Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Ready?

Back in May, right here on this blog, I admitted that I am bisexual.

After my previous relationship, I was very concerned that I would never be able to have a normal relationship again. I was my last boyfriend's personal porn star. He was a deployed soldier, denied a woman's touch for 15 months. He adored that I loved women. He wanted and even encouraged that I do more more more!!

Geez.

Yes, I enjoy women but I was not out there trying to have sex with women just for the sake of it. The women I have been with are friends, not conquests.

I was lost after that last relationship. I didn't know what would be considered normal or not. I'd explored so much sexually, that I wasn't sure I wouldn't freak the hell out of the next guy. I wondered if I could even be satisfied with a healthy, monogamous relationship with one gender. Would I be bored?

On my second phone call with Gentleman Jack, I admitted to my previous sexual experiences. He was intrigued, as I'd expected. Now looking back, I can't even tell if I was going for shock value or testing him. I didn't know how to do what we were trying to do. How do I explain what I was when I didn't even know myself?!

Then he said, "I'd still consider that cheating, you know, if we were a couple and you decided to have sex with a woman behind my back."

Um... huh?

That was the first time I'd ever heard that before. It was unexpected and.... nice. You mean he would actually care if I was intimate with someone else? Such a dramatic difference from my last relationship!

Then he continued, "I can't understand that any man wouldn't agree with me. Why wouldn't a man want you to be his and only his? Why would it be ok to share you with someone? Hasn't a man held you as something treasured and sacred before?"

And that's when I knew. I'd never felt sacred to a man. I wanted that.

My love... he worries when other men find me attractive. He doesn't want me to be taken away. However, his biggest concern is that I will miss being with a woman.

There is a difference. Yes, I will admit that. However, I don't find myself wanting. I don't feel anything but happily satisfied.

Am I still attracted to women?

Yes.

Do I want to go out and get involved with a woman?

No.

I like where I am right now.

---

Gentleman Jack expressed this concern to me before my party. He knew there would be friends at the party that I'd been intimate with. I was worried how he would react to see my overly-affectionate self after a few martinis.

Then, as we kicked off the evening, and throughout the party, he was having so much fun. We both were. My friends loved him and he felt very comfortable. Even as I began to hug on my male friends and flirt with my girlfriends, he was smiling and flirting right along with me.

At some point, two of my girlfriends became emotional. Somehow, (it is a blur), the three of us ended up in the bathroom continuing this emotional discussion. Prior to the bathroom, I was very drunk and had been extremely affectionate with these girls. One of them, I have previously been with sexually. Most everyone knew this.

Gentleman Jack was told, "Hey, T's in the bathroom making out with 2 other girls."

*sigh*

He came in and witnessed the discussion. The 4 of us talked. He saw there was nothing going on but it hurt him. He felt like I was sneaking. His worst fear was nearly realized.

He approached me with his discomfort that evening and asked that we talk about it the next day. We were sticking to our agreement to not have serious discussions if one or the other of us had been drinking. He wasn't angry or harsh. So sweet. So gentle.

The next morning, I felt awful. One of my girlfriends had left the party early. I wondered if she thought I was "making out" with 2 girls in the bathroom. The bathroom discussion worried me too. Those two friends were feeling upset. Then GJ was upset.

One drunken trip to the bathroom and I've pissed off too many people.

I cried so hard to hear his pain that next morning. I never meant to hurt him. I never meant to scare him.

But even as he told me of his fears, he caressed my hair. He pulled me close. He held me in his arms. He talked calmly and with so much love. He promised me that I wasn't scaring him away. He simply stated, "I'm an old fashioned guy. And I don't think you're ready for me yet."

---

Ready.

Ready in the sense of the day-to-day living together or being married?

I like the "old-fashioned" part of him. I need that. I long for that. It feels warm and secure.

Part of me wonders, was I just drunk? Did I go too far? Would I have pushed the boundary with my girlfriend again if he wasn't there? My intention wasn't sneaking. I was oblivious. Isn't that what most people feel when they're drunk?

Still...I would have been devastated to find my Gentleman in the bathroom with a former lover. What if I'd walked in to see him flirting heavily or making out with a girl? I have to look at it this way. When I do, I understand his concern. I can feel what he felt.

Maybe I need to work on accepting and understanding this part of myself. I need to change my perception of being with women to something more serious. If the shoe was on the other foot, it would indeed be serious...

