Wednesday, December 30, 2009

How to turn a husband into your enemy

She reached out to me because she knew I'd done it before.

Infidelity.

She's the reason that thoughts of my affair came back with a vengeance. All of those long-ago hidden feelings of guilt and sadness and regret. That's why I had to write it out. I had to dig down into those festering trenches of pain and pull it all out of me and look at it. I had to look at all of that ugliness and realize... it wasn't me anymore.

But every time she called, every time she needed to share the weight of the heavy burden of secrecy, I was nauseous. Gentleman Jack would get angry. Not at her actions. He is far enough removed from her that what was happening didn't give him a right to judge. No, he was angry that she wanted to throw the guilt that she carried on me and I was allowing her to.

Then she shared the weight with someone else. That someone else was very thankful to know that I knew. The weight was too much for either of us to carry alone. Then we began to feel our own resentment that we were given this extra burden that neither of us had asked for.

And yet... there are the children. Her children haven't even met this new man.

When her husband found out about her affair on Christmas Eve, we worried. But she felt better. We could all sense her relief on Christmas Day that she didn't have to hide anymore. We thought it was over. Her husband seemed sad and heavy but he was reaching out to her. Perhaps everything would be fine.

Then the news last night: she is running away with this other man.

To hear her speak, its like she's hypnotized. She is completely convinced that her actions are for the best and will take her light years beyond happiness. He will leave his wife and she will leave their husband and they will be together. Nevermind that he will have to resign from his high-paying job at a company that employs the both of them. Nevermind that her husband has threatened to take the children...

I am destroyed by all of this.

I am offering her my perspective as she has expressed such envy at the co-parenting relationship between the ex and I. (Without even realizing the imperfections...)

"I know you feel alone and scared and guilty and worried and sad. I am on your side. If you choose to leave your marriage, I am on your side. If you choose to be with this man, I am on your side. But please, I beg you, slow down. And please be honest and respectful to this man that you are married to. Offer some kindness. Tell him upfront that you want a civil, peaceful divorce. No more sneaking. No running away and letting him 'figure it out on his own'. He is not the enemy. His only sin is not being the husband you hoped he would be. If you treat him as an enemy however, he will react like one."

She, of course, accuses me of making her out to be the bad guy. "I am surprised at this... coming from you...."

I know how guilt works. It feels so much better to project it onto someone else. Her words didn't even sting me. I have let go of that part of me.

She, of course, sees me as taking his side and begins to inform me that he too is having an affair.

"I would offer him the same advice." I tell her.

Divorce sucks. Changing the lives of your children... sucks. Moving out and away from the life you've known... sucks. Knowing that you're going to have to figure out a new relationship with someone that you no longer wish to be with... sucks.

But it is possible.

If she would only try....


"Kindness is the life's blood, the elixir of marriage (and divorce too). Kindness makes the difference between passion and caring. Kindness is tenderness. Kindness is love, but perhaps greater than love ... Kindness is good will. Kindness says, 'I want you to be happy.' Kindness comes very close to the benevolence of God."
~ Randolph Ray

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

On the subject of money



Sometimes, when I hear a friend tell me that her ex still gives her money when she needs it... or when another friend's mother comes through with extra cash... I tend to think resentfully,

"Well, it must be nice."


I don't have that.

After a giving up that thought, I remember,

"Ya know, abundance is abundance. Some sources just seem to be a bit more obvious than others."

Then I bless my friends and smile at their abundance.

Because when I look around me, I recognize that I DO have that too.


"The subject of money is really two subjects: (1) money, plenty of money, and (2) absence of money, not nearly enough money. Often people assume that because they are speaking the words "I want more money," they are speaking positively about money. When you are feeling fear or discomfort as you speak, you are not speaking of the subject of money, you are speaking of the subject of not enough money. And the difference is very important, because the first statement brings money and the second holds it away."
~Abraham-Hicks

Monday, December 28, 2009

The ex, the holidays and "time to himself"

"So, the kids are out of school this week, right?" I've been asked this question several times and it's only Monday.

"Yep," is my reply... knowing what the next question is.

"They're with their dad then?"

*sigh*

No. They are not with their dad. Their dad has asked for "time to himself". He will take them Thursday - Sunday, one day earlier than normal because of my New Year's/birthday party.

This is the only time of year that he will take time off of work. He has always been this way. He works and flies around the country and travels every week, all year long. I get it. Being home and having downtime is a must for him. Traveling all the time is exhausting. I did it for 4 years.

But these are his children.

It's not like I'm asking someone, "Hey can you babysit for me tonight?"

No, these little people are his responsibility too.

Ok, yes, I am fortunate that he pays his child support and takes them one night a week and every other weekend and will take them longer if I am going out of town or something. He also shows up for recitals and birthdays and all the stuff that a dad's supposed to do.

Yes.

I am SOO grateful.... I truly am.

But these are his children. Isn't he *supposed* to do that?

Why does my asking, "Hey, don't you want to spend more time with them while they're out of school?" or "You'll take them a month during the summer, right? You know like it says in our divorce paperwork?" feel as if I'm asking for a favor?

My girlfriend says, "Of course he's not going to volunteer to keep them any longer than he has to. Men aren't made that way. We can't expect that from them. And it's our job, as the mothers, to make them spend more quality time with their children. It isn't in their inherent nature."

And I have to call BULLSHIT on that.

I've seen plenty of men that love to spend time with their children. Like this guy and this guy and this guy not to mention all the hotness here.

"Well maybe you need to take him back to court to enforce what it says he's supposed to do in the divorce decree," my girlfriend continues to suggest.

Then the mom guilt kicks in. I feel selfish thinking that I'm supposed to FORCE the father of my children to spend time with his children when he doesn't want to. I'm supposed to not feel bad that, though I will "have time to myself", my kids will be with someone who is grouchy and ignores them and puts them in front of the TV because he's so checked out that he doesn't want to deal with them.

He rarely engaged with me when we were married those last few years. The TV went on as soon as he walked in the door, before I was greeted with a 'hello'. If he wasn't watching TV, he was in the kitchen cooking... or some other domestic chore that didn't include spending quality time with me or our children. I should not be surprised.

And who knows. My kids certainly don't complain about sitting in front of the TV. Maybe 'quality time' isn't their love language like it is mine. Maybe he's lowered their expectations enough that they don't even realize it could be better. Maybe they don't care whether or not he's focused on them.

