Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Heartbreak Warfare



I love the new John Mayer song. Especially these few lyrics:

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.


I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down


I heard the song on the radio tonight and those lyrics had me thinking.

Friends and family in unhealthy relationships come to me and ask, "How did you know when your marriage was over?"

I think we all have breaking points. I think we all come to a place where we realize, "This is it. I am done." I can't tell you yours and you can't tell me mine. Our perceptions are different.

I remember fighting with my husband and then suddenly realizing that his words meant nothing to me anymore. That's when I knew.

I remember a similar moment with Soldier. I had called him out on something and instead of listening to me, instead of apologizing, he began shouting insults and angry words at me. He was freshly home from Iraq, paranoid, insecure, dizzy with stimulation after the dreaded, ugly, deprived, everyday-brown-life in the SandPit. As he yelled, I remember that same feeling. I can't do this. We are no longer serving each other.

One thing I have learned in both of those scenarios is that my decision was made from a place of love.

*

I've realized that I tend to be emotionally stunted when it comes to fear. When I feel conflict, I become fatalistic. My fight or flight reflex comes on strong and since I'm not a fighter, I want to run... fast and far.

With the up and down whirlpool of emotions that I've felt lately, I've been in a LOT of fear. So much fear, in fact, that my ever-intuitive Gentleman admitted to me recently that he has been worried that I want to call things off. And honestly, I was feeling that way. Not because I don't love him or want to leave him. I was feeling that way because I was so damn scared for no reason at all.

I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere. If I was going to call things off, I'd do it from a realization that our time together was no longer serving either of us, as I'd done before. I'd do it from a place of love, not fear.

As I said that, I realized that I had been pushing him away. I was holding up a wall, blocking out his love and keeping him at arm's length. The ironic thing is all along, I was thinking that HE was pushing me away. I was scared that he wouldn't love me in this whirlpool. I was afraid that he was finding me unworthy of love. That's how I was seeing myself.

This song reminded me that I choose not to make "heartbreak warfare" out of fear. I choose not to put up a weapon and fight or run away. I choose to let his love shine in on that fear. I choose to be more intimate, available and vulnerable. I choose to ask for more love, as long as he's willing to offer it to me. I choose to honor and acknowledge the love he is currently giving me.

Because when I ask him, "How do you put up with me? How are you so patient with me? Why do you love me?"

He replies, "Because you allow me to."

Who knew that it was up to me all along?

11 comments:

  1. This song has resonated with me recently as well.

    Can't add much more than that. You said it all so well. As always.

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  2. I have been loving this album, and John Mayer seems to be so wise for such a young (and hot?) man. And talented. Which seems oddly unfair.

    But in any case. I agree with you, T, on all points, as fucking usual. ;-)

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  3. Yeah, T...you are eloqent as usual. And I almost have tears in my eyes because--I admit--I feel what you do in relationships...that fear. My hope has been to find someone who could take me as I am and say to me what Rascal said to you. How I want that!

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  4. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for leading by example, for the hope, for the encouragement.

    So glad to have found you, T.

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  5. Love your post as always T. *hugs*

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  6. A saying that has always hit home with me, is...
    You will know, because the pain starts exceeding the pleasure.
    Why do we do this to ourselves? I wonder if people of all times have doubted themselves as we do in this day? If not, what has changed in our society?

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  7. Great post, T. Yeah, other people may tell you what you should do, but it is only you who can decide what is right for you and I do believe your body tells you when a decision is right. Once I knew I wanted to leave my marriage, there were alot of things that no longer upset me, that I could just let go.

    I wish I could say it came from a position of love but ... I know it was absolutely right for me and therefore should have been right for my spouse but I'm not sure he would agree. Not sure I have the energy to ask him.

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  8. The choices we make are ours to make--and we can't make them until we are armed with the information, the motivation--a multifaceted array of factors must come into alignment before most of us who do not own crystal balls can make those choices.

    I learn so much from your reflections...thank you, T.

    Be well.

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  9. interesting. my relationship is often "over" on a daily basis. but I lat the moment pass and move on and hope for better moments soon. I don't say this to go against what you are saying - rather I am thinking out loud.

    I often want to call it quits but I put my head down and go into the battle of my marriage hoping to come out on top more then not.

    However, I am married and with four children. I have put myself into this marriage and it is one most people would envy. The 'issues' we have I have allowed. Now, I must fight a battle I let happen.

    Hmmm, enough babbling and self therap-izing . Thanks for the thought spot. BFD

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  10. I want to share something.

    I was where you were. Not giving myself enough credit as a partner but moreso as a person. I pushed and pushed til my ex could take no more. If it is one regret I have in my life, it is not allowing my ex into my life and opening myself up to him more.

    I loved and I lost...

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  11. As usual...I can relate. :-)

    I've realized that when I go through my moments of fear, I put up a wall and push at CBG, too, but in my head, I usually first think that it's HIM doing it..and then I have to take a step back and realize that it's ME.

    Good awareness, T, as usual.

    *hugs*

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