Thursday, July 30, 2009

Anal Sex Month

Well, we celebrated Masturbation Month in May with a contest, a sex toy review and some sizzlin' masturbation stories.

Now it has come to my attention... *ahem* ...that August is Anal Sex Month!

This weekend and next week are kind of keeping my brain busy....

But there is NO WAY I can miss sharing this with you all!!!

While researching this topic, I came across some really fun public service announcements from the early years of the Anal Sex Month campaign.

For your enjoyment:


Anal Sex Month Promotional advertisement from 1951



Anal Sex Month promotional advertisement from 1944



Anal Sex Month promotional advertisement from 1937



Oh my! It makes me smile to see things like that.


---

In all seriousness, I do like to use this blog as a place of sharing information about sex.

I assume everyone likes learning more about something I know we all enjoy. Last year, I read a wonderful book where I learned more than I ever knew about anal sex:



Here's a quick video snippet that the author did while promoting her book as well:




I feel empowered with information. I feel safe when I'm exploring. I need a sense of security, even when it appears I'm doing something outside the box.

What about you guys?

I've noticed that you all aren't shy about what you like.

Do you enjoy anal?

Have you ever wanted to try it but have too many questions?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dinner with the beast




We'd spent the evening with others and did our best to resist each other.

Usually, within minutes of being around each other, we're both naked. Funny, it actually feels strange to wear clothing with him around.

Finally alone, he went to the kitchen to pour me some wine. As he stood at the counter in his khaki shorts, I walked in, wearing lacy boy shorts and a smile, and ran my fingers along his powerful shoulders.

He melted.

He turned to me and kissed me. His breathing was shallow and quick. He left me for an instant and walked to the kitchen table. In one flawless swoop, everything was scooted off to one side of the table.

I stood at the counter as he rushed back to my side, lifted me and laid me gently across the table.

Dinner was served.

He pulled up a chair, parted my legs and began savoring the meal he'd longed for during the past few hours. I'm not sure I have ever been devoured by a hungrier man. He seemed to absolutely revel in the wetness he had caused.

I was exposed and vulnerable, like helpless prey sprawled out for a famished animal.

I sat up and pulled him into me for a kiss. I loved the taste of me on his lips. He had already shed the rest of his clothing and was ready for his next course.

With his large hands, he pulled my ass to the edge of the table and impaled me roughly. That first thrust always takes my breath away.... I wrapped my arms around his strong neck and shoulders and he lifted me from the table. My knees were hooked in his elbows and he was bouncing me into him. The sound of slapping flesh and his guttural purrs were resonating in my ear. I was getting weaker with every second and I reached back for the table for security.

Perfection.

We were aligned in such a way that he could slide into me as quickly or as slowly as he wanted. My hands, the only things touching the table, kept me lifted, hovering inches above as he held my legs around his waist.

He was controlling the movement of my body.

He was fucking himself... with me.

I watched his face - sweat beads forming on his forehead, mouth parted in intense concentration and a look of awe as he drove his cock with exact precision into my now swollen pussy. I could tell that he loved what he was seeing.

But to see what I saw?

I saw his shoulder muscles completely bulge up like I have never seen before. I saw the biceps of his arms that were holding me and swinging me into him as if I were weightless. I saw his pectoral muscles throb with every pull of my body closer to his.

I no longer saw a man.

I saw a beast.

And as his assault grew faster and faster, I watched, overcome with ecstasy. He fell over me on the kitchen table groaning and growling loudly.

I looked at him in complete admiration. I wasn't even seeing him the same anymore. The only words I could utter were,

"Damn baby."

*swoon*



Picture from here

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Paying it forward... comes back!

I do my best to remain positive in stressful situations.

I also tend to notice rambling positive messages spewing from me when I notice others in stressful situations.

The cool thing is:

Sometimes.... these messages come right back to me.

---

This Sunday is my next triathlon.

The race includes a 800 m swim, 18.2 mile bike and 5 K run.

It is not like I haven't done a triathlon before but... I'll admit... I haven't been training near as much as I was previously.

I'm nervous but also very excited because I will have my children there this time! Gem is coming along and Jack will be there too!

---

Next Wednesday is my tummy tuck surgery.

I am looking forward to finally seeing the tight abdomen muscles that I work so hard for underneath that droopy skin.

The recovery, apparently, is not fun and no... I am NOT looking forward to that. I also have to think ahead because I will be limited in movement and strength for several weeks post-surgery.

---

When I think about these things looming over my head, I could easily get completely overwhelmed!


But I'm a big believer in: "We get what we give away."


So, out of the blue the other day, I received an email from another triathlete encouraging me with some inspirational triathlete blogs. I told him of my nerves and of the impending surgery.

He left me with these words:

"Stay positive. You will do fine on both accounts."



My friend and fellow triathlete, KK, also sent me an encouraging email regarding the tri:

"You'll do just fine, I'm sure. Just have fun with it and do the best you can. Relax and your body will respond, just like in your yoga."

And then regarding my relationship with Gentleman Jack, she added:

"Like the tri, take it easy and enjoy it. :)"



I had to laugh because wow, all of that sounds very familiar. I'm absolutely sure I've used these same words before.

Then again, we do teach what we need to learn...

Monday, July 27, 2009

Roses, signs, tooth tunes & some boom boom pow

I picked up my girls last night after they'd spent a week away with my mom. They actually spent the weekend with their dad, which I would think, they would enjoy.

Both of them were glued to me within seconds of my entering his house.

Then they presented me with these... because they missed me:



Rose picked out the pink ones and Grace picked out the red ones.

Yeah, my little girls can make me swoon sometimes too.

---

Sometime early last week, Mom told me that the girls were really scared when she would put them to bed.

I can understand that. They're in a place they're not familiar with.

Then Mom admitted that she let the girls watch the movie, Signs.

Are you freakin' kidding me?!

Now, I do allow my girls to watch movies that I can explain... so yeah, they've seen movies like E.T. . It freaks them out a little bit but they can handle it. But Signs?!?

That movie scared the crap outta me!

*sigh*

We're all trying to talk them down from that now. Thanks Mom!

---

I've been having difficulty getting Grace to brush her teeth on her own.

She's very impatient and the thought of brushing her teeth for at least a full minute leads to an all out thrown down of irritation on her part.

Then I found this:




Rose got a Cheetah Girls one and Grace went with MY personal fave:


(And yes, CBG, they even have KISS!)

Grace AND Rose were dancing in the bathroom last night, happily brushing their teeth. I was singing along too!