Maybe I'm projecting my own failed childhood relationship with my own father onto this situation.

I guess I keep hoping that he will want to take them to the museum himself instead of them going with teachers on their childcare field trip...

It makes my heart break.

So, instead I quietly vent to my friends and get upset, just like I did last year and the year before that. Always during the holidays when I'm working and sending them to childcare while their dad is at home having "time to himself".

Maybe at some point, I will see the pattern and have a come-to-Jesus talk with him. Because seriously, as long as I allow him to, he will do as little as possible.

Hence the reason he's called "the ex".

Birthdays, Schmirthdays! No really, its MY birthday!!



Hey hey, look at me, I'm finally 40 years old.

I remember when my mom turned 40 and it seemed SOOO old. Is it just me or is 40 the new 20?

No?

25 maybe?

Eh, I'm not that worried about turning 40. When I registered for triathlons this past year, I had to register my age as of the end of 2009. So, technically or athletically, I've already been categorized as 40 all year. Maybe that means that during next year's triathlons, I should athletically be the same as I was this past year since I haven't aged...

Hmmm.....

I'm babbling.

I have no coherent train of thought today. I didn't sleep all that well last night and decided to stay offline for much of this past weekend. It felt good to give my brain a break.

Except.

My brain doesn't stop.

Damn it to hell.

*big sigh*

And since my brain is nothing but sleep deprived mush, I thought I'd let all the famous people do the deep thinking for me with some cool quotes at the end of this blog post.

Oh and since I'm 40 and because this is my blog and its all about me...ME... ME... here's me asking for birthday wishes.

Because having a birthday around the holidays bites the big one.

Hope ya'll had a nice holiday break.


"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
~ Mark Twain

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."
~ Michael Pritchard

"At twenty we worry about what others think of us; at forty we don't care about what others think of us; at sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all."
~ Author Unknown

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."
~ Soren Kierkegaard

"Live your life and forget your age."
~ Norman Vincent Peale

"As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do."
~ Andrew Carnegie

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
~ Mark Twain

"You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair."
~ Douglas MacArthur

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?"
~ Satchel Paige

"Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely move it from their faces into their hearts."
~ Martin Buxbaum

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

When I think of Christmas...

I woke up this morning feeling much better than yesterday. The house is quiet and its SOOO nice. I have presents to wrap and then I'm going to take some naughty pics for Gentleman Jack to surprise him on Christmas morning.

Hee hee!

I'm in the Christmas spirit, that's for sure!

When I think of Christmas, lots of memories spring to mind.

I thought I'd document some since I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy...

---

Monday would have been the 17th anniversary for the ex and I had we stayed married. I remember that year's Christmas. We'd eloped to Lake Tahoe and got married in the snow. I wore an off-the-shoulder emerald green velvet dress with Nike tennis shoes underneath. I never wore the gorgeous matching pumps as they would have certainly ruined in the wet cold snow. We spent a few days there and then flew back to Dallas on the 23rd. We then drove back to Louisiana and spent the holidays with my family. They were excited that we video-taped our wedding ceremony that consisted of me, my husband, the non-denominational minister and a photographer. Mom was sad that she couldn't attend. The pictures were breathtaking.

---

I remember one of my first Christmases after I'd moved to Dallas. I think I was 20. I'd decided to drive back to Louisiana despite the impending ice storm that was creeping in fast from the west. What normally would have taken me 1.5 hours to drive to the halfway point took me 3 hours instead. I'd decided to stop for a quick break to rest from the white-knuckle driving when, unfortunately, I hit a patch of black ice, spun around several times and landed in the ditch. I landed next to a minivan that had just done the same thing. The driver of the van rushed to the driver's side window to see if I was ok. I was shaken but otherwise fine. He then informed me that there was an hour wait for a tow truck. There were too many accidents and by that time, everything was covered in a sheet of ice. My father had to drive to pick me up and I finally arrived in my hometown 12 hours after I'd left Dallas.

---

One Christmas I went home to spend with my family, I came back to Dallas with the flu. Thanks Dad.

---

The first Christmas after my Rose was born, I filmed her sitting in her car seat under the Christmas tree. She was so innocently and endlessly amazed at the pretty lights on the tree. I had Jewel's Christmas cd playing in the background. I think I cried tears of joy through the entire cd.

---

When I was a kid, Mema and Papa would invite my sister, brother and I to come down to decorate their tree. We'd listen to Elvis Presley (because oh boy he loomed large in my family) and Bing Crosby. I still think of my grandparent's house when I hear Blue Christmas or White Christmas.

---

Now, when I sing Blue Christmas, my kids chime in with the "woohoooo woohoooo woohooooo woohooooo" part in the background. Cracks me up every. single. time.

---

My mom always made sure we had more than we asked for every year for Christmas. Sometimes, we couldn't even get near the tree because there were so many gifts! I never knew that my parents were barely scraping by on less than $20K per year combined.

---

Every year, my mother makes sure to get a picture of my sister, my brother and me in front of a Christmas tree. One of us needs to do a photo book with the progression of photos from over the years. Its always fun to see the different hair styles. Here's the pic from last year when *giggle* my brother couldn't make it in town.

---

We used to drive down to the little podunk town where my mom grew up to visit my other grandparents sometime around Christmas every year. Grandma always had homemade hot tamales and $5 for each of us. God bless her. She had over 25 grandchildren. My sister and I would take the wagon and use it as a sled down the huge hill on my grandparents' 13 acres. The sucky part would be dragging the dang thing back up the hill.

---

It was a long standing family tradition to attend the Natchitoches Christmas Festival during the first weekend in December. The tradition started when my dad was a child and continued until... well... it continued until they stopped selling alcohol a few years ago. Heh. I did take my girls back last year and we had a blast. We'll get back there again. The best thing about that festival was Santa in the parade, the meat pies and the fireworks show over the river.

---

I loved hearing Cajun Night Before Christmas every year as a child. I really enjoy reading it to my kids now although they don't quite understand when I read it in the cajun dialect.

---

Its just not Christmas without watching the Grinch, Rudolph, and Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown is my mom's absolute favorite.

---

We'll have meat pies, Mema's meat & tater dressing, and tamales on the table for Christmas - just like every year.

