Thursday, January 28, 2010

An Open Letter to Soldier

Hi there.

I know that it has been a very long time - nearly a year - since we last spoke. I hate that things ended on such bad terms. I've had the luxury of hindsight, a blog filled with our history and a new relationship to give me a clearer view of us.

First of all, thank you for loving me. I remember how much you supported me as I supported you during deployment. I remember how, when I would beat myself up as a mother, you would point out my strengths. I remember how you would make me laugh so much with your stories and how well you listened to mine. I remember how you pulled yourself out of the depths of depression and fear to bring a smile to my face so that I could hang on one more day. I remember how, when I wanted to end things, you fought me and pleaded for my patience.

I'm sorry. I wish I could have been patient. I guess my patience ran its course during the 15 months you were deployed.

I loved you with everything I had. I gave and gave and did whatever you wanted and wanted to do lots more. I loved giving to you. I felt like a shining ray of hope in your life and it felt good to me. Perhaps I was using you. Perhaps you were using me.

Maybe in the end, we both felt bad about that. I'm not sure.

The point is - I do not regret what we found in each other. I do not regret all that I learned. I do not regret everything I went through with you.

We felt love. The planets had finally aligned for us after 22 years! We had such a depth of connection in those few weeks before you deployed. It kept both of us hanging on for over a year. Whether or not that relationship survived doesn't matter. It served me and it served you. In the end, I know that the love was real. I also know that we just didn't fit. And that's ok.

I've been through lots of emotion regarding the end of our relationship. I've been angry, resentful, terribly sad, frustrated, confused but mostly... mostly I hate that I lost that friendship. You've known me for 25 years! I think of you. I wonder about you. I hope that someone fit you better than I did.

I hope that you found exactly what you needed in your life.

You were what I needed then. I'm happy to be able to look back at that time and smile. For the first time in a very long time, I can think of us and smile.

Ever grateful for you.

T

10 comments:

  1. I think it is awesome that you can look back on this relationship and see how it changed you and how things are better for you now having experienced those things with Soldier.

    You are definitely an inspiring woman T!

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  2. T, this is a good letter to read. I know you went through a lot of hell with Soldier. If this is where you're at now, then it is good. Thank you for writing this. I feel as if some salve has been poured onto a wound.

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  3. It is great that you can learn, grow and appreciate the relationships of your past. You have grown so much since then. I wonder where you would be with out it.
    I am glad that you are where you are and moving forward.

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  4. It's wonderful that you can look back on this relationship in such a healthy manner. I guess I hope I get to that point with my relationship with Sam. There are signs that I may be there...soon.

    As always, thanks for showing me the way. Big hugs.

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  5. Well done, T. Hopefully this can provide a bit of closure on what turned into quite the emotional rollercoaster for you.

    You deserve better and, from what I hear, you have that now.

    xo

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  6. Well written, T.

    As a former marine wife, I understand firsthand the struggles that come with loving a man in the military. Deployments are long and hard, and lonely.

    I had a lot of guilt when I left my ex because he would throw words like PTSD at me, but at the end of the day - and after some much needed counseling- I knew that the right thing to do for myself and my daughter was to leave.

    It is wonderful that you can look back on what was clearly an emotionally tumultuous time for you and pull the good out of it, pull the lessons out, and continue to move forward with a smile on your face.

    Kudos! And hugs :-)

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  7. CaNook is right. You do deserve better. I wonder if Soldier reads your blog T.

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  8. Have you noticed, T, that even those with whom we have had to lose contact, if we ever really loved them, they are always with us? I have lost a couple of dear friends of my own to cruel partings. I miss them, and wonder how they are.

    And yet... some part of them is still a part of me, and always will be. I've been blessed, as your letter suggests you have, to have the pain from the bad things fade a bit, while the good things remain just as strong as ever.

    Here's to good days ahead, but also to cherished memories from our past. May they always be a comfort.

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  9. This is powerful stuff. It's always good to be able to look back on a past relationship and see how much you've grown from it.

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  10. What a great post... I wrote something similar in April a few months after a four-year relationship ended. Hope you never have to write something like this regarding Rascal.

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!