Thank GOD for creativity for parenthood.

Just sayin'.

---

It would be just my luck that a thunderstorm came rolling in right around bedtime last night.

*sigh again*

Both girls are already freaked out and didn't want to leave my side for a single moment. So, with every crash of thunder, they were jumpy and totally losing it.

Then it hit me.

Music.

Music, with us girls, ALWAYS makes things better.

So, I played this:



And then proceeded to explain that the thunder was the "boom boom" and the lightning was the "pow".

They giggled and after some snuggles from Mom, went to sleep quick and fast.

But they did cuddle up in one bed together and held hands all night long.

Thank God for sisterhood too.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Fall-in-lovable


With all of this talk about whether or not I'm falling in love with Gentleman Jack, I wondered how I would feel around him when I saw him in person on Friday night. Mostly, I wondered...

Am I open to it?

And besides, I'd spent the previous few days in a complete swoonfest on Twitter!

(Pardon my continued swooning. This is when my blog is truly like a diary to me. I have to record these memories for future smiles. I love to relive this stuff.)

---

After joining Jack, his son and his mother for a nice sushi dinner, we were finally alone, driving out to his mother's house.

Jack was holding my hand.

We were stopped at a red light when he lifted my hand to his cheek, closed his eyes, sighed and said, "I missed you."

My heart beat a little faster and... I felt a little tug of emotion.

---

Later we were lying in the afterglow of sex and candlelight and my head was resting on his arm. We weren't speaking but simply staring into each others' eyes.

He had purchased my favorite scented candle for his house. The scent reminded him of me and he knew I would enjoy it when I visited.

We had spent the evening with his freakin-cutest-little-boy-I-have-ever-seen son who followed me around all night saying, "Miss T! Miss T! Look at this! Watch me! Look at me! Miss T! Miss T!"

GJ's mother, who has heard everything about me from her adoring son, wanted to meet me. She had already friended me on Facebook and found that we had much in common. We chatted and giggled and bonded and my Gentleman ate it up.

Finally, Jack and I were alone and enjoying being together in his big comfy bed.

With all of the images of the night and the oxytocin still streaming through my post-coital body, I felt that "little tug" turn in to a full blown overwhelming emotion.

I couldn't breathe.

My Gentleman, ever the intuitive man, immediately held me and calmed me. I was sobbing and I couldn't do anything but melt into his arms.

Was this it?

Was I beginning to fall in love with him?

Should I?

---

The next morning, I woke up in a pool of sweat.

I must have had a bad dream because, though Jack was sleeping soundly next to me, I felt like I wanted to run away. I felt alone. Sad. Insecure.

What the hell am I doing?

I got out of bed and went to take a shower. As I stood there, with a gazillion thoughts running through my head, I felt arms around my waist and soft kisses on the side of my face.

He knew I was thinking too much. I tried to re-assure him that I wasn't future-tripping, as I'm known to do. No, this time it was different.

I missed him. I missed the man I talked on the phone with everyday.

What a weird feeling.

It made perfect sense to him. How the man can talk me through even the weirdest of feelings is completely amazing to me!

He understood that on the phone, we talk. A lot. We say things we feel about each other. We say things we want to do to each other.

In person, we demonstrate it.

"What the hell am I doing?" I asked him.

"You... are about to make love with a man that you love. Who loves you back. And who is one of your best friends in the whole world."

Yeah.

That's it.

In those few words, he brought me back to the present moment again.

---

I wonder, perhaps, if a long distance relationship makes the falling in love process take longer.

I wonder, perhaps, if the fact that we have been through painful breakups contributes to the fear of falling.

I wonder, perhaps, if, as we grow older and "wiser", we take a little longer to build trust in someone. Maybe we're not as naive as we once were.

All I know is that in my previous relationship, I felt alone much of the time. With Jack, I don't. And even when I try to isolate myself, he pulls me close. He reminds me that I am not alone.

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I feel accepted.

I feel respected.

I feel adored.

This doesn't feel difficult. I'm not trying too hard or working my ass off to please, as I've done before.

I am being myself and it appears, he is too.

I'm not sure what's happening. But I do know one thing:

He is definitely fall-in-lovable.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Keeping me sane

My girls have been with my mother all week. Because it is such a rarity that I don't have my children, I have been enjoying it immensely.

I think some single parents don't feel this way and so it comes with a little guilt that I declare that.

And then there was last night....

My mother called and said that Rose was "homesick". When Rose came on the phone, I was prepared to hear her tell me how she wanted to come home. I knew she'd say she wanted to sleep in her own bed. I wasn't prepared to hear:

"Mommy, every time I think of you I cry."

Did you hear that? Yeah, that was the sound of my heart breaking.

*sigh*

She'll be ok. We all need a break from each other, right?

Grace was all, "We're having fun, Mommy, but I wanna come to your house."

Then she got off the phone and I heard her laughing with her cousins.

Those two definitely keep me guessing.

---

This week I've been able to go to my A Course in Miracles study group and not need a babysitter.

I was able to go out with my friend, the Yoga Poet, and see a movie.

I went out with my cycling group and did an awesome 30 miler around the lake and the temperature outside was 85 degrees!! (Unheard of in Texas in July at 6:00 p.m.!)

I went to a yoga class that my best friend De was teaching and then went out with the yoga gang for a post-class beer.

I'm even considering a quick drive (yeah 3.5 hours) back to Louisiana for a visit with my Gentleman for a night. (He's so dang cute about it. He's very excited.)

I am really enjoying this! I needed this! This will make me a much better Mommy!

(please don't look at me like I don't love my kids...)

---

Next weekend, I have another triathlon in my hometown in Louisiana. I think Jack is even going to come cheer me on.

I'm really not even thinking about it much. I am doing what I can to train but I'm also feeling overwhelmed with other things that need to be accomplished.

Because 3 days after my triathlon, I'm having tummy tuck surgery.

The doctor has told me that I may not be able to exercise for up to 8 weeks. Dude. Exercising is what keeps me sane.

So, I'm gonna give that triathlon a run for its money because it may be my last hoorah for while.

And you guys, in the blogosphere, will be depended on heavily to keep me sane in the meanwhile.

(please don't hate me if I make no sense at all from August 5 - early October.)

---

And a big thank you to Susan for reminding me about our conversation a few months ago.

In her comment on yesterday's post, she said:

"A few questions you can ask yourself about this relationship are: "Does it make me feel loved? Respected? Safe? Like I can be myself without worry of being judged...or left? Do I like this person -- genuinely like being with him? Is this relationship 'easy'?...