---

My mom "accidentally" leaves the price tag on every gift. It's a running joke in the family now.

---

My brother and I will probably get into a game of Shit. Shit is a card game that Mema taught us before we could even read. Of course, as kids, we called it "Doo doo". I can literally play this game, cook dinner and watch TV all at the same time and still kick my brother's ass. He knows its true.

---

Every Christmas Eve, my sister and I heard the sound of bells outside of our bedroom window. Mom and Dad never admitted that they had anything to do with this but I definitely always believed in Santa because of it.

---

I always had one extra gift under the tree every year that was wrapped in birthday wrapping paper. Couldn't open that one for 3 more days. It was torture but hey, at least my parents made an effort to separate my birthday from Christmas.

---

Christmas was Dad's favorite time of the year. I miss him more at Christmas than I do any other time of year. He always got so excited to have his family together. Now I have an ornament from my brother that reminds me that Dad is with me this Christmas and every year.

---

One year, my dad filmed our Christmas tree spinning around (yes, we had a rotating tree stand) to Christmas carols for an entire hour. Sounded like a good idea at the time...

---

The first few Christmases with Grace are a blur, sadly. My marriage was crumbling by the time she was born and my husband was already emotionally checked out. I was so focused on his whereabouts, mentally and physically, that I don't even remember being a mother of a baby and a toddler. I was just going through the motions.

---

I am happy to celebrate Christmas with my girls this year - for the first time in a very long time. I know they will wake me up by excitedly jumping on me before I even get out of bed on Christmas morning. Then we'll open gifts with their daddy and head to my sister's house to open more with sis' family, my mom and brother.

How can you beat that?


Merry Christmas ya'll.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Presence for Christmas



I don't feel well AT ALL but I'm at work anyway. Hardly anyone is here. I'm sitting at my desk munching on dry crackers and homeopathic remedies and thinking that I need something to drink but I have no energy to head down the hall to the kitchen to get anything.

I'm being a big baby. I want to lie down or cry. My body hurts and I am so very tired.


I want to go home but I have to be here for a call this afternoon. I also still have Christmas shopping to finish for my girls. Ugh.

At least I'll go home to a quiet house. The ex has the kids til Christmas eve night. I'll spend that evening at his place with his family and Santa will come to visit and hand deliver presents to my daughters as he does every year. The ex-in-laws will be there with all sorts of gourmet desserts and sweet attentive hugs and my ex will cook up a fabulous dinner for all of us. Then I will take our daughters home with me and the ex will join us Christmas morning to open gifts and have a nice big breakfast.

I am thankful.

A text just came through from Gentleman Jack after I told him that I feel like poo.
"Baby, u remember how pretty it was flyin above the clouds when we were about 2 land in Dallas, and how nasty it was on the ground? U have 2 know that the clouds will break! You WILL feel better soon!"

I love my man.

I love all of the supportive things he does for me. Sending me his healing clarity through the text messages on my phone. I told him that what he was doing was sending me Reiki but he said he calls it "love".

I am so thankful for all of his little ways...

He's bummed because he wants to get me a really expensive new television for Christmas but can't buy it yet. I don't need a present from him when he gives me so much presence already!

Doesn't he realize that every day with him is like Christmas?


When I drive to his house, he meets me in the driveway to carry in my bag.

Once inside and greeted with lots of loving hugs, he demands that I get into comfortable clothing so that I can sit on the couch and do nothing.

Not. A. Damn. Thing.

He cooks dinner and places it on a tray in front of me. He pours me a glass of wine and, after eating, he will take a seat next to me where he will rub my feet, cover me with a blanket or snuggle up close to me.

When we go to bed, he places a glass or bottle of water next to my side of the bed should I get thirsty during the night.

When I take a shower, he will join me, soaping up his hands to clean me. He will stand with his back against the cold tile so that I don't get a chill. Then he will wrap me up in a towel.

I usually cook breakfast for he and his boys. They're always appreciative of the feminine energy in the house.

Before we head out for the day, he will ask me if I like what he is wearing. The man can wear a t-shirt... whew boy... and I'm drooling so it doesn't matter to me. But he wants me to be proud to be seen with him.

When we're out together, he's holding my hand or touching me in some way. He likes to run his hands over my hair and occasionally pull me closer for a kiss.

He looks at me and smiles.

He touches me with love.

He concerns himself with my comfort and my pleasure.

Of course, I do the same for him. We speak the same language. We adore one another.

I laughed over the weekend that his house is like my vacation home in Louisiana. I feel comfortable there and I can be lazy - something I never do at home.

I wish I was there now, snuggled up with his warmth on his comfy bed, all tucked in safe and sound and his arms wrapped around me.

I love my man.

Though my body hurts and I have no emotional, mental or physical energy, above all of this nastiness, the sun is shining.

I am thankful.

Monday, December 21, 2009

What does love look like?

One of the things I've learned in my spiritual studies is that love doesn't always look like what I expect it to look like.

For one thing, everyone has a different perspective on everything. We all put our stories and our spin on every event and situation. Our stories are all based on our past experiences and upbringing so they'll all be different.

Everyone also has different ways of expressing love. Recently, I've also learned that sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let someone go.

I'm learning to question what love looks like. I forget to ask the question sometimes because I think I know what I *should* do. Sometimes I think I know what someone else *should* do too.

When I decide what I think love *should* look like, oftentimes, I find myself not feeling loved at all.

However, when I get my ego judgment out of the way and become aware of the present moment, I automatically feel love. When I can do that, I get the most surprising results....

---

Saturday, Gentleman Jack and I were hosting a get together at his house to watch the New Orleans Saints/Dallas Cowboys game.

(Don't get me started... I heart my Saints and I always will.)

We spent the entire day preparing the house and food. We had a blast. Just put on some good music, hand me a vacuum and watch me go!

But that night, as we both lay exhausted from the days' events, I was sad. I felt lonely.

Confused, GJ pulled me to him and held me close. It didn't help me. I could only think about how we hadn't spent any alone time together. I knew that I had to leave early the next day and wouldn't see him for 2 more weeks.

In my head, I thought that the most loving thing I could do would be to stay quiet and let him get some sleep.

