Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Catching my breath

There were some very interesting comments on yesterday's post about my anxiety. Many of them made me think. I appreciate all of you for speaking up.

Mindy and QT both agreed that, once again, I am too hard on myself. QT even said,

"Oh T, I sometimes think you'd not be happy if you weren't having anxiety about something. You are so hard on yourself (and I repeat) you are SO hard on yourself.

You are a good mom. You are a good woman. We've ALL made mistakes.

What you are my dear, is human."

Yes, I'll admit that I am hard on myself - especially when I make mistakes. I look at those mistakes. I want to stay open to feelings and thoughts and perceptions and reactions.

How else will I learn better?

I also have to say that this blog isn't all that I am. This is where I share my deepest thoughts. This is where I talk myself through things. You all are privy to a part of me that most people in my real life don't see.

So yeah, I use this space to process things. But I also know that anxiety runs rampant in society. I wonder if some of us are more sensitive to our own fear and the encompassing fear in the collective conscious. Who knows? Some deal with fear by using comic relief - oh how I would love to laugh more! Some deal with it with tears. Some deal with it with drugs - hence the reason antidepressants are the most prescribed drug.

Why are we so scared, anxious, worried?

terri's comment made me think:

"When things get really good, my anxiety issues kick in at extra strength level. Sometimes I think I throw in roadblocks just so things won't get so good that I have to feel that panic.

I wonder if it is something that, if we just plow through it and not try to get around it or over it or under it, will just recede over time."

I do believe that pushing through the panic works. The way I deal with panic is to find my own calm, my own peace of mind. It comes from within.

Neale Donald Walsch's daily inspirational email made terri's comment even clearer:

"...the biggest question in life is, How much good can you accept?

Good is flowing to you every day. How much of it you experience depends on how much of it you can accept. And how much of it you can accept depends upon how 'worthy' you believe that you are."

And BINGO. That's when it hit me.

I've been doubting my worth.

As a person. As a mother. As an employee. As a homeowner. As a car owner. As a sister. As a daughter. As a friend. As a girlfriend.

I doubt my self-worth. Am I doing this right? Am I good enough? When will the goodness will run its course?

I've been wanting to control what's going to happen in some vain attempt to stop anything bad from happening.

What I seem to forget is that I am not the One in control here. I have to continue to have faith that all is as it should be. I can only do my best with what I know and be open to forgiving myself and learning from my mistakes. This is where, as Byron Katie says, I have to ask myself, "Do you really believe that thought?"

Do I really believe that I'm unworthy of the good that is in my life?

Both QT and Mindy picked up on it. Several of you did. You saw that I was beating myself up again and not feeling good enough.

As long as I believe that thought, I will not be happy where I am now. Those anxious thoughts arise out of past fears or future worries - not where I am NOW.

So I am allowing myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel. I am taking Dadshouse's comment to heart:

"We all have anxieties, but you can train yourself to react differently. I would suggest letting those feelings come on. Yes, let them arise. Then sit with them, face them, breathe through them, let them pass. THEN fill your lungs with freedom and love and carefree joy, and remind yourself this is how you like to feel, and teach yourself that this feeling is healthy and the normal way you want to be."

Amen to that.

Thank you all for helping me to catch my breath.

10 comments:

  1. We're all here for each other. Thinking of you always!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can so relate to this!
    I had a major anxiety attack this past weekend all because of a letter my father wrote to me demanding that I make overdue payments for a loan I borrowed from him. I knew exactly what the letter was going to say. All business, no emotional support or even acknowledgment of the divorce his daughter is going through. I was prepared for the letter, I waited nearly a week to open it. But soon after a read the letter BOOM out of nowhere (I thought) this full-blown anxiety attack! I let my father do it to me again. I felt not good enough and unworthy of love.

    It is his voice that became my inner critic. I learned at an early age to be self-critical and you'd think with all the years of therapy and learning from my upbringing that I get past these issues. I'm not sure if we ever get past our deepest hurts, but as one comment stated in your post, you have to let yourself feel the feelings. You can't bury them. What I was feeling under the "not good-enough" was a deep sadness and grieving for the love, support and compassion that I did not experience from my parents. So when these thoughts of "not good-enough" come up, I have to start playing a new tape in my head. One that is supportive and loving to myself. I'm still working on this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm laughing right now because our posts are not only similar in content but also in format. = ) I am incredibly hard on myself as well and it takes outside feedback to break me out of my daze.

    Awesome post. This was incredibly helpful to my process as well. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety right now, and I have let it take me over. That last bit of advice from dadshouse - awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey girl. I swear, you and I are linked on some kind of deep level. I've been experiencing some kind of anxiety lately and I realized last night that I, too, have been doubting my self-worth....doubting that I am worthy of the good things that I have in my life.

    Just when I thought that I'd beaten that particular monster, it rears its ugly head and bites me on the ass.

    Glad to see that you're feeling better. I'm hoping for the same kind of clarity in my own life. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great post T - and in terms of self-worth, I wrote something similar on this topic yesterday, funny how our blogs collide once in awhile...some good points, if you haven't read: http://tbdetermined.wordpress.com/2010/01/18/life-isnt-fair-but-god-is/

    ReplyDelete
  6. The only thing that I don't agree with in this post is this.
    What I seem to forget is that I am not the One in control here.
    I agree that there is faith playing into all of our lives, but you are, or need to be in control of how worthy you think you are. I think that the opposite is the truth. We need to start controlling the things that we can control and letting go of the rest. We need to be able to control how worthy we feel about our selves. This is where I struggle. I know that I am strong enough to figure this worthiness stuff out, but I can't keep control of it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't know how many times I have been feeling something, and then wham, you make a post about it. I love how we are all interconnected and can garner strength from each other. We are all human, we make mistakes, have anxiety. The comments people left for you also helped me. This is why I love blogging so much. I feel lucky to be privy to your deepest thoughts, and to be reminded that my deepest thoughts are in good company.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Amen! And yes, it's hard stuff. I've changed legions in the last ten years, and still have a long way to go.

    I also get that this blog isn't you, 24/7, it's your deepest thoughts. Keep putting it out there! Reading your reflections, insights, fears and awarenesses is great stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  9. WOO HOO WOO HOO WOO HOO! And WOO HOO WOO HOO WOO HOO WOO HOO!!

    You ARE worthy! You are you are you are you are you ARE!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You know what I love most about this post? I think it proves how "putting yourself out there" as well as blogging can be a positive thing (and cheaper than therapy). Sure, we have to take a few hits from trolls along with the good thoughts and advice but when you get that "a-ha" moment it makes it all worth it, doesn't it? It never ceases to amaze me all the good that has come from my blog; friends, job offers, support, community, awareness, laughter, etc, etc. And I LOVE being a part of it. :)

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving me some comment love!