I don't mean lazy or perfect by "easy." I mean all of the other things I mentioned above: acceptance, love, respect, fun, etc. No person or relationship is perfect, and all relationships require work. But I see now that a lot of my past "work" was trying to fit two people together who just weren't a good match. Fights and drama don't always have to be a part of a relationship.

The right person will make it seem mostly effortless.
"


Goodness, she's right. And I remember her describing her new relationship that way. And now she's marrying the guy.

Thank you, Susan, for reminding me that I don't have to try so hard to make my relationship with Gentleman Jack go one way or another.

---

It has been a great week of sanity for me. I'm definitely enjoying this.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Slow and steady

Would you know "the one" if he or she appeared in your life?

I've been thinking about this lately after my long distance relationship post the other day.

Alicia commented that Gentleman Jack must not be "the one" since I have not fallen in love with him thus far.

I love the blogosphere for helping me to see things differently.

When I thought about it, I felt worried. Maybe she's right. Maybe he's not "the one". But then it occured to me...

I thought Soldier was. Look at where that got me.

---

These thoughts made me reevaluate all of my past relationships when I knew that a certain someone was "the one".

My ex-husband.

Soldier.


A man that I was in love with for nearly 20 years who is one of my very best friends.

The man that I had an affair with.


In every one of those situations, I was absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt convinced that each of them was "the one".

So... what does that mean exactly? Can there be more than one "the one"?

---

I also noticed, with each of these past relationships, there was this sense of desperation and fear.

I needed to POSSESS the other person and I needed them to POSSESS me.

Soldier and I started planning a future with such a sense of fear and dire need. I was losing my father. He was going off to war. We clung to each other out of complete agony with life. We needed each other badly.

I collected him. Every correspondence he sent me, cards, letters, emails, gifts... I held on to each morsel as if it was my last dying breath. I STILL have all of those emails. I feel more comfortable with deleting them now. I feel a whole lot less desperate.

I have my Gentleman.

With Gentleman Jack, I feel like....

What's the rush?


I don't collect him. He is very consistent and honest and there for me. I feel so much less fear and SO much more LOVE. Our relationship is very slow and relaxed, as if we have all the time in the world. And honestly, if we do decide that we are going to take this into a lifetime together, there truly is no rush.

Our children will have to grow up first.

Or

Some other miracle of fate will have to happen that has one or both of us moving somewhere to be together.

Or

Who knows?

Jack and I both have fears about falling in love and relationships. I guess it's normal for two people at this stage in life, who have been through failed relationships so far. He readily admits his fear while I say that I'm not scared.

Maybe I am. Maybe I don't have a single clue what I'm talking about.

---

A Course in Miracles says, "I do not perceive my own best interests."

Maybe each one of those relationships were exactly what I needed at the time. And perhaps the fact that they didn't work out was exactly what I needed as well.

Would I truly know who is "the one" I'm destined to be with?

I think I may have given up on my idea of what defines "the one". I've been obviously wrong thus far.

Is it destiny that I be with one person for the rest of my life?

Should we search for a Mr. Right and force the issue that that person will be with you until you die? Even if one or both of you changes and is ready to move on? Or is every Mr. Right actually a perfectly fine Mr. Right Now?

Should we cling and possess and declare someone is perfect out of fear? Fear of lack of love or security? Or should we enjoy someone, accept them and the situation, and see the perfection in the "now" out of love?

Was my relationship with Soldier the "hare" in the race? And my relationship with Jack the "tortoise"?

Does slow and steady win the race after all?

How the hell do I know?



"Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love." — Khalil Gibran

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A better job...

Well, after the comments on the oral sex post from last week, I have asked a few of my readers to contribute their thoughts to a better blow job. And how to give a woman good oral too!

---

The best BJ I ever got was from a woman who first licked her hand and started giving me a handjob. She then alternated between her hand and mouth, and she was so silky smooth, I really couldn't tell when she was doing what. She used her mouth for moisture and feather light touches, and her hand for pressure and feather light touches. One key is that I didn't feel like she was trying to get me off. If a woman does that, it becomes mechanical, and she becomes impatient if I take my time cumming. Instead, I felt like she was worshipping my cock. That's different than craving it. Craving it is all about her. Worshipping it is all about my cock and my orgasm.

btw - deep throating is overrated. It's a parlor trick. If a woman takes me deep in her throat and swallows around my cock to massage it, it's a nice feeling. But it's just a stunt.

Silky smooth cock worship is the key for me.

---

I love to tease slowly. I enjoy exploring a man's body from the top down. I take my time with the face, neck, ears, chest, abdomen, upper thighs and sometimes even down to the toes.

I use my hair, my mouth, my breasts, my hands and my tongue to discover every inch of pleasure.

Once I get to his cock, I might slide my lips over it, as a tease. I will lower my face into the area between his upper thighs and nibble or breathe warmly on the area. I love to look up and see a man's face waiting in anticipation of what will happen next.

I like to hover above while my breasts tantalize the growing stiffness. I will kiss the head and slowly lick down the sides of his cock until his hips are practically rising to meet my mouth. Then I get wet. My mouth and my pussy.

I prefer to make the entire blowjob a very wet experience. I will take a man into my throat just to get my salivary glands working overtime. I love to get a man's cock so wet that my hands slide down easily over it and my saliva drips all the way down to his balls.

I love to take each ball in my mouth and suck tenderly or softly, depending on what my lover enjoys. I have been with men who also enjoy having their perineum licked or sucked. Some men even enjoy having their assholes licked and/or fingered. Everybody is different.

Pay attention. Ask your lover what they enjoy. And remember that not every man can cum from oral sex so don't get frustrated.

---

Giving BJ’s definitely turns me on. And I think a guy can tell when you’re really into it or just performing a “favor”. I get really worked up and wet getting him off like that and then can’t wait to feel him inside me. I climax vaginally so I will usually give a BJ before we have sex as foreplay (no cumming) so I can have the hardest, thickest – 1st cum cock, or I will give him one after we had sex (and he’s had time to “recover”). Sometimes tho a BJ is just a BJ but it always makes me want him inside me.

I use my hands on the shaft while I suck his cock, lick his head, and also play a bit with the twins…I move my body in rhythm aching to have him inside me (cuz I can’t help myself) and I put some mild pressure on the taint as he cums.

