As I've become more self-aware, I am able to detect what happens in my brain during moments of overthinking vs. moments of allowing.
When I'm overthinking, I'm attaching emotion to every cloud in the sky. The sun is there, behind the clouds, but I'm not allowing it to shine through. Instead, I am drawing in more and more clouds. There's noise in my head and everything becomes reason to feel bad. Everything starts spinning out of control. I'm not very good at anything when that happens - much less being a good girlfriend.
Thankfully, I've learned that I CAN process things on my own. I've learned that I CAN come out of the storm on my own. Usually, in the post storm haze, the rainbow reminds me that the overthinking actually cleared the clouds. The spinning and processing actually brought up old pains and allowed me to rinse them away. I feel lighter.
I'm learning to allow the overthinking.
Because apparently, I have unprocessed emotion. I buried things, took on too much, tried so hard, carried hurt and pushed it down deep for years. Those things took their toll on me and I eventually sought out a medicinal solution to the pain. Antidepressants didn't help me process - they made me numb. In more ways than one, unfortunately.
I was very happy to get my orgasms back after weaning off of Zoloft. Just sayin.
When I allow the storms, I shut myself off. I've been taught that emotion = weakness from men in my life. A typical response that I would expect when I'm emotional is frustration or being tuned out. Gradually, I learned to hide it away in shame. I would beat myself up for feeling so deeply.
Now I am trying to allow whatever emotion I feel. However, because of the before mentioned stigma around emotion, I still pull away and deal with the pain on my own.
My friends want to be there for me but they know that I generally won't share. I'm hardheaded and I've taught them what I need during my storms.
I like to be alone, write (hence the blog), cry, sing, listen to music, ride my bike, watch movies, sleep. Then, lightness. The rain is gone.
I know how I wish to be treated during my storms but I'm having a difficult time teaching Gentleman Jack.
Bless his heart, he is a fixer. An intuitive one at that. He can sense when I'm storming and wants to help. I tell him that his suggestions are much appreciated but I'm storming now, please try again later.
He then feels like he's failed me in some way. Or he worries that the storm will never end. What he ends up doing, completely unintentionally, is creating more noise in my storm. Then suddenly, I can't breathe in the spinning and now I'm taking him down with me!
Argh! Its a vicious cycle.
Ironically, I do the same with him when he's storming. He's even voiced to me that when he feels bad and I'm trying to pull him up with positive thoughts, it has a negative effect. He said it makes him feel worse - as if he's doing everything wrong.
We're so alike. We're still learning about each other.
I like it better when he's the breeze in my hair on the sunshiny blue sky day instead of the noise in my storm.
It is not always easy to teach someone how you wish to be treated.
Thank goodness he's still patient enough to learn.