If I knew that I could write these words
and they would still be readable
to those of you who read
I would create a
in this very moment.
I am home after seeing the fabulous movie Nine by myself. The house is quiet. I'm on the couch with my laptop in the dark eating leftovers from the party. Sitting across from me is the awesome new television that my Gentleman bought for me and my girls for a Christmas/birthday gift. I had to crank up the heat in the house a few more degrees. It doesn't feel as warm without GJ here.
I just sent him a text, my sweet love. A simple, "I miss you."
I do miss him.
But shortly after sending the text I realized.... I miss myself.
With my sister in her own life crisis, I am doing my best to stay uninvolved. My heart hurts for her, the struggle ahead of her, the decisions she will have to make for herself and her children. I am torn between wanting to be there, full-on, and wanting to divert my eyes lest I see the collision of pain. I don't know what to expect. I have to give it up to Faith.
Today, I received the news that one of my very best friends has lied to me. Flat out, in my face, lied to me. I was angry, initially. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to scream and yell and throw things. Then I was sad, crying, struggling. Now, I'm simply confused. I'm wondering if I haven't been there enough for her. I'm wondering why she felt the need to hide something from me. Why would she not share with me such a personal struggle?
Then again, is it a struggle? Has she been honest with me about this whole situation? Is she hiding this from me because she knows that I don't believe its what's best for her. She has TOLD me that its not what's best for her and yet, she has chosen it anyway?
Presently, I'm questioning everything she's ever said to me. The trust is gone.
Which leaves me feeling very raw... vulnerable.
My Gentleman and I have also been through quite a bit the past few weeks. The every-two-weeks visits have been difficult on us both with the holidays. The 12 days in between feels like lifetimes to us now. We were also hit with the old "when's the wedding?" question several times during the holidays.
It has become stressful to hear.
We've had some very serious discussions and misunderstandings these past few weeks. The worst being one night when he drank too much. The drinking wouldn't have been a big deal had I not been feeling especially emotional and needy and he simply couldn't bring my mood back from hysterical longing.
We tried to talk through it as we do so well. However we realized that when alcohol's involved, we should put off the serious conversations until the next day. We had to enforce that rule the night of the party as well.
But I will save that for the next blog post.
Beautifully, he handles me. Amazingly, he loves me through everything. Honestly, he communicates with me. Astonishingly, he knows me. I don't know how but its like he crawls into my body and feels everything with me. I can't explain it any other way.
He..... sees me.
He took me to see the movie Avatar in 3D yesterday. I'm certaintly not going to spoil the pretty predictable plot by giving anything away. The movie is absolutely STUNNING. Definitely see it in 3D. The most stunning part of it, for me?
Gentleman Jack had already seen it before. And because he knows me... he. knows. me. so. well.....
He knew exactly what I'd react to.
He knew exactly what I'd love.
He knew exactly that the movie was *us*. Two different worlds, two seemingly opposite people, but some unexplainable connection and ability to communicate...
He sees me.
My heart swells with every thought of him.
He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Presently I am feeling a conglomeration of emotions
loneliness in my solitude, my love is away
concern over impending change
sadness at a betrayal
enthusiastic about the future
intoxicatingly in love with a great man
faithful that everything happens as it should
thankful for this time alone to think and breathe...
Get back to you. Remember YOU.
Get back to you. Remember YOU.
It will all be ok.