Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Sexuality, part 4

I decided in January to reexamine my sexuality after discovering a boundary issue in my relationship with Gentleman Jack.

In Part 1, I responded to a reader's comments about the boundary issue. In Part 2, I discussed my self-discovery and interest in sex beginning with childhood. In Part 3, I continued with my sexual explorations through my teen years.

I resume this exploration of my sexuality by picking up where I left off: The first time I was invited home by a man.


I was 18 years old and heavily infatuated with a gorgeous, olive-skinned Welsh rugby player named Gavin. I could sense that he felt comfortable with his sexual self. I wanted that. I wanted to BE that too.

The only other person I had met who intrigued, and intimidated, me in that same way was another of my male friends from high school. He exuded sexual confidence as well. He could have been my first sexual encounter, however, our timing was always off. We finally got together 22 years later only to have him deploy to Iraq, come home a different man and break my heart. But that's another story...

Gavin and I had met before but he paid little attention to me. I was a young bartender who cheered on the rugby team from the sidelines. He'd gone off to travel for several months and finally, upon his return, showed interest in me. I'd developed a sexual curiosity that could not be stifled and he sensed it.

That night, he bought me a few drinks and asked if I could drive him back to his apartment.

I jumped at the chance.

As we pulled in front of Gavin's apartment, his roommate, also a rugby teammate, was just leaving. Gavin and his roommate exchanged looks that made me a bit uneasy. I was, however, drawn to him and quickly dismissed it.

We sat inside and watched TV. We talked and he made me laugh. Soon we were kissing and touching. I remember swooning at his charming accent as he asked me to 'take my trousers off'. I was too nervous.

At some point, he decided to take a shower. I remember thinking that it was a sudden decision but I sat and watched as he walked towards the bathroom. He motioned for me to come in as well.

I stood in the bathroom as his perfect body was exposed to me. He stepped into the shower as if I weren't even there. I stood, shuffling my feet, unsure what to do. Then he peaked his head out from behind the shower curtain and beckoned, "Come on in."

I have to giggle when I picture this scene. I saw myself in the mirror. I was shaking my head "no" but my hands were quickly pulling all of my clothes off. I stepped into the shower and joined him.

In the shower, I shielded my body from his view. I loosened up as he held me under the shower head, complimenting me the entire time. He washed my hair and my body, doting and adoring every inch of me. I felt comfortable and a little light headed.

He turned off the shower and wrapped me in a towel. I was melting at his "gentlemanly" ways. In my naive eyes, he was treating me very respectfully.

He lead me to the bedroom where he quickly dropped his towel (nice ASS!) and crawled under the covers. He pulled back the other side of the covers and patted the bed.

Again, I remember thinking "no" as I dropped my towel and joined him there.

He wrapped his arms around my still damp and naked body. He was gentle and caressed my skin. He offered more compliments to help me feel comfortable. I faced him and we kissed more, petting heavily, but my hand could never go below his chest. He didn't go any further either.

I was nervous but trusting. I wanted to do this.

I just didn't know what *this* was.

He could sense my hesitation. I had to admit it. I had to tell him that I'd never done this before. When I finally said the word "virgin", he stopped, thought for a moment and said, "I promise I will not make you do anything you do not want to do."

I had to laugh. My brain had said I didn't want any of this but my body wasn't listening.

He then asked, "Do you touch yourself?"

Of course I admitted to being quite a pro at that!

He then offered that we masturbate together. Side by side, we rubbed ourselves. He used words I'd never heard spoken before. He encouraged me and it turned him on. I was heady but still too nervous to allow myself to reach climax. When he did, he came all over my belly.

"It will make your skin soft...."


I remember lying next to him and beaming. He was asleep with a smile on his face. I had just discovered something new about myself.

I really wanted to know even more about sex.

I couldn't believe that he didn't take advantage of me. I was giddy as I left a note on his counter and let myself out.

The next day and following weeks, he avoided me and acted as if I didn't exist.

The funny thing was, it didn't hurt me. I wasn't happy about it but I wasn't surprised about it either. I was ready to explore more. I had my first encounter with a man and I was thrilled! I'd also gained the attention of the gorgeous guy that I crushed on! (In bed at least.)

I felt powerful and strong. 

Sex looked like fun. An endless amount of fun. Men could be trusted. And some men only wanted sex.

These were all new lessons for me. I took these lessons and learned even more as I entered into my first real relationship.

to be continued.... part 5


  1. "It makes your skin soft..."

    Damn...I've been saying it wrong for a LONG time. I gotta remember that one.


  2. Oh CBG, you are too funny. It also makes a good face mask.

    T, this is a really fascinating series. I am really enjoying it as I have always felt sexually blocked. Your words remind me that maybe I need to think about past experiences (i.e. the one that all started it, when I was 14) and face it rather than lock it up and throw away the key.

  3. Yeah...I am eager to explore that side of my personality more. I think I get too caught up in being seen as a good girl. And I need to channel my inner dirty whore more often in bed, especially since I am keeping HIM. Might just as well keep HIM happy. ;)

  4. your reaction to this experience was remarkable! it's so great to hear that he was respectful of your boundaries, and also that it didn't bother you when he dissed you after they physical intimacy. i can't imagine responding that way at age 18.

  5. Sorry Nicki, the "dirty whore" title has already been taken by me. ;)

    I am also enjoying reading this series, T. And it makes me reflect on my own sexual experiences. Unfortunately much of my sexuality was stifled during my marriage but in the 8 years since I've been divorced I have been like a kid in a candy shop - indulging in and thouroughly enjoying everything I missed out on during that time!


  6. Can't wait to read more. I need to start to explore a more personal side of my sexuality. It has never been about me and it is time!


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