I tried to do that but then I felt angry. I felt invisible. I had no idea what to ask of him. All that I knew was that I didn't have his attention all day and I wouldn't have it for much longer. I wanted his attention!

I HAD his attention but it didn't seem like enough!

I hate when I have these feelings. I cannot explain them nor from where they come.

"Be here now," GJ told me. He can always feel my struggle, even when I struggle quietly.

He's right, I thought. He's here with me. Why can't I be here too?!

I began taking deep breaths and asked the question, "How do I recognize the love? What do I do?" I needed to be in the present moment, to recognize what love looked like in that moment...

Kiss him.

Those are the words I heard and felt in my heart. So, in our spoon, I turned in the bed to face him and gave my sleepy man a simple, sweet kiss.

It was almost as if a switch was turned on. In that moment, both of our bodies came alive. In that instant when my lips met his, we were connected, wholly in the now, to each other.

It surprised both of us in the most pleasurable, unexpected way.

---

I cannot be angry or resentful at someone if I'm not feeling loved.

What that means is that I gave with expectation or I'm not recognizing the form of love right in front of me. If I'm expecting something then I need to put up a boundary. If I'm not recognizing love then I need to stop thinking about the past or future.

I'm learning that love lives in the present moment.


That's when I feel joy. That's when the best surprises happen. That's when my heart nearly leaps from my chest.

I love it when that happens.



"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~Dr. Seuss

"'Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul."
~Judy Garland

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Not in My Wife's Mouth!

I generally stay away from news and/or politics on this blog. I tend to be able to see both sides of every story so I don't really have much of an opinion that I have to get on my soap box about.

Then there's the Tiger Woods thing.

I'm not really opinionated about it, per se. I guess since I had an affair of my own and I know that I'm not a bad person, I can't really judge Tiger. I mean, he's Tiger Woods for pete's sake. Its not like the entire world hasn't been telling him, since his teenage years, that he was a god and entitled to everything that life has to offer.

So, he partook of those things and... now we're pissed at him?

O. K.

I'm not saying its right. We've all seen the pain that I had to go through in reliving the story of my own affair. But I'm not going to sit here and throw stones or think he's this horrible selfish person.

I have another opinion about it though.

I'm reminded of the scene in Analyze This when Billy Crystal asked DeNiro why he had a mistress on the side. DeNiro answered along the lines of, "I can't do that with my wife. That's the mouth that kisses my children!"

I remember in The Soprano's, there was the same story. All the big mob guys were married to these beautiful, smart, classy women but they had mistresses on the side.

I mentioned this to Gentleman Jack and he admitted to the same thoughts. He admitted that while he was married, some of his fantasies remained just that: fantasies. He said he didn't want to try that stuff with his wife. Those thoughts were naughty and your wife should be respected and held to a higher standard than dirty, filthy, boy fantasies.

Really?

It also reminded me of my ex-husband who, when we were dating, was all about trying new things, watching porn with me or going to strip clubs with me. Then towards the end of our marriage, he kept all of that hidden from me. He seemed ashamed. I was confused and didn't like that he hid that from me. So, I pulled back too and our sex life suffered because of it.

Thankfully, GJ knows better now. He damn well better know better...

Everyone's been saying, "How can Tiger cheat with these cheap whorish women when he has a gorgeous, smart, wonderful wife and mother at home?"

I wonder if he is filled with shame about his over-active and imaginative sexual fantasies? I wonder if he believes that blowjobs and anal sex are immoral, like unfortunately, I think many people believe.

Maybe he holds his wife in such high regard that he can't imagine putting his manhood in the mouth that kisses his children good night?

Just a thought.

Your thoughts?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Getting what you asked for



I heard this Michael Buble song this morning on the radio. Fun, catchy tune. Made me smile.

And the lyrics...


I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.




I had to giggle because it reminded me of my list of fabulous qualities I wanted in a man. It reminded me of all of my hopes and dreams of a man who adores me and how I'd fall and it would be so perfect.

Then, when a real man showed up in my life from out of nowhere, I didn't trust it. I was scared. I didn't want to fall though he was totally fall-in-lovable.

I was laughing out loud at how we TOTALLY get what we ask for.

But are we always ready for it?

Perhaps things happen exactly as they're supposed to. Perhaps we are ready but aren't aware of it. Maybe we are ready on some level and we just have to clear out the cobwebs to find that sense of readiness.

Clearing out the cobwebs. I feel like I've done a lot of that lately. Making room for more.

It starts small. You're making room in your bed by not sleeping in the middle anymore. Making room in your heart. Making room in your life. Feeling with absolute certainty that what you want is on its way. So much certainty that you don't even wish for it anymore. You don't even think about it. You go through life smiling because you can feel the love already.

You never know what's around the next corner. It could be exactly what you've always wanted and you just haven't met him or her yet.

Are you ready?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Gift of Truth




I woke up this morning and immediately sighed.

I knew I was going to have to tell K that I no longer wanted to meet with him behind his wife's back. I also knew that he would be very understanding and considerate of my feelings. He is a wonderful man. Despite the fact that people are harsh and judgmental towards those who have had affairs, he has a huge heart and doesn't wish to hurt his wife.

Except that he is.


I've had to say the exact same words to someone very close to me who is also having an affair.

You are hurting your spouse right now. It doesn't matter that he doesn't know anything. He is being hurt and will feel all of this hurt when he does find out.

*sigh*

That is one thing that I learned after confessing my own affair and when I learned of my ex-husband's affair. All of the times that they didn't know about, they will want to know about. Then it hurts them. Even though they didn't know it at the time, their hearts were being broken.

---

The morning was weird. I felt like every little thing could make me cry. It wasn't sadness so much as... sentimentality.

My kids and I had a great morning and I was very affectionate. I wanted to kiss and hug on them all day!

Grace had a Christmas pageant at her preschool that I didn't know about. I felt like a terrible mom when I found out but didn't have a camera - video or digital - to record the moment for posterity.

By the time I was driving to work, I needed to talk to Gentleman Jack. I was worried that he might be feeling upset about the possible lunch with K.

He sounded strong and supportive - so strong, in fact, that I emailed K and told him that I wasn't going to lunch with him after all. I have no other way to reach K than email. I don't even know his cell number.

He didn't get the message and showed up right on time with a big smile on his face.

