Monday, March 15, 2010

"Visit your heart and just breathe"

I've been writing these past few weeks about allowing. I've been writing about it but not always doing it. Even David at Dadshouse pointed out in a comment, "I know this blog is a journey of self discovery, but you sure are stuck in your head. So many thoughts! Visit your heart, and just breathe :-)"

I wish I could say that I've been doing that. The reason I've been writing about allowing is because I needed to hear it. We always teach what we need to learn.

I've been doing my best to allow on many different levels but mostly in my relationship with Gentleman Jack. You see, fear has taken hold. Worries about the future. What's going to happen? Is he "the one"? Can we make this work?

In two months, we will have been together an entire year. While, logically, neither of us knows what will happen tomorrow... and quite frankly, I rather enjoy our relationship the way it is now... there is this little planner/control freak in me that wants to know:

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT???

During the 10 months we've been together, I've learned much about who he is and who he wants to be. I'm still learning. Part of me is scared because there are things I've learned that I am not fond of. I wonder, "Can I live with that?"

Then there are many roadblocks: separate lives in separate towns, financial issues, exes who co-parent with us, job opportunities, his "plan"... (just to name a few).

I'm not sure what to do next. Continue and push for more? Break it off? Those thoughts are not logical. I don't believe that I want things to change right now. No, those thoughts are based on pure fear.

I also wonder if I'm "nesting". Just as with a future as a parent, women naturally begin to build a life to prepare for that child. I almost feel as if I should be preparing for a life with Gentleman Jack. But its not happening anytime soon. Neither of us can see how. So then what? Do I continue the plan to live my life as a single parent? What if my "plan" takes me further away from him?

Then I ask myself, Why am I worried so much about making a decision now?

Things seem so much more complex than when I was in my early 20's and in love. No kids. No baggage. No worries. I was all, "Here I am! Mold me into what you will!"

Its not that simple anymore.

Even as we spend time together, we are rarely without children around. Sometimes I resent our situation. Sometimes I wish things were different. Other times, he becomes the object of my discontent. I want to find bad things about him. I want to find a reason to throw in the towel. I want to find a way to control the outcome.

The unfortunate thing about looking for bad things is that you're going to find what you're looking for.

That's when I'm blocking the love. That's when I'm resisting all of the goodness that he has been offering.

Thus, I have not been a very nice girlfriend lately. I've not even been a good friend. I have nothing to give. I have been stuck in my head. I have been thinking too much. I've also got some screwed up hormones right now that aren't helping matters at all. I've been making little things into HUGE things and tried my best to justify why we wouldn't work.

My sweet, patient, calm love has told me that he will fight me "tooth and nail" if I try to call things off. He used to tell me that I made him "want to be a better man". Now, however, he can't seem to do a single thing right. He is reacting more. He is becoming less calm and patient and more defensive. He is telling me that my mind is already made up and there's no convincing me otherwise. He feels that he "can't win for losing" and its all because of me.

My fear. My crazy nesting instinct. My messed up hormones. My wanting to control the whole damn thing for no logical reason whatsoever.

I'm doing my best to turn this thing around. I am getting the hormonal issue taken care of as soon as I can. I am so grateful for his consistent love, even through my struggle and his exhaustion.

I want to allow him to love me. I choose to focus on the good things again, those things that made me fall in love with him to begin with.

How can he win unless I let him? And I SOOO want him to. I'm his biggest fan!

Again I thank you, bloggy readers and friends, for reminding me that I'm too intense for my own good. Thank you for indulging the thoughts that circle in my brain. If I'm worn out and Gentleman Jack is exhausted, I'm amazed that you're still reading!

Thank you for the reminder to simply "visit my heart and just breathe".

I am bound and determined to do so.


"Our natural state of being is joy, and it takes so much energy to think negative thoughts, to speak negative words, and to feel miserable. The easy path is good thoughts, good words, and good deeds.

Take the easy path."

~ Rhonda Byrne, The Secret Scrolls

16 comments:

  1. Wow. I put myself in your shoes, and I would do the same damn thing. wonder about the "what's next?" the "where do we go from here?" the "is there a 'something next'?" so for that, I don't blame you or have any constructive feedback because I think I would do the exact same thing. The only thing I can say is - keep taking it a day at a time, and try and let it flow. That's my biggest challenge, letting things flow and stop thinking. easier said than done, I guess ;)

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  2. You can see in my latest blog entry that I have been having a rough time lately in my relationship, too. There are so many external stressors at the moment, and our needs when we are stressed are absolutely opposite: I need contact and reassurance, he needs to be left totally alone. Neither of us is great at respecting or providing the other with what they need. And it is SO EASY to get on a downward spiral in your interactions, where you become ever more irritated with the other person.

    I hope we are able to find productive ways to address this soon.

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  3. I don't know.. but I think what you are going through is normal. When we have been hurt we tend to analyze to much. I am not sure if you are thinking too much..or if you are over reacting..but don't be too hard on yourself. YOU are trying to overcome and handle it the right way and only YOU knows if this is right!!

