Thursday, March 11, 2010

Overthinking vs Allowing

As I've become more self-aware, I am able to detect what happens in my brain during moments of overthinking vs. moments of allowing.


 When I'm allowing, I'm looking upon a clear blue sky. The sun is shining bright and happy. Even as a cloud passes here or there, I bless them and allow them to float on by. I see brightness and love. I'm smiling and nothing gets me down. Everything is as it should be, no matter what it appears to look like. I am breathing deeply. I'm a good mother and I'm a damn good girlfriend.




When I'm overthinking, I'm attaching emotion to every cloud in the sky. The sun is there, behind the clouds, but I'm not allowing it to shine through. Instead, I am drawing in more and more clouds. There's noise in my head and everything becomes reason to feel bad. Everything starts spinning out of control. I'm not very good at anything when that happens - much less being a good girlfriend.

Thankfully, I've learned that I CAN process things on my own. I've learned that I CAN come out of the storm on my own. Usually, in the post storm haze, the rainbow reminds me that the overthinking actually cleared the clouds. The spinning and processing actually brought up old pains and allowed me to rinse them away. I feel lighter.

I'm learning to allow the overthinking.

Because apparently, I have unprocessed emotion. I buried things, took on too much, tried so hard, carried hurt and pushed it down deep for years. Those things took their toll on me and I eventually sought out a medicinal solution to the pain. Antidepressants didn't help me process - they made me numb. In more ways than one, unfortunately.

I was very happy to get my orgasms back after weaning off of Zoloft. Just sayin.

***

When I allow the storms, I shut myself off. I've been taught that emotion = weakness from men in my life. A typical response that I would expect when I'm emotional is frustration or being tuned out. Gradually, I learned to hide it away in shame. I would beat myself up for feeling so deeply.

Now I am trying to allow whatever emotion I feel. However, because of the before mentioned stigma around emotion, I still pull away and deal with the pain on my own.

My friends want to be there for me but they know that I generally won't share. I'm hardheaded and I've taught them what I need during my storms.

I like to be alone, write (hence the blog), cry, sing, listen to music, ride my bike, watch movies, sleep. Then, lightness. The rain is gone.


***


I know how I wish to be treated during my storms but I'm having a difficult time teaching Gentleman Jack.


Bless his heart, he is a fixer. An intuitive one at that. He can sense when I'm storming and wants to help. I tell him that his suggestions are much appreciated but I'm storming now, please try again later.

He then feels like he's failed me in some way. Or he worries that the storm will never end. What he ends up doing, completely unintentionally, is creating more noise in my storm. Then suddenly, I can't breathe in the spinning and now I'm taking him down with me!

Argh! Its a vicious cycle.

Ironically, I do the same with him when he's storming. He's even voiced to me that when he feels bad and I'm trying to pull him up with positive thoughts, it has a negative effect. He said it makes him feel worse - as if he's doing everything wrong.

We're so alike. We're still learning about each other.

I like it better when he's the breeze in my hair on the sunshiny blue sky day instead of the noise in my storm.

It is not always easy to teach someone how you wish to be treated.

Thank goodness he's still patient enough to learn.

15 comments:

  1. you express so well the aftermath of a hurt even when you are healthy. Somethings become part of our skin, our orga,our core...we can know they are there but we can't destroy them. We have to learn to overcome despite them ! You are doing that!!!!!!

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  2. I'm still trying to figure out how I want to be treated. I know what I don't want... I know that the way I was treated in the past wasn't healthy or enjoyable.

    My BLT is learning with me at the same time. It can be a bumpy, wild ride sometimes.

    I'm just so thankful he's willing to take it with me. It sounds like Rascal is a good man, patient, and kind.

    You are very lucky!

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  3. Wow, T, beautiful.

    I love this: "It is not always easy to teach someone how you wish to be treated."

    I get that big time. Being in a relationship certainly is a dance, isn't it? We each take turns leading... and as Little 'Ol Me says, it can get bumpy sometimes for sure.

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  4. Damn, T. I swear that you and I are long lost soul sisters or something. Such a great post. CBG and I struggle together figuring out how I need to be treated during my own "storms". He wants to help but I sense his frustration when it's NOT helping.

    Relationships really take a lot of work sometimes...to do them right, anyhow. The way that you and Rascal are so self-aware (and aware of one another) should give lots of people hope and inspiration. :-)

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  5. Oh, I wish I had read this before I had my meltdown last night.

    Thank you for the reminder. All we need is patience, love, and continued communication.

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  6. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Life. What a thing to live.

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  7. It's great that you both keep talking about it; it's when one or the other represses things that the cracks start getting bigger.

    One of the biggest lessons I learned when I had a love dynamic like this is to take "ego" out of it. It isn't always about me! Once you can do that, and stop thinking that someone else's struggles has anything to do with what you said or did, it's so freeing!

    Asking, "how can I help you through this?" and then doing what the person says (!!!) is healthy, open and honest. Isn't that what we all want?

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  8. Until I got off antidepressants I didn't realize that low level of numbness that permiated my life. Thanks for the reminder.

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  9. I think the point is that both of you are STILL working on it together! That is just awesome!

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  10. While I love that you and Rascal are working on this together - what I most love about this post is allowing the overthinking! I am the same way, clearly an overthinker, and sometimes I guess I need to allow it too, and not just get frustrated BECAUSE I am overthinking.

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  11. The way the two of you find your way and work through things together is so inspiring. You make a great team.

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  12. I don't think I overthink things. My trouble comes with trying to influence things that perhaps I can't. My struggles right now are with my 16YO - she's mean and vicious but after a few discussions, I think want she really wants is to spend time with me, but she doesn't want to come out and say it. Whoever said relationships are hard, is right.

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  13. When I'm storming I just want to be left alone. So I can think, process, and rationalize. When I'm not given that space, I just turn into a ticking time bomb. I have yet to meet someone who can understand or handle that.

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  14. T, thank you for this post. I am still on an SSRI and hope to find a way off at some point. Right now isn't the time but one day I will take the leap. You are lucky to have Rascal!

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