Seems to be appreciated…

Oh, and receiving? Hmmm. Only a couple guys have done that well, my last bf included. I don’t climax that way usually (since again it just makes me want his cock inside me) but it still feels damn good and is great foreplay. I think a woman needs to be comfortable and confident with herself to truly enjoy it – no inhibitions. When I was younger I was too self conscious but now I know better and let myself thoroughly enjoy it. A man that can do that well is a keeper.

---

Giving oral to a woman:
- Focus on the clit. Keep mental notes of when she squirms or makes a noise.
- Don't attack it unless she wants you to. Start slow...work it in a steady motion.
- Don't focus too much on that specific area, but repeatedly go back to it.
- Unless the pace picks up, there's no need to attack the pussy with your mouth AND fingers.
- Insertion needs to be a focused task. Don't just shove a finger in there unless the pussy and/or your finger is adequately lubricated.
- Tongue action is key. Again...focus on how she reacts to what you're doing. If there isn't any reaction, don't be afraid to ask at a later date what she enjoys.

Receiving oral from a woman:
- Wetter is better.
- Firm grips don't always mean more pleasure.
- Steady strokes with both the hands and the mouth.
- Remember the mouth needs to feel like a pussy, only with the added stimulation of the moving hand.

---

I've always been complimented on my oral skills by my lovers. I love giving head...it's such an intimate act between lovers, involving trust on both sides. I love being able to please my partner in this way. I love everything about it - the look, the feel, the taste...performing oral ALWAYS gets me hot and wet, fast. And in case you're wondering - yes - I swallow. Guys love that.

I think that the key is to keep it interesting, not the same way every time. Sometimes I just grab his cock and dive right in, when he might not necessarily be expecting it. Other times I'll tease him for a good long time before actually taking him into my mouth. "The tease" is always my favourite approach and never fails to get me wet. I like to start with him sitting, and me kneeling on the floor. At first I won't even touch him, I'll just look up into his eyes, and let him see how much I want him, how much I'm going to enjoy pleasing him. Then I will begin teasing him with my hair, letting it hang down, brushing the insides of his thighs, against his cock, but not touching him any other way...

I'll lift my head and look up at him again, usually with a naughty smile, so he knows that I plan to continue with my teasing. At this point I might take his cock in my hand (it's always rock hard at this point) and bring my mouth close to it...close enough so that when I part my lips he can feel my hot breath, desperately wanting to feel my mouth on him. My tongue flicks out against the tip, lightly at first, and then increasing in pressure. I'll slide my tongue up and down the sides of his cock, still not taking him all the way into my mouth. I'm usually able to tell by the sounds escaping his lips that he wants more. This is when I finally part my lips and slide him slowly into my mouth, as far as I can take him. That's when the blow job really begins.

I think it's important when giving oral to pay attention to your lover. He will let you know what he likes most with his breathing, his moaning, his gasps, his body movements. When I've found something that he likes, then I'm sure to do it again and again, while still making it interesting by varying the tempo, the pressure, the depth of my thrusts. Never underestimate the power of using your hand as an extension of your mouth. It does wonders. Also - eye contact. I always make sure that every now and again I look up at him while I've got his cock in my mouth - I know how much that turns him on...and it turns ME on, knowing that it's making him hot.

Also, I think people need to just have fun with it! For the first time ever we incorporated ice cubes into our oral play - I would slip one into my mouth for a few seconds to cool everything off, before sliding my mouth down over him. It made for a fun and interesting experience for both of us, and we'll definitely be doing it again. Oral doesn't have to be this big serious thing, it can be playful and fun, too...and should be!

When it comes to receiving, for me, it's all about the particular talent of my lover. I've had past lovers that just didn't understand the "art" of giving oral, and for me, it just didn't make for a magical experience. I'm lucky that my current lover is exceptionally talented in that area. He pays attention to the cues that I give (involuntary ones, I might add) and uses that to determine whether to keep going with something that he's doing, or to try something else. Another reason why he's so good is that he understands that keeping it interesting is important. Vary the tempo, the position. Use a finger or two now and again.

For me, receiving oral is more of a "warm up" for sex. Don't get me wrong, I love it when a guy goes down on me. But personally, there's nothing like the feeling of his cock inside me. Usually before I even get close to cumming, I grab him, pull him up, and beg him to enter me.

And when it comes to 69, I have to admit that I'm not really a fan...simply because I like to be able to concentrate on what I'm doing - either laying back and enjoying the talents of my lover, or focusing on making HIM feel good. When we're both giving and receiving at the same time it's not always easy to be able to do that.

---

Whew!

And on that note, I hope everybody learned something!

Feel free to continue the conversation below.

You know... in the comments.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Distance makes it awesome

After reading about Momma Sunshine and Canadian Bald Guy's difficult goodbyes, I had to compare it to my goodbyes with Gentleman Jack.

Jack and I haven't been through what those two have. Jack and I are not deeply in love with each other so...

For us, it really isn't that difficult.

Now don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I'm glad to see him go. In fact, it feels very strange right after he leaves because I want to immediately go back to texting him again. It feels strange because there'd be nothing for me to text him about except for... him.

It doesn't take us long, however, before we slip right back into our lives and normal communication methods again.

---

I am a planner by nature. Gentleman Jack is not.

As I've noted before, my personality temperament is melancholy (with a sanguine mask). Gentleman Jack is sanguine all the way.

I usually have a need-to-know what will happen next. Jack is very much a live-in-this-moment kind of man. Due to my sanguine mask and my spiritual studies, I know that I strive for this way of looking at life.

Whenever it is time for us to part, after a wonderful weekend together, my mind does, for a moment, go to "When are we going to see each other again?"

When I am thinking this question, he notices right away and asks why I think too much.

Heh. Good question.

His answer is always the same. "Baby, I don't know what will happen but I know that it will work out like it's supposed to. It has so far."

And suddenly, I feel better.

I do know that he's right. I also know that we will have moments until that next time that we WILL want to be together. Our love languages are the same. We both crave physical touch and quality time.

The best part is that we seem to take turns being weak and strong. It isn't consistently me or him. It feels very balanced.

However, we also know that we have no idea how much longer we will be able to do this.

So, we've decided to enjoy every moment until then.

---

I generally fall in love pretty quickly.

I'm not sure why but I have not fallen for Gentleman Jack. In fact, both of us have noted that we're not even sure our relationship would survive living in the same town.