I felt weird. I didn't want to hug him. I was distracted and sad. He sensed it and asked what was on my mind. I thought we should go ahead and get out so that we could talk.

In the restaurant, I excused myself to the restroom where I texted my Gentleman:

"I'm at lunch with K. I am going to talk to him about everything. I'm in the bathroom and so wish I was in your arms!!"

GJ's reply:

"You are."

---

I sat across from K, made small talk and smiled weakly. I didn't want to upset him...

"What's on your mind?" he asked.

I began talking to him about the affair and told him that I'd blogged about it recently. I told him that it helped me to write it out and how I felt closer and more emotionally available to Gentleman Jack.

He is beside himself happy about GJ in my life. Over and over he's told me that I deserve all of the love I receive.

He told me that the whole Tiger Woods thing has initiated more conversation between he and his wife about their affairs/infidelities. She told him that she is mostly angry about the fact that she lost me as a friend. When she saw me recently and heard about my interest in cycling and triathlons, she wanted to train with me. She doesn't believe that she could, however, and for that, she is still upset with him.

"Do you think," I began, "that you could ever tell her that we meet for lunch occasionally?"

"No, I don't think I ever could."

"Then, doesn't this seem wrong? You're still keeping a secret from her. Yes, its nothing but us talking (and boy can we TALK) but if she found out, it would be HUGE! I don't want to hurt her again and I know that you don't either."

I went on to tell him that I'd sent the email asking that we not have lunch. He felt awful because he didn't see the email prior to meeting me.

"You know... you're right. You're absolutely right," he agreed with me. "And I'm not surprised that you're saying this. As I told you the last time we saw each other, I am happy about you and (GJ) and I don't want to get in the way of anything. I still feel like I did (ex-husband) wrong. I should have shown him more respect than I did."

"Hey..." I stopped him, "It took two of us to do that. And you're not getting in the way of me and my Gentleman. We're fine. He trusts me and allows me to be me. I've just been thinking about this so much lately and I don't want to chance hurting her or you..."

"I hear you. I try to convince myself that there's nothing to feel bad about when we meet for lunch but yeah... I don't like keeping secrets. I want to give (GJ) more respect than I did (ex-husband). I knew things were going to change. I had a feeling. And... you are right. I don't want anything to happen to my marriage."

We went on to talk about running, cycling, swimming, voice over IP (we're eternal geeks), my vacation to Mexico, recent athletic events that he and his wife participated in and life in general.

I have to admit, I'll miss that. Maybe we'll stay in touch with an occasional email but I'll miss the sparkle in his eyes and his enthusiasm about life.

---

I feel much better about things. I feel, once again, even more available to Gentleman Jack and whatever the future has in store for us.

Mostly though, I feel more available to me. I'm giving myself a gift of honesty. I'm shedding secrecy and deceit to live a true, honest life.

And that's the best Christmas gift I could give to myself... or anyone for that matter.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hidden

I'm not sure if I've always felt unworthy of someone expressing their love for me to the world... but it seems that I've chosen that for myself in past relationships.

My ex-husband, though he gave me love in his own way, was actually emotionally unavailable (and physically as well as he traveled with work) during most of our relationship. I can't tell you if I knew that at the time. I can only speak from a perspective of hindsight.

During my marriage I was in a relationship with another man - a married man - who obviously couldn't declare his love from the highest mountain.

Maybe the sense of unworthiness came after the dissolution of my marriage.

The next relationship I had was with a man who, for all intents and purposes, kept me as his own private, personal porn star. He was completely unavailable to me on many levels but not initially. I still look back on that relationship and can feel question marks appear all over my face. I'm unsure of what either of us were hoping to gain from each other or our union.

*sigh*

That was me. Always choosing unavailable men.

But now...

Now I am in a relationship with a man who actually *would* declare his love for me from the highest mountain.

Sure, I suppose you could say he's still "unavailable" in the long-distance-relationship kind of way. However, wow, I am amazed at how much I am learning about what I truly deserve.

---

As I mentioned in the affair posts, K and I are still friends and occasionally meet for lunch.

Gentleman Jack is aware of this. He trusts my judgment of the situation. He has, however, become keenly aware of how the affair makes me feel. I cried many nights to him as I was blogging about that time in my life.

So today, when K emailed me to go to lunch with him tomorrow, I called my Gentleman to talk to him about it.

"How do you feel about the situation?" he asked me.

"Hey. Its a free lunch!" I laughed.

"Does K's wife know that you guys are meeting?"

*sigh*

GJ already knows the answer to this question.

No.

She doesn't know.

K will not tell her.

Though our lunches are friendly-only, he is nervous about how she might feel, given our history. K knows that I have nightmares about her seeing us in the same room and making assumptions. He says she has similar nightmares. He also says that she asks about me, wondering how I'm doing. Surely there's a way to mend things. She and I got along fine when both of us accidentally appeared at a luncheon with several of my previous co-workers.

I've always known that K keeps our innocent lunches a secret. I have always talked to him about it but never insisted he tell his wife for fear of losing his friendship. Maybe I still also enjoyed his adoration and attention.

Yeah. OK. I'll admit that.

However hearing my Gentleman ask that question and after re-living the experience of our affair through my recent blog posts, I know what I must do.

"Baby, I support you, whatever you choose. But I don't understand why you would morally continue to see him when he keeps your friendship hidden. You deserve better than that. Your friendship is worth more than that. You should never be in someone's shadow or secret. You shine too brightly to be hidden. I can't imagine how anyone wouldn't be proud to show what a wonderful friend you are. I can't understand why anyone, friend or lover, wouldn't want to tell the entire world that you are in his life."

My eyes are continually opening with GJ in my life. I can see clearly now. Even if my vision is blurred with tears of gratitude.

Monday, December 14, 2009

I don't believe in "ga-ga"

I have a single male friend at work who recently broke up with his girlfriend.

To hear the hate spew from his lips makes me cringe. I know he's speaking from pain but.... wow. This is the same guy who, just a few short months ago, was swooning with me about our new relationships. This is also the same guy who, a few short months before that, admitted to me that he doesn't "believe in ga-ga".

He was refusing to believe that love really exists. Then he met someone, went a little "ga-ga", they broke up and now he's back to the cynical guy I've known for nearly 3 years.

"I knew it all along," he told me today, "I am not surprised at all that this happened."

