her (like if she has a date) or if something bad happens to her.

I know she's lonely. I realize she's miserable.

Oh my goodness. I do my best to be nice to everyone but I don't know how to handle this.

But my wanting to help her.... doesn't that make me just like her? Wanting to be right too? Who am I to judge anyway?

Does my wanting to "fix" people really help anyone?

---

I suppose I have a difficult time because I can relate to her.

I have moments of loneliness. I have moments of misery. I have been known to take things personally. I have moments when I want to walk the office and brag about something wonderful that happened to me (like if I have a date). And when I'm having a difficult time, you can see it written all over my face.

The CEO comes into my office every day to tell me his "hero stories". He's very proud of how he runs the company and he likes to brag about it.

He recognizes this about himself. He understands that not everyone wants to hear it.

I actually ask him about them because I enjoy watching him light up.

I also don't mind being a sounding board for others when they are feeling lonely or miserable.

I think we all have moments of victimness or heroism.

But what do you do - or do you do anything - when someone is so stuck on one extreme or the other?


I suppose all that I can do is stop judging and recognize that she is nothing more than a reflection of myself.


Wanting someone to tell me that everything will be ok

OR

Wanting to be right.

Seeking reassurance

OR

validation.

Victim or hero.

Monday, May 11, 2009

To inspire you

To lighten things up after yesterday's post, and since I'm still feeling under the weather, I thought I'd go for short and sweet.



From one of the best Seinfeld episodes EVER.

See? Don't you want to enter The Contest?

This is when its hard....



The sad news this morning is about an apparent murder/suicide among U.S. Soldiers at Camp Liberty in Baghdad, Iraq.

A U.S. Soldier opened fire on 5 other soldiers.

What's hard... is that was the post where Soldier was deployed.

He just left there in February!!

I couldn't even read it without instantly tearing up. I'm not sure why. I'm home ill today; I think its a cold. So, of course I'm already not 100% ok.

When I hear about things like this, I want to contact him so badly. I keep thinking, "It could have been him! It could have been him!!"



He said all year that he had such a difficult time there, that he had to hold it together for his men.

And now.... this?

It could have been him... oh my heart hurts so bad.

This makes me so very very very sad. I can barely type this.

My heart goes out to the families of those soldiers. Please PLEASE pray for them...

At Camp Liberty in December 2008


***Update: Apparently the American Army sergeant killed five other American soldiers before he was detained. Col. Jack Jacobs has an interesting perpective on this. (And I think Soldier would agree.)***

Sunday, May 10, 2009

My Mother's Day

Grace is walking around the house with a guitar singing, "Don't Stop Believin'".



I'm sorry. That's just too damn cute.

---

Rose is making a TV for her Barbies using a piece of cardboard from the back of a notebook.



My sister and I used to do that. Our parents owned a distributing company that delivered cakes, cookies and pies to grocery stores. We always had boxes. We never had a Barbie Dreamhouse. We used a cardboard box, markers, and whatever leftover material my mom had from sewing.

We used our imaginations.

(And no, we didn't walk to school barefoot, in the snow, uphill both ways...)

---


I've seen the question being asked, "Does your ex-husband do anything or help the kids do anything for you for Mother's Day?"


I honestly couldn't remember. I actually had to go back to last year's post to see that yes, he actually did do something.

Ya gotta love blogging for that reason, if nothing else.

When we talked on Friday night, he asked me what our plans were. We were going out for a Mother's Day brunch with my sister, her family, my mom, her husband and my brother.

"Can I join you?" he asked.

He showed up with a gift. I was completely surprised. And the gift...

He bought me The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I have wanted to read that book for ages and I mentioned it to him briefly last week. He also gave me a gorgeous amethyst crystal.



I love that he knows me.... knows how I love books... knows how I love gemstones.

I seriously have the best ex husband ever.

---



At the brunch, we ate til we couldn't hold anymore and then sat outside and enjoyed the jazz quartet. I loved that they started their set with Henry Mancini's Pink Panther theme. That song totally drew my children into enjoying a jazz band.



---

The girls have made me cards and little trinkets all weekend long.

I am happy that they enjoy being creative and imaginative. We did rent Marley and Me last night. I warned them about the ending but they insisted we watch it.

We were all in tears at the end. Of course.

But we got in lots of snuggle time.

---

I've been feeling a little more at peace with things.