Perhaps neither of us is "ready" for the other. There are things in his life that I am not comfortable with. Thankfully, we communicate so well, so openly and honestly. We both know that neither of us is perfect. With that knowledge comes acceptance and growth.

And we continue to take it one step at a time.

I do know that I want to be ready. I suppose that is the best next step I can take right now.

12 comments:

  1. I think that a big part of being ready for someone in your life is through open and honest communication, which is exactly what you and Rascal have. I don't think that you just magically wake up "ready" one morning, out of the blue. It takes time, patience, love, and hard work. I think you two have all of those.

    EVERY relationship encounters difficulties and misunderstandings from time to time...that's the nature of the beast. It's how you choose to deal with them that makes or breaks your relationship, in my opinion...

    *hugs*

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  2. I'm with Rascal on this one. I've been in a relationship with a woman who considered herself bisexual and who always argued that it was 'different'. I'm very monogamous and couldn't see it that way. Still wouldn't - it's not the gender of the person you're having sex with that counts, it's whether you're having sex with another person, man, woman or dolphin.

    I think the communication you both have over these issues is exemplary, though!

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  3. I think it says a lot about your excellent communication that you and Rascal are able to work through these somewhat heavy issues, at the outset of your relationship, and ongoing. Being long distance, I know that HAS to be key to success. I give you credit!!

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  4. its always been odd to me that the things people seem to want change ya know. I mean 1/2 the women in the world want freedom, the other half want a guy like Rascal.

    I always got in trouble with chicks because it didnt worry me if they had relations with others. I always felt like if they left me for another then so be it. I never feared that, and it never happened. They would be MAD that I don't have a jealous bone or a worried bone in my body. They have said before I wish you cared more.

    Cared more?

    How could I care more than to trust you 100%? How could I possibly give you more than freedom?

    Anyway, I always found odd the perspectives people see things from. Neither good nor bad mind you just perspective.

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  5. Time. Give yourself time. Don't push too hard. You two obviously love each other very much and have built a strong bond. Still, those of us who are struggling with past baggage know that nothing comes together too easily and everything worth having is worth working for. Give yourself time. Sounds like Rascal will...

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  6. I read this, and suddenly felt a ton of pressure for you, T. I don't know that I have any super good advice, but know that I'm supportive. You pressure yourself more than any woman I know. It's a tough way to live, sweet pea.

    (((HUGS)))

    -QT

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  7. You said:

    ... he worries when other men find me attractive.


    I'd worry if other men didn't find you attractive.

    Ultimately it all comes down to trust. Does he trust you to do the right thing?

    If not, he will have to learn to trust or the relationship is doomed.

    You can't live your life with a man who is going to check the bathroom every time you and a friend disappear for a few minutes. Nor should you have to live a life like that.

    Communication is good and important, but trust is even more important.

    TAG

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  8. I am so impressed with how you and Rascal work through tough issues. I really see forever for you guys. I think that the two of you have a lot of trust in each other from what I know and just because there are times when you need to check your selves does not mean it is a bad thing, You can talk about them and work through them, that's the key.
    I think you are doing great. You are growing everyday that I read you and I believe that his believing in you so much is a huge factor in this.
    You need to stop being so hard on yourself.

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  9. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this! You handle everything that comes your way with such courage, and it inspires me.

    It amazes me how you guys continue to work through everything so honestly. It gives me hope.

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  10. Holy cow, I had no idea about any of this, T. LOL! I'm not laughing at you, but me. Oblivious.

    You have such a great guy in Rascal. Keep it. Make it work. Resist temptation because it's not worth losing this wonderful man.

    Hugs woman!

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  11. You're asking good hard questions about yourself - that shows strength and courage. Good job. I know how Rascal feels. I had a girlfriend who had cheated on a guy, and she was very flirty and affectionate with all men. Late in our relationship, she cheated on me. It sucked. But she didn't admit anything to herself, and she didn't take an introspective look at herself like you are doing.

    btw - a Dad's House reader caught his wife having a lesbian affair, and it ended their marriage. So it does happen: http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/01/14/discreet-affair/

    But once again - you are aware of your behavior, and asking yourself probing questions. In short, you make the choices for how you will live your life. Bravo!

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  12. Someone's stupid bladder caused all the problems...Just sayin'.

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