"Well, you get what you expect," I replied.

"Exactly."

Isn't that what happens? Aren't we doing nothing but attracting that which we fear the most?

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

This is why I try not to worry too much. This is why I try to reel in those fears. This is why I try to have faith that things will work out in relationships.

We get what we expect.

I choose to expect good things in life. I choose to have hope. I choose to believe in love.

I also believe that if you have faith in love, it will find you. No matter what.

I believe in ga-ga.

And I know that he does too. Its already been proven to him that it exists. Love is not illusive. You just have to dig really deep to find it, inside, somewhere beneath the pain.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Bear and the Butterfly

I often refer to Gentleman Jack as "bear".

He can be "bear" like in a teddy bear sort of way - sweet, affectionate, snuggly, loveable.

He can be "bear" in the beastly sort of way - like here.

He can be "bear" in the big, strong, protective guardian sort of way.

He can also be "bear" in a quiet, shy, homebody, hibernating, lazy sort of way.

I can be like him in the quiet, shy, homebody way too but mostly, I am more like a butterfly - metamorphosed in many ways, always moving about, social, active, attracted to bright, colorful people...

Its an interesting combination that so far, is working for us.

---

I am approaching my 40th birthday at the end of December. Sadly, I do not trust my friends and family to throw me the big Happy 40th birthday surprise party. I don't trust that to happen because its never, in 40 years, happened before.

I get it. Its the holidays. Everyone's busy and distracted. I was surprised last year when more friends remembered my birthday than ever before. Nevertheless, I thought I'd throw myself a party. I like throwing parties.

This year, my birthday party will be celebrated not on the 28th but on the 31st. I am having a "Ring in a New Decade" party - to ring in my 40th year and the year 2010.

Invitations have been sent and many people are planning on attending.

I can't wait. I adore entertaining. Put a martini in my hand and watch me go! Watch as I flutter amongst the bright, shiny people....

---

I am excited that Gentleman Jack will be meeting more of the people in my life that he's heard so much about.

He will already know some of the people there. He's met (and we frequently hang out with) my friend Gem. He and my brother get along very well. He will know a couple of other friends but mostly, this will be a new experience for him.

He's never experienced T with her wings in full-glory.

Will he be able to handle my natural affectionate nature with my friends - some of whom he knows I have had intimate relationships with?

Will he be able to see the overly flirtatious T that blossoms after a couple of vodka martinis?

Will he feel comfortable in this party scene, where I will be surrounded with people that love me and will want time with me, and he will sometimes be left alone to his own devices?

His attention and adoration of me is still fairly new to me. I'm used to relationships where men held their emotions from me. I'm used to relationships where there was no jealousy and the men were just as, if not more, flirtatious and social than I was. Never have I been in a relationship with someone who is so openly honest about his feelings. Never has someone said to me that he doesn't feel comfortable when I hang out with my male friends.

I'm not even sure I've had a man pay as much attention to me as my Gentleman does.

I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable to see me with my friends. Then again, I cannot change who I naturally am. He knows this and encourages me to be *me*. But I still worry. I don't want to unintentionally hurt his feelings or have him feel left out or jealous...

I've only once seen GJ in full social glory at his favorite local hang out. He actually acted just like me. And I was the shy, quiet, reserved one who tried to not feel left out.

I wonder if, perhaps, instead of bear and butterfly, we're both true chameleons.

I guess I'll know more when I lean in to kiss my bear at midnight on 12/31.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

"And my husband lives next door..."




When my ex-husband and I initially bought a home together, we were excited. We were thrilled to be first time homeowners and live together like a real married couple!

After living together less than 6 months, the house next door went on the market. We thought about buying it.

We seriously considered buying the house next door for my husband.

Why?

We loved each other but we also got on each other's nerves. One of our earliest fights was because he didn't like the way I cooked my oatmeal. I didn't like that he sat in front of the TV all day on Sunday. He didn't like that I wasn't as neat as he was. I didn't like that he couldn't pay his own bills.

You get where I'm going with this?

---

My friend D and his girlfriend are celebrating their 7 year anniversary next month. It is the longest relationship he's ever had before. He's lived with numerous girlfriends prior to dating this girl and finally, when he was single, he bought his own home.

His girlfriend had her own home too. She was a single mother of teenage children who have since all left home.

Both D and his girlfriend still have their own homes. They have scheduled Wednesday night date nights and they spend every weekend together.

It works for them. They each have their own homes, their own space and their own lives. He believes this is what is attributing to the length and success of their happy relationship.

---

We always hear (and say) that the best relationships are those where you're able to maintain your own identity. Isn't part of that identity your home?

I often wonder whether or not Gentleman Jack and I could ever live together as my house is filled with estrogen and his is filled with testosterone.

I would hate for him to think he'd have to take down his prized trophies from hunting and fishing.... and I'm sure he'd have something to say about my chakra wall chart.

Maybe that's why our relationship has gone so well so far. We each have our own homes, our own space, our own lives and our own identities. I don't feel a need to stifle or change who he is and he doesn't stifle or attempt to change me either.

We're each free to nurture ourselves and devote time to each other in addition to that. We each feel whole and happy in our lives but then when we're together, we're together. Every time is special.

Hmmm.... maybe when we finally end up in the same town together, we can get a his and hers duplex like the one in the picture?

I can see me explaining that to our friends and family, "Oh yeah. My husband lives next door...."

Hey, its OUR normal.

"The best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."
~ Unknown


I found the above picture on this guy's photostream and I was in love.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Cookies, Cocoa and New Friends?



I have about 7 blog posts that I've thrown together but will not publish until my head is on straight. I'm still recovering from the vacation and feeling a bit behind on LOTS of things.

One of the reasons I'm feeling overwhelmed is laundry.

Seriously.


Tell me, as a single parent, if there's no worse chore than freakin' laundry. Its ENDLESS!

Also, my daughters and I are putting together a social gathering for tomorrow night. We're calling it Cookies and Cocoa.

Here's the deal:

In our last neighborhood, where the ex-husband and I built a home, we knew nearly all of our neighbors. A trip to the mailbox would turn into a hour long gossip session as I knew every single person that drove by. So-and-so's having a baby. Or so-and-so is getting granite countertops.  Or we're having a bunco game Saturday night.

Yep, a regular Wisteria Lane.