Although I can barely watch the goings on between Dr. Owen Hunt and Christina on Grey's Anatomy. It just looks too familiar and leaves me upset every time.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to watch Army Wives when the new season starts on June 7.

I took down my two online dating profiles. I just feel done.

I was in the very same place when Soldier came back into my life in August 2007.

I don't know how long it will last. I'm sure I'll have moments of anger or longing again. But for now I'm OK.

I am single. I am a mother. And I am OK.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

As a mom...

As a mom, my life changed the instant I saw the plus sign on the stick.

As a mom, I judge myself harshly.... starting when I became what felt like the sole protector of a little life.

As a mom, I wondered how I could possibly ever love something as much as I loved my first child. Then my heart doubled in size when the second one came along.

As a mom, I try to explain to fresh little minds that not everyone thinks the same thing or has the same rules. But the people who don't think like us aren't bad, just different. And we have to respect the differences.

Still... as a mom, I have to question the intentions of everyone. I sit with my kids and watch things like Safe Side Superchick because my 4 year old said that she would absolutely go home with a stranger if that person had a puppy to show her.

*sigh*

As a mom, there are days when I have to be mom and dad. Sometimes, it is so overwhelming that I feel like a bad mom for getting angry, wanting to run away or simply thinking that 'this is so hard.'

As a mom, I find that I'm reliving things that I take for granted. I have to smile at my daughters' amazement that the moon follows us home. Or when my 7 year old reads me a Dr. Seuss book that I'm sure I read as a 7 year old too.

As a mom, I often wonder if my best is good enough for the world that my girls will grow up in. Then there are those days when I'm not even sure my best is worth much of anything.

As a mom, I pray, cry, struggle, launder, cook, clean, doctor, drive, teach, shelter, discipline, cuddle, tuck in, yell, giggle, disappoint, soothe, pray some more... and love like I've never loved before in my life.

As a mom, I've learned to appreciate my own mom for her selflessness, unyielding trust and love.

As a mom, there is one day where the rest of the world stops and says, "Thank you for all that you do."

As a mom, I want to reach out to all of the moms and dads in my life and say,

Thank YOU for all that you do.

Happy Mother's Day.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Watch this



I love Paul Rieckhoff (he does bald very well!) .... and the work he does for IAVA. I've had a link to their site on my side bar for almost a year now.

Their goal is to help make more people aware of the issues of deployed soldiers who are returning home.

And as you all know, I'm painfully aware of issues with a deployed soldier who returned home!

Even if you don't watch the video, which is hilarious by the way, go visit their website and Support Your Vet.

Thanks all.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Tantrums

I use as many opportunities as I can to remind my girls that sometimes we don't get what we want.

Although... we usually get something better later.


I'm not trying to be negative but I want to raise children who understand that sometimes you have to roll with the tides in life. There is a plan and sometimes, we don't always have a say in it.

Sometimes they handle these lessons fine. Other times, when they want something really bad, they pout, stomp their feet or throw a little tantrum.

Lately I've been feeling a little angry too.

I've realized that I'm angry at God. And it's me who's pouting and throwing a tantrum.


---

I don't have much patience with people in my life lately.


It seems that so many in my life are too... flighty. They'll say one thing and then won't come through. They'll offer help and then "Oops! I forgot!". Or they want to see me but "My husband doesn't want me to go out."

I get it. My life and my stuff isn't what's most important to them. I completely understand.

But this is why I won't ask for help.

I guess I get tired of being let down.

---

I don't want to date.

I have so many in my life that are curious about my "love life". When I tell them that I'd rather stay home and snuggle in bed with a book, they're all surprised.

Yes, I'd like a relationship. But I still have to get over the last one. I'm sorry that it's not happening fast enough.

Believe me!

---

I suppose that I'm pissed that things with Soldier didn't work out the way I thought they should.


After being surrounded by soldiers last week and a sweet, loving newlywed couple, I've been feeling down since then. And I just don't have anything to give... to my friends, to other people in my life, much less to the whole dating thing...

A Course in Miracles asks: Would you rather be right or happy?

I will stop my pouting and tantrums soon. I know it will pass.

---

Ironically, I'm enjoying the emails and comments on my masturbation contest.

As I've said before, sometimes when I get restless, either masturbation or meditation helps me. Right now, I'm pure ego, completely of-the-body.

So, I'll go with it.

---

Even more ironic than that, is how much being around my children is helping me.

