part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4)
At the end of part 4 of this series, I was about to enter my first relationship with a man. I'm going to take a detour to talk about flirting.
In part 2, I realized that I wanted sexual power. In parts 3 and 4, I realized that I had that power, I had just not quite learned how to harness it.
Well, my friends, let me introduce you to the most powerfully flirtatious woman I have ever known: Me.
I've traditionally had more male friends than female friends.
Well, I used to say that it was because women can be bitches. I've witnessed it countless times in my life. What I've since learned is that... *I could not control women the way I could control men.*
And yes, that was extremely difficult to say.
I've learned throughout my years of honing my flirtatious ways that getting a man's interest is not that difficult. And when a man (please no offense is meant by this) stops thinking with his logical brain, he will do anything you ask. That is control.
I don't believe my wanting to "control" was a conscious act of will. This is why I'm writing about my historical relationship with sex. I never realized the control factor until now. I only thought that it felt good to be desired. Women simply didn't desire me like men did.
Truth of the matter is, since I've become a mother, I've learned to appreciate women more. I've learned to appreciate another woman's strength, vulnerability and beauty. I lost interest in trying to control.
Then I became single.
As a single woman in a world of other competitive single women, that need subconsciously reappeared. However, this time around, I felt a different comfort level with women than I did previously. I actually LOVED women.
I loved women to the point that I wanted to kiss them, touch them, make them feel good, be with them in ways I had only been with men previously. I never saw it as wanting to control them or make them desire me. To me, it was full and complete worship of femininity. I felt like the woman I was with should feel like I felt - beautiful, admired, appreciated, understood, like a goddess.
That intention comes out effortlessly when I am around women. The more powerful the woman, the better! I dote, I compliment, I caress, I love. And they respond.
To the regular person (whatever that looks like), it appears that I am flirting. I am comfortable with women. I am comfortable with men. I am comfortable in my own skin. I want to encourage others to be more open and free with their sexuality. I do it without thinking. It has become such a part of how I naturally relate to people that I've been told that people sense my sexual energy when I walk into a room. So when I do actually decide to flirt intentionally??
My flirting, to some people, could be considered foreplay.
I have boundaries in my mind of how far I will go. However these boundaries seem to be further than what is socially acceptable in many cases. Some people get nervous about it. Some people are intrigued by it. But nearly everyone responds to it.
I am not flirting with the intention of getting sex. I think men and women are different that way. I do not flirt so that I can conquer a person or put a notch on some sort of metaphorical bedpost. I flirt because I want people to feel good about themselves around me.
Some people feel REALLY good around me and want more. Others feel very intimidated or angered by it. My sexual energy and comfort level have gotten me into trouble countless times. I still have some relationships in recovery because of where my flirting took me. Some people don't feel safe around me. Some people feel too comfortable.
I have to draw a line somewhere and I'm not sure where or how.
Gentleman Jack said to me recently that he has never seen anyone in his life attract women the way that I do. It excites him and worries him at the same time. He is unsure of my boundaries. He doesn't know where I'll stop. He eggs it on out of pure intrigue and then once the ball is rolling, he pulls back unexpectedly.
He is afraid.
Neither one of us wants to "share" the other.
Recently, I've come to believe that my flirting with women is to control after all. Because if I can get any of these amazing, beautiful women to enjoy me, to want me, to pay attention to me, then they will keep their hands off of him.
Apparently, I'm afraid too.
I'm learning. I have boundaries that I need to reign in. And those boundaries aren't because of Gentleman Jack... they've been needed for a very long time.
Continue to part 6