"I've learned something about you recently," Gentleman Jack told me when I was having medical issues last month, "You REEEEAAALLLLYYYY don't like yourself when you're sick."
I've spent many posts discussing how I need to allow myself to feel less than 100%. Instead I kick my own ass for not being the ME I want to be *all* of the time. The ME that's loving, kind, patient, forgiving, happy and easy-going.
The perfect person.
"Always do your best."
This is yet another one of the Four Agreements that I have difficulty with. My "best" changes depending on my health, how I feel emotionally, what I'm going through physically, mentally, spiritually. Instead, I expect my "best" to be THE VERY BEST all the time and that is simply not possible!
I've also realized that I tend to be just as hard on others as I am with myself!
"When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself." ~ Deepak Chopra
I saw the above quote on Student Mama's blog post and it hit home. I have been extremely harsh on many people in my life lately. Friends and family members are making all sorts of decisions that I feel are wrong. Some of these decisions, I've made myself and KNOW they are wrong. But these people, grrrr, they won't learn from my mistakes! They have to experience it themselves and its pissing me off!
"I've always been Miss Rainbow-Sunshine-Butterflies to my friends," I told Gentleman Jack recently, "Now, I can barely talk to some people because I feel so judgmental and angry at them. What the hell is my problem?!"
"Maybe Miss Rainbow-Sunshine-Butterflies isn't who you are," he surmised. "Maybe you're finally being honest and authentic. Maybe you were being so agreeable and non-judgmental before because you needed approval from people. Maybe now you don't."
"Contrast and differences are necessary teaching aids, for by them you learn what to avoid and what to seek."
~ A Course in Miracles
You know how you try to get your kids to try a certain food? I know I'm not the only one to use the line, "How will you know if you like it if you don't try it?"
I need to remember this about others AND about myself. I had to experience pain to know that I no longer wish for it. Others have to experience things in their lives in order to grow. Sometimes, the things they wish to experience or feel will also cause me pain, if I allow it to. I have to give them space to feel or experience what they choose.
I also have to allow myself the same thing. I am choosing to experience pain over and over again when I try to control what people in my life are choosing.
"Who made you the savior of the world?" - a therapist once said to me. In actuality, the only person I can save is myself. The best way to do that is to allow others their experiences and allow myself to be less than the perfect, never-says-a-harsh-word zen-master that I think I'm *supposed* to be.
Which means that if I'm sick, I'll probably be bitchy. And that's OK.
When others do things that I don't agree with, I'll probably want to say how much I disagree with them. And that's OK.
When I allow these things to bother me, it is MY own doing. It is MY choice to feel their pain. It is also MY choice to choose again. Let it go. Let them be.
God help me to allow a little snark to sneak out of me now and again. I don't always have to please everyone else if it does nothing but harm me.