Usually, when I am in this restless place, I am a horrible mother. I have no patience. I just want to be alone. I don't want to do anything with them.

But lately, I am just relishing in them!

Maybe a week away in Europe did me some good after all.

They both seem to have grown up a little while I was gone. And the things they say! They're just so making me laugh...

---

The girls and I are all in dire need of haircuts.

The last time we all went in, Grace perked up when the stylist asked if she wanted bangs. I said no. She looks cute with her little bob and her hair all the same length.

After I made our appointments with my stylist, I told them on the drive home from school today.

T: Ok girls. I made an appointment for us to get our hair cuts on Saturday.
Grace: Yay! Mommy can I get a bang?

So, um, yeah. I guess she's getting bangs this weekend. I can't wait to see her cute little face!

---

Rose is reminding me more and more of a little "t" every day.

Last night while walking through the grocery store, she was talking about her week at Grace's preschool. Rose's school was closed this week due to the swine flu scare.

Rose:
Mom, there are several boys at Grace's school who are trying to impress me.
T: (stifling a giggle) Oh really?! So... are you impressed?
R: Not really, no. I mean, they're like 4 and I'm like 7.

---

So, I am embracing my angry, silly little angst right now. I am celebrating how I can't seem to get any satisfaction from anything or anyone right now. I fully accept that I need people in my life to step up because I'm too tired to reach out. And I am going to enjoy masturbation month to the fullest extent!

I'm also remembering that I'd much rather be happy in life than always getting my way.

Because I can't see further than the joy that's right in front of me.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Masturbation Celebration

That's right. If you haven't heard yet, May is...

National Masturbation Month!

Not that it shouldn't be celebrated every month!

I like masturbation. I try to celebrate it daily.

In fact, sometimes I can't help but do it, even in the riskiest of places.

---

My office at work is in the front of the building. One wall of my office is a giant window that looks out upon the parking lot.

Some days I enjoy looking out at powerful Texas spring thunderstorms. I watch my co-workers come and go in the mornings, evenings and at lunch. If I'm in dire need of a break, I will sit and watch the squirrels play in the giant pecan trees that shade the parking lot.

But sometimes, those windows become an audience to a willing exhibitionist who can't help herself.

While catching up on my blog reading today, I stumbled across this. Then I saw this and wow, even this.

Then suddenly, my breathing turned shallow and my hips began to squirm.

The door to my office is open. The blinds on the window expose all the goings on behind my desk. Anyone could walk in. Everyone can see me... but I couldn't help it.

I had to touch myself.

---


What about you?

Has there ever been a moment, or recurring moments, that you knew you could possibly get caught but your hands wandered to the throbbing needs that overwhelmed you? Have your pants ever gotten so tight that you just had to reach in and release the tension lest you explode?

Fill me in!!!



Leave me a comment with a great scenario, story or brief summary of your riskiest masturbation moment. Where is the riskiest place you've ever masturbated?

Come on now! We all do it.

You could win a $50 coupon to Eden Fantasys!

Use the $50 towards a wonderful new sex toy (they have great toys for women and men), an erotic film or book, even lingerie, condoms and party favors!

Feel free to email me your story if you're too shy to comment. Just remember that your story will be shared (but I can keep you anonymous) when I announce the winner.

---

My girlfriend Marie's mom always said, "Masturbation is a gift from God."


Celebrate it, my friends. Hand over fist!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Spring Cleaning: What I love...

While cleaning my office over the weekend, I found something else that I'd written. This time on May 26, 1999.

On that date I was a 29 year old successful systems engineer at a large consulting company. I was also married for 6.5 years and cheating on my husband.

I'm not sure who I wrote this about.

It could have been my husband but something tells me that it wasn't. I could have been describing the man I was having an affair with. I could have also written this about my friend D. I don't recall anything in particular about that time in my life except that I felt very much in love with all three men.

Let me repeat that.

I was in love with three men.

*sigh*

It was also about this time that I started taking anti-depressants. Nuff said.

What amazes me, however, is that I was married and yet I wrote this as a list of traits that I would ask for now. I suppose that even then, I knew what I needed in a relationship.

But what was so wrong that I didn't acknowledge the relationship I was already in?

I also love the "remember" part... that I was on a quest to find myself, even then. I suppose the quest for T is ongoing and always has been.

---

What I love...

