Alone

During the long bike ride on Saturday, I was feeling very resentful.

I've been feeling this a LOT lately. Many of the friends that were cycling with me are either single with no kids or married with kids. What that means is that they have plenty of opportunity to get out on the road and train.

Me? Not so much.

Much of my training is done on my bike trainer in my bedroom with my daughters sleeping soundly in the next room. Booooorrrriiing.

Which is basically why my training was so sporadic this season. When I have been able to get out to train, I've enjoyed it but felt weak. It was obvious to me that I've not been consistent. I've not been consistent because I'm training in my house. Alone.

Which is why I've not made plans for any big triathlons this year.  I'm tired of training alone.

I was even looking forward to spending those hours on the bike, this past weekend, while riding next to one of my best friends. We hardly see each other. She has only just begun cycling so I thought that surely she'd be as slow as I am. Nope. She has fallen in love with cycling (and I can't blame her) and gets out as often as she can. Thus, because of her consistent training, it was easy for her to leave me in her dust.

And yet again, I was riding alone.

When we talked about it later, she said, "Part of me felt bad that I left you. But another part of me thought you'd prefer it that way."

Funny, she echoed my feelings exactly.

You see, I was resentful that I was left behind. I was also thankful that I could go my own pace and not feel like a burden to her or other friends.

***

In this long distance relationship with Gentleman Jack, I go through times that feel quite excruciating.

I don't want to be alone for the amount of time that I have been. Lately, we've both had busy schedules and have been unable to keep up with our regular every-two-weeks visits. At this point, it has been 3 1/2 weeks since we've had a weekend together. We probably won't see each other again for 2 more weeks. Other than the one night where we met half way, we've not been together physically.

I can't stand it. This is when I want to say, "No, I need more. I need someone to be here!"

But then again, I don't.

I like my independence. I like having time to myself. I like that he has his life and I have mine.

***

I guess I need to find a balance of alone.

I like being me, my alone time, not being a burden on others, being able to do what I want and at my own pace.

I also really like companionship. I like the physical sharing of touch, smiles, hugs, body language and eye contact during engaging conversation.

Maybe lately, I've just been feeling more of the "alone" than the companionship.

And because I can't make up my mind, maybe that's why my life plays out exactly the way it has thus far.