Sunday, March 14, 2010

A bloggy conversation about Sex and Responsibility

This will be a dynamic blog post as I will clarify and answer questions as comments are posted. Please feel free to comment anonymously as well.

Imagine that you are single and out enjoying yourself. You're minding your own business, not looking for a relationship or hookup but find that you're readily attracting the attention of a gorgeous person. The chemistry is undeniable. You're talking, laughing, flirting... sexual innuendo abounds...

And then you notice the ring.

You approach the subject and this person doesn't deny that they're married. But the marriage is on the rocks and its only one night and you both really want it. The next thing you know, its 2 in the morning and this person is apologizing that they have to get back to their spouse. You had a blast and lived in the moment of it. You enjoyed yourself and know that you won't see each other again. No phone numbers are exchanged. The married person goes about their way and you go yours.

My question to you is this:

Do you take any responsibility at all in the act of cheating? Or were you simply enjoying yourself as a single person? After all, it was the married person who chose to cheat, not you. Do you have any regrets?

Would you or would you not have a one night stand with a married stranger?

***

The comments have been interesting from a male/female perspective and from a karmic perspective too.

I did have an affair on my husband with a married man. Prior to that happening, I would have said much of these same things. I had no intention of cheating on my husband, much less with someone who was married! I did feel sorry for the man I cheated with... I thought he was happy in his marriage and yet he'd fallen in love with me. It was intriguing and irresistible at the time, though it killed me to be hurting his wife.

Ah yes, Karma is a bitch.

When my husband cheated on me, not only was I angry at him, I was extremely upset at the other woman. I'll have to blog about the day I confronted her...

I've been on both sides and, with that experience, I would say never again.

However, I have been with married women since then. These women told their husbands they were with me too. It was fun, experimental, an experience for them to regain their feminine sexual power. Then, as with the previous cheating experience, it turned on me. Now, those same husbands are nervous about my being alone with their wives. I guess cheating is cheating, same sex or not.

Lesson learned.


***

Do you find that, because you have dealt with cheating in your relationship(s), you have a different perspective than before?

For those that have said you would do the one night stand and not feel guilty about it, have you ever been cheated on?

As a man, do you feel that a woman would only look outside of her marriage for sex if her spouse was not keeping her satisfied at home?

As a woman, do you believe the above statement to be true? Do you believe that a woman would look outside of her marriage if she wasn't satisfied? Sexually or emotionally? What about a man that seeks outside of his marriage?

And what if the relationship was over but the legal process hadn't been completed?

Thanks for all of these great comments!

27 comments:

  1. Kind of like "Up In The Air". I would have to say No. I've actually never had a one night stand with anyone.

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  2. Personally, it's not something that I'd be comfortable with. I don't feel that I'm responsible for someone else's choices and if this person wants to cheat, they're going to find someone else to do it with. But for me, it's a matter of being able to look myself in the face in the morning and I'm not sure that's something that I'd be able to do, knowing that I had a very real hand in betraying another human being.

    This is coming from someone who cheated on her own spouse, with someone who was in a committed relationship. I didn't give a thought to this man's partner, except for when she proved to be an inconvenience to our relationship. After having that experience, for me, I can say without a doubt - never again.

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  3. Y'know, Pippi, I was never the "one nighter" kind of gal either, but I have to say, sometimes it's just what the doctor ordered.

    heh.

    Wait.........what? who said that? lol

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  4. I think I'd feel a bit guilty over the situation. I mean, I know that I'm the single person and all...but I also feel like I need to accept a bit of responsibility for interfering in the committed relationship of somebody else.

    I actually did that at one point...I had a relationship with somebody who was happily married. She used me to help get over the loneliness she was feeling and to help me get by a failed relationship. In the end, I just couldn't do it anymore.

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  5. Not a one night stand type of person. Sometimes I wish I was, but I'm not. Married person nope. The potential for too much trouble is not worth it.

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  6. If they're married, no way are they getting some action between the sheets.

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  7. Absolutely would not, that breaks all the rules and would never go there. Too many ethics and respect for self, others. Do no harm.

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  8. in all honesty I cannot be objective..I have never had a one night stand or a relationship with anyone I was not married too:)..SO, I would probably not do this married or not! BUT lets say I did...... I would not be OK with the married thing! its happened to me...someone decided it was not a big deal..and it was! it really was!

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  9. Either with my wife alongside as part of a 3some or alone (with wife's knowledge), I've slept with a few married-but-cheating women. To cheat was her decision, not mine, and I slept fine, thankyouverymuch.

