I know that it has been a very long time - nearly a year - since we last spoke. I hate that things ended on such bad terms. I've had the luxury of hindsight, a blog filled with our history and a new relationship to give me a clearer view of us.
First of all, thank you for loving me. I remember how much you supported me as I supported you during deployment. I remember how, when I would beat myself up as a mother, you would point out my strengths. I remember how you would make me laugh so much with your stories and how well you listened to mine. I remember how you pulled yourself out of the depths of depression and fear to bring a smile to my face so that I could hang on one more day. I remember how, when I wanted to end things, you fought me and pleaded for my patience.
I'm sorry. I wish I could have been patient. I guess my patience ran its course during the 15 months you were deployed.
I loved you with everything I had. I gave and gave and did whatever you wanted and wanted to do lots more. I loved giving to you. I felt like a shining ray of hope in your life and it felt good to me. Perhaps I was using you. Perhaps you were using me.
Maybe in the end, we both felt bad about that. I'm not sure.
The point is - I do not regret what we found in each other. I do not regret all that I learned. I do not regret everything I went through with you.
We felt love. The planets had finally aligned for us after 22 years! We had such a depth of connection in those few weeks before you deployed. It kept both of us hanging on for over a year. Whether or not that relationship survived doesn't matter. It served me and it served you. In the end, I know that the love was real. I also know that we just didn't fit. And that's ok.
I've been through lots of emotion regarding the end of our relationship. I've been angry, resentful, terribly sad, frustrated, confused but mostly... mostly I hate that I lost that friendship. You've known me for 25 years! I think of you. I wonder about you. I hope that someone fit you better than I did.
I hope that you found exactly what you needed in your life.
You were what I needed then. I'm happy to be able to look back at that time and smile. For the first time in a very long time, I can think of us and smile.
Ever grateful for you.