Again, I realize it makes little sense. I would contribute it to a few things:

  • Independence - we both enjoy our independent lives. Neither of us has to explain how we run a household or parent our children. Obviously we're both aware of those things but we are able to stay objective because we are uninvolved in that way.
  • Less drama - believe it or not, we both feel that the distance is keeping the drama of becoming too attached at bay.
  • Different interests - Jack and I are alike in many ways, however we are different in just as many ways. I enjoy my alone time. He has to be around people. I ride my bike and swim. He lifts weights. He does fishing tournaments on the weekends and I do triathlons. We're both able to explore our interests without expectations, feedback or complaints from the other party.
  • No pressure - I think because Gentleman Jack and I are both single parents, we are enjoying each other as a pleasurable experience outside of our normal lives. We both have A LOT of responsibilities and demands on us and our time. We both enjoy the escape of talking to each other during the day and fantasizing with each other at night. Neither of us depends on the other for anything other than pleasure.

Again, we really have no idea what we're doing here. Maybe neither of us is really ready for a real relationship? Maybe this is exactly what we both need right now? We could continue like this for another week and call it off. Or we could do this for years. Who knows?!

All I know is that at this moment of time, I feel very secure, happy and content in a relationship for the first time in a VERY LONG time.

So, I won't question it if the distance makes it awesome.

I won't question it if my heart isn't longing for more of this man who is becoming my best friend.

I won't question it if I don't feel so bad saying goodbye to him, not knowing if that was the very last time we would make love, kiss or hold each other for no reason at all.

I'll just stick to this moment and take it as it comes.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

T's Toybox

When Drew at Eden Fantasys offered me yet another sex toy for review, how could I refuse?

The problem was in deciding which one to choose?

I am a fan of the vibrator. I own a few of different sizes and shapes. I also love a good dildo. Same deal. I have sizes, shapes and colors to please whatever mood I am in. How could I possibly top what I already own?

Voila!



I am not sure how many of my readers would be interested in a remote controlled double penetration vibrator. Personally, I didn't even know they made such a thing! But alas, I am always willing to take one for the team.

---

The Gypsy II was designed specifically for clitoral, anal and vaginal pleasure.

Upon reading the reviews, I was skeptical because of the jelly-like material of which it is made. My initial thought was that the anal part would need to be a little more sturdy to allow penetration of a more unwilling hole.

When I initially opened the box, the first thing I noticed was the smell. The toy definitely had a strong rubber/plastic smell to it. Perhaps this wouldn't be bothersome to most but I happen to have a very strong olfactory sense. I left the toy out for a day or two so the scent would dissipate.

The toy is very much a jelly dildo with holes in the bottom for placing two bullet vibes (included) that are attached to a wired remote control. Thankfully, there is enough wire that the remote could reach my hand. I was also intrigued by the knobbed area in front of the vaginal part for clitoral play.

I couldn't wait to see if this toy could indeed tease and satisfy three different areas of fun!

To prepare myself for trying out this new toy, I decided to hit up redtube (because come on, I know I'm not the only one who does).

As I sat in my office chair in front of the computer, I took off my panties and began to masturbate. I placed the toy in the chair and attempted to insert both dildos into their respective areas. As I suspected, the anal dildo was too soft to simply sit upon. Thankfully, the toy also comes with a tiny sample of lube to help things along.

It wasn't long before I was sitting comfortably on my new toy in my office chair while watching a few free porn double penetration videos.

Ya gotta love redtube.

I was enjoying the feeling of the toy but when I decided to turn on the vibration?

Whoa.


I will admit that I had to lean forward and/or pull the clitoral knobbed area closer to me in order to get the full effect. But to have the sensation of fullness, clitoral stimulation and vibration on top of all of that?

I was over and out in seconds.

---

I will admit that this was not a new favorite toy, unlike the last one - and since Gentleman Jack has been in my life - I haven't used it much.

But for those of you that want to try something WAY above and beyond a regular dildo or vibrator, hold on to your stockings!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

A real man



Have you ever been treated like a real lady by a real man?


If you would have asked me this question before this man - whose strong arms are represented above - came into my life, I would have said, "Sure I have!"

I've dated men who opened the car door for me, bought me flowers and dinner.

But now, I'm learning that a southern gentleman takes things even further than that.

---

I feel such a sense of mutual respect when I'm with Gentleman Jack.

When he was in town last weekend, I drove us everywhere. I live here and knew where we were going.

Every time we walked to my SUV, he would come to the driver's side, open the door, and help me into the driver's seat.

When we went to dinner, he insisted on pulling out my chair, sitting in the man seat*, ordering the wine, asking what I wanted and ordering for me. He showed exquisite dinner etiquette, even pointing out things that I never knew about fine dining.

He was very attentive when we were out, be it at a bar, restaurant, or clothing store. Upon admitting that he was in from out of town, he would be asked, "What are you in town for?'

Each time, his answer would be to point to me and say, "How could I not travel out of town for this?"

Then he would pull me into his arms and kiss my cheek or forehead.

He listens to me, completely aware of my thoughts, changes in facial expressions and body language. He responds with genuine concern for me.

He calls me "ma'am"... something I'll admit, took some getting used to. He answers questions with "yes, ma'am" or "no, ma'am".

He has a sweet southern drawl , uses phrases like "dad gum" and doesn't curse around me. (I'm trying to break him of this. Hee hee!)

He is gentle, protective and caring.

He calls me nicknames like "sweet pea" and "punkin".

And most amazing of all:

He treats everyone with the same respect with which he treats me.

---

This Gentleman Jack is completely raising the bar for the next guy to come into my life.

Damn straight!

I never thought much of being treated in this manner. I'm not even sure I would have taken a man like this seriously before. I am an independent, self-sufficient woman. My mom raised me this way. Even my own dad reinforced the belief that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

I wasn't raised to depend on a man.


Well I've learned that men just want to be the man. Because when they feel that way, they're empowered to nurture and respect you too.


We should all be treated with such dignity. We deserve it.

The best part of it is that I, for the first time in my life, agree with that last line.


What does the term "real man" mean to you?

Since being single, have you looked at the opposite sex differently than before?



*apparently, it is crucial that all men sit facing the door.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Sticky Subject

One of my girlfriends admitted to me the other day that she does not like giving blow jobs.

(Yes, it has been a while since I wrote about sex.)

A few of my male friends have also told me that they do not enjoy when a girl gives oral sex.

WTF?

---

My girlfriend, and apparently lots of women, are not fond of the penis.

Coincidentally, a year ago at this time, I wrote that many women aren't even comfortable saying the word 'penis'.

She specifically told me that she thinks it is not a particularly attractive body part to look at. All the while she said this, her face showed a look of complete disgust.

