Or rather... I reacted negatively to something he said.
But see how dramatic I was up there? ^^^
There are many references in my spiritual studies that discuss the feeling of being "attacked". The "attack" feeling is a feeling of separation. Generally speaking, when you feel isolated and separate from love, God, those in your life... when you feel alone, this is a feeling of attack. And usually, when one feels attacked, we attack back.
Lately with the IUD issues I've been dealing with, I've not been myself. Yesterday, I actually broke out in a rash that required a hefty single dose of Children's Benadryl. (See how hard core I am? - oh if you're considering the Paragard IUD, have your doctor test your blood for copper sensitivity first.)
Because I am not myself, I've been feeling less than worthy of love from Gentleman Jack or anybody for that matter. I was, in fact, kicking my own ass. I seem to be pretty damn good at that. Then when I was sick of beating myself up, I decided to throw a jab at Gentleman Jack. He said something that, at any other time, would be rather innocuous. It totally rubbed me the wrong way.
Let's stop this train of thought for a moment for a quote (or two) from the movie Anger Management:
"Dave, there are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive, which is the most common, is the type of individual you see screaming at a grocery store cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive, the least common, is the cashier at the store who remains quiet at his job day after day until he then finally loses it and just shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier."
You see? Gentleman Jack is the explosive type and I am the implosive type. Neither of which is good, really. Thankfully, we're both loving and patient so it takes quite a bit to set one of us off.
I rationalize my anger. I don't want to be angry at others so I "spiritualize" it as I do many things in my life. (As I did up there ^^^.) This doesn't mean that I don't get angry. Oh yes, I do, but very rarely will you see it. I don't want to hurt anyone with my anger.
Even QTMama pointed out the other day that she was proud of me for pouting. It is such a rare thing for me to admit to. Especially without apologizing for it.
Gentleman Jack, on the other hand, is transparent. I love that about him. He can't even help it.
I tend to get very dramatic when an explosion happens. I don't know how to react. I cry. I hide. I feel like its the end of the world.
And he is ... simply expressing himself, openly and honestly. Once he's been heard, he's calm, he's over it, and life goes on.
Then we both apologize and have amazing, healing discussions.
We make quite a pair.
"Temper's the one thing you can't get rid of, by losing it."
So after I reacted by exploding and he exploded back - because attack begets attack begets attack until someone stops the cycle - I felt terrible for showing my anger. Gentleman Jack asked why. To him, it is human to feel an emotion such as anger.
"I think things make you angry all the time," he said, "and you just take it. You take it until you're exhausted because you think everyone expects you to be Buddha. Then you get mad and you direct all of that anger towards yourself. Well, its OK to be angry. Its OK to stand up for yourself. Its OK to say 'this isn't right.' Why beat yourself up for feeling what you feel?"
Fuck, I don't know. Maybe because since childhood, I've felt like its not OK to feel angry or sad. I don't say nice things when I'm angry. I'm not a loving person when I'm angry. And I know better.
But that doesn't stop me from feeling it.
Mostly, what I hate about a disagreement, is that I go all fatalistic. I'm like, "he's going to not love me anymore. I'm not worth loving..." and crap like that. It drove my ex-husband crazy. Apparently, I haven't learned my lesson yet.
"I have abandonment issues." I told Gentleman Jack after he questioned why I thought it was the end of the world.
"How can you say that? You and your ex were married for, what? 13 years or more? And you asked for the divorce. You decided to end the relationship with Soldier. No one has left you yet."
"Well, that's my fear. That someone will take their love away from me," I replied.
"So you take yours away first, huh?"
Dammit. I hate that he knows me so well.
I'm working on it folks. We both are.