Gentleman Jack and I had a great talk last week about my future-tripping and processing of my thoughts. I was in major breakdown mode by the time we were finally able to have a good discussion.
Can I just say for the record that wow... the very fact that the man will have these discussions with me is amazing?!
We talked about our future and our responsibilities that we wish to tackle alone and with another. We talked about past relationships and how they have affected us and our desires to marry again. We talked about the unexplainable attraction to each other and our relationship. We discussed how this entire thing makes no sense and how we continue to ride on faith, all the while being patient and looking forward to a future together.
Some of our discussion left me feeling sad. I very nearly pulled the plug on the entire thing because I felt undeniable sadness...
I looked at my clock and it was 9 minutes until midnight. Nine minutes until his birthday. I took a deep breath and decided what to say next.
Then, I can't explain it, but something happened. Something clicked.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
He was worried, speaking softly, preparing himself for the worst..."Baby, please remember what it feels like when we're together. Remember how I touch you, how we hold each other. Remember how we complete each others' thoughts. Remember how we laugh and enjoy each other. Please remember that when we say 'goodbye' that we always have tomorrow..."
I'd forgotten. It'd been 3 weeks since we'd last seen each other. We needed this past weekend. We needed to speak our love language again.
After being able to see a little more clearly and after reading about Jolene's overthinking in her new relationship, it occurred to me where the problem lies:
I grew up Catholic and I remember my grandmother telling me that purgatory was a place you went to after you died, but before you went to heaven or hell. The "hellish" part of purgatory was that you just sat there... awaiting judgment.
I think that's what freaks me (and apparently others) out so much. We have NO IDEA what lies ahead. It could be heaven OR hell. Yikes! And sometimes, we'd rather doom ourselves to hell before someone else does it for us!
I wonder if this is primarily a female thing? Or perhaps a divorced female thing?
Because the question I've been asking myself lately is: When did GJ become the cake instead of the icing?
For 4 years since becoming a single mom, I've been actively building a life of stability, love, laughter and self-reliance. My girls and I have a great fluffy little cake we're baking over here. We're happy. Gentleman Jack in my life was an unexpected icing on my cake but somewhere in the past few months, I let out all of the air from my 'self-reliance' and began focusing more on him.
"We committed to each other without even realizing it," he told me last week.
He's right. We certainly did. It feels wonderful, comfortable, warm and safe.
I will breathe in his love. I will try to remember those moments we share when we're not together. However, I also have to remember ME, my happiness, my stability and allow him to fit in where he can. This entire relationship has developed under the "no pressure" rule and has blossomed into an amazing thing. It is ever developing into a most unexpected pleasure.
"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."
~ Lao Tzu