    I'm interested to see where this conversation goes...

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  10. Once I saw the ring and knew he was married it would be over. Period. And he would instantly be much less attractive as well.

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  11. One of my favorite sayings is integrity is what you do when no one is watching.

    I hate when someone uses the excuse that the relationship is dead already, or even worse, in my book anyway, is when they cry about how their spouse doesn't turn them on anymore. My response is always then stop being an e-ffiing cry baby, put your big girl or big boy panties on and GET OUT. There is no excuse for cheating. It's weak, it's unethical, and it's a shitty thing to do. If you know, and your single, but go along anyway you are just as guilty.

    I live by the rule of do unto others as you'd have done to you.

    Karma...she can be a bitch.


    ~vk~

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  12. I'd not have a problem with guilt at all. or I never did. I slept with more than a few wives before I was a husband, but like VK said it can come back to bite you.

    Whatever you can sleep with is what I'd say. If they had kids I'd feel more guilty for the kids if she got busted than I would about the hubs, if he'd tend his stuff at home she wouldn't be calling me Big Daddy.

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  13. Hm. Once when I was single, a woman said her husband sent her out to get laid because he was sick at home. She picked me and called him from my place to say she met a nice guy. It was great and all and she would have gotten together again, but I didn't want to pursue. Lot different from this side of the fence.

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  14. Hi, T.

    Great question. I think I'm going to have to disagree with a lot of folks here, but I'll start by explaining this:

    I don't drink. There's no one particular reason. I've never developed a taste for it, never been interested in it, never liked any I've tried. I cook with alcohol, I have no qualms about it, and no objections to it. I'm actually quite good at selecting a good wine to go with whatever meal I'm preparing, but for whatever reason... I just don't drink.

    Same situation here. I have no moral qualms about one night stands (although I've only ever had one), and I make no judgments on people who choose to seek solace from their unhappy marriages (and now I sympathize so much more, as I prepare to leave my unhappy marriage). Loneliness is a hard thing. And more to the point, I'm not one to judge other people's moral codes or their fidelity thereto.

    I pass no judgment on the situation you describe. Many of my friends have been on either side of that kind of situation, and that does not bother me in the least.

    But the fact of the matter is, in the past, whenever I've found myself attracted to someone, if I then discovered they were in a relationship, that attraction simply gets put on hold. Just like that. I'm not even tempted. Like me and alcohol... there's no temptation for me to overcome, because there's no temptation at all.

    I suppose it's always possible I *could* end up in a situation like you describe, but in the past, when the situation has presented itself, I've simply lost interest.

    My wife and I are agreed that we are divorcing. We haven't had sex in well over two years. Neither of us wear our wedding rings, and the only thing that is holding up filing paperwork and moving out is our financial situation (and our kids). Even so, we know we are going to be in separate quarters by the end of this summer, at the latest. We are committed to this.

    For those of the commenters above who have stated their moral objections... would I (or my wife) be off limits? Even given the foregone conclusion of our impending divorce? What if the paperwork was filed, but the divorce not yet finalized? What if we were separated, but the paperwork not yet filed?

    I've never so much as kissed another woman since the first time I kissed Penny. (The converse is not true, alas.) I don't intend to pursue another relationship until we are separated. But what if opportunity presents itself before then? Would I be a cad for seeking what my wife has been refusing me all these years, without waiting for the State of Washington to say it's okay?

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  15. One thing I've learned going through all the bullshit I have with my X is that life is very, very short. Grasp onto happiness and human connection while you can.

    I met my BLT and suddently everything I didn't have in my marriage was slapping me in the face. I had an affair of the heart long before an affair of a sexual nature. I don't regret it. Maybe I should, but I don't because my marriage was over long ago and my X and I both knew it.

    BLT was not responsible for my choices. He feels no guilt because he understands I am a grown woman and I made my own way. Even if we don't end up together for the long haul, his love has been a gift that I will always treasure.

    Sometimes people come into your life, and timing isn't always perfect. You might not even know why at the time. I'm not looking back and I'm not going to beat myself up for my choices. Nobody has to live my life but me.

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  16. Having been cheated on, the second I saw the ring, it would be over for me. I wouldn't even let it move beyond conversation, if the conversation even continued.

    I could never do to someone else what was done to me, one night or not. It was devastating, destroyed my entire life, and two and a half years later, there is still a bit of insecurity that hangs out in my yearlong relationship.

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  17. Now that the sexy stiletto is on the other foot....no way! I didn't give a thought to my soon-to-be ex's wife when we started our relationship. Now that I'm the one being cheated on...DAMN! I'll be sorry for the rest of my life for the part I played in causing someone else the kind of pain I'm now recovering from.