It was nice though. We always had babysitters. We always had someone to turn to for help of any kind. We always felt safe.

In our current neighborhood, we know practically no one. However, it seems that many of the children that live on our street or one street away also attend Rose's school. Rose has asked me, on occasion, if she can go to this girl's house or that boy's house.

I don't know those people.

And I'm sure they're perfectly harmless, lovely people but I would like to know these kids *and* their parents. That's where the social gathering idea came in.

Rose, Grace and I made flyers and handed them out to Rose's friends at school. We invited the kids and their parents to come to the house for cookies and hot chocolate. We also told them to bring their favorite cookies.

An hour long gathering - to see, get to know, get a feeling and maybe, just maybe, make some new friends.

So, I must get back to cleaning the house so my neighbors don't think I'm a complete slob. 

I'm drinking chai tea right now and I absolutely adore shortbread with my tea. But the cookies that I'm known for are your basic Nestle Toll house chocolate chip. I have a few special things that I do differently that makes them melt-in-your-mouth delish. You've never had a Nestle Toll house cookie til you've had mine...

I have some secrets, however, that I will keep to myself. *smile*



I may even pull down Mema's old recipes to make some holiday cookies with the girls this weekend. I always enjoyed making those with her as a child. Ahh... memories.

In the meantime, do you have any favorite cookies that you make during the holidays?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Happy moments

What a great vacation!

I am very grateful for the opportunity to go on a relaxing trip with my man. I'm even more grateful for happy little things every day we were there:

Thursday:

The very fact that we made the trip, despite the odds.

Our luggage waiting for us - side by side - even though we have different last names.

Getting an upgrade on our car rental - simply because I mentioned that I'd rented from them before.

Checking into our one room bungalow and realizing we had the entire complex to ourselves - including the pool and beach. And just in time for sunset.

 



Having margaritas, shrimp tacos and fresh homemade guacamole for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants on the beach.


 

No one noticing me in the dark when I drank enough margaritas to take my top off at the restaurant on the beach.

Be free girls, BE FREE!! Heh. Apparently, tequila does make my clothes fall off.

Sex on the beach in the moonlight.

Standing naked in the surf in my man's arms under a full moon glistening on the dark ocean.... the only sounds were the waves, the breezes, my own deep breaths and Gentleman Jack's heartbeat.


Friday:

A gorgeous sunrise over the ocean.


Breakfast with fresh squeezed orange juice at a tiny little bakery in Akumal.

Strolling around Akumal, enjoying the eco-conscious awareness and really cute shops of the town!


GJ buying me some really fun earrings because he said they were so *me*.


Snorkeling in the turquoise inlets of a lagoon and seeing parrot fish that were nearly as large as we were!



Crawling up on a rock in a remote area of the lagoon to breathe in the tranquility and kiss my man.

Being one step ahead of a group of tourists who were entering the lagoon right as we were leaving.

Sitting at another restaurant for a late lunch, on the beach, and having internet access. WAY cool.

Spending the evening at our little hideaway beach and bungalow and eating all the junk food we'd bought at the store. Mmmmmm.... Pringles and Oreos...

Sex in our bungalow.

Sex on our balcony.

Sex on the beach.

Standing naked in the surf in my man's arms under a full moon glistening on the dark ocean.... the only sounds were the waves, the breezes, my own deep breaths and Gentleman Jack's heartbeat.

(Yeah, it was so great the first time, we needed a repeat performance.)

Saturday:

Cooking breakfast tacos in our tiny kitchen and eating them while watching the waves on the ocean from our balcony.


 

Visiting the ruins at Tulum on a cloudy day.






Being one step ahead of a group of tourists who were entering the ruins right as we were leaving.

Another late lunch at another of my favorite beach restaurants.


Once again drinking more than my fill of margaritas.



Snorkeling in the cool cenote behind the restaurant.


"Bangin' acrobatic" hammock sex on our balcony.

Taking a nap.

A homeopathic remedy that helped sober me up. Whew.

Lobster dinner on the beach.

My Gentleman trying to refresh my memory about the acrobatic hammock sex as I started things up again. Hee hee!

Sunday:

More yummy homemade breakfast tacos with spicy salsa and more bacon than two people should be allowed to eat. And yes, that is a beer with breakfast. Its always 5 o'clock in Mexico.




Saying goodbye to our beach and getting to the airport with perfect timing!




"A happy life is just a string of happy moments. But most people don't allow the happy moment, because they're so busy trying to get a happy life."
~ Abraham-Hicks

Monday, December 7, 2009

$1000 win, 7:38 a.m., & 48 lbs. later...


Statue on Yal-Ku lagoon as taken by GJ

It was months ago when GJ mentioned to me that he'd never taken a vacation with someone other than family.

Huh?!

I may not be the wealthiest of people but I insist on going somewhere at least once a year. My favorite vacation spot is the Mayan Riviera.

One night, as I rambled on and on about the beauty of the area, he mentioned something about how he'd pay if I planned a trip for us.

"Don't even joke with me," I said to him on the phone that night, "because I'll have an itinerary in your inbox within the hour."

---

The next Friday evening, as I drove back to Louisiana to visit my Gentleman Jack, he texted me: "I have a HUGE surprise for you."

Grrr... I have a love/hate relationship with messages like that.

At his house, he escorted me to his bedroom and had me lie down on the bed with my eyes closed. (I was fully clothed.) He told me to imagine being on the beach, hearing the sounds of the ocean waves, feeling the breeze through the palm leaves... and I felt something raining down over me.

Money.

That day, he had stopped by a video poker machine at his local hang out and threw $50 in just for fun. He won $1000 and our vacation was paid for!

---

Gentleman Jack's passport was expired and he sent in for a renewal 2 months before our trip. Two weeks before the trip, he received a letter from the passport office saying that they thought he had another passport already. He had to fill out yet another form and send it back in. From that day on, he was calling every day to find out if it had been processed or not.

"In processing"... that's all we heard for 2 weeks... even after GJ paid another $100 to have it expedited.

On Wednesday, the day before our trip, he had still not received his passport. We were still being told that it was "processing" and they had no idea where it was.

I was - OMG, I'm not sure stressed is the correct word - and I was already looking at how much money we would be losing by canceling our vacation at the last minute. Then, out of the blue, a girlfriend sent me a "positive thinking" message and I remembered, "Things will work out."

