Thursday, January 14, 2010

My Sexuality, Part 1

I've said that I will be re-examining my sexuality and what better way to start that than an email from one of my polyamorous friends, TheSilentK.

Krista and I have been reading each others' blogs for over a year now. She was in a relationship with someone much like Soldier and we related on that point. We have a lot in common - including some shared viewpoints on sexuality. I will share part of her email to me and my response:

I think I can understand the shift you are experiencing and your thoughtful consideration of the wild overtly sexual self that you feel you are putting to rest. You said you have been "putting my sexuality out where it doesn't belong for the entire world to see" and I would challenge that one. I know there is a fighting part of your inner self that challenges that sentence too. It is the WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG part of the sentence I am concerned with.
Your relationship with Gentleman Jack may end up having a boundary about sexual sharing and it may mean that you do not put your sexuality out there. That is sensible and two people come to agreements about what feels right in relationships. But I would argue that (in a different relationship perhaps, where the partner is more comfortable) putting your sexuality out there IS WHERE IT BELONGS.
We live in a world that is sexually ignorant, sexually scared and repressed, and sexually confused. I believe that empowered sexual people have a gift and perhaps even a responsibility. People like us who are free with our sexualities have been able to transcend some of the subtle and more overt cultural and societal psycho-spiritual damage that has been done to us sexually and explore what many people don't dare. This is inspiring. This is important. And we are needed, as sexual beings to help others unlock the ecstasy that is hidden in their bodies behind the layers of shame and socialization. Overtly sexual people like you and I are powerful people in that we can be educators. When monogamy and a more traditional relationship structure comes into the picture I am just learning how that changes everything in my own life as well, and learning what do do with that is still part of my own learning.

Thank you Krista. And I would heartily agree with you! I do agree that the world – or at least this country – seems to be sexually ignorant, sexually scared, repressed and confused. I thought I was just being *me*, honestly. I didn't realize, until I began opening up more on this blog, that so many others were actually inspired by my openness about sex.

In my own real life, I've seen it occasionally. Then again, I've also learned to put much of it aside. It tends to get misread for the very reasons that it is needed.

I cannot change that part of who I am. I am hoping to be more responsible with it, however.

You mentioned your daughters and teaching them "appropriate sexual boundaries". I have boys as you know, so haven't thought too much about this. I just want to share this with you though.
I went out with this big beautiful black man. Long dreadlocks, hard body, beautiful. He was educated, intellectual, worldly, wealthy, polyamorous, witty, and a very talented musician. I adored him. Very bright star in this world. He was very sexually free and honest with his women. We had a few romps but stopped playing together because we were both busy with our other relationships, but I asked him about his daughters (like yourself, he had two girls) and how he explains the various women in his life to his daughters. He told me that he teaches his daughters to be smart about their sexuality. They were 13 and 15. He said "I want my daughters to have sex with whomever they want and to know that they should do what feels good with their bodies and disregard moral messages from society. I teach them to listen to their own voice and their own heart. I teach them that they have power with their sexuality and that many men will want them, and they need to consider how they want to embrace that power in their lives because with that power comes vulnerability too if they are not really ready to own it and be strong in it. Anyway, he went on and it was very moving, articulate, and well thought out. I wished he had been my dad growing up!

I LOVE THIS! I do wish to teach my daughters a similar message. I think that there are too many beautiful and highly intelligent women in this world who are not aware of their own sexuality. Or if they are, it is abused and used and damaged in the end.

My point in all of this is that of course you want to teach your girls appropriate sexual boundaries, but what does "appropriate" mean? Is it appropriate that so many husbands and wives are sexually unsatisfied in marriages so they end up cheating because they can't communicate properly about sex and what they like and want? Is it appropriate that we have messages of sex shoved down our throats in the media but are expected to have "appropriate sexual boundaries" in our moment to moment lives? Just saying. My hope is that you teach your daughters to be free and wonderful like you are and show them there is no shame in their wonderful and amazing bodies that are capable of so much pleasure and joy.

I am not sure what "appropriate" means yet. I do want my daughters to enjoy, appreciate and respect their sexuality. I hope to instill that in them.

Thus far, I have learned that "appropriate" doesn't mean flirting with or having intimate sexual discussions with married men. That lack of boundary lead to a painful experience for me. It also lead to the other married men developing lustful crushes on me and, quite frankly, wanting to know more about my business than I wanted to share. Most of that will be discussed further later.

You also mentioned being considered "sacred" by a man, and it seemed to me you equated monogamy with that sacredness.
Is it possible for a man to consider his woman sacred but also share her? Philosophically I completely believe this to be true, although I haven't exactly lived it. I have had tastes of it from my previous relationship, but we both know I did not feel I was revered enough in that relationship. We had a very magical relationship, but I needed to be more sacred. More honoured than I was. I have high expectations for that.
But back to my point. I think a man can completely consider his woman sacred but also be ok with sharing and overt sexuality. For example, a man wanting his woman to experience complete sexual bliss or sexual transcendental eroticism and he knows that she likes double penetration, so he gifts her with a well endowed friend so they can co-please her. That can be very sacred.
I wonder about "The Beautiful Kind" and her relationship with Beast. We only know what we read on blogs, but I get a sense there is a real mystical and sacred side to their relationship, and it is not monogamous. I don't know. I'm grappling with all this stuff too, just as you are.