"And to put your mouth on it?" She shivered in recoil.

Really?

I am certainly not chiding her for her thoughts or feelings on this. This was simply a topic we'd not discussed before. I began asking other people and found that many wives won't do it and many women simply prefer not to.

---

A few of my male friends have told me that they cannot orgasm from oral sex.

Some men have told me that women do not know what they are doing and therefore, the act isn't always an enjoyable experience.

Is it just me that's thinking that you could always tell the person what you like?

Other men have told me that it is absolutely obvious that women do not like performing this act. Knowing that the gal isn't enjoying it, the man feels guilty and simply cannot get past it.

---

I've had some men tell me that if a women does not like giving head, they can usually tell by simply observing her comfort level with men.

Wow.

I am curious of your thoughts on this, men and women.

You are certainly welcome to comment anonymously if you don't feel comfortable stating your *ahem* taste or distaste of fellatio.

And for a really fun read, check out wikipedia's explanation on Oral Sex.

Its pretty darn close to all you need to know.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A little ex vent

It is Tuesday night and I'm at home.

My ex-husband, who still travels every week with work - and has since we were dating - is here with the kids.

Every week, he has a new schedule. Some weeks, he can watch them on Tuesday night because he is traveling from Wednesday - Friday. Some weeks, he will watch them on Wednesday or Thursday. Each week, I have to ask him which night he will watch the kids.

If I happen to need a night that he is traveling, I pay a babysitter to watch my girls.

---

The ex-husband lives with his brother. I arranged this when I asked him to leave the marriage initially. The ex says he would like his own place eventually. He has never lived on his own. His brother is a bachelor who has no children.

They live like kings over there.

There is a TV in every room. My ex is a fabulous cook. My ex-brother-in-law basically has a personal chef that prepares a gourmet dinner every night (save those nights the ex is traveling). They eat steaks and seafood and drink martinis and wine while basking in their sports on every television.

Every Sunday that he has the children, he still offers me whatever they made for dinner that night when I go to pick them up.

This past weekend was baby back ribs, homemade potato salad, corn on the cob and Bourbon Peach Cobbler made in an iron skillet. Yum.

When the girls stay over there, the ex can still get up and go for a run or go to the store or do whatever errand he has to do. He can leave the kids at home because there is someone else there.

My ex-brother-in-law loves my children but has a very low tolerance of them. They also live 30 minutes away from our house.

---

When I ask my ex-husband to watch the kids, above and beyond what he normally does, he volunteers readily.

Then I find out that it is his mother that actually watches the children while he goes out or enjoys a nice quiet evening at home.

---

When the ex has the children on his "one night a week", he will pick them up from school, take them to dinner and then hang out at my house. Since their school is 2 miles from my house, he gets them bathed and to bed here. He's out and heading home by 9:30 at the very latest.

When my kids are around me, they are glued to my side.

In other words, even though the ex is here, he is currently sitting on the couch reading a book. Meanwhile, my children are right here next to me, asking me questions or talking to me while I try to write my blog.

And if I'm making a correct assumption here, that would mean that it is not a night off for me. Unless I stay away from my own house.

---

Our divorce papers state specifically that the ex will take the children for one month each summer.

He was flabbergasted when I reminded him of that.

He doesn't think it is possible for him to watch the kids for a month. He actually asks me, "What would I do with them?" Or, "I don't think my brother can handle an entire month with them."

So when I have my surgery in 3 weeks, I have to ask my network of friends and family to assist me with my children while I recover. The ex can only watch them for one week.

---

I am a very lucky girl, in the grand scheme of things. I have bragged about my wonderful co-parenting relationship with the ex over and over again. Truly, I know there is not much to complain about.

But...

*sigh*

Sometimes, it seems like his version of single parenthood looks a lot easier than mine.

Monday, July 13, 2009

A Lovers' Retreat

Gentleman Jack came to visit me this weekend.

I was nervous, again, for some reason. Something about planning a weekend with someone still reminds me about the weekend gone bad with the last guy.

But anyway...

He arrived at my office on Friday afternoon right before my ex-husband came by with the kids. The ex comes by to pick up the girls' suitcases and allows me to love on them before he takes them for the weekend. They all met for about 5 minutes before the kids and ex headed over to Daddy's house.

It was a non-eventful meeting. I introduced Jack as my friend, because he is.

There is one problem though...

Now Gentleman Jack is completely under the spell of my daughters' beauty.

Heh. He's doomed.

---

We went out to dinner on Friday night and then met with my friends who were in town from Germany.

By that point we could no longer keep our hands from each other.

*swoon*

Saturday, I made breakfast at noon....cause we really had nothing that was pulling us away from each other.

Have I said *swoon* yet?

After breakfast, we threw on some summer clothes and went out to a local marina/bar for a drink and people watching. What fun! I haven't truly spent much time with Jack other than on the phone and dinner from our last time together.

Boy did I learn some things!!

I wrote previously about the aforementioned friends from Germany and how the husband would get a little jealous and protective of his wife. I wrote then that I didn't understand jealousy since I had not witnessed it in my own marriage. I liked the thought of someone caring that much that they wanted to keep me all to themselves.

My Gentleman calls it "sacred." I don't think I've ever felt "sacred" to anyone.

So while we're at this fun place, occasionally I would be left alone while Jack went to the restroom or played beach volleyball. Each time I was alone, I was approached by another man. I totally played it off. I was enjoying the hunk I came with.

But Jack would have none of it.

Every time he would come back to me, he would put his arms around me or kiss me or in some way "mark his territory". I LOVED IT!

He knew that I had no interest in anyone but him. Still, to watch him bow up those strong arms and shoulders and wrap me up completely in his giant biceps, I couldn't help but swoon.

Again.

---

We had a wonderful, completely orgasmic dinner on Saturday night.

(And oh! Before I forget, for all of you wine lovers, you must try La Crema's 2006 Pinot Noir. Oh.My.Wow. It was truly the best wine.)

On Sunday morning, I made pancakes while Jack took a shower. As I stood in my kitchen, I realized that since Jack and I connected, we have spent many a conversation trying to define our relationship. Yesterday morning, it finally became clear in my mind.

Lover.

And our weekend together felt like a lovers' retreat.

Both of us had to return to our normal responsibilities. Both of us admitted to this weekend being something of a vacation from all that we normally do.

The whole weekend we spoiled each other with compliments, touch, connecting, love-making, good food, great wine, universe-bending, earthshaking sex*, stimulating conversation, fun outings around my little town and lots of attention.

