"I'm leaving my husband," she finally admitted, defeated.
****
The above scene has played out 3 times in my life since last week. Is there something in the air? The water? The COSMOS?
All three women have shared this information with me because they feel that I can offer some understanding. And I do. I understand their fears.
It is frightening to think of uprooting your entire life and the lives of your children.
I have given each of them the same sage offerings:
It's gonna suck.
You will go a little crazy.
You will lose some friends.
You will feel resentful of the obligations that come with single motherhood.
Your children will handle the new change just as well as you do.
You will find a new stigma that is associated with you and your children.
You will make mistakes in other relationships.
You will probably have your heart broken again.
You will still find dissatisfaction and loneliness once you are divorced but it won't be near as dissatisfying and lonely as being in a miserable marriage.
What that also means is that when you feel that way, you will have to look in the mirror and figure out why.
You can change your mind.
You can choose happiness.
You will keep the friends who matter and make new friends on the other side.
You will revel in joy for things that you did ALL BY YOURSELF; things that you never thought you could do before.
You will find someone who loves you for who you are NOW.
You will find a new normal.
You will be OK.
Change is difficult. Remember, though, that fighting it makes it even more difficult. Allow. Just as the trees don't try to hold on to the leaves that change in the fall, allow. Remember that fresh new leaves always reappear in the springtime. You will find your spring as well.
I offer these words to them. What would you say?
I think I could not say it better. So, with your permission, I will refer them to this post for the best explanation I've ever seen.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
TAG
You're a good friend. I would add to follow your inner voice - find the way forward that suits you, not how someone else tells you.
ReplyDeleteWell said T but I would also ask them to look inside themselves to see if they did everything they could to make their relationship work out. Did they do something that may have caused some of the problems and did the maybe hurt someone else and they are only running away from one situation only to get into another... Don't stay for the children... children know when there are problems in a relationship between parents... yes it will be hard but kids are amazing at recovery... you'd be surprised how resilient they are. I would rather be alone and happy than with someone and be miserable.
ReplyDeleteWell said, T. I honestly don't think I'd have anything to add to that...
ReplyDelete"Thank you", this is what I needed to hear.
ReplyDeleteUmmm. I'd say that I can't say it more eloquently or accurately than you did, so...go with what T said...
ReplyDeleteWish I'd had you to coach me through my separation and divorce. Just glad you're here now.
really needed to read this, T! You're very wise. xoxo
ReplyDeleteLove your children more than you ever hate your X.....and remember them before you ever speak about the other parent in front of them.
ReplyDeleteSunnie
Excellent additional points!
ReplyDeleteI might also add that there will be sometimes that you'll look at your ex and wonder, "Who the hell are you?"
Remember that you once had a great love with that person. The difference is that you are not who you once were. But your ex may be the same.
Or not.
Allow for a new relationship to form - one based on a singular priority: raising healthy and happy children.
Great advice! Your friends are lucky to have you and when they find all these things out for themselves - that you will be there for them.
ReplyDeleteThank you , there are many that need this .
ReplyDeleteI would add that they need to be completely certain that this is for the best-not because of the momentum moving them toward it. I know what it is like to be the one who was left, and having that person constantly trying to come back-as if it's that easy-has been even more traumatic. Every situation is different, but had my ex simply been open and honest with us both about his feelings of "missing out on something", he would have learned that those feelings were natural for being so married and that I sometimes felt the same. From there, we would have been able to work on it together.
ReplyDeleteWork colleagues used to confide in me that they wanted a divorce. My advice to them was always the same: "stay married". If they didn't budge, I gave many of the same tips you gave here. Very insightful post on how to cope.
ReplyDeleteI think working on repairing the friendship that *could* be there is something I'd offer as advice - ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved.
ReplyDeleteGreat post T!
true sage offerings.. wish someone had told me that all those emotions feelings would take place before I left, instead I awoke one day and knew there was no looking back.. the future of my inner happiness was in my hands and I wasn't changing my mind. ( a friend once told me when a woman leaves.. she suddenly has insight into other women who have felt that way.. and not left. It has proven true so many times whether I am at the grocery store, school event,.. anything.. there is an unsaid feeling) I have never been happier in my life than I am now with a lot less material items.. friends, but enough to make me realize true happiness, amazing strength!
ReplyDeleteSuch great advice! Well said.
ReplyDeleteT,
ReplyDeleteI think your advice is excellent. The only thing I would add is to remember to be true to yourself and to allow yourself to process all of the emotions that this type of change brings.
These 3 women are blessed to have you in their lives.
This is exactly what I needed to read tonight.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, T. (And contributions, fellow readers!)
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." Zen quote.
ReplyDeleteChange is the only thing you can count on. It is always happening...the only way to make the change that you want in life is to take that first step. The road may be hard and treacherous at times, but keep looking ahead for better days and learn to be happy on the journey.
Wonderful post, T.
ReplyDeleteI have definitely gone through all those steps.. and I occasionally take a few steps back and have to repeat some. The biggest step will be on June 24th: When I'll have been separated for exactly 1 year - and by Virginia law, I can officially file for divorce.
wow..you defined it beautifully! I think there is little to add.
ReplyDeleteThere is bad and there is good and in the end it comes down to you and what you do with what you have and who you are.
Bang on dear T!!!!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Several neighbors recently separated and one came to me for advice. I said many of the things you did, but your list is comprehensive. I will be sending a link to this post to each of them.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this great advice!
Isnt it lovely how when you get divorced you find every person considering leaving knocking on your door for advise :)
ReplyDeleteI offer what you do except I say "you will find someone to love the person you BECOME"
Divorce changes you. Because very few people decide to get divorced and then have it finalised the next day its a process and it changes you and you are forced to face many issues so you become a different person. There is someone who will love you for who you become!
And also TIME! I have a few friends now who have rushed into things I do not beleive they are ready for. But I still keep telling them - TAKE TIME ON YOUR OWN! One day they will see the value in it!
T - as a new reader to your blog, I can across this post, and was amazed to find someone else who has the same awareness of these feelings.
ReplyDeleteAlthough being the "token divorced" friend is something I never wanted to be seen as the expert in, I do find that my advice is the same as that earlier post, with a few extra stipulations.
1. Stay married as much as you can
2. If you absolutely can honestly say you have done everything to save the situation, then own that decision and all it brings.. but..
3. Try to chose wisely in the beginning! Listen to your instincts, I wish I had...
Thanks T