I have links to many couples who are non-monogamous. They have amazing, sacred relationships. However, thanks to one blog in particular, I have learned that it is the strength of the primary relationship that will determine the success in polyamorous efforts.

Gentleman Jack and I have had many discussions regarding this and other experiences we'd like to share together. The thing is, we are only 8 months in and we live 200 miles apart. Our relationship, though strong, is still fragile. We are still building trust. Who knows if we ever experience these things or choose not to. Neither of us wants to deny the other anything that brings happiness. However, we have to start with US first.

Another thing I found curious was your language around your bisexuality. You said, "I admitted I am bisexual" which just stung me a little. Why did you say "admitted"? It sounds like you've done something bad. I would think you could say something like "I celebrated here on my blog that I am bisexual" or "I shared with all of you that I am bisexual" Why admit? I just wondered if you were untangling some unconscious stigma relating to your beautiful bisexuality.

You are correct. I shouldn't have put it in quite that language.

Part of the reasoning is the sexual repression you spoke of earlier. I know that I have many readers that are monogamous or perhaps not interested in my sexuality. I think I wrote it that way as to not turn anyone away.

Perhaps I do still feel shame in it. I have lost the trust of many people because of it. That, again, will be discussed in more detail later.

As for you and GJ - what a perfect character to enter into your life right now. He's a real teacher for you, and a strong man by the sounds of it. I like Gentleman Jack. Who wouldn't based on what you write about him. I love how he approached your overt Facebook status and his discomfort with your sharing in this way:

"This didn't feel good to me. I'm letting you know. I will figure out how to deal with it."

That is exactly the kind of strength and open communication you need in a man. Your learning path with him is very interesting to me and I feel very honoured to be alongside you reading.

WOW. Thank you so much Krista. I heart you bad.

I am learning all the time. I hope that it is helping someone out there.

Thanks for reading.

 continued in part 2


  1. I love this post! LOVE IT!

    I grew up in a very oppressed household. We never spoke about sex or sexuality or anything really!

    What I learnt and know I learnt myself through life experiences and I believe it is in part the reason I battle with relationships!

    I like the message that the "big black man" taught his daughters. I hope to teach both my children similar.

  2. It helps. I have sooo much learning to do.

    Big hugs!

  3. It's hard for me to digest all Krista wrote, because it's on the page, out of context. I have dated women who couldn't control their own boundaries. And it was not healthy for them to put their sexual selves out there for all to see. They were not empowered in an ignorant society. They had been sexually abused as young girls.

    Now then, I have had many sexual partners since my divorce. I tend to be a serial lover, and monogomous, not polyamorous. So I'm all for sexual liberty, doing what you want with whoever you want to do it with. But there are definite times and places I put my sexuality out there. If I'm dating one woman and sleeping with her, I'm not going to come on sexually to another woman at a party, especially if it's in front of my current partner.

    Krista might see my behavior as ignorant and backwards. I see it as respectful, and showing gratitude for the woman currently in my life.

    Context is everything in discussions like this.

  4. I grew up in a VERY sexually repressed home. My mom is the ultimate prude! The fact that I've even had more than one sexual partner in my life is something that I know she isn't comfortable with. Add to that my history with childhood sexual abuse and an ex husband with a pornography addiction, and well, let's just say that sexuality is a "touchy" (no pun intended) subject for me.

    The good news is that CBG and I are on the same page sexually. I feel safe and free with him to explore my sexuality in a way that I haven't before...and let me just say, we're both enjoying it.

    Thanks for sharing this conversation with us. I think it's important that we have people in our lives who can make us think about what's going on.

  5. First of all, thanks for mentioning my blog! I really means a lot to Veronica and I to know that others have learned from our sharing our experiences.

    To address the point about wives being considered "sacred" yet sharing them, it absolutely can and does work. My wife means the world to me and my life would be empty without her, yet she and I are comfortable sharing each other with other partners. We can do this in part *because* we know that we're sacred to each other- that is to say, there is absolutely no concern that our extra-marital lovers will interfere with our relationship.

    Thanks for sharing your story!

  6. Dadshouse. You said: "If I'm dating one woman and sleeping with her, I'm not going to come on sexually to another woman at a party, especially if it's in front of my current partner." I completely think that makes perfect sense and is absolutely NOT backwards or ignorant. Communication is everything, and by virtue of being a serial monogamous lover, of course this makes sense for your dating life. In polyamorous relationships these kinds of things are negotiated and agreed upon. Being sexually liberated and free does not mean being disrespectful and hurtful or selfish in relationships with your lovers. Also, I want to be clear that I don't think ployamorous people are the only sexually liberated and free people, people can of course, be very exploratory, open-minded and sexually educated in monogamous relationships as well. Just wanted to clarify that.

  7. I love this post in a kind of "uncomfortable" way. In my past, I have been very sexual in a very un-healthy, non-accepting, non-trusting way. The sexuality you talk about here sometimes makes me a bit uncomfortable, but also jealous. I wish that I did learn how to be sexually comfortable and responsible at a much younger age. I think that having that is a very good form of security and a true understanding and comfort with yourself. To actually have a relationship with that kind of trust would be my ideal, but minus the other partners. My insecurities would not allow me to share.


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