Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Why it's different this time

I know I'm swooning quite a bit over how much I love my man or how good he treats me.

I heart my Gentleman. Bad. But honestly, I've had opportunities to be with men who were just as incredible as him.

Other men who were perfectly sweet and honest and loving and kind and beautiful in their own way and for some reason, I didn't choose them.

The difference this time is me.

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When I met future-ex-husband for the first time, he had me in complete swoonsville too. I had recently left Louisiana where I was in a relationship with a guy who went to school and smoked pot all the time. He didn't have a job because his parents gave him money to live on. He had cheated on me two weeks before I moved to Dallas. A real winner, right?

My ex-husband was, and still is, a very good man. I was crazy attracted to him. I looked up to him for being handsome, intelligent, steady, grounded, funny and worldly. Everyone in his family was college-educated. They cooked gourmet meals for dinner from scratch! This was an entirely new world compared to where I came from.

However, there were things about him and his personality that didn't fit me. We had many, MANY fights. We broke up nearly every 9 months to a year. When we were broken up, there were fabulous people in my life that I could have dated. People just as awesome as my Gentleman Jack. (You know who you are.)

I couldn't see past HIM though. I wanted to be with future-ex-husband and no one else would do. We married 4 years into our relationship.

Before we finally took the plunge into marriage though, I broke up with my future-ex-husband yet again. I made a list of all of the characteristics I wanted in a boyfriend and relationship. When I showed him the list, he said simply, "This isn't me." I agreed with him.

Oh how I would love to have that list NOW!!

We broke up for what I thought would be the last and final time. I moved on, hoping that my list would manifest. And, as lists do, it did manifest in a beautiful, amazing man from my past. An old friend that I knew from Louisiana had moved to Dallas and lived, oddly enough, within a mile of my apartment. He called my mother back home for my phone number and we went out.

We'll call him MM.

MM was EVERYTHING on my list and then some. He treated me like a princess. He came from a wealthy, loving family. He was studying to be an airline pilot. He had a grrrreeeeaat body. He was so hot, so gorgeous, so sexy. He was respectful, gentlemanly and he adored every single thing about me.

I loved being around him. I was proud to be with him. We smiled. A LOT. We laughed. A LOT. I swooned. A LOT. He traveled for training but other than that, we were inseparable. Within the first few months, he wanted to marry me.

There was only one problem:

I could not have sex with him.

Almost like I was blocked or something, I could not be sexual with this wonderful dreamboat of a man at all. At that point in my life, I had only been sexual (other than an initial exploration with the former boyfriend in Louisiana) with my future-ex-husband. I would sleep naked with MM and had no interest whatsoever in having sex with him. He was respectful and patient.

*sigh*  Talk about regrets...

Frankly, it felt as if I was cheating on future-ex-husband. Finally, one weeknight when MM was traveling, future-ex-husband and I went out as friends. We drank too many margaritas and... yeah, we ended up back at my place, naked and going at it like two sex-starved teenagers.

MM knew, when he returned to my apartment that weekend, that something had changed. I felt awful. Future-ex-husband had cried about losing me. He didn't want me to marry MM.

I was at that crossroads of Mr. Perfect MM and Future-Ex-Husband and... I chose a path that I guess I needed to choose.

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I can't explain attraction. Its just... there. I needed to marry him and he needed to marry me. Our marriage wasn't all bad either. In fact, it was mostly very good. My ex-husband and I had many great, swoonable moments in our relationship and marriage too. He could be very romantic and genuine. He always made me laugh. He appreciated me and loved me in his own way. It was a relationship that I needed to have. I am happy that I chose it.

I chose it and it ran its course.

Life has such a way, doesn't it?

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So when I write about re-examining my sexuality, when I find that I must stop advertising my sex like a single girl, I feel that I am again at a crossroads:

Do I continue to be overtly sexual, have a double life of dating men and women, flirt and tease and play and explore, attract trouble and/or men who want to share me or parade me like their favorite sex star?

