Monday, April 26, 2010
Far from perfect, far from decided
at 2:42 PM
Sometimes when I read comments from readers, I find that I want to explain myself further. Sometimes, I want to email each of you and say, "But wait a minute, what I didn't say was..."
And then I have to remember that this is a blog. Each post is a snapshot of time. That snapshot of time is temporary and only gives part of the whole.
Sometimes, I need to remind myself of the same thing.
Besides, I LOVE comments! Please, yes, more, MORE!!! Maybe we could all meet up for drinks and have a real discussion about this?!?
For instance, I was concerned about publishing the post from this weekend about anger issues that each of us, Gentleman Jack and myself, are working on improving and understanding.
Your comments reminded me of all of those things that I know to be true. I was also reminded that I am not alone in my feelings. As I read some of the comments, however, I was past the temporary state in which I wrote the post and found myself wanting to defend what we have!
How silly am I?
My motivation for publishing, I now realize, is that I wanted to show that our relationship is far from perfect. Sure, I can write all day long about the wondrous beauty of our love. I can talk for hours about how I've NEVER felt that anyone loved me like he does. I can tell you how handsome I think he is, how he does little things for me for no reason, how weird coincidences happen to us all the time, how, even when we are upset with each other, he still tells me that he has never met anyone like me, loves me harder than he can express and can't imagine his life without me in it. And how, when I allow myself to feel the depth of his love, I feel like I've bent the universe to my will!
That stuff is all good. SO very good! But we struggle. We're vastly different in so many ways. We're still trying to figure each other out. We're still trying to figure ourselves out in relation to each other. We each still have our sensitivities, fears and triggers.
We *still* don't have a clue what the next brushstroke of our painting will look like.
I'm sort of past the whole, "is he the one?" question. At least most of the time. I know. I don't know. I have no doubt. I'm not sure. Its scary, the ultimate-ness of that question. I do know that this thing is bigger than us. It is, as it has always been, ineffable, unexplainable, something that makes no sense.
I think what I've figured out is... that we're learning. About ourselves. About love.
Maybe that's how I should begin to look at all of my relationships. Instead of worrying about the fit, worrying about what happens next, worrying about the end when we're still at the beginning... maybe I need to just give love, be thankful, observe and grow.
Maybe that's what relationships are all about anyway?