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  4. Okay, if you've been in your heart and breating with Rascal in your life for almost a year, and you can't clearly see a future - that would be frustrating!

    Play the game of life... Open the way for whatever the universe wants to let happen. If Rascal's the one, you can't lose him. And if he's not the one, the universe will send the right one.

    http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/08/08/play-the-game-of-life/

    I'm breathing right there with you.

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  5. I remember once that I told my BFF, "deciding NOT to make a decision right now is still a decision. It's not weak, it's not even passive. It's the decision to give yourself more time"

    Maybe that's what you need to do. Step back, breath, and let things flow on their own for a little bit.

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  6. My boyfriend and I both come from our own separate divorces, his from 8 years, and myself, just short of 5. We were the ones dumped on.

    So far it has been a year, we live together and of course, both of us have fears. So I am going to share my thoughts - not as advice, but just from my own experience.

    Embrace your partner with a full heart and be accepting of whatever comes. You cannot wait for the future to happen... I think someone may have said something like that before, but you control it. So, have fun and live. :)

    Good luck! :D

    By the way, I work as a virtual assistant of The Healthy Moms ( http://www.thehealthymoms.net ), the site is fairly new and I thought I would drop by some mom and health related sites to spread the word.

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  7. Oh, T, you KNOW I know exactly what you're writing about. The difficulties, the complications. Looking for something bad in the other person. Finding (and making!) excuses.

    As I read this, the question that's on my mind is, Why are you blocking the love, T? You love this man and he loves you, so what's the problem here? I understand that there are obstacles here. But the thing that I have to remind myself of is that there are obstacles and difficulties in EVERY relationship, it's just that when you're in an LDR, those challenges are very specific. You two have been doing this for 10 months. You KNOW that you can work with those specific challenges.

    Think about this for a moment, T. What would your life look and feel like without Rascal in it?

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  8. I was going to attempt some words of wisdom, but Sunshine speaks for me on this one.

    *hug*

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  9. I'm right there with you. I ned to be able to see a plausible future. I just cannot wait around and have faith, as some suggest. I'm sorry you're having similar issues (is does seem to be going around, doesn't it?).

    For me, I feel like I need to have a plan that end with me getting to be with my boyfriend. Barring that, I may need a new start. I don't want to be my mother, who never remarried and has just retired alone. Sorry, that's probably not what you were hoping to hear!

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  10. Give yourself more credit. You are taking all the right steps and trying to look at your situation from all sides. I think that's normal, especially for a single mom. The hormonal issues dont help as they tend to magnify percieved problems but you are taking care of that too. You will find your happy place again. I'm sure of it.

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  11. At least you can see what you're doing, and you're not turning a blind eye to it. So give yourself some credit for that!

    I'm the same way as you are. I'm intense. I think too much. I try to make things go MY way. I'm trying to let it go, but often find myself stuck in my head because of it. It's a slow learning process that does require a lot of breathing excercises. ;)

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  12. T everything you've said about the patience, understanding, undying love, etc about Rascal is incredible. I could only hope to have something so good someday. Stop with the overthinking and overplanning. He's a GREAT guy!

    At our age, there aren't many left that aren't already taken, married, gay, or without oversized baggage. Run with it.

    Let this relationship just be. You can make it happen. Relax. You're an amazing woman with an amazing man. Enjoy!

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  13. 1st, if I ever get into another relationship, I am sure I will do the same thing, so take this with a grain of salt and maybe remind me about it someday. But one thing that keeps playing in my mind is something someone said to me when I kept saying that I couldn't wait until my daughter did "this" and "that.
    I was told to quit wishing her life away. Time would do that way to quick on it's own and you won't be able to go back when you want to.
    I believe the same about relationships. We seem to want the future now. Would we do that with our children? No. So why do we do this with men? We need to enjoy what we have while we have it. We don’t need to know what the future holds, just hope that doesn’t go so fast that we miss the good in the mean time.
    If you look into history and see all of the lives that have past, you really open your eyes to the short amount of time that we have here and how 100 years from now it’s not going to matter anyway.
    I am sure I am not making any sense but for some reason it is making sense to me right now! 
    You two have a good thing. We as outsiders see it. Open your eyes and believe in your heart!

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  14. I don't have any magic words of wisdom, because I think there has been such great advice given here.

    I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you can sort through this inside yourself. You have an ability to read yourself the way not many people do.

    Good luck!!

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  15. Thank you for just being open, T, and freely talking about what you're working through. I think that you speak to a lot of other people's hearts and minds when you do this. You're blessing people by just being you.

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  16. Let it be, T! How much of this has to do with coming up to a one-year anniversary? Our culture places expectations around such milestones and that makes us feel pressured to make the next move. The milestone is artificial.

    IMO, you should look at what you like about the way your life is now - see the benefits in it. Then look at what you don't like. Is there a way you can change your life to get rid of the parts you hate without losing the good? But there's no perfect answer - its always a compromise.

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!