    That beautiful Karma...she IS a bitch, with a bite!

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  18. I was cheated on by my husband. I understand the thrill of a fling, but I did not consent to have sex with the other person. In this world of STDs, I have an issue with anyone who blatantly disregards an unknowing partners body. Both parties are equally culpable.

    That is just the physical issues. Morally I am against it also. If someone is having problems in their marriage, they need to turn to their partner, not a one night stand. There are plenty of fish in the sea, a lot with great chemistry. Let the married person go home and secretly fantasize while having sex with their spouse. Single person... we all know you can get some!

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  19. A person who has a fling with a married man/woman is responsible and accountable, too.

    The married person a little more so, as he/she's the one breaking the vows. But still, it takes two to have an affair.

    As for a one-night stand, I've never had one. Not that I wouldn't, but whoever the guy was and I always wanted a repeat, uh, performance or two or three or ... ;-)

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  20. Of course, you have to take responsibility. I had a woman in Santa Barbara take me home from a bar. When we got to her place, she admitted she was married. I left immediately. If she wants to fuck up her marriage, that's her business. But I can choose not to take part. I don't care how much of a bastard her husband is. And if her husband is a bastard, mightn't I fear for my life if had gotten involved?

    There are plenty of singles to sleep with.

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  21. While I have no objections to one night stands, I admit fully that knowing myself? I just don't enjoy it like it should be enjoyed. Sex for me is better when I'm in a relationship with someone. A committed relationship.

    As for sleeping with a married man, I'd have to say nope. I want a FULL man. Fully available. FOR ME. :D

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  22. This is a hard one.
    I have been cheated on and have been the cheater before.
    I have had one night stands and actually preferred them when I was younger.
    Karma has bitten me more than once.
    I am currently living separate from my husband.
    I signed the divorce paperwork and he will not.
    I basically begged him for sex today and was turned down flat.
    I would prefer to be in a relationship to have sex at this point in my life.
    I would not get involved with a married person in any way right now.
    But, with all of this said. It has been since Oct for me and I am about to loose my mind!
    Am I supposed to be celibate because my husband chooses not to sign paperwork.

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  23. I love my wife and kids but am sometimes my sexual needs are neglected (or intentionally ignored).

    I've blogged about my activities with escorts, and my on-line flirting with AFF Girl.

    I can't blame others when I am not innocent.

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  24. I've had many one night stands. With both married and unmarried men. I have not lost a moment of sleep over the fact that they were cheating on their wives. Why? Because the agreement is between them. My ex husband did cheat on me while we were married, but he only confirmed this after I told him I was leaving him. I've also spent a great deal of time talking with married men who are seeking fun elsewhere and whom I did not sleep with. I will say that in almost every single case when a man cheats, he would rather be with his wife than with the whore.

    I was always honest and up front with them. The fact that they were not honest with themselves or their wives was none of my business. But the act we were involved in was very honestly just what it was. It was not me trying to make him love me and not her. It was not him trying to convince me that he loved me. It was just sex.

    I do believe there is such a thing as just sex. But that doesn't mean that I believe that every act of sex is just sex. Neither is every act just sex for me. But in a one night stand, it's just sex. And when it's over, each person goes home to their own problems. They didn't disappear.

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  25. I believe that a happy and satisfied person doesn't go looking elsewhere for emotional or sexual comfort from another person. I just don't think it happens.

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  26. Being cheated on, and even now the feeling of having been with someone without the full divorce - it's just so much drama. And it can cause so much unnecessary pain. I know, in the moments of passion it's easy to disregard someone else - especially if you are angry. The fallout...*sigh*

    I don't have judgement about those who have cheated or been "the other person" - I just know how it changed my life so deeply. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone else.

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  27. Post, nail, head. Like most here I have been on many sides of this one. When single I engaged in ONS with married ladies, no regrets, no promises made or broken on my part, all good. It is up to the person. That said I did not seek these, backed away at any sign of less than full enthusiasm, including boyfriend situations.

    In marriage I/we took the promise seriously, and even though our mental telepathy has broken down over the years I pulled up short on doing the deed despite temptations. I couldn't feel good looking in the mirror at that, so I didn't (regrets, I've had a few..).

    Now that we have agreed to divorce but no paperwork yet underway, I feel the promise is lifted and 3yrs of imposed celibacy is _over_. I can live with this, and know that no other person came between us (just us making mistakes) so let new intimacies blossom.

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