I love the new John Mayer song. Especially these few lyrics:
If you want more love, why don't you say so?
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.
I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
I heard the song on the radio tonight and those lyrics had me thinking.
Friends and family in unhealthy relationships come to me and ask, "How did you know when your marriage was over?"
I think we all have breaking points. I think we all come to a place where we realize, "This is it. I am done." I can't tell you yours and you can't tell me mine. Our perceptions are different.
I remember fighting with my husband and then suddenly realizing that his words meant nothing to me anymore. That's when I knew.
I remember a similar moment with Soldier. I had called him out on something and instead of listening to me, instead of apologizing, he began shouting insults and angry words at me. He was freshly home from Iraq, paranoid, insecure, dizzy with stimulation after the dreaded, ugly, deprived, everyday-brown-life in the SandPit. As he yelled, I remember that same feeling. I can't do this. We are no longer serving each other.
One thing I have learned in both of those scenarios is that my decision was made from a place of love.
I've realized that I tend to be emotionally stunted when it comes to fear. When I feel conflict, I become fatalistic. My fight or flight reflex comes on strong and since I'm not a fighter, I want to run... fast and far.
With the up and down whirlpool of emotions that I've felt lately, I've been in a LOT of fear. So much fear, in fact, that my ever-intuitive Gentleman admitted to me recently that he has been worried that I want to call things off. And honestly, I was feeling that way. Not because I don't love him or want to leave him. I was feeling that way because I was so damn scared for no reason at all.
I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere. If I was going to call things off, I'd do it from a realization that our time together was no longer serving either of us, as I'd done before. I'd do it from a place of love, not fear.
As I said that, I realized that I had been pushing him away. I was holding up a wall, blocking out his love and keeping him at arm's length. The ironic thing is all along, I was thinking that HE was pushing me away. I was scared that he wouldn't love me in this whirlpool. I was afraid that he was finding me unworthy of love. That's how I was seeing myself.
This song reminded me that I choose not to make "heartbreak warfare" out of fear. I choose not to put up a weapon and fight or run away. I choose to let his love shine in on that fear. I choose to be more intimate, available and vulnerable. I choose to ask for more love, as long as he's willing to offer it to me. I choose to honor and acknowledge the love he is currently giving me.
Because when I ask him, "How do you put up with me? How are you so patient with me? Why do you love me?"
He replies, "Because you allow me to."
Who knew that it was up to me all along?