I wish I could say that I've been doing that. The reason I've been writing about allowing is because I needed to hear it. We always teach what we need to learn.
I've been doing my best to allow on many different levels but mostly in my relationship with Gentleman Jack. You see, fear has taken hold. Worries about the future. What's going to happen? Is he "the one"? Can we make this work?
In two months, we will have been together an entire year. While, logically, neither of us knows what will happen tomorrow... and quite frankly, I rather enjoy our relationship the way it is now... there is this little planner/control freak in me that wants to know:
WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT???
During the 10 months we've been together, I've learned much about who he is and who he wants to be. I'm still learning. Part of me is scared because there are things I've learned that I am not fond of. I wonder, "Can I live with that?"
Then there are many roadblocks: separate lives in separate towns, financial issues, exes who co-parent with us, job opportunities, his "plan"... (just to name a few).
I'm not sure what to do next. Continue and push for more? Break it off? Those thoughts are not logical. I don't believe that I want things to change right now. No, those thoughts are based on pure fear.
I also wonder if I'm "nesting". Just as with a future as a parent, women naturally begin to build a life to prepare for that child. I almost feel as if I should be preparing for a life with Gentleman Jack. But its not happening anytime soon. Neither of us can see how. So then what? Do I continue the plan to live my life as a single parent? What if my "plan" takes me further away from him?
Then I ask myself, Why am I worried so much about making a decision now?
Things seem so much more complex than when I was in my early 20's and in love. No kids. No baggage. No worries. I was all, "Here I am! Mold me into what you will!"
Its not that simple anymore.
Even as we spend time together, we are rarely without children around. Sometimes I resent our situation. Sometimes I wish things were different. Other times, he becomes the object of my discontent. I want to find bad things about him. I want to find a reason to throw in the towel. I want to find a way to control the outcome.
The unfortunate thing about looking for bad things is that you're going to find what you're looking for.
That's when I'm blocking the love. That's when I'm resisting all of the goodness that he has been offering.
Thus, I have not been a very nice girlfriend lately. I've not even been a good friend. I have nothing to give. I have been stuck in my head. I have been thinking too much. I've also got some screwed up hormones right now that aren't helping matters at all. I've been making little things into HUGE things and tried my best to justify why we wouldn't work.
My sweet, patient, calm love has told me that he will fight me "tooth and nail" if I try to call things off. He used to tell me that I made him "want to be a better man". Now, however, he can't seem to do a single thing right. He is reacting more. He is becoming less calm and patient and more defensive. He is telling me that my mind is already made up and there's no convincing me otherwise. He feels that he "can't win for losing" and its all because of me.
My fear. My crazy nesting instinct. My messed up hormones. My wanting to control the whole damn thing for no logical reason whatsoever.
I'm doing my best to turn this thing around. I am getting the hormonal issue taken care of as soon as I can. I am so grateful for his consistent love, even through my struggle and his exhaustion.
I want to allow him to love me. I choose to focus on the good things again, those things that made me fall in love with him to begin with.
How can he win unless I let him? And I SOOO want him to. I'm his biggest fan!
Again I thank you, bloggy readers and friends, for reminding me that I'm too intense for my own good. Thank you for indulging the thoughts that circle in my brain. If I'm worn out and Gentleman Jack is exhausted, I'm amazed that you're still reading!
Thank you for the reminder to simply "visit my heart and just breathe".
I am bound and determined to do so.
"Our natural state of being is joy, and it takes so much energy to think negative thoughts, to speak negative words, and to feel miserable. The easy path is good thoughts, good words, and good deeds.
Take the easy path."
~ Rhonda Byrne, The Secret Scrolls