  • Not just pacifying but willing to work with me through whatever's bothering me
  • Unselfish
  • Real - no game playing
  • Allows me to be me
  • Is genuinely interested in what makes me who I am
  • Is genuinely interested in my likes and dislikes
  • Wants to help me in my search to be whole but understands my weak times and weaknesses
  • Listens to me
  • Appreciates my everything: spirituality, personality, intelligence, sensitivity, strength


Remember:
  • You can't be everything to anybody or everybody - ONLY yourself!!!
  • Find your peace within. No one else can do it for you OR give it to you.
  • Your peace is your strength
  • You WILL be okay!!!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Spring Cleaning: Perpetual discontent

Over the weekend, I took the time to catch up on some spring cleaning. While cleaning my office, I came across the following poem.

Written by me on May 27, 1992 at 12:00 p.m.

On that date I was 22 years old and happily discussing marriage with the ex. We married in December of that same year.

But... you tell me, can you sense the loneliness I was already feeling?


The clouds crowd together
Loud thunder echoes in the canyons
Streams of great light are allowed to escape
Only to crash heavily upon the already desperate land.

Earth opens its arms
Inviting to the tiny droplets
Hoping to fill her despairingly
Hopeless need of quenching.

She stretches, reaching out to the heavens above...

HELP ME

What or how much
more can she take
before she is gone forever?

How can she fill the emptiness
that bestills the fires burning
deep inside her very core?

When will she finally
feel contented?

No more longing...
Nor more thirsting...
No more wanting...
Only peace.


Hmmmm... I could very well write the same thing now.

Perhaps I should simply choose peace now instead of waiting for it?

"Give me peace, love, peace, love, give me peace, love, and a hard cock."
~Tori Amos

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Jealousy

While in Germany, being around my friend Lou Lou and her husband prompted a depth of thought that surprised me.

They reminded me of the early days of my marriage to the ex.

I am fortunate to have a very good relationship with my ex-husband, despite the hurts of ending a marriage. While we certainly have moments that re-enforce our reasons for no longer cohabitating or being matrimonially involved, there were good memories that still bring a smile to my face.

Even the CEO at work, who loves to analyze relationships and personalities, says that the type of man that I will be attracted to will have many of my ex-husband's traits.

"But with out the defects." he reminds me.

---

One of the funniest moments with Lou Lou and her hubby was when we were watching a Manchester United soccer game in Amsterdam.

She and I had already admitted to a mutual affection for Johnny Depp. When her husband overheard us, he said something macho about how he'd promptly "kick some ass" should Johnny Depp get near his wife.

I found this amusing because every couple I know has that one person with whom they would allow their spouse an intimate evening.

"Yeah, I'm allowing her one person to be with. Me."

So as we're watching the soccer game and a beautiful creature by the name of Cristiano Ronaldo whips off his shirt in disgust during the game, Lou Lou and I both perked up in excitement.

Her hubby was none too happy (but purely laughing it off.)

But seriously folks, can you blame us?



His reaction to our interest in the two desirable, and completely unattainable, men was funny to me. Mostly because I didn't witness much jealousy in my own marriage.

Was my ex-husband's lack of jealousy a defect?

---

I found it endearing that Lou Lou and her husband were so attached and loving to each other.

I had an affair while married that my ex-husband never found out about. He was so not observant and trusting that he never noticed any signs. I had even kissed other men in front of him and he did not so much as blink. We considered open marriage and/or swinging on many occasions.

Still, he knew that he was my first love and my first... well, everything. He was also gone most of the time traveling on business.

Maybe that is why he was more open-minded?

Maybe that is why, when I finally admitted to my affair, he simply stated that he understood and was otherwise unmoved?

I often found myself wondering and asking my husband if he really loved me.

Would his being more protective and more jealous have proved his love to me?

Soldier was extremely jealous. Even of the ex. I knew that wouldn't work for me either. I have lots of male friends in my life.

He'd have to get over it.

Fast.

Surely there's a happy medium somewhere.

Then again, I loved my ex for being so trusting of me. I never had any intention of breaking that trust. I take full responsibility for looking outside of my marriage, and myself, for fulfillment. I suppose it was attention-seeking behavior at its worst.

My ex-husband was exactly what I needed for that time in my life. And I think he knew that he was always #1 with me.

It was when he was no longer #1... but came second to my children, that our marriage began to fail.

Sad. But true.

Sizzlin' hot photo of Mr. Ronaldo was found here.