Someone close to us suggested we contact a senator's office to have them call the passport office on our behalf. The senator's office called my Gentleman, told him they had the passport tracked down and put in a Fedex overnight envelope to my house. It was supposed to arrive by 8 a.m. the next day.

We had to leave my house by 8:15 a.m. to catch the flight.

Gentleman Jack packed his bags and drove to Dallas the night before. I waited to pack until that night and we settled into what would hopefully be a good night's sleep. We were both resigned to the fact that it would either work out or something else - something better - would.

His passport arrived at 7:38 a.m.

---

We drove to the airport filled with absolute giddiness. That is, until we realized that Gentleman Jack's suitcase might possibly be over the 50 lb. weight limit for luggage. We might have to shell out another $75.

We looked at each other and smiled. "Things will work out."

The weight of his suitcase?

48 lbs.

---

The weather forecast for the entire length of our trip to Mexico was scattered rain and thunderstorms.

We had perfect, gorgeous weather with clear evenings and a beautiful full moon that hung over the ocean painting the entire scene in black and white...

---

I could write story after story you're-never-gonna-believe-this luck for Gentleman Jack and I. I love being in a relationship with someone who also believes in the power of intention and faith. Maybe there's something to be said for taking leaps of faith together.

After all, our entire relationship is based on it!

I do believe that things happen for a reason and I try to allow them to unfold as they're supposed to.

But still...wow.

I hope I never get over being surprised when things work out.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Gone to the beach



For the next few days, I will be vegging out on the beach.

With my man.

And without kids.

Yay me!!


Have a great weekend!

Oh, and if you look closely, you might even see me here.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

An independent woman

A few weeks ago, my 8 year old daughter, Rose, received her first phone call from a boy.

I was shocked and amazed at how smitten she appeared. It seems, however, that the affection was short lived.

At first, I thought he just wasn't being very nice to her. She wrote a song a little later about a boy not treating a girl right. She said she wasn't writing about him but relationships in general. Then, last week, he called the house to speak to her. The phone call was only a few minutes long.

"What happened? That was short," I asked her as she put the phone away.

"I didn't have anything to say. I told him that I don't want him to call unless I have something to say."

Um... O. K.

---

Here's the thing about raising two little girls as an independent, single mom....

They will most likely grow into two independent women.

That's not a bad thing, given the fact that they should hopefully find out who they are before deciding to marry. (Dear God, please...)

But let's also examine the relationship that Rose has with her father:

  • He has always traveled extensively with work, even when we were married, which left me as the sole disciplinarian. He didn't feel like being the bad guy after being gone all week. He would allow me to make the laws, with a few exceptions, while he would stand behind me and say, "Yeah! What your Mom said!"
  • He was closer to the silly court jester than he was an authoritative figure. And Rose is very intuitive with people. She knew that his role was to play, pick on her, make her laugh and fix things as only daddies can do.
  • He is still a softie when it comes to discipline. She doesn't even take him seriously when it comes to discipline. He is getting better but the fact is, I am around her on an everyday basis and he isn't. He wears down easily and she knows how to manipulate him to serve her needs.
  • I don't think she respects him at all. I'm not even sure that he shows them any respect. I do believe that children should be respected. A person's a person no matter how small.

Realizing that a girls' relationship with the opposite sex has much to do with her relationship with her father, I must surmise - from what I've seen so far - that Rose's opinion of boys (and subsequently, men) is as follows:

They are completely expendable, able to be used and discarded at will. They are to provide things for me and I can acquire these things by manipulating them to serve my purpose.

I have a completely different feeling about my sweet, lovable Grace. She was only 1 year old when her daddy left. I'm afraid that she may have abandonment issues and cling to the first man she falls for. (Dear God... please no...)

Of course, all of this is based purely on my perceptions, which are based on my own experience and skewed observations. Still, I think its a pretty astute observation... but I'm happy to be wrong.

---

How do I raise independent women to also have a respectful and loving relationship with a good man?

Maybe I have been guilty of modeling some of this behavior. I was told on a daily basis, from childhood, that men were worthless. My father didn't show me any respect and I didn't respect him at all either.

Rose, for the first 4 years of her life, saw her Mommy as someone who had to get things done with or without Daddy. I was very obsessive about the type of childhood she should have and didn't allow her daddy much say in it. I didn't trust his fathering skills. He didn't act like the father I wanted him to be... which would have been a different father than my dad was.

I didn't learn to trust him - to allow him to parent however he wanted - until way after we separated.

My children still see a Mommy as someone who gets things done. I do hope, however, that she sees me treating her father with more respect and love. I hope its not too late.

I'd hate to see her using men as pawns to get her way. People can joke all day long that my beautiful, charming daughter will be a heartbreaker but I also know that her heart can be broken too.

I suppose that all I can do is model a better and more respectful relationship with the love in my life now. I know that they have their own lessons to learn. Hopefully, I'm raising them to bounce back from whatever life throws their way.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

An Open Letter to My Ex-husband

*sigh*

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I didn't realize the love you were offering me. I'm sorry that I took advantage of your trust. I'm sorry that I hurt you again and again and denied that some part of me knew it all along.

I'm also sorry that I may not say these words to you because there's a wall between us now.... a wall that is thicker than the one that was there all during our marriage. I don't want to break down your wall. You've constructed it to protect yourself and so I will let you be. But please know that I'm sorry.

I would like to give you, again, this song. This song was one of our favorites and it meant much to us during those hard times. It expressed beautifully what our words and actions attempted to express. I remember watching you hurt, when I knew your thoughts were elsewhere, when I knew that your heart was leaving us. I remember sending you this song in my heart and in my head.

I will always love you. I will always be grateful for the experience of you in my life. I will always be thankful for our gorgeous girls and the love that they receive from you. I will always be happy that you choose to love me in your own way, even now.

And I will always stand by you.

Love.
T


I'll Stand By You
~The Pretenders

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now.

Don't be ashamed to cry,
let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.

When the night falls on you,
you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
could make me love you less

I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.

So, if you're mad get mad,
don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.

And hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
But I'm alot like you.

When you're standing at the crossroads,
don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along, cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour,
and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.

And when, when the night falls on you baby,
you're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own,

I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you.