Saturday, January 2, 2010

Emotional whirlpool

If I knew that I could write these words
and they would still be readable
to those of you who read
I would create a
whirlpool
for
that is
where my
emotions are
in this very moment.

--------------

I am home after seeing the fabulous movie Nine by myself. The house is quiet. I'm on the couch with my laptop in the dark eating leftovers from the party. Sitting across from me is the awesome new television that my Gentleman bought for me and my girls for a Christmas/birthday gift. I had to crank up the heat in the house a few more degrees. It doesn't feel as warm without GJ here.

I just sent him a text, my sweet love. A simple, "I miss you."

I do miss him.

But shortly after sending the text I realized.... I miss myself.

---

With my sister in her own life crisis, I am doing my best to stay uninvolved. My heart hurts for her, the struggle ahead of her, the decisions she will have to make for herself and her children. I am torn between wanting to be there, full-on, and wanting to divert my eyes lest I see the collision of pain. I don't know what to expect. I have to give it up to Faith.

Today, I received the news that one of my very best friends has lied to me. Flat out, in my face, lied to me. I was angry, initially. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to scream and yell and throw things. Then I was sad, crying, struggling. Now, I'm simply confused. I'm wondering if I haven't been there enough for her. I'm wondering why she felt the need to hide something from me. Why would she not share with me such a personal struggle?

Then again, is it a struggle? Has she been honest with me about this whole situation? Is she hiding this from me because she knows that I don't believe its what's best for her. She has TOLD me that its not what's best for her and yet, she has chosen it anyway?

Presently, I'm questioning everything she's ever said to me. The trust is gone.

Which leaves me feeling very raw... vulnerable.

---

My Gentleman and I have also been through quite a bit the past few weeks. The every-two-weeks visits have been difficult on us both with the holidays. The 12 days in between feels like lifetimes to us now. We were also hit with the old "when's the wedding?" question several times during the holidays.

It has become stressful to hear.

We've had some very serious discussions and misunderstandings these past few weeks. The worst being one night when he drank too much. The drinking wouldn't have been a big deal had I not been feeling especially emotional and needy and he simply couldn't bring my mood back from hysterical longing.

*sigh*

We tried to talk through it as we do so well. However we realized that when alcohol's involved, we should put off the serious conversations until the next day. We had to enforce that rule the night of the party as well.

But I will save that for the next blog post.

Beautifully, he handles me. Amazingly, he loves me through everything. Honestly, he communicates with me. Astonishingly, he knows me. I don't know how but its like he crawls into my body and feels everything with me. I can't explain it any other way.

He..... sees me.

He took me to see the movie Avatar in 3D yesterday. I'm certaintly not going to spoil the pretty predictable plot by giving anything away. The movie is absolutely STUNNING. Definitely see it in 3D. The most stunning part of it,  for me?

Gentleman Jack had already seen it before. And because he knows me... he. knows. me. so. well.....

He knew exactly what I'd react to.

He knew exactly what I'd love.

He knew exactly that the movie was *us*. Two different worlds, two seemingly opposite people, but some unexplainable connection and ability to communicate...

He sees me. 

My heart swells with every thought of him.

He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

---

Presently I am feeling a conglomeration of emotions
loneliness in my solitude, my love is away
concern over impending change
sadness at a betrayal
trepidation
fear
awe
joy
love
gratitude
wonderment
enthusiastic about the future
intoxicatingly in love with a great man
faithful that everything happens as it should
thankful for this time alone to think and breathe...

Breathe.

Get back to you. Remember YOU.

It will all be ok.

16 comments:

  1. No wonder you feel vulnerable! You have a lot going on right now. Snuggle yourself up, cocoon yourself, sleep, think before you speak ... the whirlpool will calm.

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  2. well maye your friend just didnt wanna tell you?! Maybe she wanted to keep it to herself.

    The Rascal thing made me throw up in my mouth a little but I really am happy you are happy! Hope it keeps getting better!

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  3. I had a friend lie to me, my supposed best friend, and when I uncovered who she was really becoming, I realized I'd "outgrown" the friendship...but it was the lying that got me. It's painful when you realize it, so I can definitely relate. You start to question everything.

    As for Rascal - despite some long-distance issues and miscommunication, you have captured what I only hope to one day, I LOVE reading about your relationship. It's awesome.

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  4. Try not to own the situation with your friend who lied too much. SHE made that choice, didn't she?

    As for things with Rascal...well...relationships are a process, aren't they? The thing about a long distance one (which I have to remind myself of a lot sometimes) is that we have to give up the idea of it being like a "typical" relationship. Remember that you know what's best for the two of you.

    *hugs*

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  5. Lovely.

    Sometimes it's hard to share things with those who are close. Afraid of judgment, or simply too difficult to broach a certain topic. Or any number of other reasons.

    And then there is betrayal. And that has its reasons as well. Not always discernible. And terrible to live through.

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  6. Oh, T.

    I don't know you... yet I feel you. I literally felt your emotions as I read through your post.

    You remind me of myself in that way, the way you seem to own other people's pain, and problems.

    It's a quality, it's a gift... the ability to feel so deeply for and with others, especially those we care about. However, it becomes a burden when we lose ourselves in those other emotions, doesn't it? Especially when our own emotions are spinning out of control....

    Breathe. Slowly. Just close your eyes, and breathe. I'm pulling for you.

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  7. couldn't see avatar in 3D - gives me a headache, but I really did enjoy the whole wowness of it regardless.

    Glad you two are still getting along so well - and yes, when alcohol is involved... wait! I have learned that a few times myself.

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  8. Saw the movie. It's like we're dating the same man. And I understand completely...except that we can see each other almost every day.

    He sees me, too. He feels me. He knows me and still loves me.

    Life is almost right and perfect. It's already good.

    So naturally, I'm scared to death.

    Wishing you the best. Thinking of you!

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  9. "Breathe.

    Get back to you. Remember YOU.

    It will all be ok."

    Sage reminders. Your pain and longing and love are woven through this post exquisitely. I am sorry you have been through so much recently and there are so many gray areas in your world, but you write about these areas masterfully.

    I am very happy to be back reading your words.

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  10. I've had friends lie to me - mostly guys seeing my girlfriend behind my back. It happened with two women. And it sucked. I reacted strongly when it happened, but these days looking back, I just figure they "know not what they do". They have to deal with their own lies and deceipt, and it doesn't have to affect me. (Especially since I'm not seeing those girlfriends, and not hanging out with those friends anymore.)

    And on that note... (sorry, your post got me started!) - Happy New Year!!! Hope yours and everyone's is filled with growth and self awareness and compassion and love.

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  11. This is, once again, a reminder that we can't control what anyone else does, only how we react to it.

    And we can't undo what's been done..

    But, we can let our life speak. be true to yourself, T.

    And, happy new year!

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  12. A huge mix of emotions in this. I want to jump for joy with you about Rascal and cry with you for your sister and friend.
    Maybe somewhere there is some insecurity with your friend when it comes to how strong and healthy you are becoming.
    Keep doing what you are doing. You are growing.

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  13. It has only been recently that I can understand the connection that you are describing...it really is magical. And yes, astonishing.

    And exactly what you need. :)

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  14. Reading you reminds me to get back to myself, to remember myself. To not permit myself to get caught up in the lies or the misunderstandings of others. To know that love can happen, and to appreciate all forms in which it appears in my life every day. Thank you for that.

    Be well, T. The best and happiest of new years to you!

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!