There was a moment or two, after he left, when I felt a little wistful. But then he was there, as consistent as ever, sending me a text message to let me know he was thinking of me.

*swoon*

This "living in the moment" thing seems to be working for us just fine.


*Jack's terms (*blush*)

Friday, July 10, 2009

Every single mom needs one... (part 6)

Must haves for your sanity!!!

For the past few days, I've had a tickle in my throat. I don't feel as if I'm coming down with anything. I still feel strong, healthy and positive.

But every time I try to talk, I barely speak a few words without coughing.

I was so frustrated with the coughing/inability to speak yesterday that I stayed on the down low most of the day. That tends to throw people off because I'm very animated and talkative most of the time.

I found that as the day went on, I was more and more irate and short tempered because I couldn't talk. I was reminded of what I said yesterday, "When I get sad, I love to sing."

But if I can't use my voice, I get even more upset!!

---

This morning it occurred to me that there are a few things that will definitely get me in a funk. I suppose these are things of value to me and when I lose them, I feel really down, out of sorts or irritated.

Here is my list of must haves for my sanity:

  • My voice - I talk. A lot. As if this blog isn't evidence enough of that! I also sing all the time. In my house, there is always someone singing. If it isn't me, it is one of my daughters. When I don't have my voice, I feel stifled.
  • My health - This includes sleeping well, eating well and exercising. I'm a little concerned about my impending surgery because I will be bedridden for about 10 days and have limited mobility for a month to 6 weeks. I am not a patient patient! I feel so guilty having to rely on someone else and I hate not feeling well. Guess I'd better suck it up.
  • Routine - I think a part of what put me in such a funk before, was that my routine was off. I was out of town 3 weekends in a row. I was behind on chores, paying bills, laundry, grocery shopping and all that goes with single parenthood. I loathe being behind on things. It makes me crazy.
  • Order - Along that same line, I can't stand when things are not where they're supposed to be. Of course, having two small children means that things are misplaced (or taken or not put back) all the time. I get a little nuts but especially when I'm behind and things begin to pile up. Chaos in my house means chaos in my head.

I suppose this list definitely proves that I'm a Capricorn. I honestly think this list was MUCH longer before I was a single mom. As a single parent, we have to let some things go.

Still, when I have these few things under control, I feel like all is right with my world.

At least temporarily!


Every single mom needs one... (part 1), (part 2), (part 3), (part 4), (part 5)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

10 Honest Things



“The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

Wow. I was tagged by both Canadian Bald Guy and Modern Married Momma for this meme. Sorry for the delay in getting this done.

I'm not going to tag anyone, mostly because I think this meme has made the rounds already. Still, if you wanna run with it, go for it! And let me know if you do!

  1. I was once a cheerleader. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I tried out at the end of 7th grade and was chosen as an alternate. Then during the summer, and before cheerleader camp, I got a boy haircut (not sure why) and glasses. Big ugly tortoise shell glasses.

    While at cheerleader camp that summer, the 6 other cheerleaders bullied and teased me. I ended up quitting cheerleading the day of our first pep rally. (That'll teach 'em.)

    Meanwhile, the photo that was taken of me at camp? My family still teases me about it. It is truly the worst picture ever taken of me.
  2. I like balance. This is another reason I do yoga. I like balance so much that even if I'm not in the exact middle of my yoga mat, I feel off. I like balance so much that I cannot stand to eat at a table where there is a bench/booth on one side and chairs on the other. Being off balance - stresses me out.

  3. I love this video. Thanks Morgan!





  4. When I get sad, I love to sing. This song in particular always makes me smile. Maybe because it is me singing and I remember how, when I would perform this song, I would feel like I was flying. (Click on the link to hear the full song.)









  5. I hate shopping. I actually don't mind it for about an hour. Then I begin to feel lightheaded and dizzy and I just need to get out of there! I can't explain it. Maybe that is why I've never been able to work in retail.
  6. It is my dream to skinny dip in the Mediterranean. I love Mediterranean food, the people, the languages, the beauty... Perhaps it goes back to my Sicilian roots that I appreciate so much about that area of the world. But really now, doesn't this make YOU want to get naked?



  7. I cut my hair short about every 10 years. This is never intentional timing; I've just noticed a pattern. My hair is generally shoulder length to the middle of my back. However, because of the thickness, I get tired of it and cut it all off. I did it in 1986, 1996, and again in 2006. (And we already talked about the boy haircut from when I was 12.)

  8. I love to camp. Perhaps that goes back to my Native American roots. I grew up camping with my parents in Arkansas. Give me a tent, sleeping bag, campfire and fishing pole and I am set. Oh and I still climb trees too.
  9. I am a fairly low maintenance girl. Mindy's meme mentioned that she has to have her toe nails painted all the time. Not me. I wear very little makeup and no polish. I prefer going as natural as possible. Then again, I also love wearing dresses and high heels. I guess I'm a little granola mixed with a Cosmopolitan martini.
  10. I believe in ghosts. My whole family does. We could tell you story after story. I also believe in reincarnation, fairies and dreams that come true.

    Yeah, I like believing that anything is possible.



"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting..."
~The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Gonna Make it Mine

I had to add this video because it includes two of my favorite things: Jason Mraz and Amsterdam.

Yes, Mr. Mraz, thank you for the reminder to follow my joy. Mwah!

video


Make It Mine
~Jason Mraz

Wake up everyone
How can you sleep at a time like this
Unless the dreamer is the real you

Listen to your voice
The one that tells you
To taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap in, the net will appear

I don't wanna wake before
The dream is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I know it

I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

I keep my life on a heavy rotation
Requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
And over to a table at the Gratitude Cafe

And I am finally there
And all the angels they'll be singing
Ah la la la, ah la la la
I la la la la love you

I don't wanna break before
The tour is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I'll own it

I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

And timing's everything
And this time there's plenty
I am balancing
Careful and steady
And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting

Well I don't wanna wait no more
Oh I wanna celebrate the whole world
I'm gonna make it mine
Oh yes I'm following your joy

I'm gonna make it mine
Because I, I am open
I'm gonna make it mine
That's why, I will show it

I'm gonna make it mine
Gonna make it mine
Oh mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

Monday, July 6, 2009

Choosing

Today while reading Torontomama's latest post about her soon-to-be-long-distance-relationship, I recognized her fears and attempts to resist her feelings.

I am very familiar with this roller coaster myself.


