Mindy and QT both agreed that, once again, I am too hard on myself. QT even said,
"Oh T, I sometimes think you'd not be happy if you weren't having anxiety about something. You are so hard on yourself (and I repeat) you are SO hard on yourself.
You are a good mom. You are a good woman. We've ALL made mistakes.
What you are my dear, is human."
Yes, I'll admit that I am hard on myself - especially when I make mistakes. I look at those mistakes. I want to stay open to feelings and thoughts and perceptions and reactions.
How else will I learn better?
I also have to say that this blog isn't all that I am. This is where I share my deepest thoughts. This is where I talk myself through things. You all are privy to a part of me that most people in my real life don't see.
So yeah, I use this space to process things. But I also know that anxiety runs rampant in society. I wonder if some of us are more sensitive to our own fear and the encompassing fear in the collective conscious. Who knows? Some deal with fear by using comic relief - oh how I would love to laugh more! Some deal with it with tears. Some deal with it with drugs - hence the reason antidepressants are the most prescribed drug.
Why are we so scared, anxious, worried?
terri's comment made me think:
"When things get really good, my anxiety issues kick in at extra strength level. Sometimes I think I throw in roadblocks just so things won't get so good that I have to feel that panic.
I wonder if it is something that, if we just plow through it and not try to get around it or over it or under it, will just recede over time."
I do believe that pushing through the panic works. The way I deal with panic is to find my own calm, my own peace of mind. It comes from within.
Neale Donald Walsch's daily inspirational email made terri's comment even clearer:
"...the biggest question in life is, How much good can you accept?
Good is flowing to you every day. How much of it you experience depends on how much of it you can accept. And how much of it you can accept depends upon how 'worthy' you believe that you are."
And BINGO. That's when it hit me.
I've been doubting my worth.
As a person. As a mother. As an employee. As a homeowner. As a car owner. As a sister. As a daughter. As a friend. As a girlfriend.
I doubt my self-worth. Am I doing this right? Am I good enough? When will the goodness will run its course?
I've been wanting to control what's going to happen in some vain attempt to stop anything bad from happening.
What I seem to forget is that I am not the One in control here. I have to continue to have faith that all is as it should be. I can only do my best with what I know and be open to forgiving myself and learning from my mistakes. This is where, as Byron Katie says, I have to ask myself, "Do you really believe that thought?"
Do I really believe that I'm unworthy of the good that is in my life?
Both QT and Mindy picked up on it. Several of you did. You saw that I was beating myself up again and not feeling good enough.
As long as I believe that thought, I will not be happy where I am now. Those anxious thoughts arise out of past fears or future worries - not where I am NOW.
So I am allowing myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel. I am taking Dadshouse's comment to heart:
"We all have anxieties, but you can train yourself to react differently. I would suggest letting those feelings come on. Yes, let them arise. Then sit with them, face them, breathe through them, let them pass. THEN fill your lungs with freedom and love and carefree joy, and remind yourself this is how you like to feel, and teach yourself that this feeling is healthy and the normal way you want to be."
Amen to that.
Thank you all for helping me to catch my breath.