Or do I feel gratitude that I got what I asked for? I said I wanted monogamous but kinky, confident but humble. I said I wanted a man who would feel comfortable exploring sex "but it'd be nice if he would share that exploration with me only." GJ is exactly what I asked for.... just as MM was.

This time, I'm considering that what I wanted on that first list is no different that what I wanted on my most recent list. I've been fortunate enough to have another go at it.

Is it what I need? Is it the perfect match for me?

I have no idea but it certainly feels fantastic.

This time, I am going to give it a try. I have learned lessons in appreciating what I am being offered instead of looking around to see if there's something different to be had. This time I see myself as worthy of the adoration of an honest, loving man. This time I know that love doesn't have to mean pain or putting up with or fighting or all of the discomfort I felt in trying to adapt to a life with someone who doesn't fit.

Maybe I thought I was supposed to marry the first man I was sexual with? Maybe there was some subconscious motive or forgiveness of my father or something that lead me to marry my ex? I don't know.

I don't regret anything - well, ok, except for wondering what sex would have been like with MM - because apparently, I had much to learn about myself.

I wouldn't be able to appreciate Gentleman Jack had I not been through all that I have before.

It kind of makes you wonder though, doesn't it? That maybe there's someone in your life right now that you are overlooking...

11 comments:

  1. I think we all have 'relationship regrets' of one sort or another. For me, I wouldn't be able to be as blissfully happy as I am right now because NOT going down those paths has allowed me to be where I am.

    Interesting post.

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  2. I'm with CBG - the previous paths that I chose and the decisions that I made have brought me to the person that I am right now, the place that I am in my life right now. I am happy. I am in love. Right now, I don't need to look any further beyond that. :)

    Great post. :)

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  3. I swear lately it's as though you are writing just for me. Makes me think I need to write a list, manifest the man I want, see if I'm what he wants, too.

    Thank you, T, as always. You inspire me. You give me hope. So glad to have found you.

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  4. Great post. And so true... I can totally relate to how you're feeling, because I'm one of those people that is constantly second guessing myself and my choices in men and relationships... I'm also constantly wondering if I'm rationalizing things and convincing myself that things are meant to be or not meant to be based on issues that will quickly evaporate, leaving me alone again. Or if I'm manifesting problems that don't actually exist, which is also a trademark. Downplaying the drawbacks and Playing up the good things has sabatoged me before. I'm hoping that this time, I'm getting it right. Good luck to you as well.

    It's a journey. And hindsight is always 20/20. Here's to hoping we're improving our vision in the foresight department as well.

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  5. I hate hindsight sometimes, she is such a bitch.

    But yes, perhaps using the hindsight to have some foresight is a good thing.

    Hugs T.

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  6. Interestingly, I've been kind of examining the contrary side of that, whether I can live with someone who appreciates and supports me in all ways bar sexually (though at least we're working on it).

    And I have to grit my teeth and admit that it's only one item on a very long list and in the total number of hours that there are in a week, for how many of them does it really matter?

    Dunno.

    But I do think you're right in that you really can't regret what's gone before - you just have to use it to understand where you are now...

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  7. Follow your intuition, listen to your spirit, do what resonates with your whole being. Great that you are being so aware.

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  8. T - your posts have so many LAYERS and I LOVE that about them...and you bring up the list - and that's what I plan to do (make my list, as you noted on my blog too!)...but you always bring up such great, underlying questions that we don't always think about. Really makes me THINK. thank you!

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  9. I think it's amazing how our sexuality and relationships change with time and the seasons of our lives. Be patient with yourself, T, and don't live with regrets.

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  10. I enjoyed reading this post. Is there anyone from my past that I wished I had stuck with for the long-term? Not that I can think of. There are, rather, mostly those I wish that I had not been with. But, as you say, I would not be who I am today without having made the choices I did.

    I hope for--still--to find someone who matches MY list, and not someone I just feel like I gotta take because I'm afraid there won't be anyone else. I still worry that I will do the latter.

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  11. "The difference this time is me"

    You didnt need to say anymore and I would have understood this.

    This is exactly why my relationship with Plane Boy is working and is so amazing. Yes he is awesome but I am open to it now. I am ready to accept it now.

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