In my comment to her, I made reference to the fact that it is truly a day-by-day decision to remain in a relationship that has an uncertain future.

But don't all relationships have an uncertain future? Isn't it an on-going choice by both parties to remain in a relationship?

---

In deciding every day, our decisions are based on the NOW.

There are some days when that is ok. I feel centered and focused. I am present. I am enjoying this moment. I see the good.

My perspective is clear.

Then there are other days when I don't see anything but a future filled with angst and pain. On those days I am deeply rooted in fear.

I don't want to make decisions based on fear!!

But aren't we, as humans, looking ahead most of the time? Don't we make calls on relationships and life based on the future? Is that the best decision making process?

We don't have any idea what the future holds. We have no clue what sort of judgments we are making right now that are based solely on our tiny little perception of the much bigger picture.

How is our deciding of what we think will happen - based on what we think we know - the best way to decide?

---

Then again, this is what we do and how we lead our lives every day.

In every moment, we are judging and making a decision based on what we know now.

This is why we cannot have regrets. Why regret what we thought was the best decision we could make at the time?

  • We only knew a finite amount of information.
  • We had a certain perspective at the time of "the now" or "the future", "love" or "fear".
  • We laid a judgment upon the situation based solely on the past, which in effect, projects our past into the future.

In recognizing these attributes to my decision making process, I am more apt to pull myself back to the present moment.

---

When I feel those fears, I don't want to answer the phone when Gentleman Jack calls. I don't want to respond to his texts. I want to remove him as my Facebook friend and pretend that he doesn't exist.

Wouldn't that be easier?

I could run away from it and get used to not leaning on him anymore. He would be hurt, sure, but I would save myself a lot of pain later, right?

When I can pull back to the present moment, I recognize that he isn't running away from me. He, in fact, will reach out to me stronger when I pull away like that.

So I slow down my panicked breathing and see that my Gentleman has sent me text messages. Somehow he senses it, he just knows and he asks, "R U OK?"

I try to play it off. Surely he is tired of my moods changing like the winds. He is as steady as the land. He will not allow me to hide away with my fear. He will patiently convince me to spill my guts.

When I painfully admit these fears to him, he says, "I know how you feel."

And just like that, I remember that I am not the only one in this relationship. I am not the only one who gets scared and thinks too much.

So as long as we are both choosing each other, every day, in some form or another, this story can't help but have a happy ending.

*deep breath*

I hope so.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Consentual acceptance

I saw a plastic surgeon last week. It was my second consultation with him. I will be calling next week to schedule a surgery.

When I wrote about this subject before, I had many opinions from readers that were supportive, questioning, or surprised. These are all feelings that I have about it too. To be honest, I am frightened for a variety of reasons.

However, since I've been thinking about this, I have discovered many women who have had the same surgery and are extremely happy with the results.

I have also found that many people in my life, who seem to be happy, fairly content people, also have an area or two that they would like changed.

I have to ask this question of them because I am asking it of myself.

Why?

---

I sat in the doctor's office last week and looked at photo after photo of women with perfectly fine bodies who wanted something different. I also saw photo after photo of women who definitely had a wonderful improvement after surgery.

Part of me wonders: do they love their bodies now?

Those that looked fine before, are they finally content?

Do we all have a fear of not being accepted for what we look like?

It is really easy for me or someone else to say, "Well, my partner just better accept me as I am now."

But do we accept ourselves?

Soldier never had a complaint about my body. I did hear him, however, be very critical of other women's bodies and of his own body. Maybe he had thoughts about my body that he never voiced to me. (Because you don't bite the hand that feeds you.)

Perhaps those that have complaints about a partner's body simply do not accept their own insecurities?

Maybe it is in accepting, or changing, our own body image issues that we are finally able to stop comparing or critiquing?

---

In my A Course in Miracles group today, we talked about projection.

The reason that we project is because there are attributes about ourselves that we are ashamed of.

To relate this to the subject at hand, it is much easier to get angry at a partner or blame someone who seemingly has an opinion about our bodies, than it is to simply face the fact that there is something we are not happy with. We also forget that all of us has something that we are not happy with physically.

I know just as many men with body image issues as women. I've heard men complain about the size of their penises, to the shape of their asses, to the hair that grows on their bodies. It isn't just women who worry about what we look like.

So I wonder, if we own it, if we take full responsibility for our body image insecurities and not project blame on someone else for their seeming lack of acceptance, does that, in turn, help us to accept ourselves?

---

Yes, all in all, it would be nice to have someone say that you're perfect just the way you are.


It seems that only a person who thinks that about themselves would be willing to say it. Since most of us don't see ourselves that way, we will project our insecurities or imperfections on to others. Maybe instead of projecting or expecting validation that we don't believe ourselves, we could simply turn the finger around and point that back at ourselves.

Maybe then, we can look at it, own it and either decide to do something about it, as I am doing, or learn to accept ourselves as is.

Then when someone tells you that you're perfect, you will finally actually believe it.

Because really, the only way that we can be affected by what someone says to us is if we believe it about ourselves.

And that could go either way.


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Why do we jump to the end of the story?

Twice this week alone, I have had two of my closest friends question my relationship with Gentleman Jack.

Heck, even *I* question it!

To us, our relationship makes some kind of sense. We love each other. Very much. We are extremely close. And each of us wants the other person to find happiness in a relationship close to home.

Huh?

Yeah, maybe it makes no sense at all.

Long distance relationships are supposed to be difficult, filled with longing and suffering. Neither Gentleman Jack or myself want that for ourselves or each other. However, neither of us can deny what we feel. So, we've chosen to enjoy it while we have it and at the same time, we're both open to dating others.

We warn each other of friends wanting to set us up on other dates or new people who show interest in us. We're very open and honest with each other. We also admit to jealous feelings at the thought of the other with someone else. We both know that some sort of end will be painful to one or both of us. We know it is inevitable.

But sometimes, when we're both swept away with emotion, I wonder if either of us really knows what is happening. Even last night, Gentleman Jack was being questioned by one of his best friends too.

"I can't explain it to him," Gentleman Jack told me, "When I try, he just rolls his eyes. I don't know what's going to happen but I have one question:

Why do we, as humans, always jump to the end of the story, the back of the book, instead of just enjoying it as it unfolds?"

Sometimes we do go round and round for hours trying to define what is happening or what will happen. We have tried to label it but the thing is, the only label that either of us can put on it is from Gentleman Jack's fortune cookie during that first week we were speaking to each other:

A beautiful adventure.

I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.