Monday, March 22, 2010

My Sexuality, part 3

I wrote in January that I would be reexamining my sexuality. The first post I wrote was in response to a reader's comments regarding a boundary issue between my Gentleman and me.

The boundary issue is precisely why I am taking a deeper look at my motivations and history with sex.

In the second post, I covered how I came into my sexuality from childhood and through my teen years.

I want to continue this with exploration through my late teen years and some of my first sexual experiences.

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After an impromptu Madonna impersonation at a friend's party junior year, I was quickly escalated in popularity at school. Almost overnight, I had an entirely new group of friends. More specifically, these friends were boys.

One by one, I found out that these new friends had developed crushes on me. I was overwhelmed by it all and still painfully shy. However, a part of me began to unfold. I discovered a new power.

I very quickly learned that when a guy finds you attractive, he will do almost anything for you.

I'd like to say that I used this power to my advantage. I'd like to say that I landed the guy that I crushed on. Those things didn't happen. I was still growing into that power and sexuality.

What did happen, however, was that I built relationships with 5 guys, who became my best friends, taught me how to feel comfortable with the opposite sex, took very good care of me and remain friends to this day.

The guys that I couldn't woo with my new found charm and sexuality? Well, they were more than happy to flirt right back and act interested, but I still hadn't harnessed the power by that point. Instead I showered them with unrequited attention and they enjoyed every minute of it.

***

My first kiss was junior year and delivered shortly after the aforementioned party by one of the 5 guys that I befriended. I was surprised by it, as I'd never had another person's tongue in my mouth before. I remember pushing him away, smiling, saying goodbye and then rushing to the back of my house to rinse out my mouth with a water hose.

During the rest of high school, I learned to enjoy kissing. At various events and parties, I would end up with a friend or someone that I crushed on and we would kiss. A lot. I would press against them, allow them to touch me over my clothes and go weak when they responded.

It never went any further than that.

The next day at school, I would be ignored. My confidence would be shattered. Then at the next party, I would give in. I guess, after a while, they all knew they could get a good grope of T.

***

I was set up on a blind date during my senior year of high school. The guy was handsome and said all of the right things. I remember after the dance riding in the back seat with him. His kisses melted me... and I let his hand slip under my dress. He was sensual, a pro at rubbing me the right way. It was the first time someone else had helped me reach an orgasm. Unfortunately, he made a habit of offering the same service to other girls as well.

Thus, not for a lack of trying, I never had a boyfriend while in high school. I remained true to the 5 guys who were my best friends. I loved them. They adored me and did everything for me. But I had no sexual interest in them at all.

So I never had sex.

***

After high school and on to college, I was still very interested in sex. I knew people were having it and I wanted to know what it was about.

I had a male friend in college who was just as virginal and interested in sex as I was. One afternoon, he asked me to a movie. We decided to make it a porn movie.

We walked into the XXX theater and sat amongst the men with their newspapers. We watched the movie in awe and both began squirming in our seats. After the movie, we talked about how we wanted to try sex but were too nervous. We went to a nearby park and talked more. Finally we decided to play strip Rock, Scissors, Paper (Ha!) in the darkness of the evening.

It was the first time either of us had seen the opposite sex naked.

Nothing happened.

***

During my early college years, I was a bartender. The local rugby team frequented the bar and there, among the rough and tumble men, was... Gavin.

Such a beautiful specimen of man. He had a thick head of black curly hair, dark olive skin, piercing green eyes and a powerful muscular body. He was also the son of wealthy parents in Wales and was touring the world because he had nothing else to do. I thought he was gorgeous and the accent(!)... He saw me as nothing more than a pretty young girl.

It wasn't until he left for 6 months and came back that he saw me differently. By that time, I was sexually frustrated and could sense his raw animal sexuality. In this Welsh accent, I can still hear him say,

"Wow. You've really grown up since I last saw you."

After a few drinks, he asked me if I could drive him home...

continued in part 4

***

Looking back over this, I can see my dissatisfaction with the people who thought I was worth more. These 5 male friends all thought of me (and still do!) as amazing, intelligent, beautiful, worthy... and I couldn't see it in myself.

Instead, I wanted the boys I couldn't have. I wanted the ones who saw me as nothing special at all. I wanted the ones who would use me, touch me, treat me like a bad girl.

I am very fortunate that there was something in my mind - some boundary - that stopped me from going any further than I did.

I'm learning more about that boundary now.

11 comments:

  1. Way to leave us hanging, T!

    Wouldn't it be great if we were born knowing our boundaries and how to set them?

    Live, love and learn, right? ;)

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  2. I wish I would have had those boundries. Any boundries for that matter. I am still trying to figure out what my boundries are.

    Can't wait for the rest of the story.

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  3. Wow, what a story, T. Sounds a lot like me. Can't wait to read more.

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  4. Thanks for sharing that with us, T, it's so inspiring to see someone looking inside themselves this way. :-)

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  5. I definitely wish I had those boundaries when I was in high school. Even now, I wish I had better boundaries.. maybe it's time for me to set them.

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  6. Life is a learning experience. Try not to beat yourself up too much. And I can't even comment about the way you left us hanging, since I do it to you too often. ;)

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  7. T, what made you so painfully shy when you were young (I was, too, although you wouldn't know it now!)?

    And why didn't you see yourself as beautiful?

    But, you know, your story is the story of many young women; our developing young bodies attract attention way before we know what to do about it. Or we think we know what to do about it, and then end up one fay full of regrets.

    I wish someone, anyone, would pull young girls aside and tell them how to love their beauty and sexuality and use that "power" with intent, confidence, respect and kindness (to themselves and others).

    Wow, wouldn't that change everything for women (and men)?

    Mothers, Dads, teach that to your kids!

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  8. Uh, make that : "one day full of regrets."

    Damn eyesight!

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  9. As a mother of daughters, and as a woman who STILL struggles with this... I am constantly asking WTF? Why do we insist on wanting the men who don't want us?

    Sigh...the journey is never over, is it?

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  10. it's not just the girls wanting the guys that don't want them - that axe swings both ways. Or can we take the gender out of it and put it in terms of being people pleasers and seeking acceptance?

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  11. t, i so admire the way you write about these intimate memories and explorations....i'm sure it is healing for you to write about them, but it is generous to share them with others, too.

    (and i love the garden hose story :)

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!